Good Jokes!

which I’ll explain at the end.

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?
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Of COURSE you don’t KNOW, man, YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!

(The punchline should be said in an impassioned and tortured manner, and preferably up in the joke recipient’s face. Properly delivered, it can’t fail)

stoid

The bishop of Ipswich was renowned for replying to all bad tidings by saying, “Well…it could have been worse.” One day a deacon ran in with eyes bulging and face aghast. “Awful! Awful!” he shouted. “One of the parishioners came home last night and found his wife in bed with another man. The husband locked them both in the house and burned it to the ground.”

The bishop replied placidly, “Well…it could have been worse.” “Good grief,” said the deacon. “How could it possibly have been any worse?”

“Well,” mused the bishop, “if he had come home the night before last, he would have found me in bed with his wife.”

Two nuns have to paint the chapel, but the head nun says that they can’t get any aint on their penguin suits.

They had nothing else to wear, so they figured that being in a convent nobody could see them naked that would care.

So While they’re painting they get a knock at the door. They obviously couldn’t answer it so they yelled “Who is it?”

“Blind Man!” came the reply.

“He’s blind so he can’t see anything, we should take him in and give him a good place to stay!” They think to themselvs.

So they let the blind man in.

Upon entering the man says “Woah! Nice Bodies. Where should I put these blinds?”

You’re flying down the road in your canoe at 70 cows a minute, and you start running out of gas, so you pull into a gas station. How many donuts does it take to get to the moon?

None, because chickens don’t have lips.

If a canoe pulled up in your backyard and loses all four wheels how many pancakes would it take to fill a cathouse?

None, marshmellows don’t have bones.

If there are two trains, one heading west at 50 miles per hour, and the other heading east at 70 miles per hour, how many orange peels could you fit on a golf ball?

None, because everybody knows that frogs don’t eat pizza on Thursdays.

What is the difference between a duck?

Sponges, because firetrucks have wheels.

How many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?

None. Alligators can’t fly.

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.

Not really a joke, but it’s at least mildly amusing:

Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Thursday, which is Good Friday, we’re having a Father’s Day party for mother’s only. Admission is free, pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor.

Late one night in the middle of the day, two dead soldiers got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, pulled out their swords and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise, got up and shot the twice dead boys. If you don’t believe me, ask the blind man who saw it all, through a knothole in a wooden brick wall.

Gotta love High Times…


DISCLAIMER: This is a horrible, awful, no good, very bad joke. If you feel that your sensibilities might be violated by a horrible, awful, no good, very bad joke, read no further. Seriously.

One day a duck was walking along when he met an owl. Says the owl to the duck, “Why the long face?” The duck replies, “I don’t know what I am!!” “Well,” said the owl, “You have a bill, webbed feet, and you quack. You must be a duck!” Happy with the answer, the duck goes on his way.

Later that day a chicken was walking along when he met the same owl. Says the owl to the chicken, “Why are you crying?” The chicken sobbed, “I don’t know what I am!!” “Well,” said the owl, “You have a beak, feathers, and you lay eggs. You must be a chicken!” Happy with the answer, the chicken goes on her way.

The next day a skunk was walking along when he happened upon the owl. Says the owl to the skunk, “You look sad. What’s wrong?” The skunk cried, “I don’t know what I am!!” “Well,” said the owl, “You aren’t black, you aren’t white, and you smell like shit. You must be a Mexican!”

A lawyer was getting out of his beloved BMW when a car came speeding along and ripped the door of the car.

When the police arrived the irate man was jumping up and down and screaming about his Beemers door being mangled. The officer gets out and says you lawyers are so materialistic, really kill me, you are so mad about the car being damaged that you didn’t even notice that your arm has been ripped off too.

The lawyer looks down at his bloody stump and says oh my God where is my Rolex

A pirate walks into a bar, and he’s 100% nekkid except for a steering wheel attached to his crotch. he stands there and orders his drink and the bartender says “hey man, you’ve got a steering wheel attached to your crotch.” The pirate looks at him and exclaims “AAARRGH, and it be Drivin’ me Nuts!!!”

A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender notices his hook on his left hand, his peg leg, and his eye patch.

The bartender asks him about them, and he says give me one beer for each story and you got a deal…

The bartender agrees and gives him the 1st beer. The pirate takes a swig and start his story…

“Eye it was 10 years ago last week, we was in a storm, a mighty storm at that, and the boat was tosse and turning. Waves was splashin and lightning crackin, but the old girl held together! The storm lasted 2 hours and we almost mad it through, but before the storm ended, a giant waves knocked half me crew into the deep blue. The remaining crew threw down life boats for us, but not before a shark took off me leg!”

The bartender gets really excited and says “Wow! That was a great story… I bet the story about your hand is 10 times as good! Here’s your beer, I hope you don’t mind going on.”

“Nay I don’t mind tellin yah. We was transporting gold from South America to Europe. When we was attacked by other pirates. They boarded us, but they was no match for me and my trusty sabre! I was cutting them down left and right. My crew suffered damages but were mostly alright. Though we out classed them, they out numbered us and we couldn’t take them all. So I ordered 5 of me crewmen to go below and fire our cannons straight into their hull! It worked but their Captain managed to come aboard. He was a big fellow and was able to cut through my crew like paper. He come up to me and we had a huge sword fight! Our battle went on for about a hour. He was stronger but not as fast as me. In the end we had both finally made contact with the sword, I had driven me sword right throw his heart, but he pulled out a knife and stabbed it right through me hand.”

“Wow! That’s amazing! Here’s another beer, tell me about your eye!” the bartender exclaimed.

“Well It was calm and we had just pulled into port, I looked up at the sun and a seagull pooped into me eye.”

“Sea gull poop can blind you?” asked the bar tender.

“No, but it was the 1st day I had me hook!”

Non-joke…

Two seagulls were flying over St. Louis. One of them looks down and says, “Look, Charles, Chicago!”

(I always call those “jokes to make other people feel stupid”, and they work best when you have a “ringer” in the audience who busts out laughing)

Really, really evil, disturbing, disgusting joke…

Q: What do you get when you throw a baby in a blender?
A: An erection.

(Baby jokes are amusing… ::evil grin:: )

sorry all, but the ultimate sick joke to show up anyone who thought they had a bad one…

Q: What does an old Granny’s privates look like?

A: Ever open up a grilled cheese sandwich?

On a lonely country road a cop pulls over a car with 2 teenagers aboard. He walks up to the driver’s window and raps it with his nightstick. The smiling driver winds down the window and says “What’s the problem officer, I wasn’t speeding was I?”. The cop immediately smashes him in the face. As the driver nurses his broken nose the cop says “I’m the law here. You talk when I tell you to talk. Give me your licence and registration.” After inspecting them he hands them back and walks around to the passenger’s door. He taps on the window. The passenger winds down the window. The cop immediately smashes him in the face. The bleeding passenger says “Why did you do that? I didn’t say a word.” The cop says “Stop whining, you got what you wanted.” The passenger moans “What do you mean, I got what I wanted, you broke my nose?” The cop replies “Yeah but after I left you would have said - I wish he’d tried that shit on me!”

An old woman was riding the subway. At one stop an old man with a child boarded. The old man was talking to this child and by his accent he was of itallian decent:

“First Emma Cums, and then I come. Then there are two asses. Then I cum again. Then there are 2 more asses. Then I pee…”

After listening to this the old woman got very upset:

“Why you old pervert! That story isn’t appropriate to tell a child!”

The itallian gentleman put her in her place:

“You shoulda mind your own bizzniss! I am a trying to teacha my grandson how to spell Mississippi!”

First M comes, then I come. Then there are two S’s. Then I come again. Then there are 2 more S’s. Then I P, PI

The people requesting wierddave’s sickest joke remined me of the one I used to tell.
*** WARNING - Sick joke ahead…

A cabin boy was on duty at a fishing lodge the night a newly married couple checked in. This wasn’t unusual since not everyone that visited the senic lodge came to fish. He helped them get to their cabin and get settled in.

Bright and early the next morning the cabin boy sees the newly married man alone and fishing away. As the cabin boy performs his duties he keeps seeing this man. Sometimes on the dock, sometimes the shore, sometimes in a boat, but always fishing from the early morning until late at night. This behavior continues over the next week.

The cabin boy has had enough contact with the man (delivering box lunches, bait, etc.) that by the end of the week he decides to broach a personal question.

“Excuse me sir, aren’t you newly married?”

“That’s right” the man replied.

“I don’t mean to pry but if I just got married I’d be spending a lot of time in my cabin ‘having fun’ with my new wife.”

“Well, under normal circumstances I’d be doing the same thing but I have to tell you, my wife has gonorrhea.”

“Wow, I’m sorry to hear that” said the cabin boy, “and I don’t mean to be forward but you could always try the ‘back door’.”

“Now that’s certainly an idea but I’m sorry to say that my wife has diarrhea.”

“Oh” said the cabin boy undeterred, “how about some ‘oral action’?”

“She’s got pyorrhea too.”

“Wait a minute. If she’s got all those things wrong with her why did you marry her?”

“She’s got worms too I just LOVE to fish.”

Just a quick aside. I wasn’t sure of the spelling of some of the words in the joke so I jumped to Merriam-Webster online to check my spellings. After I got the first word I looked below the box presenting the word information and burst out laughing when I saw this link:

Get the Top 10 Most Popular Sites for “gonorrhea”

I didn’t click on it though…

Because there are 12 inches in a foot
Because you find a foot on a ruler
Because a ruler is Queen Elizabeth
Because Queen Elizabeth is a ship
Because ships sail the seas
Becasue the seas have fish
Because the fish have fins
Because the Fins fought the Russians
Because the Russians are red
Because firetrucks are rushin’, they’re red!

It’s A Small World

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was
behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked,
“What did he say?”

“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time
there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”

A woman visits her parish priest one morning to arrange a funeral for her husband, who had passed away suddenly the night before.

“I’m so sorry,” the priest told her, “And I know he’s with God now. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”

“Why, yes, Father, as a matter of fact, his last words were, ‘Please, Mary, I beg you, put down that gun!’”

I’m sorry, did I say I enjoy sick jokes? Nah, I enjoy evil jokes, the kind that ensure that the person who writes them - and the people who laugh at them - are going to hell…

Like these…

Q. What’s the best part about having sex with an 8-year-old girl?
A. You can flip her over and pretend she’s an 8-year-old boy.

Or…

Q. How does Jesus chew his nails?
A. Like this (start chewing on your wrist).

Or this one (best told in person)…

Q. What do you call this? (Stand straight, cross your legs at the shins, and spread your arms out wide)
A. A crappy way to spend Easter.

A man walks by a cemetary and hears one of Bethoven’s symphonies being playd backards… he thinks it odd but just keeps walking by.

The next day he walks by the cemetary again, he hears another one of Bethoven’s synphonies being played backwards… He thinks it very odd, but ignors it and goes on by.

The next day he walks by the same cemetary and hears ode to joy being played beackwards so he decides to ask the care taker, and he says

“Oh, that! That’s just Bethoven decomposing!”

Confusious say:

“Man who stand on toilet high on pot!”

“Man who smoke pot, choke on handle!”

“Man who fart in church, sit on pew!”

“Man who eat jelly bean, poop techni-color!”

“A duck who fly upside down is a quackup!”

You want to know the sickest joke in the world?
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How can you tell when your sister’s having her period?

Your daddy’s willy tastes funny.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I don’t doubt that that is the sickest joke I heard… and I did NOT want to hear it!!!

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender “Got any grapes?”

“NO! NOW GET OUT!” yells the bartender

The next day the duck walks into the same bar and asks “Got any grapes?”

“NO! NOW GET OUT! AND IF YOU COME BACK, I’LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE COUNTER!” yells the bartender

The next day the duck comes in and asks “Got any nails?”

“NO!” the bartender yells

So the duck asks “Good, got any grapes?”