You have to consider (indeed, maybe in the back of your mind you are considering) whether your girlfriend would go back to that guy. Or someone like him. Some girls do end up gravitating toward guys who treat them badly, leaving the “nice” guys sputtering with rage over the inexplicable injustice of it all.
Sounds to me like your gut is telling you to think twice about this girl, and I don’t blame it (your gut, I mean).
ETA: you don’t mention whether still she’s on the rebound from this guy she dated a year ago. If she is–dude, seriously, assume crash position, 'cause you’re about to get injured.
If you can’t fuck girls who fucked losers, you should think about a “virgins only” dating list because tons of ex-boyfriends are ex-boyfriends because they were losers. And you won’t get to meet all of them.
I think it’s human, and understandable, and actually not a bad idea, to consider a potential mate’s past dating history when deciding whether to pursue a relationship. If she dated a completely repellent abusive loser with more issues than National Geographic, then sure, it makes sense to wonder (a) why she liked him then and/or (b) why she likes me now. Are your interests really the same? Are your communication styles? Your goals?
But what I found off-putting, and frankly a bit immature in the OP was the concentration on sex – “when I think that she had slept with that guy” – and the visceralness of the reaction – “I get literally sick to my stomach.” It “makes you ill” to think about “being” (sexually) with a woman who has “been” (sexually) with him.
That’s the point at which I fall firmly in the “get over it” camp. I have no respect for the idea that any person has some case of permanent cooties from safe sexual activity. (Obviously not talking about the real permanent cooties: STDs.) And I have can’t respect the POV that that even thinking about a potential partner’s sexual history – which is not really your business, and obviously can’t be changed – would make a person want to vomit.
If you’re concerned that her dating history does not bode well for your future because it shows poor judgment on her part, or a fundamental disconnect in what you each value – that’s one thing. That’s something worth considerig. But if you’re just grossing yourself out by imagining him putting his dirty dick in her – get over it.
There are questions that you don’t need to ask or have answered. For example, I don’t ask my boyfriend how many women he slept with before he met me. Am I a little curious? Yeah. Would his answer, no matter how high or low, have an impact on how I feel about him? Maybe. Do I really want to chance fucking up the best relationship I’ve ever had over a niggling curiosity? Hell no! And because I don’t ask those kind of things and I let his past stay in the past he does the same for me. I don’t have to explain the asshole I was engaged to for a short while in college or the one night stand I had with so-and-so or any of the other things I now recognize as mistakes and would rather not think about regularly. If you like her leave her past in the past and know that she is with you now, not that guy, so whatever happened between them (that isn’t communicable) doesn’t matter. If you can’t do that walk away and find a woman who is new in town and whose exes won’t be wandering the streets for you to meet at random.
I think you should blow a goat before the day is out. Then you’ll have something so repulsive in your own sexual history that you won’t be looking down on her because of the ex-bf.
Alternatively, you could grow the hell up.
I’m having a really hard time deciding what I think of this thread. I married a total loser. Grade A douchebag. I have a child with him that he never sees (partially out of his laziness, but now out of safety for both me and the child). It’s a long sad story that isn’t really needed here.
I did something that it is now taking me a few years to fix - get on with my life, go through the legalities of getting away from him, make major changes in career and where I live, and basically move on because I am better than what I was living in.
And it’s for nothing when it comes to dating other people because I might somehow still have his cooties on me?
(Please don’t ask me why) but recently I was watching some of that reality show with the Dugger family, that couple with 17 kids.
The oldest kid who is 20 was getting married and they chronicled his courtship with the girl. Neither had dated before and they both decided they would not have sex or even kiss until they were married. (Even when he proposed and she said yes he gave her a one armed hug from the side).
This seemed to have come about from his father’s (Jim Bob Dugger) parenting/religious stance that one must be pure for their partner before marriage. I wondered what would make someone feel so strongly about something like that.
It was later revealed that before Jim Bob and Mrs. Dugger met, Mrs. Dugger had previous relationships with other men. According to Jim Bob this caused a lot of grieveance in their marriage and he didn’t want his kids having those same problems.
It was really telling to see how his own insecurities led to forcing those insecurities into his children’s lives.
I get the impression that the OP (and presumably his girlfriend) are quite young. If so, there’s an excellent chance that neither of them are done sleeping with people they’ll regret later.
And I have to agree with **Jodi **that one of the things that jumped out at me (and gave me the impression of youth, and frankly annoyed me) from the OP was the focus on her having had sex with him. Hey, maybe he left it out, but I’m assuming he doesn’t sit in restaurants with her wondering if she also went there with him. It’s one thing to worry about her judgement, and another to ponder whether she’s “polluted” by having had sex with someone he disapproves of. The latter is not how grownups think about intimacy.
Sadly, there are men out there who are talking about me this way.
Bah, what are ya gonna do?
No two people see the same thing exactly the same way. And people change over time. And when people meet, they are on their best behaviour. And you’re not really supposed to see what she saw in him.
Plus, it was always good when she dated *total *losers. Made me look better in comparison.
I think it’s just a straight up jealousy/possessiveness thing that a lot of guys have in the early stages of their dating career. The fact that it centers on sex rather than the relationship is because young guys are very sex-focused, and because guys as a whole are very visual. Because of this, imagining your girlfriend having sweaty sex with her ex has a lot more traction in the insecure jealousy parts of your brain than imagining them having a really meaningful conversation about their hopes and dreams. Most of us outgrow this as we get more experience and confidence.
OP, don’t say anything to her and don’t let yourself get too worked up about it. If you find yourself imagining her with her ex, make yourself stop it. She’s with you now. Leave the past in the past.
I tend to agree with you and was thinking it all along… Just didn’t want to presume. I’m in my 50’s and it’s not fun for me to think of my husband balls deep in some other woman, so, I don’t. What I’ve come to find out over years of experience, and more sexual encounters than I care to admit, is that we all basically have sex the same ways, do the same things to each other and what makes it special with one person as opposed to another is the emotional part of the relationship. I had a “fuckbuddy” for a bit. I felt nothing deeper for him than friendship and the sex got boring pretty quickly. I’m with a man now I’ve been with for 5 years. Now both of them pretty much have sex the same ways, both able to bring me to good strong orgasms… I’m still not bored with the sex with the 5 years relationship guy because I love him. I daydream about making love with him… The other guy never enters my spank bank!
See, we’re attracted to each other - at first anyway - mostly as archetypes: manly-appearing men and womanly-appearing women. And in our culture, being a passive doormat makes you appear more like the womanly archetype, and being a douchebag and a user makes you appear more like the manly archetype.
All this makes up a dominant paradigm. And there are lot of sweet, smart people out there - men and women, btw - who are never ever going to subvert the dominant paradigm, because they’re afraid they’ll die homeless, smelly and alone.
I contend that really relating to each other as human beings is the hardest thing most of us will ever attempt to do in life. I say attempt, because social conditions mean most of us will not succeed for long, and quite a few not at all. We’re not set up for it.
Being a douche or a mat is a sad, but in a way, rational response to the way things are. It makes people at least feel they don’t have to fight like hell to be loved, get laid, be a BF/GF, be not-alone.
(Even when he proposed and she said yes he gave her a one armed hug from the side).