Half-asleep talk: the Starship Enterprise butter extruder

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I love these stories. I apparently talk in my sleep a whole lot. Most of the time in English. A recent one involved a hotel room I was staying in. I took 4 Benadryl because I didn’t have anywhere to be the next day, and I love crazy Benadryl dreams. I’m laying down, playing on my laptop, waiting for it to kick in. Next thing I know, it’s morning-time, and my computer is laying with the hinge open, and on its side (like I always do for better cooling when I’m not using it). I find this curious, and my roommate proceeds to ask me what I remember from last night. “I went to bed is all.”

Roommate: Do you remember me coming in and waking you up?

Me: No.

RM: I came in and your computer was still on your stomach, so I asked you if you wanted to put it on the floor, and you were like ‘What computer?’ and I said ‘That one!’ and pointed to it. Then you said ‘What in the world are you talking about?’, and I touched your computer and said ‘THIS COMPUTER!’ and then you gave me a strange look and went back to sleep. Then I took it off your stomach and put it on the ground. You don’t remember any of that?

Me: No. Did you set it on its side like that?

RM: No. I just laid it down.

Me: Weird.

22

Got two for ya, thanks to an ex-boyfriend.

Maggenpye “Shh, stop talking.”
Ex, who’d been chatting, thinking I was awake. “Why?”
Maggenpye “You’re scaring the fairies at the bottom of the bed.”

Same set up as above - he was a talkative fella.
2)
Maggenpye, frightened: “I can’t talk to you now!”
Ex, “Why not?”
Maggenpye, very seriously. “Because I’m a Salamander.”

Because he woke me up both times to tell me these, I remember them with utter clarity. Victorian fairies and the magical fire dwelling Salamander.

23

Maggenpye Can I live in your dreams.

24

A friend’s father shared a room with his brother growing up, and one night when he (my friend’s father) was a teenager and in bed sound asleep, he suddenly sat up, sang two complete verses of the Star Spangled Banner, and lay down and went back to (apparent) sleep again. Even with his brother’s description of it, he still doesn’t believe he did it. But who would make up something as strange as that?

25

I’d give anything to remember what was going through my head as I shook my then-SO awake, shouting:

“I know it now! I know the SECRET OF THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR!”

…and then promptly went back to sleep.

26

Hee hee hee! All hail the salamander queen!

27

While on an extended job with my friend J, he reported this exchange:

Acid: (In a pitch perfect mitch hedberg impression) “Why are there so many windows?”

J: " What?"

Acid: “There are too many fuckin’ windows…”

J: (Looks at his laptop where he is PM some friends) “Oooookay…”

Acid: (Goes to the bathroom still mumbling about windows, returns to the main room and gets back in bed) “It would suck to have to clean em all, you should turn them off, fuckin’ windows.”

28

An exchange my g/f told me about;

Me; <something pornographic>

g/f; mmmmghhhgghhh

Me; <something pornographic>

g/f; mmmghghgmmghhh

Anyone guess where this one’s going? I found out about it only when my g/f commented on oral sex and I remarked that we’d not done that for a few months. She retorted we had, only a week or two ago (see above) :o

EDIT; Needless to say, I was asleep, she wasn’t.

29

You mean I’m not the only one who does this?

The Boy has a habit of nattering on incessantly as soon as it’s lights out, while I’m the type to drift off within seconds. Every so often, I’ll ramble something back at him as I’m drifting off… brilliant dialogue like:

“Yes, but that’s Mindy and no one likes her because she’s fat.”
“Oh, I know. PICKLES!”
“I’d really rather not go, if you don’t mind.”

My ex also claims that I’d have what seemed to be fully lucid conversations with him when he’d get home late from school/work… however, I’d have no memory of him coming home, let alone me waking up to chat with him for several minutes about his day.

30

I, too, love these threads. I even have been known to peruse the Something Awful forums for the sleep talk threads (and the ghost story threads) despite my rather advanced age. Not only for the absurdity of it all, the veritable extravaganza of nonsense, but because apparently I contribute my own stream of surrealism to the dark hours. My dreams are vivid, and frequently interesting (to me) and seem to start within moments of hovering on the edge between awake and asleep.

Apparently, I talk. But also, according to my husband, I’ve woken both him and myself up by laughing in my sleep. Among other things, I seem to like to talk about food, exclaiming:

I… don’t… like… ham.

Fish!

Have you tried the rockets yet? (Rockets=a kind of candy seen around Hallowe’en)

There are a lot more, but of course, I only remember the ones he’s told me about.

He says the most disturbing incident occurred when I sat up in bed, looked over at him, and said in a deep and portentous tone…

“Murdered.”

Imagine husband lying in bed, eyes wide open, sleepless for the rest of the night.

He says there’s lots more that he never thinks to jot down. Of course, I’m also one of those annoying people who come to bed claiming not to be the least bit tired, and yet, I’m asleep (and snoring) in ten minutes, while he lies there, thinking, worrying, and watching the clock turn from 11… 12… 1…

At least I try to keep him company with some conversation.

31

For some reason, half of my sleep talking is about food.

First episode: Acid Lamp tries to wake me up; as usual, I’m trying to do my “five more minutes” routine, but instead of asking for more time, I say “marshmallow” in the most contented voice you’ve ever heard. Like this: “mahr-shhhh-maallowwww.”

Second episode: I’m dead asleep, but apparently I sat up and happily exclaimed “POPCORN!!!” and dropped back to sleep. Yeah, no memory of that one either.

Third episode: This one was earlier than the other two, but I’m too lazy to edit. I think I’d heard something about storing sweaters in the freezer to keep them safe from moths on the television, and I was half asleep and chatting with Acid Lamp. He asks me where to put my coat, and then, in a lower, conspiratorial whisper, “in da freeeeeeeeezer.”

I say stupid stuff while I’m fully awake as well. You could hire me out for party tricks, bar mitzvahs and interventions; it’s that random and frequent.

32

I apparently sleep walked only once in my life, but when I was a small child, late one night my parents heard the door to the attached garage open and close. On investigating, my Father found me in the dark garage, standing between the two cars. When he said my name I replied “There’s no place to sleep in here.”

He took me back to bed and I had no memory of it in the morning. I guess even when I’m lost and sleepwalking I’m still pretty logical.

33

Im juliefoolie and I date sleeptalkers.

Boyfriend the first. (university days) I had a friend visiting, she had my room, my roommate was away, and thus her room was empty. After a night of drinking we (boyfreind the first and I) slept on the pull out couch in the living room. Sometime near morning he woke me up.
BF “We’re being transfered”
Me “What?”
BF “We know too much, we have to leave now?”
Me “What?”
BF It is vitally important you don’t ask questions.
Me. Wake up! Make sense!
BF Dont ask questions, don’t look back come with me now…Witness relocation. " He pulled me off th couch onto the floor.
As I stood up I noticed the pool of vomit all over the bed. We ended up sleeping on the floor in my roommates empty bedroom.

Current boyfriend… who I met this spring, then had a sort of long distance thing with this summer, then he moved in with me this fall. First night he is with me he turns somepoint thru the night and says “Is she in the cookie jar?”
Me “What?”
“Is she in the cookie jar?”
Me “Who?”
The ex wife?
Who’s ex wife? (admit, Im waking up and a little …concerned)
“Yours. Is she hiding in the cookie jar?”
Me: I dont have an ex wife.
BF: Oh well, I’ll go back to sleep then.

Many many more with this fellow. Usually they hinge on the theme that Im not taking my turn at poker, or on-line risk. I then point out that Im not playing Im sleeping. He takes it well, and goes back to sleep. One time, it was my time to get into the bullpen because the Jays were running out of pitchers. I needed to work on my fastball or something.

34

Bwah! I know what happened. I think we swapped clocks – I had that exact same experience, except it was trying to unlock my phone to turn off the goddamned alarm clock. Several times in a row. And I was late to work.

35

My wife and I go back and forth with this on occasion, but it holds true on practical grounds anyway.

She and I were laying in bed one night, both of us falling asleep. We were going back and forth between yawns, saying, “I love you like a leprechaun loves a pot o’ gold.” “I love you like hockey loves ice.” “I love you like warm loves puppies” . . . you get the idea.

But as we were getting even more and more sleepier, I wanted to blurt out something poetic before I fell completely asleep; something that reminded her that she’s my sunshine, that I always think of her:

“I love you like the dead love sunshine.” :smack:

What I meant to say was “like the day loves sunshine”, but if you think about it, I’m sure the dead wouldn’t mind another day to frolic in the the sunshine neither.

Tripler
Like, c’mon! Who in the afterlife wouldn’t like a little resurrection every now and then?

36

Hilarious and creepy! Got a good five-minute laugh out of that. Poor husband!

37

I come from a family of sleepwalkers; apparently it’s genetic. If I’m sleeping in some new place, I often jump out of bed and start kicking things, or scream. But in a well-known place, I get up and do something routine, and if someone comes around and talks to me, we can have a conversation. I don’t say really crazy things, just non sequitors or vague references to unspecified things.

If the temperature is warm, I go back to bed and don’t remember a thing. However, if the temperature is cold, I wake up, and it’s the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever experienced, even if no one has seen me. I just feel really stupid.

I do “half-sleep” talk when someone calls me and I have no desire to wake up (usually because of exhaustion). I’ll say “yes” to anything, just to get them to leave me alone. I’ve made promises that I’d otherwise never have made when in the “half-sleep” mode.

38

Back in high school, my girlfriend and I made a regular practice of sneaking out and going to each others’ houses late at night. One night, she had come over and we were sleeping on our designated couch (at the opposite end of the house from my parents/sisters). Apparently, the stress of worrying about getting caught was doing funny things to my brain, because I gave her a little squeeze and said:

Me: “Wer das Feuer scheut, muss kein Schmied werden.”*

Her: “What?”

Me: “What?”

Her: “…”

Me: “…um, did I just say something in German?”

Now, we were both a little confused, because I don’t speak a word of German. She DID speak a little German, and apparently the thing I said actually meant something. I still have no idea where it came from, but I like to think there’s a little corner of my subconscious that speaks twelve languages, can pick locks, and knows ten thousand digits of pi.

*The actual statement is lost in the mists of time. I found this one which roughly matches the length, complexity, and syntax of the original outburst.

39

Oh, you really don’t want to. Just take that on faith.

I’ve only sleepwalked once. That I know of.

My sister-in-law to be was having her very first visit with us, so naturally, we went camping - nothing to put a girl at her ease like sharing a one room cabin in the middle of nowhere, right?

We’d all been telling jokes and later, after everyone was asleep, SIL 2B woke to find someone hitting her foot repeatedly, quite hard, too.
SIL 2B “…?”
Maggenpye “So?”
SIL 2B “So…what?”
Maggenpye “What’s the punch line?”
SIL 2B "I don’t know.’
Maggenpye “Well, that’s pointless then.” (goes back to bed)

40

-Bump-

Come on, these are so funny I was literally wiping tears from my eyes (the two glasses of wine may have assisted) and no one’s posted for 15 hours? Please, someone have a crazy dream convo tonight and keep the funny coming!