Can we separate out the nookie aspect? Would it be just as bad if, say, the OP had cancelled a weekend with his son to sit by the bedside of a dying friend? To donate bone marrow to a cancer-stricken child? To attend a one-in-a-lifetime job interview?
I mean, if the son’s feelings really do come before everything else, it shouldn’t matter why the OP cancelled, should it?
[QUOTE=GuanoLad]
What an amazing and disappointing place the SDMB can be.
“Hmph. This is the first date I have had in ages, and damn, it didn’t go so well.”
“That’s because you’re a horrible father!!”
WTF?
[/QUOTE]
I think this comes from Joss Whedon. Angel season 3 for example. Lots of Whedon fans on this board.
[QUOTE=Rilchiam]
…“Nobody should come second. Sometimes the kids come first. Sometimes my spouse comes first. And sometimes I come first. But nobody’s second.”
…
[/QUOTE]
::golf clap::
I’m sorry you had to miss a weekend with your son Shakes.
A long time ago, a friend I respect very much told me something I will tell my children.
“I might take a girl from the bar home, but one has never met my parents.”
This led to a lot of conversations about how the people you meet at the bar are great to have a good time with, but not good relationship material. I changed this for men, and it worked out well for me. I had a great time, but none of them ever met my daughter, who was with a babysitter some of the time. (You can express your shock, I don’t care, my kids mean a lot to me, but I’m defined by much more than my children.)
I don’t have anything more to add to this thread that I haven’t already said.
I’m posting because some of you were wonderig why I had to scrap the whole weekend for an overnighter at best.
That was his Mom’s idea. She decided she wanted to spend some time with him and told me to just go ahead and pick him up next weekend.
[QUOTE=SHAKES]
I don’t have anything more to add to this thread that I haven’t already said.
I’m posting because some of you were wonderig why I had to scrap the whole weekend for an overnighter at best.
That was his Mom’s idea. She decided she wanted to spend some time with him and told me to just go ahead and pick him up next weekend.
[/QUOTE]
I had faith in ya, SHAKES.
[QUOTE=SHAKES]
I don’t have anything more to add to this thread that I haven’t already said.
[/QUOTE]
Well, FWIW, that’s a sucky experience you described, and I hope things go better next time.
Also, as the former kid of a dad who dated a lot, I certainly don’t begrudge you one weekend night with a girl, and I bet your son wouldn’t either.
Do something really fun with him this weekend, though. I wish to keep playing vicarious laser tag through Doper kids.
[QUOTE=Tenar]
I don’t know what SHAKES’ situation is vis-a-vis his ex is, but picking the kid up for visitation and leaving him with a sitter is not permitted under some people’s visitation orders (assuming that SHAKES has an order, and not an informal arrangement between him and his son’s mother). Some people have orders which specifically state that if the non-custodial parent is going to be unavailable for any part of the visitation period, the custodial parent gets first dibs on watching the child. Either way – by skipping the visit (and possibly disrupting plans which the child’s mother may have had for the weekend) or by engaging a babysitter – SHAKES is taking a chance on stirring up trouble with his son’s mother by dating on the weekend.
[/QUOTE]
I’m sure I could also come up with creative yet plausible scenarios making it impossible for someone to be able to have a kid at home and also go out on a date. So then what do you do if you have a kid living with you?
The thing is, having custody of your kid for the week-end should mean that your kid is living with you for the week-end - he’s living part-time with you, and you are responsible for him for the days he is living with you. Having custody of your child for the week-end should not mean “he can come and hang out with me if I have nothing better to do.”
[eta]By the way, this is not discussing the OP’s situation in particular, but the issue in general. Now the poster seems to be saying, if I understand it correctly, that it was his wife’s idea to cancel the week-end visit, not his. Of course if he has a free week-end he can do whatever he wants.
Just a question–not sure this has been answered but how old is SHAKES’s kid?
[QUOTE=Freudian Slit]
Just a question–not sure this has been answered but how old is SHAKES’s kid?
[/QUOTE]
I don’t think he has ever said specifically, just that he has been a parent for seven years. I don’t remember any references to older kids, so I am guessing his son is seven.
I’ve got your back, Shakes. You sound like a normal guy going through standard dating hassles and blowing off some steam. Every dating thread has the “you should have wrestled her bra off with your teeth while riding an armored bear” posts that call you a pussy for whatever reason. Just shrug 'em off.
Look, going on a date Saturday isn’t going to permanently cripple your child’s development. He’s going to grow up and live his own life, and when that happens, you need someone to live yours with, too. Make sure he understands that he is priority number one and everything will be kosher.
[QUOTE=Liberal]
Not the first, the hundredth. “I know I’ve told myself at least a hundred times I’m not going to get involved with women I meet at bars!” If he simply cannot discipline himself, why can’t he get his pieces of tail on week nights?
[/QUOTE]
'Cause he’s a man! Sisters, amiright?
SHAKES, I don’t think you did any bad thing here, either. I too don’t think that a parent’s world should absolutely, completely revolve around their children. That’s a recipe for disaster, for the parents and the child. You know how important your son is to you; I don’t see how not having him for a weekend is going to damage him permanently.
Plus, I think dating people you meet in bars after a certain age is risky, too. You need to meet a better class of people, like maybe with online dating. 
[QUOTE=Rascal’s Mom]
Okay, I am the poster child (parent) for putting my kids first. Have you read all of my posts in this thread? Clearly not. I reiterate: I did not have Date One until a year and a half after the divorce was FINAL. The first guy I dated steadily, for six months, only met my kids one time, and that was because my ex changed HIS plans. I fully expect that all parents should put their kids first. All. The. Time. I am just thinking maybe people should put this in perspective. Granted, I do not know how old the child is. I don’t recall the OP providing that information. But I don’t think any child is going to be damaged by having a babysitter one night. NOTE: I would not do this. I am not speaking for myself. I am not the OP. It would tear my heart out to think my kids are deprived of anything. Perspective?
[/QUOTE]
Oh good flipping grief. We sure as hell didn’t put our kids first all the time. They went to their grandparents sometimes, so we’d have some time alone. They even stayed with our just graduated nanny student when we went on a cruise. Adults need some time also. We got two good kids grown, and stayed happily married too.
When I was a kld I went to my grandparents with no ill effects.
The Modern Love column in the Times style section yesterday was by a woman who loved her daughter so much that she basically pushed any man who was interested in dating her (the mother) out the door until well into the teen years. That’s an example of someone putting the kid first, and I thought it was sick.
Lots of fathers see their kids only every other week. One weekend off wasn’t going to hurt anything, even at the last minute. If things had worked out, he might have been happier the next weekend.
[QUOTE=SHAKES]
I’ve already admitted this is exactly what I’ve should have done. Yes, I made a mistake. In all my years as a single parent (7) I’ve stood up my son exactly once. There have been a few instances where I had to go to work on emergencies but that’s it.
Fuck off dude, I’ve already stated numerous times that I wasn’t just out to get some ass. Do you even bother reading the posts or do yopu just like jumping to conclusions?
To tell you the truth some of you fuckers throwing stones seem to be the ones that feel their children are such a fucking burden. My divorce agreement states I’m only entitlerd to my son every other weekend. Thankfully, I’ve got a fairly decent ex-ife who lets me have him every weekend.
I do this becuase I look foward to seeing my son not because it’s a burden.
[/QUOTE]
IMO, you’re a damn good father - at least from the evidence here.
I’ve got a question - what are you looking for? Clearly not just nookie. What would have happened if you told her that you were getting hungry, and did she want to come to dinner after all? How about, when she made the crack about her ex-bf, saying something macho like :we can see if I can change that."?
My great experience is from years of my wife, after saying X, telling me she wanted me to tell her Y which is what she really wanted.
I forgot in my last post to also give SHAKES credit for keeping his relationship with the little guy’s mother civil and even apparently friendly. Good for you!
[QUOTE=Voyager]
Oh good flipping grief. We sure as hell didn’t put our kids first all the time. They went to their grandparents sometimes, so we’d have some time alone. They even stayed with our just graduated nanny student when we went on a cruise. Adults need some time also. We got two good kids grown, and stayed happily married too.
When I was a kld I went to my grandparents with no ill effects.
The Modern Love column in the Times style section yesterday was by a woman who loved her daughter so much that she basically pushed any man who was interested in dating her (the mother) out the door until well into the teen years. That’s an example of someone putting the kid first, and I thought it was sick.
Lots of fathers see their kids only every other week. One weekend off wasn’t going to hurt anything, even at the last minute. If things had worked out, he might have been happier the next weekend.
[/QUOTE]
You misunderstood, or I phrased it wrong, or whatever. I didn’t mean every minute of every day is devoted to them. It absolutely is not. I just meant that their wellbeing had to be considered no matter what my action is.
The Modern Love column - that’s not love. That’s pathological.
[QUOTE=SHAKES]
And as far as my child goes; re-read my post. I told you that I see my kid every weekend. I don’t know about you furt, but for me, it’s pretty fucking hard to find dates during the fucking work week. Are you suggesting I don’t have a life until my kid is all grown up and moved out on is own?
[/QUOTE]
That’s exactly what I did. Single father here. I didn’t date AT ALL for 11 years.
Only now that my daughter’s at the age where she wants friends more than her father do I find the time to have a girlfriend.
But that was just how I prioritized my life. YMMV.
[QUOTE=Priceguy]
And once again, the attraction of perpetual singlehood increases.
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=ForumBot]
I’ve got your back, Shakes. You sound like a normal guy going through standard dating hassles and blowing off some steam. Every dating thread has the “you should have wrestled her bra off with your teeth while riding an armored bear” posts that call you a pussy for whatever reason. Just shrug 'em off.
[/QUOTE]
Fuck it, if he was a real man he coulda wrestled the bra off of an armoured bear! 
[QUOTE=Malacandra]
Fuck it, if he was a real man he coulda wrestled the bra off of an armoured bear!
[/QUOTE]
Even more impressive is if it was an enamored bear!!