Last time: 2006 was slightly rewritten, so instead of being dead, Charlie’s just now trapped in the nothingness of time. Probably doesn’t even have a book to read or anything. Now that we’re back in whatever passes for the present around here, we pick up were we left off the episode before last:
Claire, Gretchen, Pink and Screams are debriefing about what happened during their night of kidnapping/hazing/murder attempts by their new sorority:
Screams: OMG, did Becky just disappear?
Pink: And you just healed a huge rod stuck through your chest?
Claire: Well, what about those tigers who were chasing you?
Gretchen: Wait, so Pink and Screams *weren’t *making out on the slaughtering slab?
Everyone looks at Gretchen
Gretchen: What? I just thought they were making out. Are you saying you weren’t?
Gretchen: Oh well…
Claire: They must have drugged us! Some drug where we wildly hallucinate yet remain conscious and otherwise unaffected. Let’s not tell anyone. Hey, my phone, I had it all along. Haitian, Haitian, c’mon, pick up… Hi, Rene? Claire. Whaddya mean, how did I know? Angela told me. Well, serves you right for trusting her…No, I won’t tell my dad. Anyhow, I have a favor to ask-can you come pick me and some friends up, we’re in an abandoned slaughterhouse in our pj’s? … yeah, they’re cute. OK, 20 minutes then.
Gretchen: Omg! Becky was really trying to kill me! Like she killed Annie! OMG, this is serious!
Claire: Gretchen, do not pull a West on me, don’t you f@$%# dare!
*Synathriel is tossing and turning in bed, and tosses his face right off; it’s Nathan waking up wondering where the hell he is. Knowing Nathan, it’s probably not the first time in his life he’s woken up in a strange woman’s trailer not remembering the last three days. Also probably not for the first time, he grabs his (or someone’s) pants and sneaks/flies away without so much as a “I’ll call you. No, really, I’ll call- VWOOMP." What a gentleman. *
- Back in LA, Mattlar’s discovered one of the drawbacks to being Matt Parkman. While Sylar can seemingly travel instantaneously from NY state to Costa Verda to DC to wherever he can piss off Noah the most, Matt still has to fly and drive to get to where he can do the most damage. Being as he’s deep undercover impersonating Matt, Sylar’s packed a bag too. Usually he just brings a menacing looking jacket when he travels. Anyhow, Mattlar’s at the airport , and Quinto’s ‘Sylar pretending to be Matt’ schtick bears a striking resemblance to Fox Mulder. Must be the tie.*
Sylar: The last thing I remember is Peter Petrelli stabbing me in the chin with a needle. And it hurt! So let’s find that little creep and see what he knows about where the rest of me is. Hey, what’s all this crap?
Matt: TSA security. Looking for terrorists and weapons and shampoo bottles filled with nitro
Sylar: Weapons. How primitive *throws his bag on the belt *
Beep Beep Beep Beep Red Alert! Red Alert!
Matt: Did we forget to put the shave cream in a baggie, Sylar?
TSA squad: There’s a weapon in your carryon-Get on the floor! *shove, smash, cuff, yank to his feet *
Matt: Did I accidentally make you pack my gun? Gee, I knew we should have put that gun in a baggie.
Sylar: You bastard! *to TSA guy *: ~~~
That wasn’t a gun in that bag. You are going to let me go now
TSA: Kiss my ass, freak. Take him to the latex room
Matt: You have my body, but I’m keeping the brain mojo, dickweed. Wow, do I really look like that in my underwear? Oooh, that’s gotta hurt…well, better you than me.
Back in Manhattan, someone crashed a subway, so Peter’s knee deep in trauma victims he can add to his wall of awesome. He heals some guy’s paralysis in the ambulance, then offloads him into the ER
Para-Partner: Wow, I thought that guy was paralyzed.
Peter: He got better
Partner: You look like hell
Peter: It’s like…my life force is draining…hey, Red Bull!* Glurp * OK, better now. Next victim!
Emma’s wandering around the ER triage in case someone needs a file
Doctor: Hey lady, keep pressure on this guy’s lacerated artery until a real doctor shows up.
Emma: I suppose I could suture this myself. I was a resident for 2 years 6 years ago. I’m sure I still remember everything…grabs sterile suture kit, opens it with her teeth…
Patient: Ewwwwwww, gross!
……and Emma makes with the sewing. Peter sees this and suspects Emma may not have fully shared about herself during their piano duets
*Somehow having got sprung from TSA custody (maybe Matt relented and fired up the mojo in exchange for a burrito), but barred from domestic air travel for the foreseeable future, Sylar and Matt the Great Gazoo are motoring across New Mexico when the tires go splat. Damn rental cars. Always pay attention during the pre-rental inspection, people. *
Matt: Did I make you drive over that busted whiskey bottle? Oops
Sylar: You little creep. yanks spares and tire irons from the trunk
Helpful local guy: Hey buddy, need a hand with that?
Sylar: Sure! and smashes the dude’s brains out with the tire iron
Matt: You killed him! You bastard!
Sylar: Hmmm…let’s check these prints on the murder weapon… nope, wasn’t me. Should I wipe those off, you think? How about this- you quit sabotaging me, I quit the ‘Badlands’ killing spree. Deal?
Matt: grumblegrumble, kicks the dirt Okay…I’ll be good…
Sylar: Don’t worry- I never have any problems with the police pestering me about my kills. But then, I don’t usually drag the bodies around in the trunk . Hey Hank, comfy back there?
*By the way, Evil Sylar has the emo bangs, too-just like amnesi-Sylar. I can see Nathler not getting a haircut since he’s shapeshifted into a guy with fairly funky hair at the best of times, but evil brain Sylar? Wouldn’t he still have that crappy 70’s hair from last season?
No, let’s just be glad the Fat Elvis hair is gone for good*
At the Sorority house:
Claire: About what happened at the slaughterhouse…
Claire: You know, the scavenger hunt??? The big impale-y stake??? You seeing Becky evaporate???
Screams: I don’t want to be in a sorority with girls who do acid. My mama warned me about people putting stuff in my drink
Noah: Here, have a kool-aid
Claire: Thanks for the mind wipes. Gretchen I can trust, these two fluffbunnies? Shit, did someone check their Twitter pages?
Noah: Of course. Now, you go with the Haitian back to your room
Claire: Dad,no, don’t erase Gretchen’s memory! Remember what I said at the Indian place? You wipe my girlfriend and I’m never speaking to you again!
Noah: Your who?
Noah: Don’t worry, he’s not going to erase her, he’s going to neutralize Becky if she shows up to hurt either of you. I trust you and Gretchen can fight off a fully visible sorority chick yourselves?
Claire: Wow, that’s really sensible.
Wow, its like someone’s been reading message boards filled with bitchy Heroes fans who deconstruct every episode with cries and lamentations of “Holy Shit Was That Ever Stupid, Hey, Why Didn’t They Do_______?” -but still keep watching the show anyhow
Clarie: C’mon Rene. Let’s go find Gretchen
Haitian: Yes, I will do the bidding of the little white girl. Why the hell do I ever come to the US anyhow?
Gretchen:I’m leaving, you’re cute and all, but not quite worth getting killed over. Can I take your sweater?
Claire: No, don’t leave me, you’re my only friend! OK, we can have sex. Now will you stay?
Haitian: Only friend? What about me? OK, I know I didn’t send a card on your birthday, I’m sorry! Waitaminute- sex? You two? Now I remember why I came back…
Gretchen: I’m flying back home. Moving down the hall, that wouldn’t be nearly dramatic enough an exit. Bye!
Samuel: Hi. Have you seen Becky?
Claire: Funny you should phrase it like that. No, haven’t seen her
Samuel: I’m her uncle
Claire: Really? You know that really doesn’t inspire trust, right? She killed my roommate
Samuel: We are all family, and I made a home for us, with a ferris wheel and waffles. We can protect you from people like Bennet. Your dad-he doesn’t understand people like us, he just hunts and kills us because we’re different. He’s really an asshole, I guess is what I’m saying. Wanna come live with us?
Claire: Gee, I do feel all lost and alone and abandoned…
Claire: Go on…
Samuel: Becky’s just a little girl with abilities like you who saw her parents killed protecting her from the people that hunt our kind. Like…your dad. He killed her father. She saw him do it. She may still have issues about that. So, any idea where Becky or your dad are?
About five minutes earlier
Noah: I am not letting Claire live in a place like this-they just let strange men like me wander in and out of girls’ rooms. Big rooms though, I can see why she wants to live here. *checks Becky’s closet * what’s with all the bridal pictures?
Becky: You killed my father, prepare to-
Noah: Oh shut up, you weren’t even born when that movie came out Taaaaaze
About five minutes later:
Samuel: So Claire, want to join my heroes separatist carny? Your dad’s an asshole, did I mention that?
Noah: Right here, Samuel. Still have some charge on this taser too.
Claire: Jeeze, Samuel, you think I’m that easy to manipulate? I know my dads a semi -moral killing machine, but that’s why I love him. He does it all to protect me!
Noah:* All that “I’m doing all this to protect you’ bullshit I’ve been giving her over the years is finally paying off, excellent!*
Peter: So, are you just a very observant clerk, or do you have medical training?
Emma: I was a resident here, until my little nephew died while I was babysitting him. So I quit.
Peter: Uh, huh? He died in an accident so you drop out of med school? It’s not like you were training to be a nanny or something, why drop out of medicine?.
Emma: That little girl, she’s choking, we have to save her!
Peter: Here, use my stethoscope
Peter: Duh, right. I’ll CPR
Emma: And I’ll stick this big honk’n needle into her lung…
Annie: * and I’ll just be over here throwing up*
Emma:…and she’s saved.
Peter: So, you should become a doctor again.
Emma: Sure, why not. As long as I never have to use a stethoscope, I’ll be great!
Back at the Burnt Toast, required stop on all Heroes cross country car trips
Sylar: You’ve been very good for the past thousand miles, so you can have some pie. Enjoy it? Good-now where’s my body?
Matt:You’re in my head-why the hell can’t you see for yourself?
Sylar: Surprisingly, you build a mean mental hard drive partition. Tell me, or I kill the lifer waitress. Or maybe the cute little one from last time I didn’t kill- I could sure use that 874billion TB hard drive of a memory of hers-where is she, anyhow? doodle doodle doodle
Matt: Screw you
Sylar: Can you smell anything coming from the trunk? Think we have room for one more?
Matt: Oh you scamp, fine. * and Matt cracks like a freaking egg.* You killed Petrelli, so I flushed your personality out of your unconscious body and made a replica Nathan with your weirdo abilities. There’s a senator running around who doesn’t remember people until he shakes their hand, and he accidentally electrocuted Chris Matthews during an interview, but otherwise, it’s working so far.
Sylar: I’m in the Senate? Oooh, this gets better and better. Hey lady! Get over here! Check please!
Matt: Yeah, come clean up his plate
Lynette: Keep your tie on, butthead… reading napkin doodles Son, don’t joke about shooting up a place in Texas. We’re a little sensitive about that this week. * Dials* Yeah, 9-1-1? We got a copycat here in the parking lot…
Matt: Don’t ever get shitty with the waitress Sylar, they have ways of making you pay. Did you happen to notice you doodled a threat to shoot the restaurant up and gave it to the waitress instead of 15%? Never tip less than 15, bud. Oh, look, she called the cops, ya cheapskate. Looks like every one in town came for this
Cops: Hands up!
Sylar: You bastard! You’ll die too if they shoot- are you crazy?
Matt:Hey, we’re gonna commit suicide by cop, wanna watch? Now reach for your non-existent gun…
Sylar: Hey, guns? Not a problem-it’s me!
Matt: No, it’s me. * This body don’t heal, buster. If I have to die so I can take you with me, that’s -well, not ideal, but for the greater good, I guess. See you in hell!
Sylar, * to cops: No! Don’t shoot! I’m unarmed!
Cops: This is Texas- you’re armed. Or from California
Matt: Let’s just reach into our jacket in a threatening manner…
Bang. Bang. BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!
Sylar: Ow! * Thud. Puddle. Quiet*
Matt: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and fades away
Cops: looks at plates: Hey, he is from California…
Ambulance crew: Well, I suppose we should try to keep him alive so he can die at the hospital-CLEAR!
Peter: Nathan, whats wrong?
Nathan: Hugs Peter
Peter: Don’t touch me!
Nathan: Right, the taser thing…Pete, I’m in trouble… I blacked out for three days, then I woke up in some chick’s beds in in a trailer in some freaky carnival, I don’t know how I got there -again! Help me!
Peter: C’mon… The only other time that happened was with Claire’s mom…hey, d’you think you got this one pregnant too?
Next time:Big honk’n spoilers: Mohinder finds a projector for his Coyote Sands home movies and tiffs with Samuel over film criticism; Peter finds Matt, Sylar, Nathan and/or whoever’s in the Nathan suit and figures a group hug/healing is in order; confused Nathan finds a Nathan shaped box.