HELP broke up after a year long relationship

In My Humble Opinion (IMHO)
#1

my boyfriend and I recently broke up a month ago. we were together for a year. we were serious and committed so it’s the hardest thing i have bee going through. We talk here and there and check how each other is doing. We talk like friends but he is sending mixed signals. One day he can’t wait to see me, the next day he says we have no future. Then the next he posts a picture of our favorite quote and tells me to go look at it. He sends me pictures because he think’s i’ll like them and to make me smile and he tends to be sweet but can change the next day unexpectedly.

also he told me not to lie to him and make him feel like im giving him all my attention when i have someone else as my top person on a website but he has someone else as his top person on his website. so how does that make sense? he acts like he can be jealous but i can’t be. He acts like he cares about me and like we do have a future but can say other wise the next day. I really love him but i don’t know what his intentions are. i can’t read him completely! What do you guys think?

#2

Moderator Action

Welcome to the SDMB, Anonymous777.

The General Questions forum is for questions with factual answers. Questions seeking advice and opinions belong in our In My Humble Opinion (IMHO) forum. I will move this thread for you.

Moving thread from General Questions to In My Humble Opinion.

#3

This kind of thing happens all the time. People break up, but they’re not all the way ready let go, so they keep going back and forth in little ways. It’s annoying and unsettling. Try to move on. If he knew he wanted to get back together, he wouldn’t be sending these mixed signals.

#4

He’s struggling, same as you are. You both miss the intimacy of being close to each other and sharing your lives. Even if, intellectually you both acknowledge you’re moving on.

It’s admirable that you still care for each other enough, and are mature enough, to desire to remain friends. But part of that struggle is always going to be, too easily falling into that comfortable ease with one another, that couples have. Only to later recognize you’re probably sending mixed messages. And so withdraw a little at the next encounter.

You should not care who his number one is, or if he’s jealous or not. If you are feeling these things you probably need to take a step back. Dial back the contact, actively reduce the encounters. Doing so will allow you both to more effectively move on, to whatever is next for you both.

If you find you are unable to achieve this, I’d suggest you look harder at if you’re really committed to moving on, or actually wish to remain engaged with him, on some level.

#5

Let’s say you’re hungry and you really want some steak. You open up the fridge, to discover that there’s no steak. But there is some leftover chicken sitting there. Hmmm, not quite what you had in mind, but you’re hungry and it’s right there.

Depending on your mood, some days you’ll pick the chicken because it’s super convenient and you can’t be arsed to try and scare up some steak. Other days, you’ll go looking for steak, but reserve the right to get cranky if you return home with an empty stomach to discover someone else eyeing your leftovers.

In case it’s not crystal clear, Anonymous 777, in the scenario above, you’re the chicken. The question is: Do you want to be the chicken? Because there are people out there who love chicken, who will not pine over the steak that they think they’re missing out on.

#6

Exactly. And the best thing you can do for him and for you is to cut off contact, I would say. It feels cold and harsh to do so, and he may well complain that you are being cruel, but in the long run, it’s more kind. You’ll heal faster, and maybe somewhere down the road you’ll be able to be friends. At this point, your feelings are both just too raw to be able to tolerate on-again off-again contact.

#7

“Sex with the ex” is such a common scenario it’s cliche.

Unless the breakup was particularly nasty, some days you’l (he’ll) remember why you broke up, some days you’ll remember the good times, why you got together and stayed together.

The only real cure would be to move on and find someone better, or to finally have a complete and final breakup so bad that you don’t want to go back. The first one sounds like the less painful choice.

#8

How old are you and he?

#9

I think you should go out and have sex with lots of guys and girls and leave evidence of it on his doorstep to prove you’re over him.

#10

I’m guessing under 16 based upon the tone and form of the OP.
and ETA: I’m also guessing we will never know the answer, as I don’t expect the OP to come back.

#11

It very seldom works to stay friends with somebody after a breakup. One person is always hoping you’ll get back together. What he is doing is not nice and not fair to you and he isn’t really being a friend to you either. Also, he needs to grow up.

He has no motivation to change the way he is treating you, it’s working for him. He has your attention, you’re not going anywhere, he’s got you in his life on his terms and when he starts dating somebody else he can fall back on the ‘but we were broken up so you can’t be mad’ even though his mixed signals are keeping you tied to him.

He doesn’t want you but the doesn’t want anybody else to have you. You are like a toy to him, when he is done playing with you he wants to run off and play with somebody else. However, he wants you to be sitting on the shelf where he left you so when he comes back you are still there.

He may not be doing this maliciously, he may not even be aware of what he is doing, but the truth is he is stringing you along. The only way to win this game is to stop playing it. Dump this little boy and his games. Go find a man who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

Start dating other men, even if you don’t want to, go do it. You don’t have to sleep with them, you don’t even have to like them, just get out there and start dating. If he gets jealous that is his problem not yours. If he doesn’t like it that is his problem not yours. If he decides he wants you back make him earn it, if he doesn’t want you back you haven’t lost a thing.

Don’t live your live playing his game on his terms.
You deserve better.

#12

He is playing you for Yo Yo Girl. Draw you in, push you away, draw you in, push you away. This is usually a tactic of the passive-aggressive or the commitment-averse. I think the mixed messages is crazymaking. Bottom line is, it’s disrespectful to you. Your feelings toward him aren’t being taken into consideration at all.

#13

I am 16 ans he is 22. yes i know i knoe but we actually care and love each other. It’s not one of those relationships where the guy wants to take advantage of you. We had our lives planned but problems started happening

#14

@sahirrnee wow thank you somch for your advice. I don’t think he is aware of the damage he is causing becuase this is truly messing with my feelings! I clearly still love him so this is giving me hopes and i don’t to believe that if it’s true. I need to move on but it’s so hard!! He called me babe today… see this is what i am talking about guys! the way he addresses me too

#15

I’m not going to touch the potential legal issues, especially since you were probably 15 when you started dating.

Anyway, you’re a second-choice to him right now, as others have said. He’s still in touch with you because he wants to control you, or hop in bed with you, or both, but doesn’t actually want to date you, commit to you. Otherwise he wouldn’t run hot and cold, he’d get right back with you.

#16

If this is how he shows you that he loves you then neither of you know the meaning of the word.

#17

@ ferret herder i understand there are legal issues that come into play but that’s if you are having sex with that person. like i said he’s not kind of guy. he is respectful but what you are saying makes a lot of sense to me. I think he just wants to control me because he wants me for his future. he just doesn’t want to commit right now because he wants to enjoy until i am 18

#18

I told him that actually! becuase if he truly loved me like he said he did, wouldn’t he fight through the bad as well? @sihirrnee

#19

Anonymous, good luck to you and hang in there. Just remember to keep growing, keep learning from each new experience, and while it’s ok to cry, try to let them be tears of reflection and not self-pity.

I feel bad, and nearly every one of us here has been through the pain you are going through. Some of us are jaded about it and will tell you that you’re young, you need to grow up, get out there, etc. And that’s not necessarily bad advice. But I’ll just personally say that no matter how old you are, losing someone you love hurts. Maybe it hurts a little less once you have gone through it, or maybe it just feels like it hurts less because you are more used to it. I don’t know.

But I feel for you and wish you the best.

#20

@drewtwo99 Thank you so much. i appreciate it.

it does hurt, like never before and it broke me, this is why i’m here looking for honest advice on what I should do because I just didn’t know what to think.

This experience did reach me a lot and I know i deserve better than to cry all the time and be hurt. Thanks for your advice!