“I’m a rageaholic! I’m addicted to rageahol!”
Jay: How do you sleep at night?
Ranier: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
Homer: D’oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer!
(As Homer strikes a statue of a deer with the car.)
“Love that spout medley!”
Possibly the worst catchphrase ever, after ‘Don’t have a cow, man!’.
They need to set fire to the 'Butterfinger ‘sodes’ and never speak of them again.
“I’d rather feel my wife’s warm breath on the back of my neck before i go to sleep than stick dollar bills in ladys’ g-strings…” - Homer
“I don’t mind you peeing in the shower, as long as you’re TAKING a shower!” - Marge
“You gave both dogs away?! You know how I feel about giving!”
“I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try.”
“Oh, um… I’m, uh, I’m on a road. Uh, looks to be asphalt. Um, ah geez. Trees. Shrubs. I’m directly under the Earth’s Sun… now!”
“Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a red… car of some sort, heading in the direction of… you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.”
“You don’t make friends with salad.”
Homer: “Now, we all know the 13 stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have exactly 47 stars?”
Apu: “Because this particular flag is ridiculously out of date. The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.”
Homer: “Uhmm. Partial credit.”
Ms. Krabappel: “Have you read ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf’?”
Bart: “I’m halfway through it, I swear!”
"When a fire starts to burn
There’s a lesson you must learn.
Something something
Then you’ll see
You’ll avoid catastrophe.
D’oh!"
Here’s one I use on my kids
HOMER: I promise you kids lots of things. That’s what makes me such a good father!
LISA: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
HOMER: No, that would make me a great father.
We’ve been separated for a day, and I’m as dirty as a Frenchman! In another few hours I’ll be dead!
“Mmmm… beer”
Abe Simpson
Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prizing, revitalizing tonic.
Well, I’ll be alright as long as I can remember my army training.
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Dang.
Albert Brooks had the best improv ever:
Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn’t I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there’s four places. There’s the Hammock Hut, that’s on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank Scorpio: There’s Hammocks-R-Us, that’s on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank Scorpio: That’s on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot… Matter of fact, they’re all in the same complex; it’s the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district!
Hank Scorpio: That’s right.
Hank Scorpio: Back to the hammocks, my friend. You know, there’s a little place called Mary Ann’s Hammocks. The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you.
[laughs]
Hank Scorpio: I’m just kidding.
Homer: Oh.
Hank Scorpio: You know who invented the hammock, Homer?
Homer: No.
Hank Scorpio: There’s something for you to do: find that out.
Duffman After Moe slaps a sticker over his face: Duffman! Can’t breathe.
It’s a Wonderful Life ep Mr. Burns: Does anyone have change for a button?
Moe: “Garage?! Ooh, la, la Mr. Frenchman.”
Homer: “What do you call it?”
Moe: “A car hole.”
Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word “tromboner”?
That reminds me- I don’t play trombone, but I’ve always wanted to start an all-trombone group and call it Bonerland Medical Association.
Homer: I’m not made of money! I’m made of man meat and a skeleton!
Lisa’s Pony:
Marge: You sound like you’re going to buy a pony. Promise me you won’t.
Homer: Mm.
Marge: What was that? Was that a yes or a no?
Homer: Buh!
Marge: Those aren’t even words!
Homer: Snuh!
Marge: Mmmmm. [turns off the light]
Mr. Burns: Any of these islands would make a fine new country!
Homer: I call president!
Mr. Burns: Vice president!
Smithers: [miserable] Ohhh…
(think back to your high school spares and what card game you played if you don’t get it…)
Willie: “The noozle! The noozle at the end of the hoose!”
“Nobody likes Milhouse!”
“The 'House always wins.”