Goddam self-pity won't leave me alone.

[Siege]

OK, time to pull out the stock link. Beware of Doug, a few years ago, I set up a support group for Dopers with depression called Cecil’s Place. If you’re not already signed up there, feel free to give it a shot.

I’m over 40. I’ve been fighting depression all my life, and it’s only during the past few years that I’ve started to get out of the habit of thinking I’m a worthless waste of protoplasm. I’ve been where you are, worked my way through it, and the t-shirt wasn’t worth it! Three years ago, I’d been laid off for several months, two of my closest friends were in the process of moving 600 miles away, I’d walked out of my church, and some members of a Christian message board were telling me I was going to hell and taking others with me because of my beliefs. What’s really sad is that wasn’t even the low point of my life. I know life can stink worse than a dead skunk lying next to the local sewage plant.

You’re going to want to get out the Swiss Army knife, but I don’t advise it. Someone’s tried that before and I didn’t take well to it then, and that was when I thought I was worth somewhat less than the aforementioned dead skunk. I’ve been in therapy twice in my life: once when I hit rock-bottom, and once for about a year three years ago. It helped. The second time, it took a ton of work just to find a therapist who was taking patients, but it worked. Life’s a lot better than it was three years ago. I had to back off on my ambitions for a while and, even though I’m a dead good programmer, I took a job as an administrative assistant with a lousy boss to keep a roof over my head and food on the table. I also, eventually, got a better job back in IT, although it doesn’t pay what the old one did. I even, to my surprise, found someone who seems to find me attractive and wants me around. That’s the only trace of insanity I’ve detected in him.

You know what I’m going to tell you, I suspect. It’s probably something you don’t want to hear because you know it won’t work. At my worst, I wouldn’t have believed it either. Still, I’m going to write it, and even if you don’t read it, maybe someone else will. Addicts use the phrase “one day at a time”. There’ve been days when I haven’t been able to face an entire day; I’ve had to resort to minutes or hours. Go out. Do something, no matter how futile it sounds. If I knew you personally, I’d haul you off to do something unusual because I know how difficult it is to break out and do something on your own. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done it. Go some place you’ve never been before; read something totally different from what you normally do. Five years ago, I dragged myself to a Mensa Regional Gathering (RG) because I’d told new friends I’d go, even though I didn’t particularly like the Mensans I knew when I’d lived in a different state and had been rather badly burned by people I thought were friends. I told myself I’d stay a polite three hours and leave. Instead, these people have become some of my closest friends and I met the fellow I’m dating at one. I didn’t think it would work. I was wrong.

Yes, life stinks sometimes. Forget stinks, as I said earlier, it downright reeks to high heaven and you figure no one’s going to get near you because of the stench. Life’s pretty good right now, but those voices still creep into my head whispering that I’m stupid, useless, worthless. Do what you need to anyway. If you have to take a step back, so be it. It hurt like helll when I did, but it beat lying down and dying. Besides, I have tried that; it didn’t work. Self pity’s tempting, but it’s a miserable way to live. It’s a cliche, but it’s true: you’re the only one who can change things. It’s dead tough, and it fails sometimes; hell sometimes, it blows up in your face. Still, while I can recommend an on-line group and make a few other suggestions, I can’t do anything to change you. The choice is ultimately yours, as I’ve had to learn the hard way about myself. I won’t even ask you what you want to do about it because I remember the times I would have replied, “Want? Why does that matter? It’s not like I stand a chance of getting what I want.” Give it a shot, anyway. You may be pleasantly surprised. I assure you, it’s more likely than winning the PowerBall or getting hit by a meteorite.

Good luck, and I am sorry your life stinks.
CJ

[Shirley_Ujest]

[QUOTE=Creative_Munster]

[QUOTE=Shirley Ujest]
Y’know like masterbating in public while on ecstasy and listening to the 1812 overture.

That’s illegal? It’s the only thing I have found that even begins to cure my depression. Bummer.

This is still legal* if you purchase an annual Public Masterbation Pass .

*not where you live.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@Boo Boo Foo

<snip>

The research is showing without fail that people who regularly activate their endorphine production sweep away depression cycles very quickly.

I second this. Natural sunlight also decreases depression. Food for thought (literally) - positive thinking activates the same areas of the brain that are affected by SSRIs. Interesting, huh?

[Kalhoun]

If you decide to take Siege’s advice and “do” something, you might also consider “doing” something for someone else. It has a way of getting your mind off yourself. It doesn’t have to be for someone who’s worse off than you, per se…it could be as simple as taking your grandmother shopping or walking your father’s dog when he’s out of town. It gives you a sense of purpose and takes the spotlight off your immediate problems. I highly recommend it.

[Johanna]

@featherlou

I second this. Natural sunlight also decreases depression. Food for thought (literally) - positive thinking activates the same areas of the brain that are affected by SSRIs. Interesting, huh?

Oh yeah, Positive Thinking, thanks, Norman. It’s funny. When I fall into the bottomless pit of despair, friends and family can’t believe it. They always say, How can this happen to you, Johanna? You’re the most positive thinking person we know, everyone always gets positive energy from you. It’s true. I like giving out positive energy to others. But often I find out I haven’t been giving any to myself… and for some reason it’s much harder work to give positiveness to myself than to others. Mustn’t be so lazy about it. <sigh> what hard work it is to love oneself.

[Siege]

I’ll second what Kalhoun said. Doing something for others can help. If your grandmother’s out of town and your father doesn’t own a dog, check the local paper – they often have a list of outfits looking for volunteers. Why not call up the local senior citizen’s home and arrange to read to patients – it at least seems to suit your interests. The trick is to jolt yourself out of the rut you’re in. It ain’t easy, but trust me, it beats lying on your back in a mental hospital.

CJ

[Kalhoun]

In your quest for volunteer work, you may actually stumble across something that you’re good at and enjoy!

[Cat_Whisperer]

@Johanna

<snip> what hard work it is to love oneself.

It really is. We’re always miles harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else in our lives. We don’t even give ourselves permission to be happy (well, I do now, but I didn’t for the longest time.)

[rivulus]

@Nithotep

My CBT therapist basically said, “to hell with your feelings. Let’s talk about concrete actions. Let’s talk about what specific thing you’re saying and doing.”

Taking a dry, rational look at specific, concrete things in my life let me get a handle on my depression, where more traditional sorts of therapy had me struggling to feel or not feel something.

One note of caution about CBT, however. Without careful guidance, it is possible to fall into the trap of believing you have to think and analyze your way out of depression. In my case, the accumulated guilt over having “distorted thinking patterns” resurge and paralyze me even after taking appropriate actions made my depression far worse. Furthermore, in my mind CBT reinforced the ever-so-helpful “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” and “snap out of it” mentality, which simply made me feel more of a failure than ever.

So… it would be prudent to consider your personality before choosing that particular course of treatment. Or any course of treatment, for that matter.

[Purd_Werfect]

I kind of eased up on myself when I realized that I was never going to be Mother Theresa. Even moreso when I realized that Mother Theresa was never even Mother Theresa.

Now I’m working on freeing the little prisoner inside who I’ve kept hidden away for decades, knowing that he was too worthless and despicable to be seen in the light of day.

Long way to go, but it’s not like I’m doing anything more worthwhile.

Things which have helped me considerably are cognitive therapy, which is outlined quite well in David Burns book, Feeling Good.

Prozac helped somewhat with the depression, but it was much less effective than the cognitive therapy. Brain chemicals can have a strong affect, but thought patterns can be very much a matter of habit, and can be changed. of course, one of the real bitches about depression is that it tends to stop a person from doing anything about it. I went off the meds for awhile but now take a minimal dose of Prozac, not for depression, but for obssessive thought.

I also found some good stuff in a book called Meeting The Shadow, which is a series of essays written by a wide range of people. As indicated by the title, it has a lot to do with coming to terms with the discrepancies between what we are and what we like to imagine ourselves as.

Of course, books and such can only do so much. I have a therapist who has helped me a lot, and I’m working on being social without it being a fucking trial of some sort.

As has been pointed out, if you’ve been with a therapist for over a decade and you haven’t found any traction, try a different therapist.

I haven’t read every post, so maybe I repeated other people’s posts. Regardless, I hope you feel better soon.

[JohnT]

@Beware of Doug

PS: I pit all of you out there who are any happier, better adjusted, or more fully self-realized than I am.

:shrug: Sorry for livin’, man.

[Purd_Werfect]

@JohnT

:shrug: Sorry for livin’, man.

Eh, you’ll get over it eventually.

[Cat_Whisperer]

Why take life seriously? You’ll never get out alive.

[JohnT]

Because it’s the only one you have? :dubious:

[Zoe]

Doug, out of all of this thread, maybe one of the most important things that you can see is that people are finding solutions. While you are not at fault for feeling overwhelmed, there are things that you can do to get help and to help yourself. I agree with those who support the thinking that what is right for one person is not necessarily right for another.

Although I see my psychiatrist for 20-30 minutes sessions every four to six weeks, the sessions are very practical and insightful about what is happening in my life as it is lived today. I have never advocated medicine without counselling and I don’t know of any reputable psychiatrists who treat patients without seeing them on a regular basis.

There are different kinds of depression and they are treated in different ways. Even one person can have more than one kind of depression at different times.

There have been times when I have not had the ability to participate fully in the choices made about my own therapy. I’m fortunate to have understanding family and someone whose professional judgment I can trust totally.

**Doug,**I hope that you find the right match and the help that is best for you.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@JohnT

Because it’s the only one you have? :dubious:

Even more reason NOT to take it too seriously.