Funny things said during love making/intimate moments...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

The time: my freshman year of college.
The place: my friend’s boyfriend’s room.
The background info: My friend and I used to hang out in her BF’s room, because he had a futon and a large TV. He was roommates with a guy, we’ll call him Andy. Andy, meanwhile, had a girlfriend who we’ll call Erica. Andy and Erica were very sexual, and items like handcuffs and whatnot would appear in the room regularly. So…

The scene: We were all watching a movie late at night, when Andy and Erica retired to their upper bunk, curtained-off bed. Pretty soon curious noises start coming out from behind the curtain, and those of us below were feeling both embarrassed and annoyed. All of the sudden, there was a huge thud right next to me (closest to the bed), and I looked over to see a plastic leg lying on the floor. Without thinking, I gasped, “Is that a leg?!”, wondering what in the hell kind of kinky purpose they were using that for.

Turned out Erica had lost her real leg in an accident seven years earlier, but I had never known she had a false leg. I guess it fell off as they were getting intimate. To this day my friends will occasionally say, “Is that a leg?”.

42

This only counts if “Oh f*ck, my nose is broken!” counts as being “funny.”

My alltime favorite position is woman on top. That lets her control the tempo and also gives my bad back a little bit of a break. A former girlfriend and I are enjoying the hell out of ourselves and we both are getting to that point where you sort of become oblivious to the world - you’re just in the moment. In the throes of this, I raise my head and shoulders up from the pillow just at the time that she bends forward - SMACK! Her nose is broken, blood is streaming down her face onto my chest, complete chaos ensues. By the time we get to the emergency room the towel is soaked through, her eyes are completely black, and I have a knot the size of a tennis ball on my forehead.

Not long after that she broke up with me.

43

My face hurts from laughing at this thread! :smiley:

It wasn’t anything funny that was said, but mother nature once intervened in lovemaking with my husband in a comical way. It was one of those sessions that started out with promise, but after a while I became apparent that for whatever reason it wasn’t really gonna happen for either of us. It was early in our relationship so neither one of us wanted to risk hurting the other person’s feelings and just saying “let’s call it a night, huh?” lol. So we’re absentmindedly grinding away hoping the other will finish or give up, when suddenly: there’s an earthquake! Just a little one, but enough for us to stop, enjoy the bed shaking without us for a couple of minutes, and then burst into laughter. It was so hilarious trying to tell each other “The earth moved for me” and keep a straight face, lol!

I have to admit, I think the story with the leg almost takes the cake, ROFL!!!

44

A long long time ago, I lived in this tiny one-bedroom apartment. My boyfriend at the time slept over every night, and I also had a female friend (Kim) that ended up crashing on my couch frequently. I did not realize that I could be kind of loud during sex until one morning when I came out of my bedroom and she started imitating how I sounded at a very special moment, if you know what I mean. Evidently I used the phrase “Oh God” more than once… anyway, the BF started giggling and said that I did, in fact, sound just like that.

So the next time Kim slept over, the BF and I went to “bed” and right in the middle of it, I yelled out, “Oh my dark lord of the underworld! Oh Satan!” The BF got this horrified look on his face, I heard Kim shrieking with laughter in the living room, and the BF started laughing too, once he realized that I was kidding. It killed the mood for that night, though.

They never made fun of my sex noises again. :wink:

45

A long time ago, in a generation far, far away…when it was a sin to have sex before you were married…

The action: My fiance and I are sorely tempted, feeling we cannot possibly wait any longer and heck it’s only two weeks until the wedding and what difference could it possibly make to anyone, anyway, and there have never, ever been two people as much in love as we are and oh God I want you so bad.

So, we are on the couch, following the logic that if we were in the bedroom what we were doing would be “sex,” but out here on the couch it’s just “necking.” We are getting closer…closer…ooo very, very close to going where neither of us has ever gone before…very nervous, passionate…remember that FIRST TIME??? That wonderfully fearful mixture of anticipation and passion???

The setting: Old, cheap housing, infested with cockroaches, mice and other vermin. My landlord has kindly placed mouse traps virtually everywhere.

Resuming action: At THE MOMENT–well for him anyway–remember it was long ago and we were “inexperienced” … right before the moment … a mouse steps into a mousetrap immediately under the couch. Snap goes the trap, scaring us half to death. The world stops. We think at first we can ignore this. But it was not to be, for this particular mouse did not have the common courtesy to die quickly and quietly. Oh no! It flops around. It squeals. It flops some more. The trap bangs repeatedly against the couch leg, and you can almost hear the mouse’s tail slap, slap slapping on the floor. In due time, the mouse expired.

And so did our passion. For by this time we are laughing, horrified, laughing, embarrassed, laughing, ashamed, laughing, crying.

Aftermath: We pulled on what few clothes we had actually dared to take off (if you are partially dressed it isn’t really “sex”), pulled out the couch, found the dead mouse and the trap. And being basically good people and very much in love…we naturally disposed of the mouse, painted the mouse trap gold and put it on the mantle with a little label saying “virgin sacrifice”…“how God kept us pure for the last two weeks.”

No thing since has ever been quite that poignantly funny.

46

as u wish, that is the sweetest thing.

You must be horrified at the goings on on this thread!

47

I thought you weren’t going to tell anyone, Val!!

Drainy, it was before you, I swear…

Yer pal,
Satan

I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
One month, one week, three days, 18 hours, 34 minutes and 44 seconds.
1630 cigarettes not smoked, saving $203.87.
Life saved: 5 days, 15 hours, 50 minutes.

48

OH, this thread is good!

my wife and I were on our Honeymoon, and had rented a half-cabin for the week.
In the other half of the cabin was a couple in their 70’s, who seemed to be mostly deaf. They’d wake us very early with the tv on at full blast, but we got even…

The headboard on our bed wasn’t attached, and was right against the dividing wall, so I’m sure we kept them up at night…

K-wham! K-wham! K-wham! :wink:

49

Alright… I have another one.

My GF at the time and I went through this “toy” phase we would purchase “items” from a specialty magazine (adam and eve) and give them a try. Some were successfull and some where not. The following account is one that was not.

We purchased these little pink latex “tickler” bands, they were about an 2 inches wide and textured with a variety of fancy “please her” designs.

We were gettin it on so to speak, when we had the idea “hey, lets try those!” So I get one and stretch the ring around my thing. It felt kind of different at first, and I have to say her face didnt exactly scream pleasure. Then it started to feel good and right. A couple of minutes pass and I decide to feel down there and make sure its still positioned right. Guess what, there was nothing to feel. I sit back and look down and its not on me. I looked left and right and it was no where to be found. I guess I looked a little perplexed because my GF started to look concerned. Suddenly I went in after it. Nothing sensual about it, I was on a mission.

NOW… I tell you, I have never seen eyes pop wide open to the size of saucers as my GF’s did when I suddenly crammed a couple fingers and fished around for a bit. About the time she exclaimed “What the HELL are you doing!” I located it and pulled it out and held it above my head and triumphantly declaired “I found it!”

I dont even recall how long our fits of laughter lasted, It still makes me laugh just thinking about it.

50

Ok, I have another story, too.

When I lived in San Francisco, I was a regular at a bar called Midtown a few blocks from my apartment. (It’s now called Molotov’s for those who can’t place it) Anyway, I played pool with a bunch of fellows every night and became good friends with them. One of them, Pete, was especially talented and extremely attractive.

To make a very, very long story short, we ended up at my apartment one night and we started getting busy. He took off his shirt, and, to my astonishment, had several tattoos.

One of them was a yellow Star of David.

In my drunken haze and throes of passion, I asked him, “are you the sheriff?”

He laughed straight for 20 minutes. I moved to New York two days later.

51

I don’t know if anyone will think this is funny, but it cracks me up…

I was a senior in high school, dating this German exchnage student. Well, the first time I met him was after a basketball game and he came over to talk to my friend Mandy. I was too nervous to speak because he was so cute and had the sexiest accent, but eventually he turned to me and said, “you look nice tonight.” well I spazzed and went blank, and the only thing that came out of my mouth was a loud, high-pitched “DANKE SCHOEN!” It was that bad, folks, I felt like a dork and he looked at me funny and walked away. Mandy made fun of me, saying I had squealed at him like a freak…I never thought I’d live it down.

Fast forward several months: we started talking online and are now dating. He got his driver’s liscence and took me driving. We ended up at a parking lot near some school and were going at it in the backseat - not sex (both of us were virgins) but everything but. It was very steamed up in the car, lemme tell ya, and toward the end he went down in me and I gave him a hand job. We both finished about the same time and we were just lying there dazed and exhausted when he looked at me and said, “now you can say it.” And I said, “huh?” (not being at my intellectual best) and he looked at me with this goofy ass grin, crossed his eyes, and squeals at the top of his lungs, “DANKE SCHOEN! DANKE SCHOEN!! DANKE SCHOEN!!” I was so embarrassed that he remembered and we just laughed for the next half hour. It completely loosened us up. I still laugh like a dork when I think about it. :slight_smile:

Another time, when we were just starting to get physical, I was sitting in his lap on his bed and we were making out. My hand accidentally brushed his penis, and to my surprise it was hard. I jumped up and he said “WHAT?” and I looked down at his crotch and said, “ummm…” and he gave me with this sweet, caring look and said, “It’s just my penis, honey. It’s ok.” I laugh whenever I think of the look on his face and how sweet he was. I was such a dork!

I vote for the leg story too. I read it to my friends and they wrte cracking up!

52

I would just like to let you all know that you are HILARIOUS. Nothing to add myself, but this thread is CLASSIC.

SaxFace: the sheriff? ROFLMAO… yup, there’s your Joshua Wayne for ya :wink:

53

I was 18 years old. Out to a local “college” bar with my girlfriends. Margaret, who was very into sex toys with her BF, gives me a little gift - while we’re standing around the pool table, shooting some with the guys.

Its a flesh-colored dildo, with an Indian Maiden’s face (and long braids) at the top, and at the base, there’s this little BEAVER (I kid you not) with a very long tongue sticking out, and another smaller beaver on its back.

The thing has a battery pack, and when you turn it on, it not only vibrates, but also squirms, like a worm on a fishhook. That Beaver tongue went like gangbusters. Mmmm… Mmmmm… Good!

She says: “His name is Poke-a-Hontas!”

We all died laughing, and of course, the boys wanted to know what the fuss was about - so, I held up my prize and demonstrated its little dance for them. They turned bright red, then a bit green, blue, and finally white as sheets.

Pokie has been handed down to my other girlfriends, over time, but “He” had a special place in my purse for years. Pokie was a sure-fire way to liven up the conversation while perched on a bar-stool!

54

Coldfire, I’m glad you enjoyed “the sheriff” story. It’s a classic.

For the record, this man was the most “well-endowed” individual I’d ever encountered. Coincidentally, he worked at a restaurant called Palomino.

AvaRose, please, please tell me where I can get a “poke-a-hontas”. It sounds FABULOUS.

55

I once made a guy get out of bed right in the middle of things to kill a spider on the ceiling.
Picture this…Him on top going to town and me evidently not very interested because I am starring at the ceiling! 10ft. ceilings mind you and he wasn’t very happy, but I was already getting up to get dressed.
When our friends heard all the noise they come running up the hall to stop short at the door to see me screaming and him jumping on the bed butt naked!

Here is a nother on like the broken nose.

One nite I get a phone call from my best friend to come and pick her up at the ER. When I asked her why she told me that she hit her head on the ceiling fan and had to have five stitches.
Now I know it was during some kind of sex act, but neither her or the guy she was with will tell anybody exactly what they were doing with the fan!

56

Sax:

Pokie is now in the possession of a voluptuous red-headed friend of mine. You know, for those times when the BF just ain’t enough.

Margaret never revealed to me from whence Pokie came, but damn, that Beaver Tongue thingy was WILD! Not to mention the “worm action”…

57

Oh man! I’m laughing so hard I’m hyperventilating. “Is that a leg??” Bwahahahahaha! I go nuthin’ on the above stories, but here goes:

Imagine a man and a woman, very much in love.

Imagine than man and that woman expressing that love–missionary style.

Imagine a very curious dog with a cold wet nose, who decides to “investigate” the back of the man’s scrotum.

I have never heard a human being make a noise like the one that my husband made right then.

58

ALRIGHT… since where talking about dogs. LMAO Heres yet another one…

I was slumped on the couch, getting beloved, if rare, oral from my SO, when the dog walks up to us (this is the first time I notice he is just the right height) and JUST WATCHES, inches from her face and my thing. Ocassionally he looks up at MY face and then back down at her as if to say to her, “when is it my turn?” Well that just didnt last too long… damn dog. L

59

This wasn’t during sex, but it was rather sex-related, so I’ll tell it here.

During one of the first trips Satan made up to see me, I took him to my favorite local Mexican restaurant for dinner. This was right before Christmas, and there was what appeared to be an office Christmas party of some sort at a table next to us–about 15-20 people of various ages exchanging small gifts. Halfway during our meal, we hear the table crack up, and thought nothing of it.

About five minutes later, we’re eating dinner, and Brian whispers urgently to me, “Honey, LOOK!” He’s pointing down at the floor with about as unexaggerated a point as I’ve ever seen. Brian’s not usually the type to be subtle about anything, which made me rather intrigued. So I turn around, and on the floor behind a woman–I guess it had rolled off the table–was a small vibrator. We both about lost it. Not only was it amazingly silly to see a vibrator on the carpet at a Mexican restaurant, but we spent the rest of the evening trying to figure out what this woman did to deserve receiving a vibrator for a Christmas gift.

60

Summer, 1999. BF at the time and I had just come home from seeing South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. We’re having some post-coital pillow-talk, and during this, we begin repeating our favorite lines from the movie. He really loved the part where Saddam Hussein shows his dismembered member to Satan, and he kept giggling “Heeeeeeey, Satan!” throughout the evening.

At some point, he’s not really looking at me, so I very carefully, without making any noise, reach down to the drawer underneath my waterbed where I kept my penis-shaped vibrator. I positioned it so that I could wiggle it around as it poked out from under the blanket, looked at him, and said “Heeeeeey, Satan!”

It took him about 10 seconds to see the vibrator, but when he did, he laughed so hard he rolled off of my bed. He’s one of the funniest people I know, but that’s the one time I’ve ever seen him laugh so hard he cried.

It’s not really funny unless you’ve seen the movie, and even then, maybe you had to be there. We thought it was great.