I’m involved with this girl. She’s everything I could ever want in girl. There’s a pretty big distance seperating us right now, but we’re still trying to make it work. We’re on the phone constantly and if we’re not talking, we’re texting all day. She makes me happy and makes me want to make her happy. Now, we aren’t exactly together together, but we both agreed to not do anything with any other people. That is until a couple weeks ago when she kissed her ex boyfriend (they stopped seeing each other about 3 and a half months ago), who up to a week before that had a restraining order on him so he couldn’t be near her. It hurt a lot when she told me they kissed and I don’t know how to handle it. We’re still talking and when I’m not thinking of the event, she still makes me happy. But that event isn’t the only thing that bothers me. She’s seen him around and she picks up the phone when he calls. This is a guy she should dislike, he cheated on her dozens of times, he’s gotten with some of her friends, he forbade her from seeing certain people when they were together. She gets mad when other people talk about him in a positive light, but she doesn’t see a problem with her talking to him.
I have this deep want to be with her. But when I think of these things, they make it hard for me to imagine ever being truly happy with her. If she didn’t kiss him or if she keeps him out of her life, it would make me so much happier. But she already kissed him, and I don’t know how to deal with that. And she’s always going to let him be in her life, and I don’t know if I can be with her if she still wants him in her life.
Maybe I’m just taking our little relationship too seriously. We didn’t start off in the best way (I was sort of involved with her and her friend at the same time). And we were only together for about 2 weeks before I had to leave. But in her I saw everything that could make me happy. And I still want to be with her. Anyone been through something like this? Do I throw away what could be a great relationship because of a black mark on her otherwise perfect record? Do I stay with her despite the fact that these things make me dislike her? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
One week she has a restraining order on this guy and the next she’s kissing him? She’s got a serious problem when it comes to this guy. Save yourself a lot of pain and let her go.
Come on now, you can just let something like this fly under the radar. Care to elaborate?
Anyway, I’d say move on. You can’t compete with ex-boyfriends. Especialy with woman who have a prclivity to go back to boyfriends so nefarious, she had to get a restraining order on him. This just tells me that he was probably violent towards her. (I’m extrapolating here) Also y’all were only together for two weeks FCOL.
I’d just leave where it’s at; which is a good memory. Or at least two weeks of it anyway.
Long distance relationships are tough under the best of circumstances - and this doesn’t sound like the best of circumstances. You both agreed to be exclusive, yet in less than a month she’s kissing the ex? If you want to keep in touch with her, do so, but don’t turn down any opportunities to have a good time yourself. Don’t stay on the computer or phone with her all the time if there is something you could be doing in real life. I’m not going to advise you to cut off contact with her (I doubt you would anyway) but I would be wary.
Around earlier July, I would talk to her all the time. She was a real good friend, and still is, and we could talk about anything to each other. I didn’t really see her for anything more then a friend because I was sprung over her friend. I eventually began to realize that I had feelings for her. But I still had some for her friend. One night, at a party, I sorta kissed both of them. She was pretty pissed but her friend handled it pretty well. Eventually, it died down and I hung out with both of them. One night I would be with one and whatever would happen, and another night I would be with the other one. Sometimes I’d see one during the day and then see the other at night. After reading what I wrote, I realize that this all makes me sound like a pretty horrible person. I honestly believe that I had feelings for both of them and never thought of this whole thing as just me having fun.
I eventually realized that I underestimated my feelings for her. Going back to around early July, I can see that I always had them for her.
I hope this is teen love. (It is more easily survivable.)
I’m curious how you even knew they had kissed. Did she tell you? If she is seriously interested in you, telling you that she kissed an ex, (an ex with a bad history), would seem to indicate that she either is deliberately trying to make you jealous or she is utterly clueless of how to handle interpersonal relations.
If the first, you don’t need that sort of grief.
If the latter, how long do you intend to wait for her to grow up?
I am not going to insist that you walk away from her, (although that sounds like the best option), but you should really consider putting some emotional distance between you. Treat her as a nice kid with whom you can have fun on the phone or date when you’re in town, and drop the “everything I could want” belief. Everything you could want includes manipulation or immaturity?
However, since I suspect that you will not be able to put any emotional distance into your relationship, the better suggestion remains to simply tell her that the long distance thing is not working and you hope she has a wonderful life. Then go out and find someone closer, (or date around while you age, a bit, yourself.)
It’s very much teen love. It doesn’t help that I’m also the hopeless romantic type.
She told me they kissed, she said she felt very guilty and that the kiss didn’t do anything for her. It just made her realize that she wants me and not him.
That made me feel a little better until she told me that she would pick up when he calls. Ugh.
Spend a bit more relaxed time getting to know each other (without totally committing your life) and figure out how you both really feel about each other. You will hear a lot more about the ex if he still has a hold on her, and the psycho bells will ring louder.
If you find you seriously like each other and want to make a go of things, ask her about the ex thing in a non-confrontational way and tell her you feel a little uncomfortable about it. If you guys are gonna work out, you have to talk about these things openly at the start or it will eat you inside.
Also, I’ve done the long distance thing and it can be hard. The trick is to talk every single day, show her she is in your thoughts and meet up often. Most importantly you’ll need a set plan for the future when you will be together, because otherwise nothing will ever develop and one of you will eventually give up and wander.
Dude, I’m not saying you’re feelings aren’t genuine nor is the pain you’re feeling; but man, move on already! YOu’ve got a whole myriad of women out there just waiting for a guy like you.
Don’t waste these years pining over some girl a ‘zillion’ milees away. They’re right in your back yard FCOL!
Take my word for it as an old man. (AT leat to you anyway) You DON’T want to look back on your teenaged years saying “Man! What the hell was I thinking? I passed up the oppertunity to go out with Stacey, Trace and Macey just so I could play phone tag with some girl who’s probably do’n it with other guys anyway.”
[Folds up newspaper and starts to beat some sense into the OP]
At the very least, stop smothering her. You should be pissed that she kissed another guy, so act that way. If she knows she can get away with that shit without repercussions, she’ll continue to do so.
In my experience, the kind of girl who gets a restraining order against an abusive ex, then keeps going back to him, tends to chase abusive guys and toy with nice guys. Betting you’re the latter. If you are a nice guy, she’ll never be faithful to you and treat you right. If you take don’t ask’s advice and turn into the kind of bad guy she craves, she might decide she wants you.
But please, please don’t do that. :-p Stay a nice guy and find yourself a nice girl with a healthy way of relating to men.
I’ve dealt with too many crazy chicks not to know the signs by now. Trust me on this, she’s crazy. She will only make you miserable - especially in a long distance relationship. You think that she’s everything you want, but she’s not. And you’ll discover that sooner or later, most likely after lots of pain and heartache. Just save yourself the pain right now, tell her it’s not going to work out, and walk away.
Tell her you’ll holler back at her the next time you’re in town. See where everything’s at when you do get back. She won’t be hard to find. Just find him, she’ll be somewhere nearby.
In general, a person who gets a restraining order, then goes back to the restrainee for kissing (or whatever); she isn’t through with him yet, and may never be.
Keep your eyes open for a better deal in the meantime. One shouldn’t be too hard to find.