Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around the city, keeping its SPEED over fifty. And if its SPEED dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called…The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down!
Lisa: We’re the MTv Generation. We feel neither highs nor lows.
Homer: Really? What’s it like?
Lisa: Meh.
“Our honors students will be rewarded with a trip to an archeological dig. Our detention students will be punished with a trip to an archeological dig.”
“There’s nary an animal that can escape a greased Scotsman!”
“Bonjour, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys!”
Everything’s coming up Milhouse!
Sideshow Bob: You do know I… used to have a…
[clears throat]
Sideshow Bob: problem… with trying to kill people?
Cecil Terwilliger: Goodness, I had no idea! For you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.
Sideshow Bob: Touche, Cecil.
Ned: And of course in Canada, the whole thing’s flip-flopped!
Moe: You go through life. You try to be nice to people. You resist the urge to punch them in the face. And for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you’re on a team. Well, I’m better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff’s loaded with nutrients. I … I can’t compete with that stuff.
Lisa: That’s specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, Lisa.
Secretary: Sir, there’s an unruly mob here to see you.
Mayor Quimby: Does it have an appointment?
Secretary: … Yes it does.
Bart: We have those in America. They’re called bullfrogs.
Australian Shopkeeper: That’s an odd name. I’d have called them “chazzwazzers”.
Homer: Stupid carbon rod. It’s all just a popularity contest!
Skinner: [sticking his head through the door] I phoned ahead!
(loosely paraphrased)
Homer dials 911
Automated voice: “You have reached the 911 automated voice system, please…”
Homer starts mashing the keys in frustration
Automated voice: “You have selected…REGICIDE…If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one…”
Homer, on the phone again, mashing the keys
Automated voice: “The fingers you have used to dial your phone… are too fat… please…”
Homer and Marge, in bed
Marge: “Homer, did you close the gate?”
Homer: “Pfft… Of course.”
Wind picks up, gate: SLAM SLAM
Marge: “Grrrrrr…”
Homer: “…OOhhhhhhh, you mean today.”
Lisa, sitting with her jazz idol, Bleeding Gums Murphy
Lisa: “Why do they call you ‘Bleeding Gums’ Murphy?”
BGM: “Ever been to a dentist?”
Lisa: “Sure.”
BGM: “Not me.”
Ned Flanders: “Now kids, today is a very special day. I have a surprise for you.”
Rod and Todd: “YAY!! YAY!! JUDGEMENT DAY!! JUDGEMENT DAY!!”
Mr. Burns: I’d like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?
Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
Chief Wiggum (to Ralph): What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?
Lionel Hutz: I’ve argued in front of every judge in this state - often as a lawyer!
Kodos: I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
Marge: Hmm, that’s Slick Willie for you, always with the smooth talk.
(Paraphrased)
Shelbyville Kid: If you’ve never been to school, what’s two plus two?
Bart, in disguise: Five.
Shelbyville Kid: Yeah, his story checks out.
“One trick is to tell stories that don’t go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m’shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you’d say. Now where was I… oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn’t get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…”
Homer: I’m tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!
Marge: How’s Bart’s tutoring going?
Lisa: Mom, the only thing Bart’s tutoring is guerilla warfare in Shelbyville.
Marge: Come again?
Lisa: Mom, Bart went with a bunch of kids to go wage war on Shelbyville.
Marge: Homer, come quick. Bart quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!
Helicopter Pilot: Welcome to Itchy and Scratchyland, where nothing can possib-lie go wrong. PossibLY go wrong. That’s the first thing that’s ever gone wrong.
Rangemaster: Well, since you attended public school I’m going to assume that you’re already proficient with small arms, so we’ll start you off with something a little more advanced.
George Stephanopoulos: Uh, Mr. President, sir, people are becoming a bit… confused by the way your and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.
Kodos: We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I’d like to hear it.
Reverend Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools! Now let’s say the Lord’s Prayer 40 times, but first, let’s pass the collection plate.
Jane: Would you rather have beer, or complete and utter contentment?
Homer: What kind of beer?
Lisa: Dad and all these other people are obviously the product of mental conditioning.
Bart: Yeah, maybe it’ll wear off, like his interest in CB radio.
Homer: That’s a negatory, good buddy!
Jazz is easy, they just make it up as they go along.
We need more “Bort” license plates in the gift shop. I repeat, we are sold out of “Bort” license plates.
Catch that human, he’s going to escape!
Get your paws off me, you…dirty ape!
He can talk! He can talk! He can talk!
I can SIIIIIIIING!
Das ist nicht eine boobie!
Oh yeah. That’s the best Abe quote ever. That whole onion thing makes me smile everytime I read or hear it.