Funny things said during love making/intimate moments...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
141

My first college GF and I had gone to visit my folks for a long weekend. My parents being from the “old school” I got the bedroom with a double bed while my sister and GF took the twin beds in the other room.

I was sleeping late Monday morning when my GF came into the room to wake me up. She had been up for an hour or so, had already had breakfast and coffee with the family and was ready for the day.

She woke me up gently, announced that since my mom was taking my sister to school we had the house to ourselves for a little while, and began stroking me.

Well after quizzing her about when everybody left I knew we had just enough time for a quickie before anyone returned so I stood up and started to paw at her clothes. She immediately pushed me back onto the bed, dropped to her knees and started giving me a bj.

Meaning that I wanted to have intercourse, I probably said something really corny and/or stupid about wanting to have sex with her, but she had other plans. A bj was quick and easy, and to her way of thinking if anyone came back she could just quit and play miss innocent. Plus SHE didn’t have to clean up afterwards.

Well it was certainly OK with me, and in just a couple of minutes the combination “someone will be back soon”, her technique, and watching the show had brought me to the brink. As I started to climax, I arched up off of the bed and I couldn’t see her anymore.

When we finished and she turned me loose, I looked up and to my complete surprise there was goo everywhere. Apparently the first “shot” had hit her squarely in the back of the throat making it impossible for her to swallow or even continue sucking. But since we were in a new relationship she was determined to not let a little thing like gagging and suffocating get in the way of showing me her prowess she kept right on going.

The jizz and her saliva had run down both corners of her mouth, onto her clothes, the carpet, and the sheets. As soon as she started coughing, it was also on her hands, arms, and everything else within a 5 foot radius.

Thinking back, there were a LOT of things that I could or even SHOULD have said, but in trying to be funny, it came out like, “this was a great idea! Now I don’t have to take a shower”.

wrong. wrong. wrong…

142

Great Thread! I also registered for the first time just to post.

A few years ago, I met some a large group of college friends in one of their hometowns for a party. We decided to move on to another party, and I got to drive a really, really drunk guy. We’re driving through a residential area of a fairly small town, and he tells me to pull over “right away”. I pull down a dark cul-de-sac with a few houses, and park next to another car in a small parking lot. He throws open the door, leans out, and begins to puke his guts out, loudly.

He’s taking a long time, and I wasn’t particularly interested in watching him, so I made a point of looking the other way. After about 3 minutes I finally look over at him (still puking), and notice that the car next to us isn’t vacant, but a teenage couple is frantically putting on their clothes in the back seat. We must have pulled up while they were doing the Wild Thing. I’ll never forget the look on the guy’s face – it was absolute horror. I’m not sure if it was from getting caught naked by 2 strangers, or watching my friend hurl up 9 Budweisers.

143

ok

This happened to a friend. Wgen he was in high school he brought a girl home from school to have sex. His little brother (age about 12) charged a dollar a head to his friends to let them peek in the window. When the neighborhood moms found out the were pissed!! He also got crabs and his mother was even more pissed!!!

another one—

background: I live in the rural south.

A cop friend was on patrol when he saw a station waggon parked on the beach one night. He and his partner pull over to watch and see what happened. The couple in the car were backlit by a streetlight so the could see the silouettes. The couple got into the back, took their clothes off, and got into a 69 position. My redneck cop friend and his partner started to get excited thinking they were going to get a show, when all of a sudden they noticed both of the people in the station wagon had a penis. They were horrified. It was almost like they were gay for enjoying the show up to that point.

michael

144

ok

This happened to a friend. Wgen he was in high school he brought a girl home from school to have sex. His little brother (age about 12) charged a dollar a head to his friends to let them peek in the window. When the neighborhood moms found out the were pissed!! He also got crabs and his mother was even more pissed!!!

another one—

background: I live in the rural south.

A cop friend was on patrol when he saw a station waggon parked on the beach one night. He and his partner pull over to watch and see what happened. The couple in the car were backlit by a streetlight so the could see the silouettes. The couple got into the back, took their clothes off, and got into a 69 position. My redneck cop friend and his partner started to get excited thinking they were going to get a show, when all of a sudden they noticed both of the people in the station wagon had a penis. They were horrified. It was almost like they were gay for enjoying the show up to that point.

michael

145

I’ve been trying and trying and trying to think of some funny occurance, but apparently, my sex life has been pretty unamusing (wait, that doesn’t sound right). Well, except for this one time . . .

I was with my second lover, and we had gradually been getting used to each other. It was the first time we actually had total and complete privacy (no one else was home), and he got so into it that when he came, he drooled on my shoulder.

Now, how do you respond nicely to that? It’s either “euw, ick” or “bwahahahahahaha”.

146

I wish I could match the stores presented so far. What’s most amazing is that the counter for how many times the thread has been viewed is over 3500! What’s that tell you?

Many years ago my GF (we’ve been married 18+ years) and I were doin’ the nasty in my apt bedroom. I had some friends visiting me from my home town. My wife always was the vocal type, and this was no exception. She being the lucky mult-orgasmic type (or is that ME who’s lucky?!) starts yelling “I’m coming, I’m coming”! And what do I hear from outside the door from three of my supposed best friends in the world? “ME TOOO ME TOOOO!”

When I go home to my home town, one of those assholes will still bring that up!

@@@@
So… how many of you have ever heard of the Grease Man? He used to be a ‘shock jock’ radio dj. He used to have a word for getting a blowjob while taking a dump. Anyone know what that was? (yeah, I know it’s gross, but humor me, will ya?)

One more PS to this thread (or to another one about sex…). It’s called “Queefer”, “Queef” was the shortend version.

147

'Twas not an abhorrence of menstruation. 'Twas a really awkward ending to an event that held some emotional significance to me.

148

'Twas not an abhorrence of menstruation. 'Twas a really awkward ending to an event that held some emotional significance to me.

149

I was in highschool at the time and I was introduced to a friend’s cousin. He was cute and charming and I could not resist but go for a drive with him.
We ended up at his house, his parents were not home, and we went into his room and were fooling around, nothing too serious. It was starting to go a little too far and I stopped him. He slowed things down and then just stopped kissing me and looked deep into my eyes and said " I guess a blowjob is out of the question?"

150

Kenobie 85:

Sorry, I didn’t intend to single you out. Your incident was simply the most recent of several in this thread having to do with unsuspected menstruation. You actually dealt with it quite moderately, but many of the others were cursed, fled to the showers, and otherwise behaved in a manner that would make a lady feel less than appreciated.

151

Okay, I had to stop reading this thread at work, almost peed myself, and I’m sure the cube-mates were thinking I was having a breakdown of some sort…

So, story of similar sort:

Middle of the night, sleeping in my mom’s basement with a former bf, and I wake up to his hands all over me. Now, I HATE being woken for anything short of a fire, on most occasions (including the AM alarm), so this was less than a happy thought. However, he was so, well, desperate seeming, that I shrugged and rolled over on top of him. However, I also wasn’t getting anywhere, so I suggested he just go for it. Imagine my surprise when he said, “Hey, this was YOUR idea.” Apparently he was sleep-foreplaying, and only woke up in the middle of it. Brief session of two-year old “was not” “was too” ensued, followed by him waking up enough to actually take advantage of the fact that he was indeed in a nice place… ended well, and all that. (Still, the look on his face, half resentful of being awakened in the middle of the night… must have been like looking in a mirror!)

The only other incident that comes to mind is once visiting some college friends of my bf (now husband), they announced early in the AM that they were taking some laundry over to the laundromat. We took the opportunity to get it on, figuring that hey, the washer was going to be going for at LEAST 20-25 minutes, and probably longer, given the usual laundry volume. OOPS. Seems they just load the machines and GO HOME (it is across the street). So they knocked on our door because they were coming in (we were in their room), whereupon we yelped something along the lines of “Just a minute…” (think someone opening the bathroom door while you’re on the john…) We got laughed at, but at least they left the door closed until we were done.

152

Agreed. When I’m in the mood for sex, a little thing like a period isn’t enough to stop me.

It’s kind of like, “if we do this right, we’re going to need a shower anyway.” Having to change the sheets too is just a nuisance.

SouthernStyle

153

Now Hedra, if we’re going to get into discussions about the stupid things we and our SOs do in our sleep, most notably the poorly-reasearched phenomenon of Sleep Foreplay, we’re going to need a bigger bulletin board … my husband and I have COUNTLESS incidents of this event. Hardly a week goes by without incident.

Anyway, glad to hear we’re not the only ones…

154

“Hedra” – what an appropriate name to post in this thread!

155

My story is nowhere near as funny as the leg story or the pig noises story, but here goes…

This happened when I was in college. My then-gf (later wife, now ex-wife) and I were going at it in my dorm room. She tended to be a bit…er, vocal…and apparently I was doing something right that evening, because she was very loud for a long time.

We finished, and, after lying there together for a few minutes (it was a pretty small bed, so it wasn’t terribly comfortable), I got up to go to the bathroom. I put on my bathrobe, and walked out into the hallway.

In between my room and the bathroom was the hall lounge area, and there was a group of people there (men and women). They saw me walk past and immediately began to cheer, wolf whistle, and call out things like “Woo-hoo!” and “Way to go!” Several of my other hallmates, hearing this, came out of their rooms to add to the applause.

About a week later, I was telling this story to an acquaintance, who lived on the floor below mine. His jaw dropped a bit, and he said, incredulously, “That was you?!”

You have to love the paper-thin walls of college dorms. I suppose, as reputations go, it wasn’t a bad one, but it was still more than a bit embarassing, especially for my gf.

-astraeus

156

Myself and a former boyfriend were going at it with me on my back and him kneeling in front of me. Well he decided he wanted to change positions and have me flip over on to my hands and knees. I took my left leg with him still kneeling in front of me and went to flip over. When I did this I pinched the condom somehow and when I was completely turned over I let it go. All I heard was a snap as the condom went back into place and he went down screaming like a girl. Needless to say the moment was lost and I couldn’t stop laughing. It took him a while to see the humor in it.

157

hedra is just my nickname from childhood, and unique enough to not be a username duplicate ANYWHERE (so far)…

If Mothra is a giant mutated monster moth, … ? :>

Guess you could ask my dear hubby if your new interpretation applies! Or perhaps that’s best left to a thread of a different topic (since I don’t think there have been any major funny incidents).

158

My girlfriend is coming up this weekend and if I bust out laughing when we’re knockin’ boots I swear I will hunt all of you down…

159

Grendel,

That seems fair. If you must hunt us down then you obviously have a new story for us!

:wink:

160

Having two children ( one just 12 weeks out of the oven, so to speak) puts a damper on the sex life. The last few weeks of pregnancy also put a huge damper on your sex life.

My husbands been in a bit of a drought lately, so much so that his daily greeting and good night kiss to me is,
“Wanna quickie?” Gotta give him an “A” for effort and determination.

However, one day, the stars and planets and my hormones were all in alignment and I actually said to him, " Wanna quickie?" He thought he was in a dream, you guys know the kind, where your wife says yes and means it and doesn’t coyly ask you to do something off the honey-do list two minutes later. ( Oh, did I just reveal a female secret?)

Anyways, he practically trips over himself to run to the nightstand and pull out a condom, holding it like Indiana Jones and the relic he swipes in the opening seen of the first movie. " Here he is, I named him “Lucky.” "

We’re going at it and when things start to get going, the baby starts to fuss. I realize that we dawdled too long on the foreplay and, well, our alotted window of entertainment was going to be closing soon. Real soon, judging by the squall a 13 pound baby can kick up quick.

I pretty much realized I was going to have to take one for the team and let the Gipper win this won all by himself and advised him thusly. He kicks in to high gear, and so does the baby. The baby won out.

As he disengages,I look at the condom that was not put to its proper use. Never got a chance to do it’s job to its full potential and say, " I guess he didn’t live up to his name."

“That’s ok.” Hubby shoulder rolls over to the Capone Vault of condoms in his drawer and pulls out another one,“Meet Lucky’s best friend, Quick Draw.”