Funny things said during love making/intimate moments...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

You can buy the Indian maiden vibrator at most sex shops. There are a few other types like the snake charmer (his round turban is the “head”, the basket the “beaver”, and the snake the “beaver’s tongue”). There is also the big finger and rotating thumb (the thumb is where the beaver is on the Indian maiden).

There is a Romantic Intentions shop few miles from my house and let’s just say that I am on a first name basis with the staff. :wink:

Ummm. . . let’s see. . . .

One night on the way home from a date, me and an old boyfriend were getting a little anxious and unable to contain ourselves before we got home.

I decided to start things a little early and began giving him a blow job. I guess he was getting a little bit too into it because he missed my driveway, took out a garbage can (it was garbage night), drove up the curb, and hit my tree.

He got teeth marks in his pecker and I got a bump on the head from the steering wheel.

Not too long ago, I was riding my old boyfriend rather enthusiactically :wink: when his head hit the headboard and tipped a huge glass of icewater right onto his face.

He was gulping and trying to catch his breath, I was laughing my ass off, but there was no way I was going to stop because I was right there at the edge.

I did have to go back and finish him off since he lost the mood for a few minutes.

This one didn’t happen to me but a good friend of mine was having sex with her husband when she suddenly felt a very sharp pain. It was so painful that all she could do was moan and hollar. Her husband thought, “Damn, she is really getting into this.” and really began pumping away which made her moan and scream louder. She was finally able to push him off.

Come to find out, she had had some surgery a few weeks early and something had popped.

62

This isn’t something anyone said, but it was still pretty embarassing . . .

I used to have a king size waterbed, and my GF and I thought it would be fun to take all the covers off of it, grease it up wit baby oil and slide around on the bed while making love. It wasn’t too bad until we decided to try it doggy-style. The oil left no traction and when I, uh, well, for lack of a better word, “thrusted” she slipped and fell on her stomach, causing me to fall forward, cracking my forehead on the headboard. No stitches necessary, just a couple seconds of blurred vision.

The mood was pretty much spoiled, but we had a good laugh trying to think of what I can tell the guys at work the following day about how I got that golf-ball sized lump on my forehead.

PS. You ever try to clean baby oil off a king sized rubber waterbed mattress so you can put the sheets back on? It is NOT worth the effort!

63

OK, I learned some interesting things from my relationship with my third boyfriend, who is also named Matt.

  1. It is possible to make love in Esperanto. “Ho! Jes! Plu! Faru ghin! Hooo, jes, tio bonas! Ree! Aj, fiku min! Jes! Jes! Mi churas! … Chu la tero movighis por vi?”

  2. If you are a gay teenager and you’re going to have sex in the bathtub with your houseguest, make DAMN sure your parents are firmly at work. My dad forgot something and came in to get it while we were rolling around in the tub. Thank gods he didn’t come into the bathroom. That could have been bad. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Matt so quiet. And of course as soon as my dad left, we took a deep breath, and burst out laughing.

Then there was the time I was going out with my fourth boyfriend Eric. He was in a group home at the time and I was living with my parents, and so we spent a lot of time making out in parks and whatnot. So one evening we were in a park in the village, making out, and I saw a cop in his car watching us. We kept making out for like twenty minutes, just on the verge of doing something illegal but not quite getting there, just to piss him off. That was fun.

64

The winners are for the " Funniest Intimate Moments." Are:

(In no specific order)

  1. Horowitz for " that had to be his jar of pennies"

  2. Beadalin - “Is that a leg?” (snort)

  3. As-u-wish - Virgin Sacrifice ( nicely written too.)

  4. Sax Face “Are you the Sherrif” (snort and a guffaw)

65

Hehe…I got a funny one. Ok so i’m in a girls bed and I was too big for her…so she was pleasuring me in other ways if ya get my drift. Well right above the bed there was a bullseye for throwing darts. Well…apon climax my special protein mix shot out…and the first load hit the bullseye dead on…she bursts out laughing at the time and after finishing my climax it was funny to see I hit the dead center. Then she says to me, “that’s quite a gun you got there mister.” :smiley:

66

Just wanted to bump this up so everyone would see me last post. :smiley:

67

Silo get the fuck out of my thread… your not invited.

68

My personal favorite thus far is the fart in the face during fellatio. BWAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

Homer, I can relate! One of the first times my fiancé and I tried doggy style, I started feeling very uncomfortable. I thought is was just a lack of lube (and I suppose that, in a way, it was). When he was finished and pulled out, and I started to lay down to relax, what had to be several milliters of air escaped very noisily from my female regions–he seemed stunned and just patted my back. I explained what “varts” were and that we’d just experienced the loudest ones I’d ever encountered. Apparently, he was pumping me full of air! (Tip: Do not pull out all the way and then go back in in this position! We’ve learned…)

The other is similar–we were macking naked on the floor, not having sex just yet, and our bodies were very hot and sweaty. We were deep into a passionate, climactic moment when the friction made a very loud fart sound, like blowing into your elbow pit. We paused, and lost it. Body farts are still hilarious to us, and every now and then we’ll call, “Oh baby, yes baby, yes yes PBBBBBBTTTTT!”

69

I don’t have anything interesting to add to this thread but I just want you guys to know that if I get fired, it will be your fault! I am sitting here in much pain, looking extremely constipated! Why? Because I have about 15 family members of an accident victim being counseled right outside my office and this thread is so freaking hilarious that I am having to hold in my laughter and disguise it with stupid faces!

70

Ahhh I see, this is an invitation only thread. Well that’s just too bad you selfish bastard. :smiley:

71

Oh… Im sorry… didnt you get yours? :smiley:

72

Oooops - make that a rotating finger and a vibrating thumb.

Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I know all about the baby oil on a waterbed mattress. I had to empty my bed and spread in on the front lawn so I could scrub the thing and use the hose to rinse. What a pain in the ass.

Another thing to NOT do:

I while back me and a guy were goofing around with a can of cherry pie filling. It was great until we noticed that it had stained our skin and wouldn’t wash off. We looked as if we had some horrendous skin rash over most of our body.

It turned out okay, it didn’t wash off so we had to
take some time off work and camp out in my room for a few days.

This one wasn’t me, but my bestfriend.

She decided to surprise her boyfriend one night so she hides out in her room until he came home. She hears him in the kitchen but just to make sure it is him she called his name.

Reassured that it was him and not her son, she struts down the hallway wearing nothing but her white cowboy boots and white cowboy hat and a red rose in her teeth.

She leans over the counter and said in a sultry voice, “Hey cowboy, can this girl go for a ride?”

Just then she hears something behind her, turns around and saw her boyfriend’s boss and his wife sitting on the couch.

She was horrified, they were embarrassed, and her boyfriend got a raise soon after (both kinds ;)).

73

You should know that the correct term is “queaf”. Thank you.

74

Thanks, Matt, I was going to make that correction earlier, but never got around to it.

But it’s spelled “Queef”.

–Tim

75

So I have the, er, balls to tell my girlfriend that her aunt is better at it during a blow job, and I don’t even get an honorable mention?!?!?

I see how this works now. If I said I let my girlfriend put a strap-on in my ass and I said “Ouch,” that would have been the funniest shit ever, huh!!!

Damn ingrates…

Yer pal,
Satan

TIME ELAPSED SINCE I QUIT SMOKING:
One month, one week, six days, 6 hours, 4 minutes and 50 seconds.
1730 cigarettes not smoked, saving $216.26.
Life saved: 6 days, 10 minutes.

76

Ok this is a post coital story. Me and my GF at the time lived in different cities so we only saw each other two weekends a month. Because of this it was easy to lose track of monthly events.

So we were doing it and things just didn’t feel quite right. Anyway we finished and I get up to take a shower. I liked to shower right after so I didn’t have to sleep all sticky and wake up all crusty. My GF hated this.

I’m in the shower feeling pretty happy and relaxed when I look down. I see the trail of blood swirling down the drain. It looked like the scence out of Psycho! Keeping with the spirit of the moment I let out my best Janet Leigh scream and proceeded to check myself for wounds. I am serious I screamed like a woman. I am so embarrassed.

I then hear the knock on the door and the GF says, “sorry about that”

Me, “You knew”

Her, “Sex helps my cramps”

Me, “Fuck your cramps”

77

My wife and I were on our Honeymoon in San Diego. We stayed at the Horton Grand Hotel. The room we were in had a fireplace and she thought it would be romantic to have a fire going while we “did what newlyweds usually do” on the floor. The problem with this was that it was the beginning of July and thus very VERY hot outside… even at 9:00 pm.

So we are “doing what newlyweds usually do” in front of the fireplace with the lage balconey door open and suddenly hear fireworks going off in the distance, yes it was July 3 and some people were setting off their rockets a little early.]

We still laugh about it.

The funny part of this is that about 1 year later, we are on a canoe trip with my best friend and his girlfriend. We tell them the above story and have a good laugh about it.

My wife and I are “doing what married couples usually do” in our tent when we hear this loud m-80-type “BANG”. We are doing everything we can to keep from laughing our heads off, when my best friend says from his tent, “What are you guys doing over there?” We couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Talk about funny!

78

You did! hehe. Actually, you’re being a bit squimish here. I don’t know how many times my wife and I have played out the post coital scene in the bathroom with her on the john and me standing at the counter, washing Big Dave and the Twins in the sink. It’s just a part of life.

My funniest sex story does not involve me, but one time, at a college party at my friends house, a foreign exchange student who we all knew hooked up with a girl there. It being relatively warm, they went out into the side yard, and started humping like bunnies. When someone told my friend Terry,“Hey, XXXX and XXXX are out in your yard fucking.” he was a bit concerned. Since Terry lived with his parents in a normal suburban neighborhood, he didn’t want such to get in trouble over those two. He ran out into the yard and started yelling " Hey! stop that!" etc…When they kept right on going, he kicked the guy right in the butt, saying " You can’t do that here! “. The guy throws his head back, obviously cuming hard, and yells ( in an Apu (from the Simpsons) accent)” Feeeeeeellllsssss Goooooooooooooood! Everyone was instantly ROGL. For the rest of the semester, all you had to do to get us laughing was say " Feeeeeeellllsssss Goooooooooooooood "!

79

<bows> Glad you guys liked the leg story-- thank goodness I could make a hasty exit!

While I’m here, I’ll tell another quick one. My boyfriend and I were enjoying some late-night night drunken cavorting, and in the heat of passion, failed to notice we were close to the edge of the bed. Soon enough, we slid off the bed. I landed on top of Pat, so I was fine, but he had pretty much backflopped onto the hardwood floor and smacked his head on the alarm clock radio, which blared on at maximum volume. Not only was Pat in pain, but the alarm scared the crap out of him, so he was trying to scramble out from under me. I was a wee bit too hazy to register that he was a) hurting and b) trying to get up-- I thought he just trying to find his rhythm again, so I held on. Woops. We laughed about it the next day, when he showed me the giant lump on the back of his head. Poor guy.

80

Not quite something that was said, but a funny situation. In college I had a loft bed that was propped right in front of the window facing a busy street. My roommate had a strobelight, and my so and I were both into the B-52’s, so we decided to make love under the strobe light.

We’re going at it, and getting really into it when we hear a lot of commotion. Turns out that there is a crowd of drunk college kids cheering us on, only seeing our stroboscopic sillouettes. When we realize what is happening, I freeze not knowing how she’s going to take it, and she laughs. We paused for a few moments before finishing up our little show.