A midget, a rabbi, and a horse walked into a bar…
Okay, most of the New Yorkers know of this little episode, but it’s worth repeating because they all peed in their pants when I told them about it.
Once, my old boyfriend Sean and I were right in the middle of doing the nasty and, as he’s pumping away, he asks, “do you know how to cook rice?”
It doesn’t get more humiliating than that, folks.
My ex-boyfriend and I were (quite seriously) getting on with our business, with winamp busting behind us, when this song called “Donkey Cock” came on.
And no matter how hard we tried to block out the lyrics, they busted in and we laughed our asses off to the point that we got up and e-mailed the artist.
-“Donkey Cock. You suck dick like a retard plays the fiddle”
-“Donkey Cock. Porno films, jack my dick with rented hands”
-“I fuck homeless women, it gives them a place to sleep and a hot meal.”
Okay. I just read this over and it’s obvious that you have to hear the song to find it funny.
Bah.
One last one for today…
Ever cough or laugh and have Coca-cola or milk go up your nose? Well I was with my girlfriend and…
Well, I bet your imagination can finish the rest!
**
My hips do the same thing. It can be extremely painful sometimes. I’ve never had it pop out during sex though!!
Once, my boyfriend, Sean, and I were making love and our heads were at the foot of the bed. I was on top of him, working pretty hard, and my 2 1/2 year old daughter walked into the room. I don’t know how long she watched us but she finally spoke up and said, “Watcha doin mommy?” I stopped in my and tracks tried to cover up a little bit. My daughter kept talking, “Boobies mommy, where’d Sean go, mommies butt, watcha doin mommy…” on and on.
It was pretty funny. I had to stop and get out of bed and get her a glass of milk before she’d go back to bed. Kind of ruined the mood but we laughed about it. I just hope it doesn’t scar her for life!
One time my ex and I were having sex and he started humming Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkeries.” It was so funny at the time. We both got an insatiable case of the giggles after that because of the immensity that the song implies. It was too funny.
HUGS!
Sqrl
my girlfriends roommate walking in on us last night actually and then shouting, “you GO GIRL!!!” and proceeded to dance in front of us while my girlfriend jumped off of me to run and grab some clothes while i’m just sitting there in front of the two of them “at full attention”
the smile on my face didn’t go away 'till this morning.
Me and a former roomate were having a party with a bunch of people over. He had made friends with a lovely girl and disappeared into his room. The rest of us were sitting in the living room watching TV when the noises started.
You see he had a bed with one of those metal frames and casters on the legs. He also had a hard wood floor in his room. So the bed is being driven all over the room knocking shit over and making a hell of a racket. At one point his guitar gets knocked over making that sproing sound. The rest of us were guessing what each sound was.
“That was a lamp”
“That had to be his jar of pennies”
“I’m not sure but that sounded like a goat”
A bed with wheels on a wood floor, this still cracks me up.
I will never again be able to hear “Ride of the Valkeries” without laughing… Is your ex still around?
The wife and I were kind of drunk one night and she reached over and grabbed what she thought was a tube of lube…nope, it was my extra strength Ben-Gay for my back and knees. Painfull doesn’t even begin to describe the sensation. Didn’t hurt at first but soon as I was inside, it BURNED something fierce. We ended up in the shower for most of the rest of the night.
My ex is still around. We broke up after 5.5 years and he now lives in Baltimore and I live in DC. I am with another boyfriend now. I am glad that you thought it was funny. I know we did.
HUGS!
Sqrl
My ex is still around. We broke up after 5.5 years and he now lives in Baltimore and I live in DC. I am with another boyfriend now. I am glad that you thought it was funny. I know we did. I should also say that he was pretty dry and boring a lot of the time. When you think of the stereotype of the unfunny, totally serios 100% of the time Capricorn’s, then you have an idea of what he was like almost all the time. He still was very kind and sweet until the end.
HUGS!
Sqrl
I have 2 stories:
1). I went to bachelorette party a few years ago and won a prize at one of the games. The prize was a finger puppet shaped like the end of a penis. It was as long as my thumb, a little smaller than life sized around and extremely realistic. That night, I kept my puppet palmed when my old man and I went to bed. I also was careful to keep the small bedside lamp on. Midway into the main event, I slipped the puppet into my mouth and onto my tongue. On each thrust I stuck the head of the penis-puppet out of my mouth. Kevin was pretty into things so it took him a couple of thrusts to notice, but when he did he laughed so hard he lost his erection.
2). This is my favorite story, although it isn’t as graphic as some on this thread. As I’ve mentioned on a few other threads, my husband is not a very romantic guy – which is just as well if this story illustrates what happens when he attempts ‘sweet nothings.’ Several years ago, we were making love. It was very nice. Afterwards, he kissed me sweetly and whispered, “You know, honey, I can’t think of anything I’ve had as long as I’ve had you that I still enjoy so much.” The funniest thing was the completely sincere look on his face. I couldn’t help it, I just burst our laughing, and after a second, so did he. We still laugh about it.
My wife has this thing about eyes. She gets really grossed out if she can only see the whites of somebodys eyes. Well, one night we were having some fun and just as I passed the point of no return I relaxed and my eyes rolled up in their sockets. From her reaction I thought some axe murderer had sneaked up behind me. She totally freaked. We still laugh about it, and I try to remember to keep my eyes closed.
John
I’m crying here! If my husband didn’t have internet access and hadn’t threatened to visit here, I’d tell you some funny stories!
O.K., just one.
Hubby and I are having fun when in walks our son, who was about 6 years old at the time. We spring apart, grabbing sheets and pulling them up neck high.
“He didn’t see anything.” My husband whispers to me.
“Daddy, why do you have a rubberband around your penis?” My son then asks.
I laughed and laughed. My husband did not find it funny at all.
omg this thread is hilarious. I’m cryin’ at work here.
My story goes like this:
One night in college my fiancee (gf at the time) and I were, well, involved… I was, well, lets just say I was working “down below”. Right when I was really gettin’ into it, she sneezed, and her hips bucked. Smacked me full in the face and scared the bajeezus out of me. We still laugh about that one.
-S
Okay. BF at the time and I were sitting on the floor watching a movie when one of the two of us got bored (can’t remember which) and started putting the moves on the other. So we end up naked going at it on my bedroom floor. No biggie there.
Thing is, at the time, I didn’t have a chair for my computer, and my head was right next to the thing I was using for a chair–a very large purple Rubbermaid utility bucket–one that is almost three feet tall. My head was right up against it. I didn’t notice this until somehow the bucket FELL OVER from behind my head and hit me on the forehead.
We laughed about that for about five minutes, while somehow managing to complete the act through gales of laughter. I’d imagine the look on my face was priceless, but you’d have to ask him for a definite answer. 
ROFLMAO!!! I can hardly stay in the chair, I’m laughing so hard!! Great topic,B_Line! I’m so glad to know that such funny/embarrassing stuff happens to other people too! 
I have lots of stories, but I’ll just share one. One night while hubby and I were making love, just as we were really getting into the ‘swing’ of things, my cat decided she wanted some attention, and walked across his tush. Meowing for attention. With her claws out.
Let’s just say, the way he jumped felt ‘interesting’ and his scream of pain really freaked me out, til I found out what had happened. Then, we both got to laughing so hard he rolled off me, and it was a while before we could finish.
After we locked Sassy out of the bedroom.
DAYIUZ, you have me in fits of giggles. Thats something I always fear will happen to me, but am happy to say at this point hasnt happened yet lol.
A cute one that didnt involve me, but a girl I work with (she has the wildest stories that just put us into hysterics)
She was at her boyfriend’s house in high school and he told her he wanted some lovin. She had never done that before but thought she would impress him with her worldly ways. Once he was done…
“I had this mouth full of stuff I didnt know what to do with so I grabbed an empty glass on his night stand and spat into it. When we finally got up he rinsed the glass and put it in the kitchen sink. That night his mom invited me for supper and when we sat down, I almost peed my pants, mom had poured milk in the same kind of glass.”
A girlfriend of mine was (and presumably still is) close to her family, and an aunt in particular whom I chatted online with from time to time.
They were having a conversation about me, and her aunt made some joke about how I would come over to her place for blow jobs. (I never met her in person at that point, and she was totally kidding around). My girlfriend relayed this back to me, and we laughed.
Later, while I was getting oral sex from this girl, it struck me to be a funny guy, and I moaned as seductively as I could, “Oh God, baby, you’re much better at this than your aunt is!”
She immediately stopped, and cracked up for jysterically for several minutes, and I laughed along with her.
Unfortunately, she could no longer continue that act after this due to laughter, so it did have its drawbacks…
Yer pal,
Satan
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