Funny things said during love making/intimate moments...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
261

I have been laughing so hard there are tears coming out of my eyes and my stomach hurts too!

Don’t know if I can top the leg story or the pig noises but my husband and I have had a few ‘moments’ ourselves.

Several months after we started dating (this was back in '83), hubby (BF at the time) decided we needed each other badly. We still lived with our parents. So, we tell his parents we’re going out and head down to a dead end road that overlooks the Tacoma Dome. Half a block up is a small apartment complex. So, there we are undressed and really starting to get hot and bothered in the back seat. I happen to look through the front windshield and notice a car approaching ours. Worse, it’s a COP car. BF jumps into the front seat COMPLETELY NEKKID! I am desperately trying to pull my clothes back on. Too late, cop wants to play games and shines spotlight at us. Notices driver does not seem to have a shirt on. (It’s December and it’s 30 degrees outside!). So, lights flash and WOOP, WOOP noise emits from cop car. We are now directly in front of apartment complex. Twenty to thirty people are outside wondering what is going on. Second cop car pulls up and shines spotlight at us. Did I mention husband was completely NAKED? First cop asks for hubby’s license. License is in his wallet, which is sitting on his lap, covering his now very deflated manhood. Hubby looks back at me, shrugs, lifts wallet and pulls out Drivers license. I am asked for my license as well. Cop looks at licenses, looks at us like we’re crazy, and states, “You’re both 19, why didn’t you just get a room?” Well, we were broke and explained to cop. He told us he was feeling generous and wouldn’t write a ticket for indecent exposure and conduct. Whoo! What luck. Cut to next day. Go to Christmas party at my husband’s place of employment. Everyone is giggling as we walk by. Turns out that one of the waitresses was also a dispatcher for the Fife PD and heard our whole misadventure reported. She promptly reported this to all hubby’s co-workers. :o

A few years ago hubby and I went to a friend’s house for New Year’s Eve Party. Party was great fun, much alcohol was imbibed, New Year brought in. Definately too drunk to drive. So, we stay the night. Said friend retires to bed with his wife. Husband and I sleep on dining room floor in sleeping bags that are NYLON on the outside. Hubby is feeling rather frisky. So, we start er…frisking about. Said sleeping bag is sliding all over the floor. Next we hear whispers coming out of friends’ room. “What are they doing? What is that NOISE?” We stop for a mo, and then continue on. Now, we’re hot and heavy and we’ve slid partly under the dining room table. Hubby’s head is now knocking under the table. Said friends have snuck out to see what the hell we’re doing (as if they didn’t know!). Next, we hear giggling and laughing. The jig is up, we’re busted. We all started laughing hilariously. Said friends retire back to bed, hubby still wants more. We slide out from underneath table so he can finish. We do, but friends still hear and clap when we’re done.

Several months ago, hubby and I are having fun in the bedroom. It’s very late at night. The kids should be asleep. Their door is shut and so is ours. Unfortunately, the headboard is being slammed against the wall something fierce! We are REALLY, REALLY into it. All of a sudden, my 10 year old son knocks on the door and asks us to be quiet because that headboard is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY noisy and he and sister can’t sleep. Husband and I crack up, mood is lost. Incident is reported to our good neighbor and friend by husband. Friend brings it up all the time.

262

I’d just like to say that last Good Friday (Mar. 29, 2002), instead of going to church Good Friday services like I should have… I instead stayed home and read this thread. Also, I gave Spoz a link to this thread… he agreed with me that the stories were absolutely KILLER! :smiley:

Don’t know that I’ll be doing the same thing again later tonight, but ya never know. Of course, I have no stories of my own to report here because I’m still a virgin… but DAMN, is this thread ever funny!

F_X

263

Sorry about the bump; I’m posting only to turn off the damn e-mail notification. Lord, I’ll never do THAT again!

264

Both are correct, I’m racking my brain trying to remember who coined the “varts” one.

It was either “Cosmo” or one of the sex books for women (My Secret Garden, Fear of Flying, one of those books).

265

My girlfriend and I were making love a few months back, and slowed down for a moment. I forget the exact conversation, but I remember she used the word “surely,” as in “Surely you can” do whatever.
My eyes probably got really wide, and I said “Sure I can. But don’t call me Shirley.”

Stupid joke, sure. But I’m willing to bet I’m the only guy ever to pull the joke off mid-coitus.

266

My ex-boyfriend and I were making use of some ice cream, to let’s say sweeten things up. This all went very well , but for some reason my ex put the remainder of the ice cream back in the freezer. We wake up the next morning and our male roommate is finishing off the ummm extra flavored ice cream. I don’t know if that counts really as during sex, but I always laugh when i think of it

267

oh, I forgot the funniest one. The same ex thought it was cool to ask “who’s your daddy” even though I had explained to him many times how much I hated that phrase (it just sounds incestuous to me). So, the next time he tried “Oh. Who’s your daddy?” I said with a very straight face," Cmdr. Frank W. Marshall* "

*name changed to protect my dad

268

My SO used to get this high pitched squeal going when she got close to her crowning moment. Sometimes she would maintain this song for a few minutes while she dangled on the edge of ecstasy. It so happens the window in my bedroom was open and the neighbor’s dog was apparently very upset by this sound. The dog was wailing and howling like it had been caught in a steel trap. I heard the neighbor’s wife say “What’s wrong with the dog?” and the husband reply “Oh, the neighbors are going at it again”.

269

I almost had sex since I have been divorced. It would have been beautiful you know. He was so sexy, with his foriegn accent, and made me so comfortable being naked. Well we we messing around on my bed and I realized that he was not circumsized. I had no clue what to do with it. I was so embarrassed, and I told him " Don’t think me stupid, but I have never seen one like this before, and I have no clue what to do" He was so sweet, so caring, and guided me how to touch it. Just like in the movies. Everything was beautiful, until I touched it. I had no idea the skin moved. I thought I had ripped his Penis, so naturally I Jump up and ran screaming from the room, completley naked. Then I babbled at him about How sorry I was that I had broke it. He laughed so hard he rolled off my bed and landed on his not broken penis. If it wasn’t broken then it was certainly now. We broke up not long after. Sigh…

270

This must be the funniest thread of any I have ever read so here’s my contrib.

On holiday in Benidorm, Spain with a bunch of pals some years back we noticed a couple of mature ladies asleep by the pool WITHOUT any sun tan oil on them. I wake them up and later that night I go into the hotel bar and there they are shoulders and backs red raw and looking really painful.
I suggest that they apply some aftersun lotion and one of them says to me “I have some in my room will you rub it in for me?”

Like a shot I’m up there with her and going at it like a demented ferret, sweat pouring off me and just about ready to shoot my load…she looks up and sweetly says “did I tell you I’ve got a chip shop in Bradford”

I never did get to finish the job, I was cracked up rolling around the floor cackling like an idiot and she is asking me what’s wrong.

I told my pals about this and Alan (best mate) says “Well you couldn’t have been doing much for her then could you”

I guess he was right but hey I was only a young sprog at the time and not all that experienced.

271

Well it’s time to add another chaper to the saga of “goosed by the dog”. Me and an ex girlfriend were going at it quite intensly, when suddenly the cold curious nose of doom lovingly invaded my nether regions. I tried to jump up off of my gf, but unfortunetly as i was near my climax and being rather well endowed, my equipment bent down hard, refused to slide out, and I heard an audible pop. I’m still not sure what that noise was, but apparently it was enough on both sides to ruin the night. We spent the rest of the evening tickling the puppy’s fat little stomach.

272

In my drunken haze and throes of passion, I asked him, “are you the sheriff?”
That’s funny, SaxFace!!!

273

My GF was making me happy while I laid back and enjoyed the moment. After she had finished, she laid beside me and we just held each other. I was in kinda of a crazy mood, so I asked here, “I suppose this means I have to do the dishes tonight?”. We both laughed for a long time about that one. In the weeks and months to follow, I would say to her, “Can I do the dishes tonight?”. She would laugh and say, “Sure”. Then I would respond, “I just love doing the dishes”.

274

I can’t hope to top any of these beauties, but I’m going to post my experiances anyway.

When dating my GF (now wife) we were students with no income and often would sneak to a reservoir behind a local college to ‘park’. One night, after a pasionate love making session she said "Hey, did you feel that? I replied “Yes, girl, you rocked my world!” She said no…it felt different. Later, as I was driving her home, I learned a gasoline refinery off the turnpike had exploded.

Another time when we were dating but after we graduated & had jobs, I took her to hotel with a bottle of good champagne. We ripped each others clothes off as soon as we got there. I wanted to be kinky and as I was going down on her, I grabbed the open bottle of champagne and poured it over her and my tongue. Suddenly, she got the most mortified look upon her face and firmly pushed me away while getting up and jumping into the shower. Later she rather angrily explained to me that it burned!*

(*I have told this before. Yes I know other women tell me it doesn’t burn. I guess it doesn’t burn all women. But it burned her and thats enough.

Another time, I tried to pleasure my wife with a banana while going down on her (it sounded good at the time). Everything seemed to be going fine & she was well into it when something unusual happened: the banana broke. And the tip piece slipped up her and out of sight without so much as a burp. My face must have turned white and she quickly realized what happend. She just said “You Asshole!” grabbed her robe & trundled off to the bathroom. For the record, I did not get lucky that night. Actually, I didn’t get lucky any night after that when I made a ‘banana’ joke before hand. But some things just aren’t funny. :smiley:

Once, my wife had a case of Flu…but was still exceedingly horny (something that’s not usually a problem!!!). Anyhow, after making sure she was feeling up for it, I started foreplay with her. During oral forplay, I noticed she was hot and I realised that she must have been running a fever. But she was more than game, so I pulled her close and made love to her missionary style. Now, she was hotter than she had ever been, fever and all, and for a little while I was worried if she was going to cook me alive in there. It was the wildest (yet strangest) ejaculation that I ever had in my life. She evidently had a great time too, claiming that I’d grown extra large inside of her. Afterwards I brought her some tea and some soup. (She’d already had her ‘Ballpark Frank’)

275

Ok, my story isn’t as kinky as some of you dopers out there but funny nonetheless…

We were doing some SERIOUS macking on the couch. We live in Southern California, land of earthquakes. A small one, strong enough to rattle the house pretty well (like a 3.2 magnitude), happened right after a particulary passionate moment.

He says to me: “Wow, I never made the earth move for anyone before!”

Couldn’t resume kissing for the next five minutes, I was laughing too hard!

276

It’s been years, but my wife and I still crack up about this. So, in the moment, I moaned and she said, “What,” thinking I had said something poignant, I’m sure. Well, I didn’t want to waste the moment so I thought quickly and when she said, “What?” I said, “I said, Ooohhh!” Man, did we crack up. It was so funny. It was against a wall, too, so it was really crazy and wild and then this happened. Geez, that kills me.

277

Well, this happened a few months ago. DeagantheWolf and I are at our friend Aslan’s house for an overnight visit. (Note: Deagan and I are in a long distance relationship at the moment, so visits often will include some conjugal time.) After building an outdoor barbecue out of some stuff that we had around the house, we made a little bonfire in it. A couple hours later, and Adam and I are feeling the need to take care of some urges, so we ask our closest of friends if it’s alright. He says that it’s fine, and then of course the “do I have to be quiet?” question comes up. Apparently I didn’t, but Aslan was in for a surprise. (Note: the reason why this is an issue is because of the way the “summerhouse,” i.e. Aslan’s little two story building of bare necessities just down the yard from the actual house, is built. The first floor has a kitchen, a living room, the utility closet area, and a bathroom. There’s a set of steep, ladder-like stairs leading up to a mostly walled-off loft that serves as a bedroom. Anything that goes on in this place can be heard in any other part of it.) Aslan goes upstairs, says, “I’m going to putter around for about an hour or so before I go to bed. You kids have fun,” and then puts on the stereo on top volume. Deagan and I start getting busy downstairs, leaving any bit of caution to the wind. The both of us couldn’t possibly be louder than the stereo upstairs. Nope, I was wrong. About 15 minutes into it, the both of us hear Aslan get up to put a louder set of music on the stereo, and think nothing of it.
The next morning we get dressed and climb up the stairs to hang out with Aslan as he sits about, attempting to get out of the early morning “lizard brain” state. Once we’ve begun to converse with Aslan, he randomly asks the following: “Were you guys doing construction or something down there last night? I could’ve sworn the whole house was shaking.” Completely taken aback by that question, we looked at each other, and then Aslan further prodded with, “I could’ve sworn you guys were up against one of the walls, knocking things down,” to which I replied, “we stayed on the floor the entire time.”
To this day, Aslan refers to that night as “testing the foundations of the house,” and we’ve got some new unspoken rules set up: we should keep a little quieter, and that it’s a better idea if Aslan just sits outside and chats with whomever else is around for 40 minutes until we’re done.

278

Since this thread has been resurrected, here’s one of my funny moments. Thankfully, I did not have to experience the full effect of the funny, but the poor guy did.

Being the first-rate ‘I like fine things.’ guy that he is, he decided to spring for the top floor executive suite at a rather nice hotel, and we were slightly down the hall from the billiards room shared by the two top floor suites. Things were going pretty well, and the dude was good in the sack, so I was quite enthusiastic about the whole experience. Figuring that I’m in a hotel, that it’s a rather big suite, and that it’s unlikely anyone would hear me on the opposite side of the building, I’m being extremely loud. I have no real control over the noises I make, and they’re not exaclty coherent, but they are really really loud. So we finish doing our thing, talk for a few minutes, and he decides that he’s really thirsty. There’s nothing at all to drink but water in the suite, so he figures he’ll walk on over to the convenience store across the street and get some soda.

Out the door he goes, and I sit around all lazy on the couch watching some TV till he returns and is rehydrated for the next round. He comes back about 10 minutes later and informs me that a visiting college basketball team is apparently also staying in the hotel, and that a few of them were in the billiard room as he left. Apparently one of the guys opened the billiard room door and said ‘Hey, did you hear that noise a little bit ago? Some chick was really gettin it good.’ Dude apparently mustered all of his ability to keep a straight face and replies ‘What noise? Didn’t hear a thing.’ When he told me, I was cracking up so much that we had to wait a little while to go again. I have no idea if they heard the next round, but they probably did.

Another time, while I was in college, it was around 2 in the morning when I heard noises coming from my suitemate’s room. I figured that her and her guy of the moment were busy, and things seemed to be going pretty well. Then all of a sudden I hear the guy say to her ‘If you don’t relax it, I can’t get it in!’ I have no idea if they heard me laughing, but if they did it certainly didn’t stop them. Of course the other suitemates heard the same comment, and we later found out that it was due to some experimentation with anal.

279

I had the great fortune to lose my virginity to an older woman while on a cruise ship…Yeah, that’s right, I had to travel practically to the arctic ocean to find a woman who was willing to have sex with me :eek:

During one night of fooling around, everything couldn’t have been more romantic, with the rocking motion of the ship and faint sound of waves outside. We were getting hot and heavy, but since this was my first time, I was still very nervous about some things. In particular, for some reason, I had this incredibly strong need to fart :eek: but would have been mortified if I let it slip. I was also too embarassed to run in the bathroom, since that wouldn’t do much to muffle the sound. I tried to hold it in as best as I could, but finally I said, “Hold on, I’ll be right back!” wrapped a towel around my waist, BOLTED down the hallway looking for a safe place to pass gas where nobody would hear me. I finally ran to the elevator lobby area, kind of bent and blasted the most collossal fart. As I stood up to go, I noticed an entire family that was standing right there the whole time, their faces kind of frozen in a :eek: expression. When I got back, she asked, “Where’s the champaigne?” :confused: Realizing she must have thought I was going to get champaigne, I kind of stammered and started to head for the door, but she said it was okay.

The worst one, though is probably while in the throes of passion, I was in sort of a kneeling position, and was kind of trailing off in the heat of the moment, “I…I…I HAVE A CHARLEY HORSE! OH GOD MY LEG!” and she started laughing uncontrollably as I was hugging my leg to try to make the cramp go away. That was the last time I was with her, too :frowning: Kind of sucks that a week’s worth of wonderful sexual experience culminate up to getting a charley horse and being unable to continue (by the time the charley horse went away she fell asleep! :mad: )

280

Am I missing something? The post directly before yours is nine months old.