I stayed late at work just to finish LMAO
WARNING: Never, NEVER, even after washing your hands, perform digital stimulation on your wife after making nachos with extra jalapeneos!!! (She eventually forgave me).
later, Tom
Some funny stuff here. Nothing to compare to some of the great ones out there but here it goes:
I was going to college and was in the downstairs of my parents house for some privacy, but we were making a point to keep quiet.
I was with an really sweet ex of mine Jen. We were fooling around in the 69 position and I
must have been doing something right. She stopped and threw her head back and was
vocal. What happened next was her head went from thrown back to thrown forward with a ‘Oh-YEAH!’
The bad part is, this exaggerated nod or semi-headbutt landed right on my old fella and
his luggage. I yelled and tried to sit up, but leverage and her position being what it was
I did a semi-sit up. Thus returning the favor to her privates with my forehead with a
loud skull-pelvis Whack
Now I’m moaning and she’s groaning and we’re both doubled over. At this point I learn how
thin the ceiling above is…as I can hear my parents right above me talking!
‘I’m going to ask them to be quiet’ – Dad
‘No-no let the kids have their fun, sounds like they are really enjoying themselves’ – Mom
Our cries of pain mix with mirth at this point as I croak out ‘You having fun Jen?’
and we both collapse in quiet laughter.
Two days later we go see a movie, don’t even remember what it was. There was this headbutt in a tense fight scene, and both of us started laughing out loud to where we had to leave the theater for a few moments.
Hope you liked my first post, I registered just for this thread!
Several years ago, while I was home from college and staying at my parents house, my brother came home with his girlfriend and (the parents being out for the evening) went straight up to his room. Now having done the same thing with a few boyfriends of mine, I hardly cared that he did it. BUT as I went upstairs to my room I distinctly heard the sound of bedsprings thumping coming from his room. I politely tried to ignore it. I sat in my own room and soon began to hear my brother moaning “Uhh…uhh…uhhh…uhhh” and then shouting “OH YEAH! I CAN FEEL THE BURNING PASSION OF YOUR LUVVVV BAYBEEE!” which might have been funny enough, but was followed by the sound of a door slamming open and my mother’s voice yelling “[my brother’s name, first and last]what in the Lord’s name are you doing?!?” (my parents had, obviously, returned home early from the movies…)
To this day, if me or any of my other brothers ever get into an argument with the brother in question, we can just end it immediately by saying: “Oh yeah? Well I can feel the burning passion of your love Baby!!” which never fails to shut him up…
Ok, I have a few lil things…
One night at about 2, I was finally getting ready for bed. As I stood in the bathroom brushing my teeth I heard a steady “THUMP THUMP THUMP” mingled with another sound, that I know was very heavy breathing. At the time I couldn’t figure it out what the hell it was, because it was SO incredibly loud that I thought it was coming from outside. About ten minutes later…I had finished brushing my teeth, washing my face etc when my BF came in and said “I can’t believe your parents are still at it. I mean come on, It’s been at least 15 mins.”
To me, I don’t know what was funnier. The fact that I didn’t know what the noice was, or the fact that my BF was actually timing them.
And this is about me…
Occasionally I go down on my BF, and he always wants me to swallow. Usually I don’t mind, but that particular night I didn’t want to. Plus I was already annoyed with him. So I did the deed, but instead of swallowing, I held it in my mouth. Then I gave him a BIG kiss…needless to say he didn’t appreciate it. But he was so disgusted with that he didn’t except me to swallow ever again.
A former lurker, I have also registered just to post to this thread. I can’t top or even match the stories, but I have some mildly amusing tales.
My husband’s family was a very different place to be a teen in than mine. For one thing, they were allowed to take their girlfriends to their bedrooms, shut the door, and do whatever, without any interruptions by their parents. My husband’s brother had been dating one girl for a while, and eventually they started doing the deed. Their routine: go to a movie, come back to the house, chat for a while, then separately leave the living room to head for his bedroom (they thought no one would know what they were up to).
So one night, when some friends of his parents were visiting, they did the usual thing. His bedroom was below the living room, and, since it was summer, all the windows were open. Eventually, noises start drifting up from below, easily heard through the open window. One of the parents’ friends starts making comments about the cat they can hear outside the window. The noises went on long enough that later my husband’s brother was told that, while he could fool around, he had to be quiet about it in the future!
Another time, we took two couples sailing for the weekend (one married couple, one lesbian couple). The two women went to bed in the other cabin first, and did the deed. My husband and the other guy were turned on in a major way, shushing us so they could try and listen. After the lesbian couple finished (and, no, we couldn’t hear them!), the other couple went to bed in the same cabin, and we went to bed in the main cabin. We had privacy to do our thing, but the other couple only had visual privacy (a curtain). The two lesbian women verbally harrassed the guy enough that he had a really difficult time finishing.
Unfortunately, most of our funniest episodes have been since we became parents; there’s nothing like the combination of fatigue and a little champagne to let the giggles take over. It also means I don’t remember the one-liners that have set us off and sometimes made it difficult to finish. Now my husband is going to wonder why I’m writing things down in the middle of sex…
Of course, I’ve just remembered a better story…
My husband and his family sailed to the South Pacific when he was nine and his brother was ten. They stayed a while in San Deigo, waiting for the right time to leave. At that time (around 1970), there was a place to anchor where now there are docks, right off the San Diego Yacht Club, and that’s where their boat was. Keep in mind that yacht clubs are often hoity-toity sorts of places…
So one day his parents decided they wanted to do the deed in the middle of the day, and Dad rowed the kids ashore. (The kids knew what was going on, but weren’t old enough to appreciate why their parents were motivated to do this.) He rowed back out to the boat and proceeded to get down to business. The kids played for a while, and then got bored. So they stood on the dock of the San Diego Yacht Club, yelling, “Mom! Dad! Are you done yet?!!!”
I deny this absolutely…
Yet another lurker driven to register in order to join in this topic…
OK, here’s the setting: it’s my first time. My GF (who was older than me, more experienced, and definitely the “aggressor” at that stage in the relationship) and I were parked in her car on a secluded road, the only private place we could find. Somehow, we managed to actually make love in the back seat of a Chevy Citation, and I was feeling on top of the world. As we’re laying there, basking in the afterglow, she says to me, “By the way, my period started this morning. You’re gonna have a pair of red jockey shorts when you get home.” Killed the romantic mood right there. At least she had the decency to wait until we were done, I guess.
What is this peculiar abhorrence of menstruation?
Many of my GFs were more receptive (horny) or responsive (much better orgasms) 'around that time of month. I’ve never been anything but grateful (and eagerly anticipating), whether for intercourse or oral.
I suspect that if you started selling pills that made women hornier but made blood ooze out their skin or even eyes, you wouldn’t be able to keep them in stock. As I’ve said before: we men are pricks, it’s in our contract.
Then again, (as I used to remind the kids) I’m trained to rip faces off (transphenoidal approach) or hold people’s hearts in my hand - and had them thank me for it. I guess society needs a certain number of weirdos like me.
I also am a lurker of long time fame, friend of several posters, and have registered simply to add to this thread. I haven’t laughed like this since the Groundhog Thread that had Norjvlal using Barry Manilow as a vermin eradicator…but I digress…thanks guys.
My story begins with meeting someone in N'Awlins during Mardi Gras, spending a wonderful evening dancing with them, and then losing them in the crowd. Heartbroken, I searched for him the rest of the week and following weekend, to no avail. He was gorgeous, and I was heartbroken and horny.
Upon returning home however, I realized that he had told me the name of the company he worked for, and I looked him up there. He lived only one state away!
I contacted him, set up a rendez-vous, and another wonderful evening was had. Happiness was mine, and as the evening wound onward, we ended up back at my place (he had agreed to travel to see me.) One drink led to another, and we were naked in bed with predictable results. Nowhere near done, but well into the act, he suddenly yelps at the top of his lungs,grabs his ass, and leaps off the bed (simultaneously losing his not unimpressive erection.) Completely shocked, I sit up to see what has happened. Standing at the foot of the bed, looking totally innocent, is my 11 month old Jack Russell Terrier.
"What happened?" I asked....but all my Romeo would say was:
"DAMN, that dog has a cold nose!"
I laughed so hard that continuing was not an option. Besides, he was so shaken by the unexpectedness of the intrusion, that he was totally put out of the mood as well.
Oh, and the dog is no longer allowed in the same room with sexual activities, no matter where they occur.OK, I got one for you.
I’d met this girl one night, she was up from another state, and was staying in a backpacker’s hotel, cheap rates and 5 beds to a room. She was staying in a room with 4 english guys.
Anyway, we went to her place, picked up a few beers to take with us… we drank the beers pretty quickly and were feeling a bit tipsy. We’d been talking to two of the english guys, who were asleep in the bottom beds (there were two bunks and a single bed) and we were on one of the top bunk. We started having sex and decided it was gonna be a bit of an all-nighter… we tried just about every position in the book, and when we were in a 69, the other two english backpackers walked into the room… the look on their face was priceless… they just turned around and walked straight back out!
But that didn’t stop us, if anything, it spurred us on. So we kept going, and the two guys outside would walk in at intervals, hoping we’d finished… in the end they realised we weren’t gonna be done for awhile, so they just walked in, and went to bed!
After about 4 hours, I decided it was time to go home… had to work the next morning! Turns out the two guys on the bottom bunks weren’t asleep either!
I tell ya what, there’s nothing like getting a round of applause after sex!
The good news is, I’m a morning person. The bad news is, I have to go to sleep at 9:30. Don’t care if I’m at the movies, at a party, driving somewhere, watching TV at home, when 9:30 comes, I must sleep.
Not everyone follows my schedule. You would be surprised how many people START a conversation at 9:45 or 10:00 or some ridiculous hour like that. Sometimes these nightowls don’t realize that I’ve already turned in, and I’ll blurt out a bunch of jibberish. I’ll do this with a very serious face and manner, which leads the other parties to crack up. As I regain my senses, I find myself the butt of enormous hilarity. Sometimes I’m glad when they tell me what I said, sometimes I’m glad when they don’t.
A former girlfriend was just starting to learn that I’m not much fun (or use) when the magic hour arrives. There was a span of about 2 weeks where I just could not stay awake past my bedtime, which put me in the constant state of apology. It must have seemed like the classic story of men after sex, except it wasn’t always after, sometimes it was instead of. Didn’t seem to matter much, because we weren’t the craziest, wildest pair. We had fun, all right, and more than regular (don’t forget, I’m a morning person).
So one night my friend decides on a subtle torture. She will not let me sleep. We’re in bed, that place for sleeping, and she keeps nudging me, asking questions, giggling. “I like this song, don’t you?” “What are your plans for tomorrow?” “Did you like dinner?” “I want to see this movie, how 'bout you?” My answers came out slower and slower. Huh? Uh, I don’t know. DIE HARD 2 might be fun (something I wouldn’t say if I truly had my senses).
All of sudden, through the growing fog, I feel her catch her breath. Her body’s a little tense, like she doesn’t know whether to burst out laughing or to run fast and far away. I had said something. I remember mumbling something, but what? She wouldn’t tell me. She started to giggle. “You can remember, think hard. Tell me what you said.”
Like trying to remember the end of a dream, it came back, too bizarre to be true. I couldn’t say it out loud, because if it was not what I said, I’d be opening a whole new can of worms. “Oh no.” “You know what you said.” I knew what I said.
“Sticks and stockings.”
She started cracking up. “Sticks and stockings!” she whispered harshly, like a mad man. “Sticks and stockings!”
Now she thought she had me. We had been talking about fantasies a few days before, and I had not brought up such a scenario. And for a very good reason – I wouldn’t put it in my Top 10, at least not in my Top 5. It certainly wasn’t on my mind, either in waking or sleeping hours. But here I was, busted, as if she had given me truth serum. The fact that I had offered so little in the way of fantasies during our previous conversation put me at a distinct disadvantage. Worst of all, I was STILL too tired to defend myself. I’m sure that, to this day, she wonders what kind of perv I am.
In my defense, I must point out that I never wanted to wear women’s undies, like two of her previous boyfriends. (Uh oh – I wonder what she tells her current boyfriend about me?)
(My first post. Hope you enjoyed.)
Welcome to the board, Archie! How’s Wanda?
Oops, I just found out that ArchieLeech is also Cary Grant’s real name. Have you meet our esteemed member CKDextHavn yet?
Some funny stuff here. Nothing to compare to some of the great ones out there but here it goes:
I was going to college and was in the downstairs of my parents house for some privacy, but we were making a point to keep quiet.
I was with an really sweet ex of mine Jen. We were fooling around in the 69 position and I
must have been doing something right. She stopped and threw her head back and was
vocal. What happened next was her head went from thrown back to thrown forward with a ‘Oh-YEAH!’
The bad part is, this exaggerated nod or semi-headbutt landed right on my old fella and
his luggage. I yelled and tried to sit up, but leverage and her position being what it was
I did a semi-sit up. Thus returning the favor to her privates with my forehead with a
loud skull-pelvis Whack
Now I’m moaning and she’s groaning and we’re both doubled over. At this point I learn how
thin the ceiling above is…as I can hear my parents right above me talking!
‘I’m going to ask them to be quiet’ – Dad
‘No-no let the kids have their fun, sounds like they are really enjoying themselves’ – Mom
Our cries of pain mix with mirth at this point as I croak out ‘You having fun Jen?’
and we both collapse in quiet laughter.
Two days later we go see a movie, don’t even remember what it was. There was this headbutt in a tense fight scene, and both of us started laughing out loud to where we had to leave the theater for a few moments.
Hope you liked my first post, I registered just for this thread!
This thread is so funny that I just had to register. Nothing beats the leg story. I laughed so hard it hurt.
One night I was staying over at my gf’s place, and her older sister was sleeping over there as well. It being a Sunday night and having classes the next morning her sister decided to retire early, forcing my gf and I to go into the bedroom (the only other room in the place really). We had to pass the time somehow, so we took the phone off the hook and one thing led to another. While she was going down on me, her sister walked into the room with her cellphone to her ear, and said the following with a perfectly straight face:
sister (to my gf): “Does this mean that you don’t want to talk to [a mutual friend]? It’s ok, I’ll take care of it. Don’t let me stop you.” She then steps back into the other room but doesn’t bother to close the door.
(to the caller): “Sorry, she’s busy giving Mike head. Can she call you back? Of course I’m serious.”
Of course, by this time both my gf and I were laughing hysterically. After that, everytime her sister stayed over at the same time I did, she would ask “shall I hold your calls?” everytime we all said goodnight.
Sorry to say, I can second that one. Only it was banana peppers in my case, while making salsa. It does not matter how many times you wash those hands, or with what, the oil from the peppers is still there. All I can say is, ouch.
Per my brother, never chop peppers and then put in your contact lenses, either. 
Back during my college days I was sharing a two bedroom second floor apartment with another couple. My GF at the time didn’t like me staying over at her place so she was a regular guest in my room.
One night we were engaged in some pretty good sex when the bed collapsed sending the box spring, mattress, and us to the floor in a crash that awoke not only my roommates, but the downstairs neighbor.
At first it was annoying, but after several days it got to be kind of funny. Then it got to be a nuisance as we’d weakened the bed enough that it would regularly collapse at any time of the night, and for no apparent reason.
I soon wound up moving (it had nothing to do with the bed) and just like before had my own bedroom in a two bedroom second floor apartment. Just a couple of weeks after arriving at my new abode, my GF and I were seriously into a late night encounter when WHAM! We broke another bed. It was deja vu. In that instant we awoke my roommate and the downstairs neighbor. Having weakened another bed frame, we soon found ourselves regular occupants of the apartment floor.
Luckily, my GF had a change of heart about me staying at her place and soon thereafter I got to leave the apartment life and moved in with her turning her trailer into our own private domain.
Well, we’d been there just a week or so and were exploring certain activity that wasn’t practical with roommates when WHAM! we broke HER bed.
After getting over the shock and being pissed off at the interruption, I looked at her and said, “Dear, we have GOT to get a stronger bed.”
I had been hanging out one summer with my little brother and his friends. One night we went to a bar and some friends of his (a brother and sister pair) whom I knew pretty well. They brought along their two older sisters, Faith and Hope. I got along great with both of them and as it was getting closer to bar close they started arguing about who was going to go home with me (that has absolutely nothing to with the story but as I am far from being a stud, nothing even remotely like that had happened to me before or since so I always like to include that part). Eventually, Hope took that position that if Faith went she was going to show up too, regardless. So Faith just gave up and went home.
I took Hope to a friend of mine’s parent’s house. They were out of town for the weekend and I had the keys.
We started out fooling around in the den which is right next to the front door and after spending some time in the kitchen and then the pool, we ended up in the basement where, when we were done, we fell asleep on some sleeping bags.
We had just woken up the next morning and were talking when I heard the screen door on the front door open. I thought, “Oh shit! My friend’s parents came home!” We sat up to get dressed when we realized we had left our clothes in the den, right next to the front door! Buck naked, I ran up the stairs taking them four steps at a time, dashed into the den and quickly scooped up as many of our clothes as I could. Just as I was exiting the den and heading for the basement stairs, I could hear the front door opening. I didn’t bother looking back but flew down to the basement.
As we were getting dressed and I was trying to figure out what I was going to say to my friend’s parents I could hear laughter coming from upstairs.
I turns out that it wasn’t my friend’s parents but Hope’s younger brother and sister who knew where we had gone and were coming to take Hope home as there was some sort of family thing that day.
Although I only saw Hope once more (she lived in another part of the country) almost ever time I see her brother and sister they remind me that they will forever remember that image of me running naked down the hall with my arms full of clothes.
This never actually happened but i’ve always been tempted to remain still and silent during lovemaking and then, just as i climax look my lover in the eye and give her a cheesey grin and a double “thumbs up”.