I don’t think I have anything on these posts so far, but here are my two additions:
1.) I had this girlfriend for a while who had the misfortune of a.) being very self conscious b.) having orgasms which lasted at least 60 seconds, often longer. The thing is, she was real concerned her neighbours might hear her in the midsts of excalmatory pleasure. So one night we are going at it and she is reaching that point, and she is trying to desperately keep herself from making any noise. The resultant snorts, muffled gurgles and sporks made her sound like she was having a stroke. I had to use so much concentration to keep from laughing, I almost lost my erection.
2.) I had another girlfriend who had a real active playful cat. Well one day me and this girlfriend are going at it doggy-style, and my jewels are swinging in the wind. This cat gets curious, comes up behind me and starts batting them with his paw like a boxing bag. We laughed for hours.
This is from a friend from high school who was a deputy sheriff. He was out on one of his first patrols with another deputy when they pulled into the back parking lot of the county’s football stadium with their lights out. They noticed a little Toyota parked over in the far corner. Pulling close, they saw that the car was fogged up.
He said the other deputy put his finger to his lips and got this evil grin on his face. They drove back to the entrance, turned around, hit the lights, sirens, and the gas. They got up to the car, slammed on the brakes and leaped out yelling “Out of the car! Out of the car!”.
The poor kids inside were so terrified, that they got out with their pants on backwards.
This is from a friend from high school who was a deputy sheriff. He was out on one of his first patrols with another deputy when they pulled into the back parking lot of the county’s football stadium with their lights out. They noticed a little Toyota parked over in the far corner. Pulling close, they saw that the car was fogged up.
He said the other deputy put his finger to his lips and got this evil grin on his face. They drove back to the entrance, turned around, hit the lights, sirens, and the gas. They got up to the car, slammed on the brakes and leaped out yelling “Out of the car! Out of the car!”.
The poor kids inside were so terrified, that they got out with their pants on backwards.
My fiance (then brand-new boyfriend) and I had just returned to my college apartment after a full night of Bud Light and Jose Cuervo. I wanted to set a romantic mood, so I grabbed the most romantic audio tape I had: “Songs of the Humpback Whales.”
So I press play, and it’s a tape, so there’s that lead-in time, and we start making out, and then
We burst out in uncontrollable laughter. …and from then on, have stuck with Johnny Gill and Tony Rich. It’s not possible to be drunk enough that humpback whales become sexxy.
Possibly had to be there, but…The first time my wife and I got to know one another (as it were) was at my brothers house in Seattle. I had just pulled into town that morning from college for the summer, and she came down from Vancouver to see me (we knew each other from my trip to Europe, but were just friends over there). After a bottle of Tequila shared between my brother, her friend and us that evening, we decided to go to bed. Problem was, no one knew where to sleep. My brother said I could have the small room next to the living room, and her friend could sleep on the pull-out bed in said living room (about 5 feet from the entrance to the room). Now, present wife and I were just friends at this point, but there was some definite tension in the air between us. Emboldened by the Tequila I calmly stated “Friend, you can sleep here, and you” (pointing to wife-to-be) “are sleeping with me.”
Sometimes a man gotta do what a man gotta do.
Initial shock gets passed through and the now established girlfriend and I go into the side bedroom noticing that there is only a curtain for a door. Hmmm. This could be interesting. We stumble into the room and immediately start tearing clothes off each other, but trying to keep as quiet as possible (yeah, right). The sex seemed to go on for a good long time (youthful exuberance) and we kept going through cycles of noticing that we were being loud and trying to quiet down.
Cut to the next morning.
Brother walks in with friend after we heard them talking and laughing on the other side of the curtain. Grinning he says “Well, thanks for the show last night!” We gathered up what pride we could off of the ground and said that we were sorry, but you know, the curtain (pointing). And he looks at us with a strange expression and goes “Why didn’t you just shut the door?”
Both of us at the same time: “You mean, there’s a door?”
There was a sliding door that came out from the middle of the wall that we didn’t even see. The four of us fell down and just started laughing.
“You mean, there’s a door?” still cracks us up to this day.
My face hurts from not laughing as loudly as I want to be laughing right now…
Serveral years ago, I was single and living in a one bedroom apartment. Friends of mine, a couple who each lived at home with their parents, used to stay over at my place on the weekends, for obvious reasons. Being a gracious hostess, I would always let them sleep in the bedroom, while I stayed on the foldout couch in the living room. Well, one morning, judging by the sounds coming from the next room, they were, ummmm, waking each other up. I was trying to ignore it, until I heard hysterical laughter coming from the room. A few seconds later, he opened the door, and my cat came galloping out of the room with a water glass, not empty, stuck on her head, with water dribbling out the sides. While they were doing their thing, the cat (who had likely been locked in the room all night) decided to try to drink the last bit of water out of the glass, gotten her head stuck, gave out a muffled miaou, then started running around the room, bumping her head off of walls, furniture…
Needless to say, the cat sort of ruined the moment for them
I shouldn’t be reading this at work! You guys are cracking me up!
My small contribution has a cat in it also. This former BF didn’t like cats, and I guess the cat had figured it out. We were in the missionary position, under a light sheet, when the cat came in the room. She saw something moving around under that sheet and came flying across the room to pounce with all claws directly onto his ass.
He screamed as if he was a girl, and then moved very quickly. Needless to say, we did not finish. I was laughing too hard to remain interested.
That was a few years ago. Now I’m married, and we have a dog. After the first time she shoved her cold wet nose on hubby’s balls during sex, he decided she couldn’t watch anymore. LOL, puppy now has to wait in the other room.
My wife and I were newly-married, and were “doin it.” I guess I needed some extra stimulation, so I grunted to her, “Make big noises, make big noises!” My wife, without missing a beat, started sqealing “Oink! Oink! Oink!”
I stopped, and with a very puzzled look on my face said, “What the hell are you doing???”
“Well, you said ‘Make pig noises’, didn’t you?”, my wife replied.
I started laughing my ass off, not because she did a perfect pig impression, but because she thought I was into beastiality fantasies and didn’t seem to care at all!
Needless to say, that’s been one of our inside jokes to this day.
Wow! It was like this thread was created just for me. Now I finally have a chance to share my embarassing sexual encounters and those of my friends with the world.
Embarassing story #1:
It was I believe my sophomore year in high school and my girlfriend and I decided to spend the evening at her house in the country. Their garage was a seperate building from the house, and upstairs there was finished “game room” of sorts. This, we figured, would be a perfect location to do a litle undisturbed fooling around.
Well, things were progressing quite nicely in our secluded little love-nest. she was sitting in my lap with her shirt off, her pants around her ankles, and I was “letting my fingers do the walking”. I guess we were a little distracted, for neither of us heard the footsteps on the stairs, and when I look up, I’m looking straight into the eyes of her father standing in the doorway. He had come up to see if us kids needed anything. Obviously, we already had everything well in hand, so to speak.
Needless to say, things were decidedly anxious between her father and me from that point on.
Now if you children ask nicely, I might share some other of my humerous misadventures with you.
Oh dear GOD I HATE you!! ROFLMAO I was just now sitting at work with my face RED as a beat, shoulders humping up and down with TEARS STREAMING down my face trying not to BURST out in laughter. People were looking at me… I think they thought I was in sobbing and crying. That is the best one by far IMHO!!!
Ashtaroth, I’m with B_Line on this one–“Make pig noises!”…I can’t even type, I’m laughing so hard.
I have to say that my favorite, though, is Beadalin’s “Is that a leg?” Oh, man…I think I’m going to get fired if I don’t quiet down!
I have to put in my $.02 and not read anymore! So…
One night my best friend and her BF and me and my Fiancee go out and get drunk, so we all decide to crash at best friend’s house. Best friend and her BF go into her room, leaving F and me on the couch. About two seconds after best friend closes the bedroom door, F and I go at it. Well, “Oh” seems to be my word of choice when enjoying myself, only this night it was coming out a very high-pitched “ooh”, sounding very much like “who”. The next morning at breakfast, best friend’s BF, totally straight-faced says “Did you guys hear that owl hooting all night?”
Needless to say I was mortified and the BF to this day calls me things like “Hooty” and “Woodsy” and makes no end of owl jokes for my benefit.
I had a similar experience to the cat, except I was house sitting for a woman who had a rather large parrot. The parrot had the run of the house, and it landed on my buttocks at precisely the wrong moment.
Another experience happened after sex. I’m an “absent minded professor” type person. When I was in the commune, I taught a number of computer classes for our business, but I would frequently lose track of time and show up late to my classes. To correct the situation, one of the women volunteered to be my appointment secretary.
So one morning, I’m merrily enjoying the benefits of polyfidelity when someone starts pounding on the door; apparently, I’m late to yet another class. The irony of the situation is, of course, that I’m engaging in carnal activities with my selfsame appointment secretary!
Flash back to sophomore year in college. I’m living in my fraternity house. Each room in the house has a loft, and one night I’m getting it on with a new GF in the loft.
She is a freshman, and has obviously never had sex in a loft before. At one point during the lovemaking, she decides she wants to be on top. Not cognizant of the distance between the two of us and the ceiling, she hits her head. And I mean HARD!
She: (launches into a stream of swear words)
Me: “Oh shit, Oh shit. Are you okay?”
At that moment, I hear a deep belly laugh. Turns out half a dozen fraternity brothers were camped outside the door to my room, had heard the commotion, and all began to crack up. New GF decides to become ex-GF, pronto. The brothers tormented me for days, calling me “Bonk” and other such names.
A friend of a friend of mine, a Bear, told me the story of when he encountered another bear at a gay club, who happened to be Deaf. This FOAF knew the ASL alphabet, so he tried to fingerspell “WOOF” which is, like, a traditional bear greeting or something. Anyway, he fucked it up and spelled “WOOD”. The Deaf guy looked at him with a quizzical expression and signed “…Y?”
If I weren’t reading this thread in the middle of a library, I’d be busting a gut with laughter.
Allow me to add my contribution. What I may lack in “quality” of humor, I make up for in quantity. I’ve my FOUR favorite stories here, in order both chronological and increased amusement…
New BF (now husband) and I are being intimate with each other for the first time. I perform the act of oral stimuli on him. When we’re done, he’s busting a gut LAUGHING!! Now I had performed this act on others before without recieving THIS reaction, so I’m rather horrified and wondering what I did wrong. Turns out that no one has performed this stimuli on him before, much less with such enthusiasm, and this was laughter of delight. So I took it as a complement.
A few weeks later, we’re doing IT on his pulled-out sofa bed because his regular bed is only a twin size. Everything is going fine until we roll into a possition where the bed begins to fold up on us, almost “eating” us! :eek: We restored proper balance to the old sofa bed (laughing the whole time) and continued what we were doing.
BF now hubby-to-be. Bless his heart, the man LOVES to perform oral stimuli. One night, I was VERY enthused with what he was doing to the point he had to “tap out.”
“Tap out” is what wrestlers do when the need to stop the action but are unable to speak. Well, my sweetie really WASN’T able to speak at this point and in my “enthusiasm” I was crushing his skull like a walnut. So he “tapped out.”
Personal fave - I read somewhere that humming while giving oral stimuli to a male increases his pleasure. So I tried it. Unfortunately, my choice of songs wasn’t the best - I was humming “The Star Spangled Banner” to the rhythm of my head movement. He busted up laughing.
None of these stories top the fake leg or the farting, but I’ve got a bunch of them!
You could definitely have done worse for a theme song… what praiseful imagery! Just don’t stand and salute, okay?
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Oh, say! can you see by the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming…
…And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that his -er- flag was still there…
A friend of mine who is an RA at a local college once told me the funniest story. This couple on her floor were going at it one night. The guy was on the bottom, and they were getting pretty into it. His head was banging against the wall, and there was a shelf above the bed. On the shelf was a box of laundry detergent.
Well, the repeated contact between this guy’s head and the wall forced the box of detergent closer and closer to the edge of the shelf, until it finally fell off, spilling its contents into his eyes. After a moment’s confusion, he realized what had happened. This was followed immediately by agonizing pain.
With his eyes burning, the guys leaps out of his bed and follows his first instinct, namely to run to the bathroom and wash his eyes out. However, he’s smack in the middle of an all girl’s residence, and the bathroom is down the hall. Anyway, I guess he ended up running past some parents who were on a tour, with his organ at full attention. I wonder if those parents ever let their daughter go to college after that.
BT
Now I had performed this act on others before without recieving THIS reaction, so I’m rather horrified and wondering what I did wrong. Turns out that no one has performed this stimuli on him before, much less with such enthusiasm, and this was laughter of delight. So I took it as a complement.