I took a cruise to St Thomas/Bahamas/etc by myself and hooked up with a woman passenger.
We went back to my cabin to enjoy each other’s company further. Turns out she’s a talker when being aroused.
Lots of moans and encouragement from her while we disrobed each other.
She kept telling me “I want your dick” and “Give me that dick” as more clothes came off.
She was laying beside me, looking me in the eyes when she grabbed hold of it. Her eyes got big and she said…
“Oh! I should say MISTER Dick!”
Yeah, boosted my ego, but I think we both nearly had aneurisms from the laughter.
Please tell me that you were playing Ænima, “Hooker with a Penis” specifically. 
[sub]I’m now proud to be posting in one of the greatest SDMB threads, even though I don’t have anything to add to it.[/sub]
Okay, you know what’s really god damn funny?? I -was- playing ‘Hooker with a Penis’. ROFLMAO!!
Hey ! … I object! I mean, come on! Just look how you are dressed ! chuckle
Always seeking to put some spice in life, it occurred to me to combine my wife’s two favorite things: sex and chocolate.
So I sequestered a bit of Cote d’Or – fine Belgian chocolate – on the nightstand to await the great moment. When she’s nearing the heights of passion and mouth-breathing heavily, I slip the spot of chocolate into her mouth, awaiting the inevitable stereo ecstasy.
"Brach! Where did this bolus in my mouth come from? I’m being poisoned," says my beloved.
Definitely a case of coitus interruptus. Plus I had to go look up ‘bolus’ in the dictionary.
I dunno, this was more after sex, and probably not even funny if you were not involved, but here goes.
Ok, my ex and I had been frequenting the same little parking area for a good few months in the middle of winter. Now, this was an out in the boonies residential area that was being developed. Our spot was way past any of the houses, so it never got plowed. And with this being an Iowa winter, the snow really added up.
Ok, on with the plot. We had just finished up another exciting round of “hide the sausage” and he removed the condom and chucked it out the window. I then heard him exclaim “Holy shit, look at all the rubbers!” I looked outside and on the gravel road were at least 50 used condoms left there by us and the other teens who obviously used the area. What with the recent thaw all the condoms that had built up over the winter showed up really well. Soon after that the way to our spot was blocked off. Damn people take the fun out of everything. 
I want to personally thank Whammo for starting this thread, never in my life have I laughed so hard that my whole body hurt.
Try reading this entire thread, all 5 pages, in one marathon session of about 3 hours in the dead of night, and trying desperately not to wake up the entire household. It is not as easy as it sounds.
I thought I was going to die when I read “You move like they do”. I am personally going to add “Is that a leg?!?” to my sig.
I’ve got it. After hours of thinking I’ve finally come up with my addition to this thread.
One day, my (current) Bf was particularly horny, and was making all kinds of sexual comments whenever the opportunity presented itself. He was over at my house, where I was rummaging through the entire kitchen looking for something to eat.
Him: What’s wrong?
Me: I’m hungry, and I don’t know what I want.
Him: (long list of foodstuffs possibly in the house)
Me: No, I don’t want any of those, I want something sweet.
Then I look at him just as he gets this bad-boy-glint in his eyes and he gets a goofy grin on his face and goes “Well, what about some…white chocolate??”
I just sort of stared at him and then broke out laughing. I think I may have hurt his ego a bit when I went into hysterics at his desperate attempt at getting me to give him head. We still laugh about it to this day whenever anyone mentions anything vaguely related to chocolate.
Okay so it’s not as good as “Is that a leg?!?” or “You move like they do” but it’s the best I can come up with.
These don’t really measure up and neither of them is about me having sex, but …
My best friend and her “fiance” (or so they say; they’ve been going out for a few months) had sex for the first time, and right in the middle of it, they both looked each other in the eyes and said “That’s where the BATHING SUIT covers!!!” They then burst out laughing. She didn’t say whether they finished or not.
Same couple own these dice they bought at Spencer’s store in the mall; one of them has body parts, the other has actions. Possible rolls would be, for example, “suck breasts” and “massage below waist.” So at friend’s (and my) graduation party, mixed company, quite a bit of excellent vodka, we’re all paired off and playing with the sex dice. My partner rolled, got “lick below waist,” and knelt before me to apply his tongue to my kneecap (yes, knee; he and i were strenuously avoiding the sexual interpretations of our rolls), he suddenly looked up and said “I can’t do this. I feel like I’m going down on Kurt Cobain.”
This is funny stuff. This happened to a friend of mine.
The first time her bf (ex) went down on her, she wasn’t enjoying it at all. (or anytime) They were in her room, and superman was playing on T.V. While she was laying there, she was humming the song in her head, and she said she got carried away and actually began vocally singing it. Her ex was really upset and ego-bruised. And of course she thought it was funny. It was a good way to get him off of her. And of course, she told all of her friends. So everytime we saw him we’d yell “look! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s SUPERMAN!”
He didn’t like that at all.
Are you sure that wasn’t me?
[sub] The ONLY reason I’m even bringing this one up is because one of my IRL friends threatened to register and post this himself-Brian, I hate you. [/sub]
Not really somnething said more as something that was done…
I had a fuck buddy for several years. If I was between relationships and feeling frisky, I called him.
Every single time I’d call him, he’d ALWAYS request that I wear certain,shall we say, outfits.
The last time we got together, he made his usual request-garter belt,stockings,no panties,etc. I got irritated and decided to bust his balls a little. I told him it was his turn to dress up for me. He says ok,I’ll see you tomorrow at the usual place.
We meet at the place and he goes into the bathroom with a duffle bag. He won’t come out until I close my eyes.
I open my eyes to…
wait for it…
it’s worth it, trust me…
He was dressed up as Jeff Hardy. The complete outfit-cargo pants,tight shirt,armbands,and the topper…
A long multicolored wig.
I almost peed my pants laughing. Took a good half hour and him losing the outfit to get me back in the mood.
[sub] Brian, if you’re reading this, you suck. Just you wait until you register. Your ass is mine, Big Poppa Chump [/sub]
I had to sign up for this. I’ll probably stick around too. grin
One night, when my husband and I were just dating, we wanted to get a little frisky. I was only 18 and living with the parents. He had just gotten out of the army, so he was living with his parents as well. So, it meant we had to find somewhere else to go. Which wasn’t hard, considering we had spent the past 3 months finding places to go. (laughs thinking of all the security tapes we had to erase at work)
So, we end up by a lake near my house. We had come there frequently. And aside from meeting up with the occasional stoned out of their mind kid, it was usually rather private.
However, today he had decided to drive his 87 Mazda RX-7 to my house. Have you ever tried to have sex in a RX-7? I don’t recommend it.
So we grab a sleeping bag and head out to the waters edge. Now I have to give you a mental picture. You had to walk down a hill from the parking lot down to the water. So, the two of us are going at it, with me on top when I see bright headlights over the edge of the hill. I panicked and told my husband who promptly pushed me off and grabbed a blanket to pull over his “nether regions”.
Over the hill comes this large sherrif. “So folks, what are you doing out here tonight?”
Husband: Nothing, sir. (Stammering the entire time.)
Sheriff: It certainly is a nice night to come out and lie naked under the moonlight.
Husband: Yes sir.
So, he asks us for our IDs. He looks at mine, and because at the time I still had a FL ID (I had just moved to NC), he looked at me funny.
Sheriff: You drive all this way just to come to this lake? Dont you have water down there?
I explained that I had just moved here. He looks at my husbands ID and notes that were both “legal”. He hands our ID’s back.
Sheriff: Well, folks. I’ll let you get back to what you were doing. You two have fun now in the moonlight.
And he walked away. Husband could go on after that, but it was the funniest thing I had ever been through. Actually we were lucky. We found out later that most of the cops in the area arrest you for that. (It’s illegal in NC. Love the blue laws.)
Another funny thing said during sex.
“You’re the first one that doesn’t hurt.”
I just couldn’t make the guy realize that it was a compliment.
I swear I don’t think I’ve ever hurt so much from laughing. So it’s only fair that you get to giggle at my pain… here’s a couple for you.
-
I lost my virginity to a friend’s brother that I’d had a crush on for a long time. I was raised Catholic, was an altar server at church at the time. Well, here I’ve just committed this HUGE sin, in my bed no less, when as we’re basking in the afterglow the phone rings. It’s the priest from my church. I’m standing there, nekkid and… disheveled, clutching the phone with the absolute certainty that God KNOWS WHAT I DID, and my priest was calling to let me know that. Apparently he just wanted to go over the schedule with me. I went to mass three times that weekend.
-
My schmuck of an ex and I used to play… games. Dress up happened to be one of them. Well, when you’re living in a dorm with psycho hallmates, sometimes it’s hard to be discreet. I can hear my ex locking up his bedroom, which was across the hall from mine, and having the following conversation with one psycho hallmate who was kicking the wall outside my room.
Him: Goodnight, P.H.
P.H.: Night.
Him: I’m going to bed now.
P.H.: 'Kay.
Him: Stop kicking the wall.
P.H.: Uh-huh. Hey, can I ask you a question?
Him: Yeah.
P.H.: Why are you wearing a knife to bed?
Him: Don’t ask stupid questions. Just stop kicking the wall.
(eep)
- Hubby and I went to a pagan festival, and purposely set up camp a good distance from our neighbors. Well, at some point after we’d gone to bed, some interlopers had come in and set up their tent right next to ours. I was awakened at 4:30AM by moans and groans coming from about 5 inches away. Making this even more frustrating is the fact that I had recently had surgery and couldn’t do anything for 6 weeks. This went on for about a half hour, with me getting more and more angry. Finally, the male half of the pair gets out of the tent to take care of nature. He comes back, and I swear they started doing some bizarre sexual redition of the three little pigs, with the guy doing the ‘It’s the big bad wolf’ thing. I finally sat up and screamed ‘God damn it, let the guy in so he can f*** you!’ It was pretty quiet after that. snicker
-BK
Boy, laughing at all these messages is exhausting. I do not have any anecdotes quite as thrilling as those up to now, but I might as well add this little bit:
Quite some years back, I am in the middle of an intense Adult Cuddling moment with a long-time lady friend, and we’re in the phase of saying silly little endearments to one another as we wrestle when she looks at me and says:
“You’re my hot little Sex McNugget.”
I paused, to attempt to compute. It does not.
Badly suppressing the urge I semi-giggle to her: “Huh?”
She returns to reality: “Oh, my God, I’m sorry, what in the world was I thinking?”
By then I was laughing. There was no consummation, but it felt good to let out a good laugh.
Would have normally mortified her about it for days on end, but there was not the time (she was visiting from out of town). Many months later I created an e-mail address for Sex McNugget in the old anon.penet mailer for the express purpose of doing so – she took it well.
jrd
(Now, had her choice of metaphor been the Big Mac, that might have led somewhere…)
-bump-
When I was leaving for a job a long distance away I went to the movies w/ my gf the night before I left. After the movie, the last few moments that I’d see her in the next two months, I gave her a necklace to remember me by while I was gone. She came closer to me and said, “I’d kiss you, but my mom might be around.”
Crash.
Once, in a rare situation where I’d just met a woman and ended up following her home to her bed, I was at a loss for any thing to say in the post-coital silence. I decided to try “wit.”
I said, “Now that we’ve gotten so close, I think you should know that I do… …feast on the blood of the living.”
Well, she screamed, and leapt out of the bed, taking the blanket with her, and cowered in the corner of the room.
“Uh, sorry-- Just kidding.”
We became great friends after that.
I once pulled the old “As Balzac once said, there goes another novel” line (as I learned it from Annie Hall) post-coital, but the lucky lady that night didn’t get the reference. I laughed, though.
Once my girlfriend and i were gettin a little wild up in the bedroom. my parents weren’t home but my brother was and he was unaware of our little carnival upstairs. Anyway, I had the whipped cream in my room so that we could… You know. Anyway, there was whipped cream all over her and my brother walked in, turned on the light and said, “hey waldo, have you seen the whipped cream- OMY GOD!!!” I’ve never seen anyone run so fast.