Absolutely hilarious things to hear from your partner during lovemaking:
“There are four cracks in this ceiling.”
“Are you done yet?”
“Oh, geez, ugly AND inept.”
“Since you are one of my coworkers, this qualifies as an act of sexual harassment. My attorneys will be in touch with you within the week.”
Not that I’m bitter.
Well first off, I have to let y’all know that I registered with SDMB just to post a reply to this thread (which I have bene enjoying for days). This is a story I don’t get to tell very often!
I am very shy and self-conscious when it comes to sex, and in fact this story takes place at my first “real” sexual encounter, so you can imagine my reaction at the events you are about to hear about.
I was dating a boy from another town, and on my first visit to his apartment things heated up rather quickly. We had been out at a party and he’d been drinking a bit when he decided to give me “oral pleasure”. Like I said before, this was my first time. Things were going along fine but after a couple of minutes he had stopped. I looked down and …
He was fast asleep …
In my crotch!
Well, extracting myself without waking the drunken fool was quite a procedure. Add to this the fact that I am naked in a strange apartment with no idea where to find extra blankets in order to go sleep on the couch (there wasn’t exactly enough room on the bed the way he was sprawled out). Add to THIS my profound and extreme embarassment!
He woke up the next morning with absolutely no memory of this …
God Brunetter,
it’s a wonder you didn’t turn out dysfunctional after that.
Be gentle, this is my first post.
This isn’t as good as the leg but…
My wife and I had taken a vacation to Disney World in my Dad’s new pop-up trailer. We were camped at Ft Wilderness which is a very crowded campground right on Disney property. We left the Magic Kingdom early in the afternoon and retired to the trailer for some fun. You need to understand that a pop-up trailer pops up and out. The beds are suspended on the ends. Well we had a lot of fun and when we were finished, realized that at some point during the events, the entire trailer had tipped over so the bed end was on the ground and two of the legs (And both wheels) were sticking up in the air, and a crowd had gathered (Mostly kids) to see why this trailer had gone over like that. That was 15 years ago and we still LOAO when we remember when “The earth moved”
I’d mention this is my first post but the little counter over to the side will do that for me.
This story doesn’t compare with some of those posted but it’s the best I’ve got.
I was sharing an off-campus apartment with two other guys. Cheap rent, cheap furniture, typical student housing. Anyway, my girlfriend (now my wife) and I were enjoying ourselves when … the bed fell apart. The baseboard came loose and the mattress tilted toward the foot of the bed until the end rested on the floor.
I’m proud to say that it didn’t stop us. 
When I was in High School, the only place to have sex was, of course, my car. (Hey, it was the seventies) Anyway, we were in a park making out in my 74 Plymoth Satellite Sebring (Canary yellow with black naugahyde bench seats). We were in the middle of some pretty heavy petting when a cop tapped on my window. We hurrily straightened up and I rolled down my window. The cop smirkingly informed me that the park was closed and we were out after curfew and could I please show him some identification. As I pulled out my wallet, he shined his flashlight on my hand and said, “What’s that?”. I told him it was my wallet (Duh), and he said,“No, what’s on your hand?”. Well, earlier that day I had cut my hand at work (McDonald’s no less), and apparently it had started to bleed again (no doubt caused by my GF’s corduroy skirt). Being the quick thinker that I am, I looked at the officer in horror and said, “Oh man, officer. Can I get her home?” Looking shocked himself, he said,“Yeah, I think you better.” As I drove off, I was feeling quite pleased with myself until I looked at my girlfriend. She was definately not amused.
I can’t believe no one has made any references to “Deliverance” yet…
Okay, this isn’t nearly as amusing as many of these other stories, but it’s the best I’ve got.
Then-GF and I were going at it hot and heavy when she suddenly stops and says, “Hold on- I want to show you something.” Being somewhat new and naive to the world of libertine pleasures, I agreed without asking what. She asked me to leave her room, and she’d call me back in when she was ready.
So I cool my heels for a few minutes in the hallway, and then she says to come in. So I enter the room, and… she’s disappeared. Completely gone. Mystified, I plop down on the bed. And narrowly avert landing on my girlfriend.
Y’see, as usual, I had taken my glasses off in our previous hot n’ heavy session; and I had neglected to take them with me when I went out into the hallway. So when I came back into the room, my wonderful 20/400 vision had translated Pink Bed + Pink Sheets + Red-headed girlfriend = Pink blur, which my brain had translated into empty bed.
My GF then asked “What do you think?” Thankfully, survival insticts kicked in and I replied, “It’s wonderful.” It wasn’t until we began going at it again that I realized she had changed clothes, and was now wearing a pink teddy. It was all I could do to keep from bursting out laughing at my own foibles.
So, important lesson for women: When dealing with very near-sighted boyfriends, make sure you use contrasting colors.
Trigger, your story about your bud who is a deputy sheriff reminded me of a story from my college days. I was a dispatcher at the campus police station, and one of the officers told me he was checking the parking lot behind the ice arena one night. There was a car parked way back in the corner, and he drove up and shined the spotlight in it. The teenaged boy bounced over the back seat and was scrambling like mad for clothes. The teenaged girl stayed in the back seat, still without a stitch on. “Are you OK, miss?” he asked? “Yep”, she replied.
“There’s nothing wrong here?”, the officer asked? “Not a thing”, she said.
Figuring he’d give her one more chance if she needed it, he said “You want to be here?”. She replied with a real emphatic “Uh huh!”
He said he found her there 2-3 more times, each with a different guy. It got to the point where he’d flick the spotlight through the car, and she’d stick up a hand and give him the “OK” sign. He said she used to work at the nearby fast food joint, too, but he’d never point her out to me. Selfish jerk…
I once dated a gal who was fond of using the word “Jizzum” whenever possible during sex. As in, “Oh god, shoot your jizzum in me”. At first amusing, later horribly annoying.
One time, while being prodded to express myself a bit more vocally than I am accustomed to, at the moment of truth, I spewed forth with the only thing that would come out, which sadly sounded much like:
“I’m the rootin’ tootiest, shoot em’ firstiest, doggone worstiest varmint this side of the pecos river!” Hilarity ensued.
Okay
this isn’t a funny thing said, but a funny thing happened.
See me and my girlfriend were really into the movie THE MATRIX, we had seen about 9 times in the theater and boughtit the night it came out on video.
So a few days later, my girlfriend was going down on me ( I was kind of standing and she was kneeling on my bed) when at the moment of an intense climax for me, I shouted .“I’m gonna come”. Well for some reason GF moved my sholng out of her mouth and pointed it up at me.
All this jizz is flying at me now. And like the matrix I lean backwards (you know in the movie where he is getting shot at on the rooftop) and start dodging semen. I am doing pretty good till a bit hits my shoulder, after that I lost my balance and fell.
My GF looked at me and calmly said,“You move like one of them.”
Okay, here’s another one for the collection:
An ex of mine was out one night with the group he worked with - about 6 guys and one girl, all professional divers. The girl, we’ll call her “Pat,” was gorgeous and built, and attracted a lot of male attention. She was also a bitch, of absolutely legendary proportions.
Well, they’re in a bar and a guy starts buying Pat drinks. She made very nice to him and encouraged this behavior, thoroughly enjoying the attention and the free alcohol. This goes on for about an hour or so, when she takes the guy outside to his car. The group she is with says nothing about it, and continues on with their socializing, etc. About half an hour later, Pat comes back in, followed by the guy, who is now completely enamoured with her.
Pat returns to her seat at the table and continues her conversation with her pals. There is no where for the new guy to sit, so he is kind of hovering behind her. After a few minutes, she asks the co-worker she is talking to, “Is he still here?” The co-worker says yes.
Pat turns around with a look on her face like she is addressing dirt, and says, “YOU can GO now.” They tell me this poor guy absolutely slithered away from the table.
That phrase has become an absolute insult as a result, to anyone familiar with the story
I see that this thread has flushed five of our lurkers out of lurk mode.
Welcome Brunetter, Cynical1, Stewart, Null Racer, and RalfCoder!
Thanks for sharing your stories with us! Now, come around more often, will ya?
My boyfriend and I went out to find something to eat and ended up near his sister’s townhouse, so we decided to stop by to see if she wanted to join us. As we were walking up to her front door, we heard a “tink, tink, tink” sound repeating rhythmically. We looked in the front window and saw her being, ahem, approached doggy style by an unidentified male in front of the TV, and the “tink” sound was her head hitting the TV.
I don’t know what was funnier, seeing that or seeing my boyfriend’s reactions to catching his lil’ baby sis in the act.
Several years ago I was going down on my now-ex boyfriend. I knew I hated swallowing because of the taste, but I decided to try it since I hadn’t in a while and maybe it wasn’t so bad after all…
So I swallowed. About ten seconds later, I barfed all over his stomach. Up came his cum, plus the bacon-wrapped filet mignon and red wine that he had prepared for a romantic dinner. I was so embarassed I started to cry. He was really, really nice about it.
I thought you were my ex-boyfriend until I got to the end where you went to the hospital. Same thing happened to me except we were in a hotel room, blood pouring out of my nose, and BF running around, putting his pants on, grabbing the icebucket and yelling “My girlfriend’s nose is broken!”
We broke up about a month later. Think it has something to do with the nose being out of joint?
I thought you were my ex-boyfriend until you got to the part about the hospital. Same exact thing happened to me, blood dripping out of my nose and the BF running around the hotel room, trying to step into his pants, grabbing the icebucket and yelling “My girlfriend’s nose is broken.”
We too broke up shortly thereafter. Wonder if it has anything to do with my nose being “out of joint?”
I thought you were my ex-boyfriend until you got to the part about the hospital. Same exact thing happened to me, blood dripping out of my nose and the BF running around the hotel room, trying to step into his pants, grabbing the icebucket and yelling “My girlfriend’s nose is broken.”
We too broke up shortly thereafter. Wonder if it has anything to do with my nose being “out of joint?”
I signed up JUST for this thread…what a hoot!
Freshman year in college, me and a buddy made the golf team, and we were flown down to Orlando for our first tourney. It was at the elegant Greenleaf Golf and Tennis Resort, and we were put up for the weekend in these really nice bungalows with 2-3 rooms in each building.
Our coach told us to get a good nights sleep, cause we were the first to tee off the next morning…
Me and my friend hit the sack and turn out the lights. About five minutes later, we hear a strange noise. Neither of us say anything, trying to pinpoint the source. But as it gets louder, we realize there must be a pair of newlyweds in the next room. Our rooms are connected by an apparently thin door that doesn’t even go all the way to the floor.
Let me just say the couple was VERY VOCAL. We laid there listening for a little while, and finally my buddy said “Do you hear that??” We both busted out laughing.
However. The couple had STAMINA, people! Three AM rolled around, and they weren’t showing any signs of slowing down. When the alarm went off at five, we had yet to get ANY sleep.
When our coach knocked on the door at five thirty, he said something to the effect of “Geez guys, you look like shit. I told you to get some sleep!” The rest of the team ragged on us throughout breakfast, and then got pissed at us as we promptly went out and scored the two highest rounds of the weekend…
Thanks, Aenea! I’ve been a fan of Cecil since his first book, and been following the website for 3-4 years. I finally got hooked up into the message boards in the last few days. I gotta say, this place looks like more fun than a barrel of of Guinness!
I can’t promise I’ll be as prolific as some of y’all, but I’ll be here lurking, and will throw in 2 cents worth now & then.