i’m on the “end it now before it gets messy” bandwagon with one additional comment
you’re teens? - trust me - this isn’t the “be all - end all” relationship of your life -
if you want to stay friends with her, that might work. but don’t invest time and emotion in a person who retains contact with her abusive ex - you’ll either end up very blue and alone, or completely soured on relationships in general, and you’re too young for that to happen
From when she told me she kissed him to now, I didn’t really suspect this. I really can’t see her doing that. But I guess I’m just naive. I think I’m gonna let her go. We’ll definately keep in touch and all that, and we’ll definately meet up when I get back. I think I just got too committed too quickly and had unrealistic expectations of her. Ugh
Talking on the phone and texting is NOT a relationship and anyone can get on famously when they don’t have to see and deal with each other in real life. That’s one of the things I noticed about my grandaughter, she kept talking about her close “friends” and then I realized she was talking about people she had never met; only talked to on the phone or online. Please, that’s not knowing someone; if you can’t see their face when you are talking you are not getting the whole message. Since you moved, believe me, you have not gotten to know her any better than you did from the two weeks you were physically with her.
Now, I remember being a teenager and as a girl I can tell you that realizing you have the power to make men crazy is a heady feeling. And if I had to tell you I kissed my old boyfriend to make you nuts, I would do it (I was a teenager for gods sake). And as far as being able to “tell each other anything”; I’m really sorry to tell you this, but further experience in love and life will make you realize it’s ALWAYS that way when you meet someone and fall in love (or lust).
On top of being a teenaged girl, this girl has huge issues and you know what they are you just don’t want to face them. So, don’t get involved with someone that will cheat on you and always prefer the “bad” guy. and make your life miserable for as long as it lasts.
RUN!
Put her number on call block, put her email address in your spam blacklist and move on.
That or fuck her mother and tell her it didn’t do anything for you except realize how much you really want her.
Another vote in the RUN camp. Any girl who keeps going back to an ex who was bad enough for a restraining order is not someone who can have a good relationship. First she needs to learn to stay away from this guy and stand on her own two feet. Which means she has to cut the guy entirely out of her life; by answering the phone and kissing him, she’s rewarding his persistence and sending the message that if he just tries hard enough, she’ll come back to him.
Ah, the mating game. I always feel so thankful for my marraige when I hear of these sort of things.
On topic though-
Given that she dated a guy that she had to put a restraining order on in the first place, coupled with the fact that she’s still kissing him (which is either showing interest or simply carelessness for her own self esteem), you should really consider letting her go. It sounds like she has other problems in her life that will only make you miserable. She might be one of those girls who enjoys the abuse, but will hate you for it all the same.
It’s ok to be infatuated with someone, but you have to look out for yourself and think with the right head (hah!).
Seek your fate elsewhere with another woman. My psionic mutant powers tell me that this future holds nothing but unhappiness for you.
I’ve taken the advice in this thread into deep consideration. I think she needs some time for herself to understand what she really wants. I don’t think I can be in a happy relationship with her if she is going to allow him to be in her life. Am I wrong in thinking that I can still be her friend? There will be no commitment for either of us and it’ll allow me to have fun and maybe find someone else, and it will allow her to think things through. And that way, if she still wants her ex, then thats her beef, not mine. Am I still being naive in thinking that I can seek a relationship with her farther down the road?
By all means stay friends with her. If she is kissing a guy she had to put a restraining order on, she’s probably going to need friends. Are you sure you can handle her crying on your shoulder about another guy? If you’re tough enough to handle that without it hurting you, go for it. Don’t hold out expectations for having a relationship “down the road” - that could sour any relationship you find where you are now. Being friends can lead to more*, but don’t put your life on hold waiting on it.
*Mr. SCL and I knew each other for 11 years before we got married, and we will have been married 17 years in January. We both dated other people during that time. I never cried on his shoulder about another guy.
Yes and yes. Grow some fucking nads, dude. If you want to string her along for some fantastic sex once in a while, fine. But get your heart as far away from her as possible as soon as possible. Your world is much too big to get stuck in one small, uncomfortable, crappy part of it.
So you’re getting contradictory advice on the “can we still be friends thing.” My vote is for no. But if you want to listen to the people saying “yes,” then at the VERY LEAST give it a few months first, without being anything but a casual acquaintance with her. Let your feelings die down, and get some perspective on her. Give yourself time to re-evaluate the way she treats you, and decide whether you’re better off with her or without her in your life. Some people are poison, but until you get over your feelings you won’t be able to really judge that.
Or you could just use her for sex. 
But then it’s your own damned fault if you end up letting your feelings fester and get sucked back in.
“Borrow” a lot of money from her, and then split town. That way, you get it all: Bad-boy cred, her undying affection, well-needed distance, sweet revenge and however much money you manage to cadge off of her.
I think what’s doing you in is the, “I can’t stop thinking about it !” part.
You’ve been given some really good advice here, but the crushing teenage love spell part makes me think you’ll be unable to follow any of it. Optimistically I’d like to think you will, but the realist in me knows you’re about to learn some things about the nature of love and life. Things we, the more aged, remember learning in our own painful and educational teenage years.
The truth is there is no way through it but through it.
I can’t help feeling that the ‘true romantic’ in you grooves a little on the long distance, can’t reach her thing. And I maybe is a tiny little empowered by the aching for ‘the perfect one’ as she slips into the grips of the nefarious ex. She can’t stop taking his calls, you can’t stop talking and texting with her, all day everyday. It would make a great novel, but it’s not going to be fun to live out.
Do yourself this favour my friend, and stop all dialogue that says, “I can’t stop thinking about her.” But I can’t live without her. I can’t stay mad at her. This way lies madness. Correct yourself whenever you hear these words, verbally or internally. Embrace your behaviour as choice. You are not a powerless child in this, you are an adult now.
Whatever coarse of action you choose, try to keep in mind, when you’re texting all day, talking on the phone all night, loosing sleep over losing her, whatever it is, embrace it as your choice, do not beat yourself up about it. Even when it drags on for months before breathing it’s final gasp. Even if you go back to her 10 times and it fails again and again. Just don’t beat yourself up for it, sometimes we need to go around the track 2 times, sometimes we go around a dozen times. Self loathing will not make the journey shorter, we’re all different and we’ve all been there.
Owning your choices in this will really diminish any romanticising of the circumstance that may well be part of your attraction, which could keep you from seeing things clearly. Secondly, recognizing your choices as such will, believe it or not, make it much easier to live with yourself and recover from the inevitable broken heart should it end crushingly. You seem a very intelligent man, so I know you must be aware, teenage love can go wrong, and it hurts, and sometimes ends badly.
And I wish you good luck. 
Hrm.
She’s a teenager?
How does a teenager get a restraining order filed and/or lifted?
Is there an adult guardian involved somehow?
Does the adult guardian know she’s kissing the guy right after havbing the restraining order lifted?
Teenagers have adult guardians because teenagers have poor (undeveloped might be a better word) judgment about this kind of thing.
Now, it could also be that she just told you there was a restraining order when there was actually no legal process involved. People (not just young people) do sometimes exaggerate for dramatic effect.
But a restraining order is a serious thing. Things would have to be plenty bad before a teenager would be granted one. And if they’re that bad, I wouldn’t trust her judgment that suddenly he was “okay” again.
If my (hypothetical) child had filed a restraining order against some guy, I certainly would rather move to the other coast than permit her to see him again, regardless of whether things had been “patched up”.
Sailboat
I third this. And I agree that you shouldn’t try to be friends with her yet - let some time pass first. You might find that you end up together, but you both have some serious growing up to do first, so why tie yourself down to a heartache, instead of going out and meeting people and having fun?
Forget her.
One of my college room-mates was always “friends” with the girls he was hoping to score with. Their version of friendship was having him drive them somewhere, borrowing his car, letting him take them shopping, you get the picture. I’m not saying you’re girl would necessarily do this with you, but based on what you know of this girl, what seems more likely, she’d be a terrific friend, or she’d use you and make you miserable?
This girls seems at best, needy, and at worst, nuts. You don’t need friends like that.
I agree. Take some time off and distance yourself from her so you can get some real perspective.
But if you’re going to have mindless animal sex with her regardless of our advice, then use a condom. You wouldn’t want to get an STD from Crazy Girl, now do you? 
This sounds a loooooot like a relationship I was in my sophomore year of college. Boy did that screw me up!! It started out wrong, like yours, and it progressed and got worse (which was compounded by the fact that we spent all our time together). My situation got way out of hand before I called it quits. I actually moved to England (study abroad) partly to escape this guy. Not because he was treating me so bad, but because I was actually letting him. After 4 years of misery, my self-esteem was shattered far beyond what I’d imagined. Btw, I’m not talking physical abuse, he never laid a hand on me. But he made me doubt my own intutions, and insulted me for being “overly-sensitive” about some of the things he did (one incident involved his ex-girlfriend, go figure. It turns out later that he was screwing her). Basically, I thought he was cheating on me, but I couldn’t prove it (or at least I didnt think I could). I should have listened to myself from the beginning, and you should listen to yourself now! That’s what intuition is for, so be thankful you got it!
Also, this girl sounds pretty unstable, and believe me, you don’t need that in your life! Like everyone says, it’ll be hard, but there’s no way through it but through it. And from the sounds of it, if you don’t get this over with now, it could lead to a very. very. painful. experience. Enlist family and friends to help keep you busy. I know I couldn’t have made it without my family & friends.
Oy, change the guy to a girl, and England to the army, and you could be talking about my college relationship, dear. :smack:
teemingONE, you know the voice in the back of your head that says “Cut ties and run away?” You can sort of hear it waayyyyy in the background whenever the whole “I want to make her happy 'cuz she makes me happy and this is real love” monologue. You know what it means? It means CUT TIES AND RUN AWAY!! No friendships, no emails, no texting, no listening to her in her time of need. CUT TIES AND RUN THE FUCK AWAY!! LISTEN to that voice, teeming. That voice will save you a whole lot of trouble down the road, and not just with nutty bunny girlfriends. Listen to your inner voice and leave the scary snogging girlfriend alone.
Sigh . . . or don’t. Hey, once upon a time, I used to be your age. Maybe people here are right. Maybe sometimes you have to be burned to figure out that fire is hot. But let me give you three pieces of advice to follow, no matter what your hormones say:
- Don’t get her pregnant.
- Don’t marry her.
- (Kind of a collorary on #2) For that matter, don’t marry anyone before you’re 30. Unless she’s hot and really smart. And not a psycho.
Linty Fresh, well you put it pretty bluntly. That’s pretty much what I was trying to say. It’s a shame, because people used to tell me this, and I knew they were right, but I didn’t do anything about it. So, teemingone, this is your chance to make up for all our mistakes!