Funny things said during love making/intimate moments...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
181

So I’m a little late in discovering this thread. I read the whole 4 pages and LMAO, most notably at the Matrix post. Yeah, the leg and the fart posts were kind of funny as well. Anyhow.

My fiancee’ and I (now married) were going at it one day. She had the remnants of a cold, and still was coughing periodically. We had decided, to heck with it, she felt better, and I felt fine, so we began in earnest. I’m on top. So a few minutes go by, we’re getting really worked up, and all of a sudden, she coughs.

I yelled something to the effect of, “Aaahhh!” and pulled out. I can just imagine the look on my face and see my jaw drop and my eyes pop out. She took one look at me and burst out laughing, and I joined in, for at least a good five minutes. Needless to say, it killed the mood. When we had reasonably collected ourselves, she asked me what was so startling. I told her: When she coughed, something must have contracted in her rather wierdly, and it felt like my particular appendage had been bent into an “S” shape while fully erect. This sent us into gales of laughter, and to this day, I’ll sometimes ask her if she feels the need to cough at all before we initiate anything.
:slight_smile:

182

A friend’s flatmate had picked up and he heard heard the following through the walls whilst in the loungeroom.

muffled sounds of lovemaking, then:

slap
F: “hey, don’t slap me on the arse!”
M: “ShaaAADUUUUPPPPP!!!”
SLAP

He swears the second slap echoed

183

May I say, in all honesty…BWAHHAHAHAHA!!!

SB

184

This didn’t happen to me, but rather was observed by a friend of my husband.

As the friend and his group were leaving a certain nightclub, they noticed a group of people standing around in the back of the parking lot. They went over to investigate and found a very drunk girl performing orally on a guy who was leaning up against a car, pants around his knees, and a whole audience of people watching. The guy obviously thought the whole thing was great, but the girl probably would have been extremely embarrassed if she were not so horribly drunk.

Just as the guy was about to get off, the girl (remember, she was very drunk) gagged and puked rather voluminously – into the guy’s shorts.

Poetic justice indeed.

185

I hope she finished what she started.

(Tell me I didn’t just say that. PLEASE tell me I didn’t just say that!!! oh, well…)
SouthernStyle

186

As long as we are on the subject . . .

The summer between junior and senior year of college, a friend of mine suggested that he, I and our GFs go camping, just to get out of town over the weekend. So, we got everyone together, packed, rented a few canoes, and went around Saranac Lake in upstate NY. We spent the day paddling from shore to shore, and finally settled on this one spot on this speck of an island.

After dark, we had a campfire going, and everything was cool. My friend and his GF announced that they were “going for a little paddle under the stars”. So, he and she head out, and leave me and mine by the fire.

While me and mine are just getting into a little necking, we hear this grunting, a short howl, and then this loud splash. We stopped, and heard more splashing folloed by a non-stop cursing. When the two got back, both were soaked, she was half-naked, and he was totally nekkid.

Apparently, she was on top, and went a little higher than the center of gravity could handle :slight_smile:

187

I have a friend who has a great sense of humor. Unfortunately his GF’s wasn’t quite so good. They were having sex, right in the middle of the big crescendo and she was really getting into it, when my friend stopped, looked her right in the face and said, in a conversational tone “So, how 'bout those Mets?” She just laid there in shock for a few moments before jumping up and beating him to a pulp. That was the last time he got any from her. But as he said “I thought of it, and I just had to try it. I can get another Girlfriend, but how many memories do you get like that?”

188

Well this is the one I tell all my friends:
My Fiance and I are ‘adventurous’. I had tied him up spread eagle and blindfolded him. I bought these Herseys chocolate mint sticks and decided to melt them onto his skin. He of course had no idea what was going on. As I lit the stick the mint center caught on fire and was flaming. Then the top 1/2 inch of the stick melted off the top, still flaming, onto my baby’s chest. he was screaming and writhing about tightening his restraits. I tried to brus the flaming chocolate off him but it caught onto his stomach. By the time I finally got the flame out he was screaming and I couldn’t untie him. I pulled off his blindfold and told him it was alright and then spent the next five minutes trying to untie th bonds that were cutting off all circulation to his hands.

He has two scars on his chest and stomach that he calls love wounds. all my friends make him lift his shirt and show his scars.

Oh, by the way, I got some about a half hour later anyway…
:wink:

189

Well, i guess it’s better than referring to them as some strange form of post-medieval torture. Funny story though.

190

Hi tubagirl,

It’s no wonder he’s demanding abstinence these last 6 weeks.

He just wants to be healthy enough to get to the honeymoon!
SouthernStyle

191

Friend in college told me she did this.

She - I’ll call her “Lilly” - had a kinky male friend. He wanted to do some S&M stuff with her and she wanted none of it. Finally, she found a way for him to shut up about it…

They were in his room and he insisted that she tie him to the bed, naked and spread eagle. She did this AND blindfolded him. Then she left the house…

He didn’t get untied until his mother came home. MY, what a sight that must’ve been! He never pressed Lilly for kinky stuff ever again.

Patty

192

This sure isn’t as funny as the pig story or the leg, but it was funny at the time.

In college, I had a reputation as being quite a swordsman (mostly undeserved, I must admit), and my GF was well aware of it. We were going at it pretty hot and heavy one night, and just as I as approaching The Moment Of Truth, she whispered in my ear, “BTW…my name’s Kathy…”

And no, I hadn’t blurted out the wrong name…

193

Back in my heady high school days, my GF and my best friend from childhood were washing our cars one fine sunny Saturday.

My folks were out of town, and GF and I were engaged in some friendly rounds of grab-ass while washing the autos.

Deciding that it would be a good idea to take GF inside and take things a bit further, I charged my friend to keep an eye out incase my folks decided to make that the moment they came home.

GF and I decided that my parents king sized bed would be much better than my twin bed for the aerobic activities about to take place.

Things were progressing nicely. However, about mid-stroke, I heard the door open and my friend say loudly, “Oh, Mr. R-----, H----- is feeling pretty sick and is laying down.”

Panic ensued. I grabbed GF’s clothes, and pushed her accross the hall in my room. I pulled on my underwear and launched myself into my parents bed, and pulled the covers up tight.

Folks showed up at the door to their room to check on me. Lawrence Olivier would have been proud with the lines of bullshit that proceeded out of my mouth.

While my parents were distraced, GF snuck out behind them and sat in the living room with my friend as I continued to lie my ass off.

Later when we were out of my parents earshot, GF was laughing and saying that while in the midst of my explanation to my parents, my Friend turned to her and said, “He’s a daaamn good liar” in sincere admiration.

I thought I was in the clear, until later that evening when dad strolled in my room with my hastlily discarded condom wrapped in a paper towel. He never said a word, but gave me that “You lying little shit” look. To his credit, he never told mom.

Hey, not as funny as the fake leg story, but it happened.

194

Just to reiterate a point somewhat already discussed:
Manual stimulation of one’s GF after eating crabs seasoned with Old Bay…baaaaaaddd idea. Reaaaaalll baaaaddd idea. And this is with a good thorough hand washing and a few hours in between.

195

WOW… that and you wanted to sleep with (but, alright, just made out with for 15 minutes) someone BESIDES him just weeks before your wedding. What a fucking lucky guy!

196

“What the HELL is THAT?”

Twice. Same loud, incredulous tone folowed by the same delighted laughter. The first time when I was taught to give a blow job. Yes, I was that young. The second time when I first had sex, I was referring to the unexpected feeling. I was still that young.

I may still be that young, but I think I have done enough not to be caught off guard anymore.

197

I have no idea how I missed reading this thread earlier, but if anyone is still reading I will throw a story of my own in.

I was in the Army, stationed at Ft. Hood, TX. I had meet this girl at my friends wedding and she had come out to TX to see her friends and me.

We had gone out for the night and where feeling a bit horny, but didn’t want to get a hotel room. Problem was we couldn’t go back to our mutual friends house (her little brother came with her to visit) and I lived in the barracks and she wouldn’t go there either. So we end up in the manuveur area of Ft. Hood trying to find a nice secluded spot.

Eventually we end up on the west side of the post, near Anderson Mt if you know Hood. There we promply get it on, rocking and steaming up the windows in her mini-van. I would also point out that she was fairly vocal, and it’s July in TX.

After we finish, it’s like a steam bath in the van. Thinking that some fresh air would feel good on naked flesh I opened up the sliding door of the van and stood there getting dressed, meanwhile (there only being enough room for one to comfortly get dressed) she reclined on the bench seat in “full glory.”

As I finish pulling up my pants I suddenly hear a muffled “Schuhhhh” sound - the sound of a radio breaking squelch - and a voice “Alpha-two-zulu, they what? send again.” At this point I realize we are not alone. I quickly slam the door shut and jump into the drivers seat and take off; with female friend in back going into hysterics as she tries to get dressed and asking what was happening. Afterwards she dropped me off at my barracks and I never got that close to her again.

Epilogue, a week later I was talking to a friend from 1/7 Cav, and he has this fantastic story that was being spread around the battalion. Seems last week the 1/7 scouts where out on a field problem and came across a civilian mini-van, in the manuveur area near Anderson, with steamed up windows and rocking like crazy. They also got some great views when the guy opened up the doors. Apparently they had enjoyed the show and thought highly of the guy who had livened up their otherwise dull evening. I never did have the courage to claim it.

198

My first GF and I were invited to go skiing by another couple. To reduce the expense the other couple hired a small on-site van in the nearest town to Mt Buller. The van was one that has one double bed at one end, and at the other end the dining table converts to a double bed by lowering the table top down to the level of the seats. As the other couple had invited us, they got the decent bed. GF and I being young and still living at home with parents, the opportunities to have a bit of slap and tickle were few and far apart. After retiring the night we start making love, being extremely careful not to make any noise or too much movement. However at the critical moment the ancient old caravan rebelled and lurched a bit. The kitchen table/bed collapsed, dumping us both unceremoniously on the floor. Gales of laughter from the other end. It is just impossible to make love in a caravan undetected and the other pair had been stiffling their giggles for some time. The collapse was the last straw.

Two more true stories I’ve just thought of coming up later…

199

Is it just me, or did this thread lose weight? I could have sworn it was much longer than this at one point.

200

A few years back, a guy I was working with during a clinical Placement at the local Ambulance, came to work one morning after his wife got back from overseas with a very stiff neck! on enquiry, it turned out that he’d decided to welcome her home by standing on his head against the wall, naked with a nice big woody! Turns out that he ended up standing up against the wall for a bit longer than his neck liked as his wife took her time getting inside! Needless to say, all he could do at work was drive!

And the second one happened to one of the guys whom I am currently living with!

he was down in the city visiting his GF, and being a very athletic guy, is rather proud of the pace he can achieve…as does his GF take great pleasure in informing us! Anyway…one weekend he was visiting her at her parents place, and decided that he’d stay the night. The next morning, after stumbling out a little later than they anticipated, her mother was standing in the kitchen with the local plumber. Turns out that the bed had been knocking against the wall and her father thought it was the pipes knocking again! They both cracked up, but to this day, still haven’t told them or offered to pay the $80 call-out fee for the plumber on a Sunday morning!