Funny things said during love making/intimate moments...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
201

I already had three mildy embarassing or funny sexual experiences ready to post about when I got to the one where the drunk girl puked into the pants of the guy she was going down on, which reminded me of one of the funniest things to happen in my presence that I cannot remember.

I was 19 and my best friend, his girlfriend, and I went ‘camping’. Camping in quotes because we had no camping equipment, just a few blankets and a case of Magnums (16 oz. malt liquor). We get totally blitzed (I do recall seeing gremlins in the bushes as well as falling down while trying to take a leak and pissing all over myself). I passed out next to the campfire, and my friend and his g.f. start fooling around. She goes down on him, and for modesty’s sake (in case I miraculously woke up) he sits with his back to me. Suddenly his girlfriend grunts, gags, and vomits in his lap. Turns out she saw me roll over in my sleep into the fire, which lead to my hair catching on fire. Good friend that he was, he stumbled over to roll me out of the fire and stomp my hair out.

The next morning he didn’t even tell me about it until we got back to his apartment and I attempted to comb my hair - huge chunks of hair and flakes of skin fell out. He loved telling that story.

Now to the lesser things I was going to mention. They fit pretty well in the category of things already mentioned in this thread.

  1. I met this girl and we had a conversation about bad things to hear someone say in bed. I mentioned ‘Is it in yet?’ A couple of days later we are having sex for the first time, and she decides it would be funny to say ‘Is it in yet?’. I immediately replied (and this is unusual for me, I usually come up with snappy comebacks about 10 minutes too late) ‘I can’t tell, is it?’ I was joking too, but she was highly offended!

  2. There was a girl I had been wanting for a couple of months. Finally I get her in the sack, and she turns out to be a talker. This was the first time I have encountered this particular type of lover. I cringed inwardly when she said things like ‘I wanna come all over your cock’ but I was able to keep going. Then she said something, I cannot recall the exact wording (I probably blocked it) but it involved ‘tube steak’ and ‘creamy filling’. This was simultaneously disgusting, funny, and embarassing. I managed to prevent myself from laughing, but apparently I paused and made a face and she thought I had come, she was surprised when I resumed.

  3. This is not funny so much as embarassing. I was going down on a girl and simultaneously had a couple of fingers up her. I was really giving her the business and was really into it. I noticed she tasted slightly tangy, but she was only the 5th girl I had gone down on and I had noticed that different women tasted different, it didn’t taste particularly bad so I just blew it off…until I pulled my fingers out and looked down. They were covered with blood. For a couple of seconds I thought maybe I had scratched her with a fingernail (fresh blood would not have bothered me much at all) but I quickly realized that it was a lot more blood than could come from a scratch. She started her period while I was going down on her. I didn’t puke or freak out exactly, I just calmly said ‘Um, I think Aunt Flo is in town’ and went to the bathroom. I rinsed my mouth out repeatedly but my tongue still looked bloody to me. She was terribly embarassed, it took a lot of consoling to get her to remove her face from the pillow.

202

and then there was my brother…pissed at a party after only 17 beers, with some blonde chicky he’d been hanging with! decided that he’d give her a bit of pleasure in the back of a mates baby 4WD…until his mates decided that she really wasn’t wet enuf, and decided to give him a hand…with a 20 litre bucket of water!! needless to say, after just a little bit of alcohol, his senses were dulled enough to not even notice! :slight_smile:

as if that wasn’t bad enough, when he finally got out of the car, his mates, who really didn’t like this blonde wench anyway…decided that she really was a silly bitch, and needed a “bit more piss”…literally!! urinating in a jug and throwing it over here! Don’t know what the car smelt like the next day…don’t think I want to either!!

203

I had to laugh in the middle of sex when I was called “a love machine”. I was feeling punky and doing my regular by rote at the time. At first I thought it was a complaint, but then realized it was just a misguided effort to spur me on. I tried not to show that I noticed it, but we both ended up laughing.

204

I can’t believe I’m posting to this thread. I must really love you guys.

#1 Many moons ago I was in the middle of an on again/off again relationship with a man that lived far away. We had decided to reconcile after a few months of being apart, and just in time for New Year’s Eve (a coincidence, I’m sure). So, fast forward to many hours into this party that some friends of mine are throwing. It’s held in a HUGE loft with many HUGE rooms, so all the guests are fairly spread out. This young gentleman and I are spooning on a couch trying to get sober enough to start drinking again. The only two other people in the room are another couple on another couch across the room, and they’re passed out. Now I, of course, am wearing something short and slinky, and before too long I start to feel the “nudge” of impending escapades against my bottom. Thinking this is a grand idea, I voice my willingness. After a little unzipping and wriggling, trying to be (drunkenly) subtle all the while, we’re as actively engaged in coitus as two spooning, trying-not-to-move-in-fear-of-someone-walking-in people can be. Long story short, passion overrode demurity quick-like, and soon we’re…well, we’re OBVIOUSLY having sex. We’re both to drunk to take this to a logical conclusion, but both having a grand time, nonetheless. After what seems like an eternity, we hear a voice coming from the other couch. “Are you guys just about finished? Decent people are trying to SLEEP over here!” GAH!!! Note to self: Just because they LOOK like they’re passed out, doesn’t mean they ARE passed out.

#2 The last man I engaged in sex with was not so hot with the post-coital banter. After the second time we’d had sex he rolled over and said something to the effect of “Bleah.” Picture me jumping off the bed, grabbing him by his ears and yelling, “Bleah? Did you just say, ‘Bleah??!!’” He made a plausible excuse about his bad day and general weariness, but I took it as a sign. Gave it a few more tries, but he never really got the hang of either saying nice things or keeping his mouth shut. I don’t know if he didn’t like me, didn’t like sex, or what, but I was done soon after that.

205

About 20 years ago at a wild party, this girl and I were engaging in heavy petting on the lawn outside the residence. We were in the shadows, but her brother (a good friend of mine) and another guy come out to talk or smoke a joint or do something they couldn’t do inside. We rolled behind a car while we were half-naked and lay there until they went inside.

This didn’t happen during sex, but it is still pretty funny. I once made a hand-made valentine for the love of my life. I folded a piece of construction paper, decorated the front and back with hearts and cupids (which did look more like cockroaches – I am not much of an artist). I copied a poem of Byron’s (the one that begins “She walks in beauty like the night”) on one inside page and one of my own poems on the other. After I handed it to the woman, she looks at it for a while, smiles, looks at me and says: “You can sure color fine.”

206

Many years ago, I was living abroad. I met this little chicky…we were both really drunk. We ended up walking to the park nearby where my friends and I always took the women, and we started going at it.

After about half an hour, a group of about 7 or 8 people walked by, applauding. They sat down on a nearby rock, watching us for awhile, and after ten minutes or so, walked back. It was a group of our friends.
(bear in mind, I hadn’t gotten laid in ten months, and all my friends knew this)

Bare-assed to the world (and yes, still humping like mad bunnies), I shook hands all around and invited them to sit down.

Later that evening, in an alleyway with her and a couple of our friends (who had also hooked up), she stood up in front of me while I was sitting on the ground. I grabbed her behind, shoved my face into her crotch and yelled “CHRIST! It smells like JERSEY!” She was from Canada. Didn’t get the reference. My buddy, who was from New York, laughed until he puked.

OK, so I was young and obnoxious. Sue me.

not a funny thing said, but a funny thing did
Much more recently, I was on a road trip with my (then) fiancée, at night. She was…pleasuring me while I drove. As a vanload of kids drove past us, I turned on the interior light so they could see.

Okay, so I was older and still obnoxious. Sue me. :smiley:

207

Well I’ve been reading these posts and they are some of the best stories I’ve heard in a long time. I hope this thread continues.

One of my more unusual experiences happened when I was a senior in high school. We were on our senior trip to South Padre Island, TX and my girlfriend happened to be in the same class as I.

Our class had a large hotel/condo that was many stories high facing the ocean. The room my girlfriend and two of her friends stayed in was about 15 stories above the ground and there were two buildings on both sides of our main building facing each other (the hotel was made of 3 buildings, shaped like a “U”).

Late one night my girlfriend and I snuck out on her balconey for a little loving. We had a beach towel over me (who was on top) for a little privacy. As we’re going at it, I hear snickering and I look up to the large patio glass doors and there are her roomates taking pictures of my naked butt pumping away (the towel had slid off by then). That was funny #1.

Being young and horny I don’t care and continue on. Later after we finish we’re both lying there enjoying the ocean and the cool breeze without a care in the world. I reach down and remove the condom and not knowing were to put it, I stupidly flung it off the balcony (I know, I know, disgusting). As we’re watching the ocean, what do we see but my wind inflated condom floating up on an updraft right in front of us like a little ghost! As we follow it’s trajectory with our eyes, we see it land on a balconey 3 stories above hers!!

Now that’s something that the people in that hotel room are going to find hard to explain. :eek:

Now that I think about it, that may be more gross than funny. Oh well, had to be there.

208

Ok, this is more of an embaressing story but im sure it is slightly funny at least to other people.

The house was empty and me and my then GF were having sex doggy style in her bedroom.(this was a long time ago, we were both 18) Just before I was about to climax, for some insane reason I shouted the corny, cliched line “Who’s you’re daddy” several times. Right at the moment, guess who walked in. Her dad (who was my super at work at the time). He calmly and seriously walked in, gave me a slight look like “what, you think I didnt KNOW about this” picked up the TV remote from the other side of the room and calmly walked back out. He never mentioned the incident to me or my GF but the next day, everyone at work kept saying “Who’s you’re daddy” to me and laughing hysterically. To this day (around 5 years later) not one company party goes by without a mention of “Who’s you’re daddy”.

  • Side Note: Her dad was a good guy though, any time me and her were going at it and her mom came home (who is a very, very devout Catholic) he would come upstairs to her room, knock on the door and say “the Wicked Witch is home”.
    -Fox
    foxfyre: as cunning as his handle. I don’t dare turn my back on him, lest I find an embarrassing note taped to my shirt. I can trust him as far as I can see him. -Busta Rib

Thankz. Hey is that an insult?!?!?!? -FoxFyre

209

foxfyre you just sent me to rolling on the floor laughing… LITERALLY!!! I fell of my swivel chair and lay on the ground!

I could have sworn I already posted in here but I seem to be wrong, so here we go:

After 1 month I meet the bloke I like again. 4 hours later we end up making out in his room (both 17 - me on holidays so no rents who want me home before dawn) and I (virgin at that point) wonder how I could get the subject of sex up.
So here is what I saied…

I just thought about that song… “Would you like to go to bed with me.” He looks confused. “Well would you?” I asked.

He didnt laugh. He is a nice person :wink:

dodgy

210

As I was moving my fiance (then Wife, now Ex) from San Diego to Buffalo in February (I never said she was bright), we were having premarital relations in the hotel room, standard missionary at the moment. Her English Bulldog, sensing himself not at the center of attention, jumped up on the bed and stuck his nose and slobbery jowls right in my arse as it was in a backswing. I hadn’t heard or felt his arrival on the bed, and the whoop that erupted from my mouth shocked ME. Scared the hell out of her and the dog.

211

My wonderful boyfriend layed on top of my, looked at me, smiled sheepishly and said, “my ass crack is sweaty.” i laughed for a long time.

212

I’m just bumping this because I needed a laugh and wanted to be able to find it again.

213

I was at a casual acquaintance’s apartment, which he shared with a friend of his, and we’re in his room watching Girl, Interrupted, and we’re fooling around. After a few minutes, he’s on top of me and I’m enjoying the fun, when, over my moans, I hear the movie get to the scene in the ice cream parlor and the girls start screaming “PEPPERMINT DICK!!!” repeatedly as he’s giving me everything he’s got. I tried so hard not to laugh at that, but it got even worse when his roommate and his really loud friends from New York come into the apartment and start watching a basketball game in the next room and start yelling at the tv. It’s insanely hillarious to hear some of the comments and apply them to bedroom technique. Thank god I’m really good at pretending that I’m not going to laugh and that I’m not distracted. Hmmmmm, well, that’s the end of my little story about the minute man’s peppermint dick episode. Arrgh.

214

[sub] Can’t believe I’m admitting this…[/sub]

I’m a loud girl.

Apparently my sex noises are pretty standard ** until ** I come. Then…well let me tell the story.

Second man I ever slept with. The first to go down on me.

He’s licking me,using his hands and I start coming. Hard.

The noises I make actually startle him enough that he moves away from me to see if I’m ok. He said I sounded like a “tiger in a bear trap”. He thought he had hurt me.

He still to this day calls me “Miss Kitty.” :slight_smile:

215

I was about 16, and it was…oh…about my 3rd time ever doing it.

I was on top…looking lovingly into her eyes. I was thinking about something I could say to make her feel really nice…I thought and thought…

Ahh! Got it!

"Oh man! I can’t believe people pay for this."

Erk!!! It took me a few seconds to realise just how that sounded.

I was trying to tell her that I felt so lucky that she was letting me make love to her…not like ‘the loosers’ who have to pay a hooker to get it.

Luckly, she was only 16 too and not to swift…she didn’t catch on.

216

My wife reminded me recently that just before our first time I said ‘Get ready for the worst 5 minutes of your life.’

217

I dare not rate any of these, I’m in tears here, and was at like 4:40am when I first found this thread. Oh god, nothing like the surge of laughter. Okay, here goes.

I was with my first girlfriend. First kiss, first anything, first everything. Very sweet, took our time- like a year or more, etc. We are laying in the field of the parochial school, making out. It’s about 3:30 pm, broad daylight but school was out and so what the heck right? She and I are pretty enamored of each other, and she unzips me and begins to send my cerebral cortex to the heavens with her mouth.

As the moment loving referred to as la petit morte approaches, I ( as is apparently the case with so many of us here ) temporarily lose my mind. I tip my head back so I am actually looking above and behind me. At this point, I’ve had the discretion to lay my jacket over her head and torso, so neither of us are so obviously exposed.

Just as I am orgasming, I see a Nun standing in a second floor window, gazing down at us aghast. It was the single most horrifying climax I’ve ever experienced. She kept her eyes locked on me too. Oh man, the embarassment. I never TOLD the girlfriend ! <grin>.

Okay, the other one that seems to fit here? It’s Prom Night, High School. The girlfriend and I go to said Prom, then hike off to find a comfy place to doze and make love for the evening. Her parents owned TWO 1974 Delta Royale 88 convertibles. The back seats were bigger than many Volkswagens. A lovely vehicle :smiley:

We go to a place that’s familiar to me from LAST year’s prom, when a girl a year older took me as her date. We went to Valley Forge National Park. There’s a way in that’s not chained. We drive right up along the top ridge, to the edge of the grassy battlements. Lovely high view, overlooking the main fields. Park the car.

We begin to do some delicious necking, and eventually my tuxedo pants are half off, and her prom dress is fairly askew. Still, nothing major is happening yet- we’ve got all night, and don’t need to rush things.

All of a sudden, headlights blaze at the back of the car. A Park Ranger had driven up with his lights off, then popped them on. He DID have the good graces to wait a few minutes. I desperately got my pants zipped and my shirt mostly back on. I got out of the car, to save her the embarassment of having a Ranger stare in at her in her state of dishabille.

He said, " So…what are you all doing?" I said that we were just necking. His response still parylizes me with glee, even at the time I smiled through my terror. He said,

With that, he kindly drove away.

Another one, although it isn’t a sex related story strictly speaking was when I finally got up the nerve to TRY to keep up with a girl when drinking. ( I’m no drinker. Ask the NYC Dopers who met me. I drank tonic water all night ). I meet this girl, and she wanted to come into the city with me to watch me work on a fellow student’s film. After that, we went down to the Village Corner in Greenwich Village, and started drinking. And having some dinner. And drinking. We killed 7 pitchers- small ones, but still… I was amazed I never got sick.

We get back on the subway to go home, and at the first stop in Queens, she leaps of the train at the station. I got off too, confused. ( Wasn’t our stop ). She looks drunk but frantic. She bolted down to the end of the platform, past a huge wooden storage case. Squatted down and disappeared. Apparently she wouldn’t have made it home :wink: Thank god nobody was on the platform at like 1:30 am that night. She probably wouldn’t have stopped.

:slight_smile:

Cartooniverse

218

One night, when I was with my frist GF, and the first girl I was ever with, she grabbed the back of my head, looked me in the eye, and said, “Squirt in me like a big stallion.” I laughed so hard I lost my erection. My current SO, Supergirlfriend, is a girl with two kids from her marriage. The first time we decided to do the “Monster Mash” (she has cheerfully nicknamed my penis Monster), she was looking at it, and kept muttering to herself, “It’s not gonna fit. It’s not gonna fit.” It was all I could do to keep from laughing at that.

219

My fiance and I are spooned on a twin mattress on the floor of some friends’ dorm, said friends scattered asleep around the room. I feel ‘him’ prodding my butt and I shake my head ‘no’. He nods ‘yes’ and proceeds to rid us of underclothes, under the covers. He seems to be aiming a LITTLE high, and I blurt out “Do you know where you are?”
I hear a tiny whisper “Where do you think he is?” from across the room.
Years later…
My husband and I are ‘sleeping in’ Sunday morning and are disturbed by POUNDING on the bed room door. In her 6 year old elfin voice, our darling daughter bellows "I know what you’re doing in there and it’s NOT RIGHT!"
I look at my husband and say " See, I told you you weren’t doing it right".

220

This one is more about my friend than it is about me, but anyhow.

My best friend and I used to live together in a small apartment. Her boyfriend would come over almost everyday after work, for a little ‘action’ on her very squeaky bed.

After tiring of mercilessly teasing her about her squeaky bed, decide to just turn on some of my favorite music-- Tool, Marilyn Manson, NiN-- that day I chose Tool to drown out the sounds of her squeaky bed.

So he gets his rocks off and leaves (he was a ‘fuck and run’ kind of guy), she comes out and I then discover he is REALLY motivated by music-- she had HUGE hickeys and bite marks ALL over her neck and chest area, and was glaring at me with daggers for it. We couldn’t couldn’t stare like that for very long, we dissolved into laughter.

The next day comes along, and I put in all the Tool, NiN and Marilyn Manson I’ve got, and… well, that time I did it on purpose and she was a little pissed at me.