Lasik surgery
scares me, I have to admit
only got two eyes
Only got two eyes;
wouldn’t be a problem if
I weren’t a spider.
I weren’t a spider
and I weren’t a bug, either;
I were a human!
I were a human
We was also a human.
I aren’t do grammar.
I aren’t do grammar
And it don’t make some matter
Me prefer grandper
“Me prefer grandper,”
she said, so of course I left;
I don’t date idjits
I don’t date idjits
because the last time i tried
i was ten years out.
I was ten years out
And ended up in Dallas
In '73.
In '73
I was really just a kid
but now I’m older
But now I’m older
I have never been this old
Ever in my life.
“Ever In My Life”
Was title of Beatles song
'til John shortened it
'Til John shortened it
the cookie batter would not
ever come out right.
Ever come out right
the goal of some gay people
but not all, of course
But not all, of course
I’m not a pig, scoop up
Just 30 flavors
Just 30 flavors
Of lip balm is all I ask
For my simple tastes.
For my simple tastes
Just a jar of Jif and a
Box of Ritz crackers
Box of Ritz Crackers,
Pimento cheese and my own
Cold Coca-Cola.
Cold Coca-Cola
And Funky Cold Medina
Both must be kept chilled
Both must be kept cold
If they are kept way too hot
They’ll be joined all night.
They’ll be joined all night
because I used Super Glue
a terrible joke