My wife (not the GF from my original post) has heard / read about some women saying that sex can help relieve menstrual cramps. As she gets terrible cramps some months, she tells me that, while she might appreciate the relief, she can’t imagine anyone who is having cramps having any interest in even initiating sex. So, we still haven’t tested out that theory. 
Yes, this thread has persuaded yet another to register and post for the first time.
At age 15 I was with a girl for the third time (same girl) who had her room in the basement of her moms house. After quietly knocking on her window and sneaking downstairs to her room we were on the floor instead of the bed (had to be quite because mommy was upstairs) we start the serious foreplay. With us both finally naked and her on top just about to “do it” her mom opens the bedroom door. This isn’t the all powerfull fear that might drive most to run for the their lives because (thankfully) said mommy is blind! So I hold my breath… turning blue, while lying naked on the floor as her mom says she heard something and thought someone was outside in the yard and wants her to check it out. Kinda killed the mood for the evening. So we just slept. Overslept actually. I had to walk about 10 feet in front of the mom timing the steps with my girlfriend to get me out of the house in the morning.
Possible tag line: Cecil who?
Damn! I just lost something on ebay because I didn’t
read the e-mail that I was outbid. Too busy reading
this thread.
When I was married, we decided to go see my husband’s
brother’s new house. He said he’d be in around 12:00,
and he’d leave the door open so we could wait inside.
Well, while we were waiting we decided to do it on the
new couch, then took a shower afterwards. His brother
never showed up, so we finally left.
Later, the brother called and asked why we never showed
up. Turned out we were at the wrong house. Fortunately,
the owners didn’t come home while we were there.
I also know a women whose son sliced his own eye with
a knife while cutting loose the duct tape his girlfriend
and him used during sex. They had to explain that to the
doctors in the emergency room.
Annie, the story of the wrong house bonk is absolutely priceless! Did you ever tell your brother in law this little tidbit?
Okay, this is my 2nd post… first one is elsewhere. This story isn’t as good as most of the others, but good for a chuckle.
The Characters: Myself, my roomie at the time, and our respective girlfriends.
The Setting: Halloween 1986 (somewhere around there). Roomie and I are in a Co-op, so we are sharing bedroom space. Roomies GF enjoys her adult beverages a lot, and is known to get frisky when imbibing enuff said beverages. My GF and Roomies GF are not the best of friends. Scene takes place in our bedroom.
The Action: The 4 of us had been out for a night of drinking. Roomies GF wants to go back to our place. Roomie is driving, so me and GF have no choice but to go.
We all settle down into our respective beds. My GF and I just decide to call it a nite. HOWEVER… roomie and his GF are making noises. Shifting, shuffling, moaning, groaning, etc. GF and I are, well, listening. After about 15 mins., we hear in a loud female whisper, “Get horny, dammit!”
GF and I restrain our laughter. There’s no way we’re gonna get to sleep anytime soon. So, after the noises from across the room die down, GF and I put on our own show.
GF’s favorite position was doggy, so we got that way. After a couple minutes, GF, in a VERY loud voice, says, “Dammit, you’re so horny!!!”
Me, GF and Roomie bust out laughing.
Roomie’s GF gets out of bed, says “Fuck you” to roomie and then us, then leaves the room.
Down the hall. Out into the living room.
Naked.
Where 5 other (male) housemates are watching TV.
::
::
The Aftermath: Roomie put on clothes, took her clothes out to her, GF and I finished up.
Ever after, whenever any housemates saw roomie with a girl, the immediate Q was, “You gonna get horny, dammit?”
We didn’t exactly tell him. More the three of us
figured it out at the same time, and damn near
died laughing. I’ll always wonder if the people
who lived in the house ever realized what happened.
Now, this didn’t happen to me, but to my best friend,
the late, lamented Butch. He was a copy for 25 years,
and this is the funniest thing he ever saw.
There was a couple who lived in our City “on the
Hill,” a very ritzy area where houses start in the
millon dollar range. The husband worked two jobs and
gave his wife everything.
One morning, he was going to work and got sick, so
he went back home. As he was going up the stairs, he
looked through the railing and saw another guy and
his wife in bed doing the deed. The husband creeped
downstairs, took a saw-offed rifle from the closet,
and unlocked the front door. Then he creeped back
upstairs, into the bedroom, stood up suddenly, put
the gun to the guy’s head and said “Don’t you move.”
Well, the guy and the wife were frozen. The husband
said “I’m going to call the cops and my lawyer, and
then I’m blowing your fucking heads off.” Butch
got the call and saw the whole tabloid. After the
lawyer got there, the husband took a Polaroid
camera out of the closet, took photos, and gave the
couple 15 minutes to get dress and leave the house.
The couple got divorced; the wife got nothing.
Here’s my contributions:
A former workmate was enjoying a dawn-buster with her husband. He was almost at the vinegar stroke, when there came an almighty whack across the back of his head, to which he was poleaxed. It turns out their two young sons had heard the noises coming from the parental bedroom, and had deduced that Dad was hurting Mum, so they decided that a bit of 4x2 timber would have the desired effect…
And another:
My GF (now my wife) had never given a blowjob before, and thus was initiating herself on me. Despite her inexperience, she was doing rather better than she expected, and was surprised when I shot my bolt into her mouth without warning. She looked up at me with big eyes and I asked, “Well, what did you think of that?” She replied, “I wouldn’t use it as icecream topping!” Which cracked us both up for the next 10 minutes - rolling around, breathless, sidesplitting, pee-in-your-pants laughing. I guess you had to be there. The same comment is still guaranteed to raise a giggle ten years later.
This happened to my friend Sharon [see sig] and here quasi BF Brian in her friend Marshall’s [see sig] loft. The rooms in Marshall’s frat house have lofts above the bedrooms. Both very drunk, Sharon and Brian start having sex up in the loft. I should mention that they were not very quite, and the loft creaks with every movement; in otherwords, there was no way to keep other people from finding out what was up. My then-bf [curse his name] sneaked up the stairs and his friend Scooter sneaked up to the space between the loft and the wall, both with cameras. All they see up there is ass.
They start taking pictures, with flashes ON!!
The flashes are what startle the amorous couple… Well, Sharon and Brian lose the mood instantly and lunge after my then-bf and Scooter, yelling and screaming!
When my then-bf and Scooter eventually admitted that the cameras were lacking in film… Sharon and Brian were still pissed, but everyone else thought it was hilarious!
These have GOT to be some of the funniest damn posts I’ve read in quite some time. I have a few contributions, but they won’t top any thing on here.
First off, last summer I was camping with my fiance of sorts and some of our friends. In any event, my boyfriend and I retired to our tent to “sleep”. We ended up having sex (as if you could call what he did SEX), and when we were done, he looks at me and says “Up for another round?”
I looked at him with a confused look on my face, trying to figure out if he HONESTLY said what I thought he did, and I then promptly burst out laughing. He swore up and down after that he was only kidding (suuuuuure).
Second…After I broke up with my aforementioned boyfriend, I started seeing this other really amazing guy. I was over at his place one night, and it was starting to get really later (close to 5:30 a.m.). I lived half and hour away from where he did, and I had to be home around 6:30. In any event, I was being lazy and didn’t want to go. He ended up using this threat: “If you don’t leave, I’m going to fuck your brains out”. Well, seeing as how we had only been dating for a few weeks, and had never had sex, I didn’t think he would actually do it. So I just stayed where I was, lounging on the futon. Next thing I know, he’s on top of me and before I know it, I’m getting to know him in the biblical sense. Well, he was getting really into it, and I was trying, but I kept banging my head on the metal arm rest of the futon. For some odd reason this, combined with the REASON we were having sex in the first place, made me errupt into a horrible case of the giggles. I don’t know how many of you are aware of this, but you can really fuck with some one you’re sleeping with for the first time by laughing hysterically.
I never did stop laughing all through it, but God bless him, he kept right on going…
These have GOT to be some of the funniest damn posts I’ve read in quite some time. I have a few contributions, but they won’t top any thing on here.
First off, last summer I was camping with my fiance of sorts and some of our friends. In any event, my boyfriend and I retired to our tent to “sleep”. We ended up having sex (as if you could call what he did SEX), and when we were done, he looks at me and says “Up for another round?”
I looked at him with a confused look on my face, trying to figure out if he HONESTLY said what I thought he did, and I then promptly burst out laughing. He swore up and down after that he was only kidding (suuuuuure).
Second…After I broke up with my aforementioned boyfriend, I started seeing this other really amazing guy. I was over at his place one night, and it was starting to get really later (close to 5:30 a.m.). I lived half and hour away from where he did, and I had to be home around 6:30. In any event, I was being lazy and didn’t want to go. He ended up using this threat: “If you don’t leave, I’m going to fuck your brains out”. Well, seeing as how we had only been dating for a few weeks, and had never had sex, I didn’t think he would actually do it. So I just stayed where I was, lounging on the futon. Next thing I know, he’s on top of me and before I know it, I’m getting to know him in the biblical sense. Well, he was getting really into it, and I was trying, but I kept banging my head on the metal arm rest of the futon. For some odd reason this, combined with the REASON we were having sex in the first place, made me errupt into a horrible case of the giggles. I don’t know how many of you are aware of this, but you can really fuck with some one you’re sleeping with for the first time by laughing hysterically.
I never did stop laughing all through it, but God bless him, he kept right on going…
This is now, for me, officially the funniest thread I’ve ever seen here. Too bad it can’t be nominated for Threadspotting; don’t want to get Unca Cecil banned by the Net Nannies, don’tcha know.
And wouldn’t you know, I’ve got a story too. As with others, this isn’t something that was said, and not as funny as “Is that a leg?” – but funny enough to mention.
Back in college, driving late at night with my then-girlfriend. My car is a total beater, a 12-year-old Chevette with many problems – the automatic transmission shift-lock button is broken, the back seat isn’t actually attached to the car, you can pull the center of the steering wheel off while you drive, the parking brake doesn’t work, etc. Anyway, it’s around 2am, and we park to have one of those boyfriend-girlfriend chats. We’re on a city street, facing up a very slight hill. (For those of you who know Seattle, we were parked on the street alongside the big parking garage immediately north of the Seattle Center, on Roy, the side away from the Center.)
Being college kids, madly in lust, we abandoned the chat in favor of some necking. Then our hands started wandering, and before long, we were in some serious foreplay – me leaning over from the driver’s seat, she in the passenger seat. We’re fumbling around, putting the seats back, trying to figure out the best position; neither of us has ever had sex in a car before. I move my leg over; that doesn’t work. She scoots up, I shift around; no go.
So we’re sliding around, adjusting, trying to fit ourselves together, all the while groping and necking… And then she lets out a bloodcurdling screech, and buries her fingers and fingernails in whatever parts of me she’s hanging on to at the moment.
Frantically, I look up and glance around, trying to figure out what she’s screaming about. Remember, I’m half-leaned across from the driver’s seat, sort of facing backward. So when I look around, I’m looking mostly out the back and the rear passenger window.
And lo and behold, we’re moving.
At some point, somehow, in fumbling around, one of us, probably me, had inadvertently bumped the shifter down into neutral. And now we’re rolling down the hill, backwards, picking up speed.
I probably cursed, but I don’t remember; all I know is that I reached down between my legs and punched the shifter back up into Park. (Remember, the parking brake doesn’t work.) Immediately, horrible noises from up front: G-G-CRUNK, followed by the SQUEEE of the tires.
Pause, as we re-evaluate.
Lucky for us, at 2am, there aren’t a lot of cars parked along the sidewalk, so instead of crashing back into the car behind us, there was enough room that we had angled back out into the street. And again, lucky for us, there wasn’t any other traffic. All told, we probably went back maybe three-quarters of a block before she noticed; another few seconds and we would have gone all the way across the street and bashed into the cars parked on the opposite side. But we’re fine, now: Half-naked, in the middle of a city street, hyperventilating, not sure if the transmission is destroyed. But, otherwise, fine.
Do I need to say that we didn’t finish what we were doing? No, we got dressed, I started the car (incredibly, no apparent damage), and I dropped her at her apartment. We went out for a while after that, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.
And, incidentally, partly as a result of this traumatic incident (oh, sure, it’s funny NOW), I’ve never attempted to have sex in a car again.
P.S. If you hadn’t noticed, the view count on this thread is well over 10,000. And the OP was worried this was going to be a popular topic…
Actually, Cerevaise, this thread was the “Threadspotting” thread for about a week. 
Actually, Cerevaise, this thread was the “Threadspotting” thread for about a week.
Okay, i’m stupid and so is my computer… sorry for the repeat of my post. It’s not like i’m trying to drive my point home by repeating it… my brain has simply switched off for the summer. 
An ex of mine (now my best friend) had a particularly intense incident of making love in our sleep where we were BOTH out of it, both waking up well into the act. We still shake our heads at it to this day…
Which reminds me of another story involving her: about a year after we broke up we had a party at her place. A girl I’d met before and who’d shown a mutual interest in picked up the flirting where we’d previously left off. Cutting a long story short the two of us ended up alone sleeping on the floor of the living room. Of course one thing led to another and after some prolonged fooling around we end up making love. Halfway through this (bear in mind it’s now about 4am) my ex groggily wanders through the living room. We freeze but the ex doesn’t even pause in her amble to the kitchen. She then reappears with her eyes barely open, and with me frozen inside this girl on the floor, plops down on the couch, turns the TV on, surfs through four or five channels, mutters “damn morning programming” and wanders back to bed.
To this day she doesn’t remember doing it.
Listen to this tale
When I was 14, my 14th birthday to be precise, I managed to seduce (or be seduced by) the school captain, she was 17 years old. Me, a 14 year old walking spermlet was quite excited by this and to set the scene it was my family’s lounge room by the fire place.
My father was on a ten day business trip and unfortunately for me/us he came home 5 days early. He walked in and looked down at Katherine and myself before heading into the kitchen only to come out with the hugest turkey leg I have ever seen.
Looking down at us again, he ganwed a huuuuuuuge bite of the white meat and said:
before walking off to the bedroom leaving Katherine and I laying there (still technically in the act but not moving an iota.)
That was regrettably the last time I got to bed Katherine.
http://www.luke-for-god.itgo.com
change is coming
is that a leg?- the new story around work… hehehe
Ok, so I went on a road trip to go see this guy, we’ll call him Jason, and he is a 26 year-old virgin.(Not that there is anything wrong with that) His friend offered to pay me to give this boy a little action, I declined(of course). Well after a fun night of playing at the arcade and drinking in a hole in the wall bar, I was rather intoxicated and decided that I was gonna put the moves on Jason. Well I’ll have to give it to him, he tried so hard to pretend to know what he was doing, but it was obvious that he was 100% rookie.
That was fine with me, because it was another rush all in it’s own to be the one to show Jason what he has been missing out on. Making out went a little further to roaming hands and the such. My hand slid down the front of his pants, and as soon as I touched his penis BAMMMMMM he went. I felt like I was in the sequil to American Pie, I dismissed this as just inexperience, and removed my hand and continued to other things. Later(obviously enjoying the first TOUCH) he nudges my hand back down towards that area… I started to un buckle his pants and started kissing on his stomach and barely grazed my hand accross his penis… again BAMMM he went again. Frustrated, the evening soon ended.
The next morning, Jason was rearing to go. This time I knew that it was going to get farther than it did the night before. I attributed the problems to the amount of alchol in our systems, etc… So back to the stomach kissing, he was begging(practically) so I went on down. Immediately it happened again. Now, most guys would apologize or make up some excuse. But not Jason, he laid there acting to be exhausted and sighed, ‘thank you.’ He didn’t think that his behavior was out of the ordinary.
HELLO, THAT IS NOT THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!
It isn’t? Oh my lord. I just realised how sweet my girlfriend really is
It looks just like a penis, only smaller!
Is it in yet?
So I’m a little late in discovering this thread. I read the whole 4 pages and LMAO, most notably at the Matrix post. Yeah, the leg and the fart posts were kind of funny as well. Anyhow.
My fiancee’ and I (now married) were going at it one day. She had the remnants of a cold, and still was coughing periodically. We had decided, to heck with it, she felt better, and I felt fine, so we began in earnest. I’m on top. So a few minutes go by, we’re getting really worked up, and all of a sudden, she coughs.
I yelled something to the effect of, “Aaahhh!” and pulled out. I can just imagine the look on my face and see my jaw drop and my eyes pop out. She took one look at me and burst out laughing, and I joined in, for at least a good five minutes. Needless to say, it killed the mood. When we had reasonably collected ourselves, she asked me what was so startling. I told her: When she coughed, something must have contracted in her rather wierdly, and it felt like my particular appendage had been bent into an “S” shape while fully erect. This sent us into gales of laughter, and to this day, I’ll sometimes ask her if she feels the need to cough at all before we initiate anything.
