Goddam self-pity won't leave me alone.

The BBQ Pit
21

I myself have hit depression. I have wanted to smash my head against my keyboard at times. I was dumped over instant messaging I couldn’t do anything about it. She didn’t like me thus I was loving a brick wall which one day would fall on me and break ever bone in my enthusiasm and love of life. Life sucks! I have found out quite recently that my ex… She is going out with my best friend. I need to find new love or get my mind off of things.

I used to see relationships as an excuse for the first stage hormonal reproduction. I’m not saying that they are not. I had found love and lost it. It was my first time, I still haven’t recovered. Love is much more than I had ever known it makes or breaks a person.

I went a week without talking once I felt so cynical that I couldn’t bare it, I had hit depression. My ex-girlfriend hasn’t talked to me for months; she avoids eye contact with me at all costs.

Today I went into thought. Life is short, love is stupid. She wasn’t worth it. I have a long life to fulfil if I can’t even stand love there is no hope for me. Tonight I am going out to find myself a life.

I have not faced depression like any of yours I must admit. I have gotten over her; I still have the air in my lungs and the beat in my heart. I will have to live with it.

I give you all the best for your lives, living them and fulfilling them how you want.
I am a dim 15 years old student who can’t even deal with depression, what hope is there for me. I have forgiven my best friend but my ex hasn’t forgiven me.

Fireworks night tonight, another day of optimistic glory, I will find new love I hope you can deal with depression.

22

I have really, really, hesitated on posting to this, but what the hell?

Caveat: I am in no way a trained psychologist or psychiatrist, so don’t take this as in any official. Heck, it may even be harmful.

But my two cents is you might want to consider doing a Tom Cruise in “Risky Business” and just go, “Sometimes you just have to say Fuck it!”

No concrete suggestions, but I’m thinking of things like considering putting the acting on hold and just do something massive, like:

Apply for a job at the Company (CIA)

Get something to do overseas (country of your choice)

Join the Foreign Service

Become a mercenary

Start up your own business…(like my dream, “Simply the Best”–stock the BEST salt, ketchup, watches, crystal, peppercorns [Pohnpeian, if you can get them], and so on. Stay away from multi-million $$ things like cars, mansions, etc.)

Build funky-ass rice-burner engines for the small-car racer set…or specialize in “drifters.”

Buy a cabin on the river. Grow your own veggies, fish, maybe do guide work for some cash.

Subscribe to “The Mother Earth News” --does that still exist? I think so, no sure.

Go to college/back to college/vo-tech school. Get another degree, learn how to do plumbing, engine building, elictrical work, HVAC

Do something REALLY death-defying…become a teacher! Keep a student orientation and enjoy what your “fuck you” attitude does to a lot of the administrators…observe their nose bleeds, it is wonderful.

Grow exotic veggies for restaurants. Heck, grow kick-butt organic tomatoes and the like, even. Give 'em Swiss Chard, New Zealand spinache, and so on.

Anyway, it’s only a suggestion. Whatever, think of doing something that excites or intrigues you. You got nothing to lose, find something and go for it!

Just one final thing: Having been there, this is what worked for me. You have only my best wishes and thoughts. You hang in there.

23

When I was at my worst stage of depression, I used to think that everyone else’s life was sunshine and flowers, and I hated them for it. It wasn’t until I started to heal that I began to see that there are an awful lot of people going through their own personal hell. You can’t tell at first glance, but if you really observe, you’ll see it.

A select few lucky people go through life with self-confidence, happiness and stability. Others (like me), have been smacked down, stomped on, dragged through the mud, ostracized, and been filled with self-loathing for a long time. I’m only now just really beginning to be happy with my life, in spite of the problems that are still there. And it’s taken a LOT of hard work and pain to even begin to heal myself. If you think you’re alone, buddy, you have no idea.

If you really want to get better, you gotta do the work. I found that out myself. You can get a lot of help if you seek it out, but the only person who’s gonna ultimately save you is you.

24

Amen.

First, you’ve been in therapy for 11 years? If you’re not making progress with this therapist, I suggest changing. Therapy isn’t supposed to be a way of life.

Second, if you have clinical depression, see somebody about that. There is a lot we can do for ourselves with regard to how we think and feel about things, but sometimes you do need a biochemical kick in the pants.

Third, get the books from Dr. Joseph Luciani, The Power of Self-Coaching and Self-Coaching: How to Heal Anxiety and Depression. He makes an awful lot of sense in his books, and he doesn’t have much use for self-pity or blaming anyone but yourself for your life. He talks about anxiety and depression as habits, and I totally believe that so much of how we feel is simply our habits. You obviously have a habit of self-pity. Part of your solution is breaking this bad habit, which is indeed much easier said than done.

Oh, and nobody ever said life was supposed to be easy, either. It just is what it is, you know?

25

Right, the paragraph I posted has nothing to do with human rights or equality…except that what you presented was a general attitude towards life. That means that it is applicable to anything that someone may live through. Therefore, it does apply to human rights and equality. No, I can’t do it, I can’t change the system, the battle is too hard. I should just give up now. No, I can’t be an artist…why? Because I suck, I don’t have the skill. So, instead of improving your skill as an artist, you should just give up and find something else? I’m sorry, but I just have to say, fuck that attitude.

Ah, yes, and the world peace laser. I do not believe I implied anywhere that I had any desire for peace.

26

Oh, and just to be absolutely clear: I am not arguing against the idea that some struggles are not worth the effort(or sacrifices) required. I’m arguing against saying that you can not do something, so you may as well stop trying.

27

To me that’s like saying that a cancer patient has a habit of feeling pain. Of course there are negative feelings about himself and his life if he has depression. That’s one of the symptoms. It’s amazing how often those feelings of self pity go away two to six weeks after a patient begins taking medication. And that is without other substantial changes factoring into that person’s life situation.

For goodness sake, no one should be critical of him for his being critical of himself.

Doug, is your therapist a psychiatrist? If not, I think that you would benefit from seeing someone could could evaluate this from a bio-chemical standpoint. If you are already taking medications, they may need to be adjusted. Or you may need to try a different therapist. It took a long time before I found the right one.

Are there not people with chronic illnesses who need to check in with their doctors? More likely than not, I will have to have my meds monitored for the rest of my life. I can have that done once every six weeks or so in a 20-30 minute session.

Doug, your feelings about yourself and your life and your lack of control possibly may have nothing to do with your talent and abilities. I believe that author William Styron and television newsman Mike Wallace have both written books about their own experiences with depression. Mark Twain had bouts of it. So many people get help for it.

28

Yes, and one of the treatments for clinical depression is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which has been proven as effective as medication. I know doctors, therapists, and drug companies love pushing a pill as the cure for what ails ya, but there are other, proven methods that involve you doing some of the work for yourself to effect a change in your outlook on life.

NOTE: I am NOT advocating that anyone go on or off medication or therapy without talking to their doctor and/or therapist. I am simply stating that there are other, good, effective options other than medication alone.

29

I don’t know if I really know what you’re saying but I used to be in a cycle of having terrible times of depression, and then I would start to feel okay and I would get a life and be completely normal but then I’d start to feel like I hated everything I was doing and everyone in my life. I’d be depressed for a couple of years, and then outgoing for a couple of years. I finally got better because I realized that whenever I had those energetic spurts I was being the person I thought I should be but that it wasn’t really the person that I am meant to be. My life is meant to be a little bit on the monastic side. I never had guessed that before because I always assumed my instincts were wrong and that if I wanted to fart around all by myself that was unhealthy or something. I kind of got extremely sick of life and I finally said fuck it and started to just do whatever I felt like all the time and not talk to anyone unless I felt like it and that’s when I started to be happy. I mean, I am not completely without ambition or relationships, but I really figured out that my ambitions and social needs are more simple than I wanted to admit. On the other hand, I think my modest goals are actually very profound in a way. I only want to do my best at work and be a good person the best I know how. I used to want to have a job that would be just perfect for me and be a great and wonderful person who shared herself with the world, but I never really knew how to make that happen and so when I turned 30 I stopped trying to figure it out and just applied myself to the job I have and the person I am. It turns out that provides more than enough challenges. But they are in bite sizes that I can cope with. Which means I rise to them and it makes me happy and gives me satisfaction with my job and my life. I’m not happy in general, but I am glad a shocking amount of the time which is crazy. I’m especially glad that I don’t have to spend any time thinking about how life was meant to be or feeling regretful about it. I could say that I enjoy life and I’m glad I’m alive for the first time since I was 9.

I agree with needing a break from yourself. Whenever it’s a damp, drizzly november in his soul, I always go to sea. Not literally. But I do things like exercise or go for a walk somewhere where there’s a lot to look at so I won’t overthink. Maybe I’m only guessing but maybe you’re an overthinker and expect things out of your life that maybe you’re only guessing would be satisfying to you. Maybe the things you really are meant to have in life are things you’re convincing yourself are a waste. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon.

30

Well, no Einstein…human rights and equality have nothing to do with talent. You may be able to improve a skill, but a person with limited intelligence (i.e., ALL OF US) limited funds (i.e., ALL OF US) or limited physical capabilities (i.e., ALL OF US) may or may not be able to achieve what he’d like to achieve. For instance… not everyone recognizes sarcasm when they see it. (hint-hint) That’s just the way it is. Some of us are good at it, and others aren’t. Some people just don’t get it.

Children today all get a trophy for mediocrity. “Everyone’s a star!” “Everyone’s equal!” “You’re special!!” Well, everyone’s not a star. Most people are average. Being told you can achieve anything you want isn’t good for you if it’s not the truth. Yes, you can try to be anything you want, but if you don’t succeed…for reasons other than those in your control (and there are many), continuing along a losing path is depressing, emotionally draining, and counterproductive to your general sense of self-worth. Do something you CAN do. Work on improving yourself in areas you’d like to shine in, but don’t let that pursuit stop you from living in your own reality.

I also agree with other posters who would say that a person who spends 11 years in therapy with few tangible results might consider reexamining the worth of the time spent with that therapist.

31

Think less and do more.

Just unplug your brain and take in sensory delights that are not illegal. Y’know like masterbating in public while on ecstasy and listening to the 1812 overture.

Enjoy your kitties.

32

[QUOTE=Shirley Ujest]
Y’know like masterbating in public while on ecstasy and listening to the 1812 overture.

[QUOTE]

That’s illegal? It’s the only thing I have found that even begins to cure my depression. Bummer.

33

Amen to this, too. You know what would happen if you just unplug your brain and don’t worry about every little thing you can possibly think of? You would start to just live.

And I just have to say, the title of this thread is incorrect. It should be “**I **just won’t leave the goddam self-pity alone.”

34

I’m with Kalhoun. Raising a whole generation to believe that the only thing between them and greatness is determination can be very damaging. I spent years beating myself up, some wallowing deep in depression, because I couldn’t be the overacheiver that I felt was a minimum requirement. How sick is that? No one talk about the reverse of the “anyone can be president” statement. If all you need is motivation, then that means the other 299,000,000 of us are all failures simply by not being president.

The most important thing I ever learned was to be happy with my life as it was. Not the life I wanted or thought I should have. But what I did have. I made peace with what I was capable of doing. I’d rather have a goal I know I can attain, and feel good about reaching it, then chase forever something I may never get, sinking deeper into the hole.

35

I realize that the world-peace laser comment was sarcasm. I responded to it the way I did 'cause I was arguing against peace being a desirable goal. Now, if you had said ‘go work on your world destroying laser…’ :wink:

I think we should stop hijacking Doug’s thread now.

36

Yes, it is considered very effective. But in cases of severe depression, would it work as quickly? Hypothetical: If a person seemed to be in a crisis situation, wouldn’t a doctor want to try to stablize her for the short term before beginning CBT? (Just asking – I’m not a physician.)

You don’t know that to be true of all or even most psychiatrists. Medications have saved many, many lives, featherlou, and your broadbrush generalizations of the evil pill-pushing shrink working in collusion with the drug companies is a disservice to those who have benefitted.

So those of us who have used medications haven’t had to do any of the work for ourselves to effect a change in our outlook on life? Oh, featherlou!

The initial changes is my depression levels changed within six weeks of my taking prozac in 1989 and have had to be adjusted only a few times since then. The change my outlook on life – the absence of unfocused rage, the embrace of each day, the pride in looking back on my life’s work, the forgiveness of others – and so much more, has come about over sixteen years. And there is still more to work on.

You were really terribly mistaken in your comments.

37

Doug, I’m not going to offer any wise advice. I’m just hanging out with you and empathizing how much it sucks to get through each day sunk in despair and self-loathing. Instead of sugarcoating it, I took up Goth style 'cause no matter how fucking painful my existence is, at least I might as well have a bit of fun playing with it. Now I get compliments on my fashions. Maybe it’s all just whistling past the graveyard, but it gets me out, partying, and living it up. I figure any little smidgen of fun I can get out of this painful existence, I have a fucking right to enjoy it for all it’s worth. No worries.

38

I think it depends on the person. I can only speak for myself but CBT was effective almost immediately (I mean - within two weeks) for me because it was a rational approach to handling thing. I’d been in other types of therapy off an on for a decade but I’d always been struggling with my feelings. My CBT therapist basically said, “to hell with your feelings. Let’s talk about concrete actions. Let’s talk about what specific thing you’re saying and doing.”

Taking a dry, rational look at specific, concrete things in my life let me get a handle on my depression, where more traditional sorts of therapy had me struggling to feel or not feel something.

So I can say that CBT can have remarkable results but of course it depends on the individual and how they feel comfortable approaching problems. I was lucky in that I’ve always tried to be self-aware and rational so CBT played right to my strengths. Other people will have other strengths, obviously.

So yes, I think CBT can be a good first response but there’s no right response for everyone. Sometimes that’s CBT, sometimes that’s the little pink pill, sometimes it’s analysis, sometimes it’s everything. Sometimes it’s luck.

39

My argument is not with people who are successfully treated with medication. My argument is with healthcare professionals who will ONLY treat patients with anxiety and depression with medication, without ever mentioning that there are other, effective alternatives that can be used alone or in conjunction with medication. In the absence of good education from healthcare professionals, people tend to think that depression and anxiety must be treated with medication, and that just isn’t the whole story.

While on medication for anxiety and/or depression (and they do seem to go hand-in-hand), a patient should also be in cognitive therapy to learn coping skills that they haven’t yet developed in life so that they can some day live a “normal” life without medication*. A doctor who treats an anxious and/or depressed patient with medication only without recommending and informing them of CBT is, in my opinion, guilty of not doing what is best for their patient.

If you want to know my personal history with doctors, medications, and CBT, I would be happy to email you, Zoe, but this is not the place for it here.

*There may always be people who might need some form of medication all their lives. Most patients with anxiety and/or depression respond excellently to CBT and can reduce or eliminate their medications at some point. Again, standard disclaimer against starting, stopping, or changing medications without your doctor’s advice.

40

I disagree with your position regarding cyclists, but I agree with your position as quoted above.

As an old wise philosopher once noted…

We choose our happinesses in life, but we also choose our sadnesses too.

The choice is ours. For those of us who struggle to stay chirpy, the latest research indicates that a mild form of sporting lifestyle perks things up immensely. That is, proper disciplined training with proper training groups. Now don’t get me wrong - I’m not suggesting training for an Olympic 10K final… but there are groups now for people who suffer from clinical depression and other similar maladies who actually do full on athletics training - albeit not very well but that’s not the point. What happens after 45 minutes of warm up and intervals is your natural pain killers called endorphines kick in.

The research is showing without fail that people who regularly activate their endorphine production sweep away depression cycles very quickly.