Heh. I heard it as,
A guy starts to tell a joke at a party, “Two Jewish guys are walking down the street…”
An angry guest complains, “Oh, come on. Why do so many jokes start with Jews?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the joketeller, “I’ll start again. Muhammad and Akbar are on their way to Akbar’s son’s bar mitzvah…”
Nobody liked the ship’s bosun, because he was rude, arrogant, and worked the men like slaves. One day the ship was in drydock to have the barnacles scraped and new paint applied. The bosun stalked up and down the ship inspecting the men’s work. Leaning over the rail and glaring at a sailor on the scaffolding, he bellowed, “Sailor! You paint like I fuck!”
The sailor looked up and said, “Sorry, sir. Did I get some on my face?”
My wife called me at work and said she wanted to make spaghetti for dinner and asked if I minded going to the supermarket for some sauce. So I’m in the sauce aisle and pick up a jar with Paul Newman’s face on it. Then my cell phone rings. It’s the wife again. She says she wants to have a salad for dinner and would i pick up some dressing? So I’m in the dressing aisle and notice the bottles of dressing also have Paul Newman’s picture on them. I put the dressing in my basket and get another call from the wife. She wants to watch a movie after dinner, so would I be a dear and please bring home a DVD and some popcorn? I go down the popcorn aisle and there are also packages of popcorn with Paul Newman on them. I pull out my cell phone, call the wife, and I ask her,
“Say, did you hear anything on the news about Paul Newman being missing?”
I’d just like to remark that I’m sick of this stereotyping of people with O positive blood. :rolleyes:
A squad of infantry is on a mission behind enemy lines in the jungle for weeks, then months. The sergeant tells them, “Cheer up, boys… on Tuesday you’ll each get a change of underwear!” This actually improves morale quite a bit, as the men are all sweaty and filthy. Even the smallest creature comfort is something to look forward to.
Tuesday comes, and the sergeant says, “Well, we didn’t get the airdrop I was expecting. But I’m true to my word. Jenkins, you change with Smith. Smith, you change with Goldstein. Goldstein, you change with Nunez…”
Here’s your cigar back, I heard your baby died . . .
Back in the Old West a train is riding along when suddenly a gang rides up guns ablazin’ and they board the train. Jesse James fires a shot through the roof and speaks, slurring his words.
"I’m uh Jesse James (hic). We’re gonna uh rob all women and screw all men (hic).
A man in a derby says, “You mean you’re gonna rob all the men and screw all the women, dontcha?”
A lispy male voice calls out, “You shut up, Mr. James knows what’s he doing!”
The Big Bad Wolf leaped onto the forest path in front of Little Red Riding Hood. “Ha ha ha!” he roared. “I’m going to eat you!”
“Eat, eat, eat!” LRRH said furiously. “Doesn’t anyone fuck anymore?!”
Why did the baby cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.
Three baseball fans were walking down the street one day; one with a White Sox hat, one with a Cardinals hat, and one with a Cubs hat. While walking, they notice a hand protruding from a bush. Upon further examination, they notice that there is a dead naked woman in the bushes. They call the police and out of respect for the woman, each of them removes his hat to cover her naked body.
The Sox fan puts his hat on one of the woman’s breasts and the Cubs fan covers her other one with his hat. The Cards fan puts rests his hat over the woman’s “other” area.
The police arrive at the scene and begin to examine the body. One officer, notepad in hand, walks up to the woman, lifts up the Sox hat from the woman’s left breast, puts it back where it was and writes some notes in his pad. Then he lifts the Cubs hat from the woman’s right breast, puts it back, and jots a few notes in his pad.
The officer then lifts the Cards hat from the woman’s “other” area, puts it back, picks it up again, puts it back, and then picks it up and puts it back once more. The Cubs fan, astounded at the officer’s apparent perversion, says “Hey what are ya, some sort of pervert? Why did you pick that hat up and look at that woman’s privates three times?”
The officer turns to the Cubs fan and says, “Oh I’m sorry. I was just a bit confused. Usually when I look under a Cardinals hat, I find an asshole.”
In 1940s Chicago, two ward heelers are walking through a cemetery late on Election Day, looking at tombstones and writing down names to put on the ballots they’ll be stuffing into the late-returned ballot boxes. It begins to get dark but they still haven’t walked through the final section. Bob says to Seamus, “All right, let’s pack it in. We’ve got enough names now.”
Seamus says indignantly, “Like hell! These people here,” he gestures to the final section, “have just as much right to vote as the rest of them!”
Did you hear about the French soccer player whose roommate killed someone in their flat?
It was murder on Zidane’s floor.
:mad: What are you trying to say about Jewish underwear?
The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold; your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”
The lawyer thought about it for a moment and then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”.
Incredibly messed up. Don’t look inside this spoiler box. I mean, seriously, don’t do it, and if you do, don’t hold me responsible, cause I freakin’ told you so.
Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
“OMG!”, you’re saying, “rape is not funny!” To which I can only respond:
Unless you’re raping a clown.
This joke needs to be tailored to the audience it’s being told to in order to work. You need to insert the names of three of your own friends, preferably who are on hand to hear this joke, and one hot babe celebrity:
<friend #1>, <friend #2> and <friend #3> all eventually die and get to the gates of heaven.
When it’s <friend #1>'s turn to enter the pearly gates, St. Peter looks over the files regarding his life. “Tsk, tsk,” clucks St. Peter, “<friend #1>, you were good enough to escape frying in Hell, but you weren’t really all that nice. So, you may enter Heaven, BUT for all eternity, you must remain chained to this person as penance.” And the person in question turns out to be a nasty ugly brute with bad teeth, B.O. who spits a lot. Uncomfortably, <friend #1> enters the gates, attached to his brutish companion.
<friend #2> approaches the pearly gates and St. Peter checks his files and frowns. “You were just good enough to make it into Heaven, but seeing as some of the things you did were pretty questionable, you must spend all eternity chained to this person as penance.” And <friend #2> quite suddenly finds himself secured by a chain to an even uglier, grosser, more despicable ogre. And so <friend #2> resigns himself and walks into the gates.
Some time passes, and <friend #1> & <friend #2> happen to see <friend #3>, who has also gotten into Heaven. But <friend #3> is chained to <hot babe celebrity>! <friend #1 & 2> are steamed. After all, <friend #3> behaved no better than they did during his life. They each go back to the pearly gates and demand answers from St. Peter. “Why” they cry in unison, “Do we have to be chained for all eternity to these trolls when <friend #1> gets to be chained to <hot babe celebrity>??”
“Well,” St. Peter answers “During [his/her] life, <hot babe celebrity> was a very BAD person…”
A guy walks into a bar and he says “ouch!” 
How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. You got a problem with that?
I must be one sick bastard. It took me a minute to get, but I love it. I will be stealing this one.
I think I get it, but I’m not sure. Wanna help?
Presumably, the nine people who enjoy it are the rapists, and the one who doesn’t is the victim.