Just remember that cigarettes are cool.
Here’s a question that was asked upthread: if your lives are so distant now, how’s it going to work if you date?
You’ve listed a million reasons you can’t see her. Dude, you’re in HS. Get a note from a teacher and swing by to say hi when she’s at lunch. (I was an honors student in HS, you won’t wreck your GPA by taking a bathroom/nurse break for a few minutes.)
Tons of good advice here. Why don’t you want to take it? Being scared is understandable, but the worst case scenario is that she’ll like you as a friend and nothing else. If she acts like an ass, it’s either because she’s a jerk, you have nothing in common, or you’re really weird. So drop the nightmare scenarios, and take the advice of many of the people in this thread that have chimed in.
When I was in HS, you talked to girls, left 'em notes, or called 'em. So now you have e-mail and Facebook. What’s wrong with a low-key message on either of those, casually inviting her to a snack after school with some friends, and see where it goes from there?
And seriously, you need to think this thing through before you go any further. If you can’t connect with her at school, how’s your dating life going to work? It’s not stalkerish to ask one of her friends if she’s dating anyone, or what she does after school.
Would it be hard to get one? If not, go for it.
If you are friends on Facebook, you should already have plenty of things to work with. Does she work? Is her job listed? You could just drop in one day at work. I know there are bands, movies and other activites listed Facebook, so just use that as a basis for some kind of conversation if you get nervous and can’t think of anything to say.
If you are worried about seeming kind of stalkerish at the carpool area, if anyone asks, say your car won’t start and you are waiting for a ride. You can always go back to your car “to see if it will start this time” if anyone gets all up in your business. And, it’s such a lame excuse, no one will question it.
Oh, and avoid phrases like “all up in your business” at all costs.
If you don’t stop using that sig we are going to track her down and tell her what you are really like.
A lot of us with a lot more age than you will tell you that most of our regrets are from not doing something rather than something that went wrong. Its simple. Start talking to her. Doesn’t matter where or how. The Facebook thing seems like a start. The worst that can happen is you are rejected. It seems bad now but it really isn’t. Just move on to the next one. I wish I had done that more. I was never rejected but it probably eliminated a lot of potential good times too. Stop thinking about it and do it.
To inject a little reality into it, if you are good looking and she is attracted to you, you are less likely to come off as creepy. If you are the type that she is not instantly attracted to all is not lost. You may be able to get to where you want but you will have to be friends first. A lot of women are not fixated on looks but in high school it is a little different.
Dude - this is not going well. All I’m seeing are excuses to justify doing nothing! You know you want to speak to this girl, and you know you’re going to be so hacked off if you don’t so, for the love of all that is holy, please just do something! I’m not going to offer you any specific advice, 'cos you’ve received a lot of good ideas already and I keep my Hot Stuff™ for myself.
How about this. It’s almost midday Sunday GMT here. Why not strike a deal that you’ll take some **positive ** action in the next 24 hours. Just reply in the affirmative and all the worry is off your shoulders. You know you will do something, so the stress of “should I?/shouldn’t I?” is gone.
Next, you need to draw up the (feasible) suggestions so far, numbered from one to X. Then roll a dice or something. The schedule of when you carry out the suggestion will pretty much be defined by itself. If it’s an online type thing, anytime is good - as long as it’s within 24 hours. If it’s a face to face, just make sure it happens tomorrow.
Your inexperience here meant that whatever ‘thought through’ solution you chose would be pretty much random, so why not go real random?
Finally, you have to take a step backwards and outwards on this. Forget it’s you receiving the advice, imagine it’s one of your mates. This is a perfect example of overthinking. What would you say to him to get his arse in gear?
trm
This is every young man’s dilemma. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. All shy people go through your dilemma, and really there is only solution: the one that is so difficult for you. You either pluck up courage and do something, or you don’t. As you have been advised there are many possible routes, but it all comes down to that first deep breath - and then doing it!
You may feel uncertain about this situation, but one thing I’d like to draw to your attention is that you’ve obviously got balls. You have been pitted mercilessly about your ‘valete’, and a lesser man would have caved in, but you stood your ground. You come across as a strong, reasonable character. You can handle on-line interactions, so let Facebook be your friend. I’d ask her if she’d like to meet up sometime, without being very specific. You’re not formally asking her for a date, so there’s no obvious preconceptions. If she says ‘yes’, take it from there. If she is negative about it: well, you tried.
Contrary to a lot of posts, personally I wouldn’t pre-prepare anything too much. You say she is a friend on Facebook, so you know that there is at least a small degree of compatability. When you meet, you’ll soon find out if there is a big enough connection to take it further. The only advice I’d give when you meet her (because you will - you will!) is to ask her about herself. Don’t rabbit on endlessly about yourself unless she asks you; but I’m sure you know this.
Good luck. And let us know how it goes.
ETA: While composing, trmatthe posted very much the same as me. He speaks the truth. Go for it!
All I can really say is that if you don’t do anything now, overcome your fear and excuses for not talking to girls in real life, you’ll end up like me.
Living in Australia with a gorgeous girl you met on the internet.
Well…It’s not that bad I suppose.
Only other thing I can say is that if you don’t come into contact in any realistic kind of way, whatever you do it’s going to be kinda creepy. There are things suggested that you can to make it less so, but there’s still going to be a moment of awkwardness that you just simply have to overcome.
Well, not ‘have to’, but anyway…
Point taken, but be aware that her comfort level is the issue.
Hmm, a “date” already. I don’t think you need to go there just yet, but I’m a Yank. What’s typical in your neck of the woods?
A film is probably a bad choice, IMO. Looking at the screen=not focusing on each other. I don’t mean that it has to be 100% mutual scrutiny, but a movie date gives less time to converse. Maybe you’re a movie-phile and the convo after would tell you something. But how about grabbing something to eat, maybe at a little place you know?
There you go. At some point in the conversation, you bring up this singer. Cut loose descriptively. What’s your favorite song by her? Why do you like her? How did you find out about her? Any chance she’ll be performing in your area. Show her that it isn’t just a line and she’ll get to know you a bit…
“I like Blümchen—did I pronounce that right?” (Help ensues) “Do you have any recommendations of singers with similar stuff for me? Well, who’s your favorite?”
Engage. Don’t think you have to carry the convo, either. If you’re lucky, she’ll have plenty of opinions. Don’t worry about her getting off-track. If this singer leads to a discussion about the town she grew up in, great. The point, from your perspective, is to learn what you can about her and give her some insight into who you are.
ETA: That Blümchen is a babe!
Don’t send her a package containing your left ear. That’s for later.
Do NOT Facebook her. Talk to her in person.
There is time for you to contact her. You can make the time. Before class is good, because it will leave little time for the conversation to go wrong.
You: “Hi, <Cute Girl>. Do you have a second?” (smile)
CG then either [ol][li]giggles,[]runs away screaming[]pulls out can of Mace[]says, “Sure”.[/ol]You: “I have tickets to the semi-finals of the World Knitting Championship Friday. Would you like to come?”[/li]
CG will then respond using one or more of the following: [list=a][li]“Not in a million years, loser.” Should she so respond, smile graciously and go away, You may or may not choose to spread rumors that she was born a man.[]“Sorry, I’m busy.” Here, you have options. If she gives a specific reason (“I always spend Fridays volunteering at the Richard Gere Gerbil Rescue Center”), then you respond “OK, how about a week from Saturday? We can go put flowers on Madonna’s grave.” (If she points out that Madonna is alive, smile mysteriously and tell her to ask you again on Tuesday. This will make sure that she remembers your name.)[/li]
If she does not give a reason, back off gracefully, and ask her again about a week later.[li]If she says, “I’m seeing someone”. You say "Does he know how lucky he is? When he forgets, I got dibs’. Then smile warmly, say good-bye, and again, ask her again, only two weeks later. Or -“Sure”.[/list][/li]Dating is a game of playing the odds, and developing a thick skin for rejection. Hit on everything even remotely attractive. A certain percentage of the time, you hit the jackpot.
You are over-thinking this. Just ask her.
Regards,
Shodan
Dude, walk up an talk to her. None of this pussy Facebook stuff. Cute girls get millions of guys who walk right up and talk to them. They are used to it. Sometimes they say “yes” to them. You aren’t doing anything creepy or unusual. Interested guys go talk to cute girls. Thats what they are expecting and thats what all those guys who have hot girlfriends have learned to do.
You’ve got a conversation starter and it’s not too hard to plan a way to escalate things (though I think a very casual date- perhaps something as part of a group- is best.)
Anyway, always look at the best case/worst case scenarios.
Option 1 You talk to her. Worst case: she doesn’t go out with you. Best case:* she goes out with you. *
Option 2 You don’t talk to her. Worst case: she doesn’t go out with you. Best case: she doesn’t go out with you.
I think the winner is clear.
Dammit, where were all you guys when I was 16. Geez, advice like this could have changed my whole life!
Voxxxy, pay attention, people are speaking truth and wisdom to you here!
If you’re friends with her on facebook, then you have a veritable arsenal of knowledge with which to make small talk. Remember to let her do most of the talking. Everything she says will be interesting, so act appropriately. Ask her some questions. Express interest in things she’s interested in. Learn about them in advance if you must. Google is your freind in this regard.
People looove other people being interested in what they say. Use this to your advantage.
One last thing:
The pain of rejection lasts days or weeks.
The pain of not knowing how things might have turned out if you had acted is a festering sore that never really heals. Just gets less acute over time, as you learn to get used to it. Ask me ho I know this.
Now you choose.
Take up smoking. Buy a leather jacket. Steal a car (a coool car, not your dad’s Taurus). Go to her house, ask if she’d like to join you to watch the sunrise…in Veracruz. On the way to Mexico, rob a liquor store.
That’ll get her attention.
Do kids still have their friends pass notes for them in study hall?
Girls seem to like unicorns and babies. Maybe you can have one of your buddies wear a unicorn outfit and you can ride him up to her while dressed like a giant baby. That shouldn’t e creepy.
I like the invasion of Poland idea the best but in lieu of that, how about a note? Maybe I’m reaching way too far back to my own school days but could you get a note to her? Nothing too incriminating if she decided to show it around just something like, “Hey Gerda, I never get a chance to talk to you but I’d like to… Wanna go out after school one day for a (whatever kids do after school these days)? Vox”.
I’ll add that you actually have to honestly like the singer/movie/book/whatever in common. Not that I think you’re faking the like for the singer, Vox… but I can tall you what happens if you do fake it.
When I was in high school, there was this girl. Japanese-Canadian. Gorgeous. Smart. She was a cheerleader and got straight-A’s in physics and math, if you get my drift. How could I get the attention of this creature? Simple. Learn Japanese! So I did things like making art projects covered in Japanese writing (that project got hung in the school library). Taking karate. Learning about Japan and its history.
But I never quite got up the nerve to ask her out an any sort of sane and sensible way. So all the interest was in vain.
Actually, that’s not quite true; one time in grade 13, I think, I organized a bit of a party at my place, and invited her and a bunch of other people. All the rest cancelled. So, unable to imagine that she would actually want to be there by herself, I cancelled the party. :smack: I remember being so roiled up in confusion and frustration that I ran out the back door of the house screaming and around the block just from sheer pent-up craziness.
I now wonder whether I in fact had any sort of chance. My own internal emotional storms were so intense that I literally couldn’t get outside the emotions enough to actually perceive the other person as themselves and see what they were actually doing and how they were reacting to things. I didn’t learn to do that until much later.
I ended up with a life-long interest in Japan, but no dates until much later.
Well, for something eventually.
What exactly do you mean by “grabbing a bite to eat”? An actual dinner date sounds way too formal, and there aren’t really any non-sit-down places around that you would want to take someone to, unless Burger King is your idea of a charming setting.
I think Facebook would be a better idea than a note.
I’m curious as to why you think this would be big problem. I’d say many, maybe even most, of the people at my school who are dating are dating someone from another school.
And for all the people suggesting “informal setting” and/or “group event”, what kinds of things, specifically, would you suggest? I can’t really think of anything. I don’t really know of any good place to “get a snack” with friends or who I would ask. I realize that I’m kind of “asking how to hang out”, but what can you do?
Valete,
Vox Imperatoris
You creepy, weird, stalkerish…sweet boy! You did all this for ME?! smooch
So the main questions seem to be:
Facebook: yes or no?
Socializing: group or twosome?
Where to go: movie, dinner for two, casual coffee/snack
I am voting for (1) first contact by Facebook, (2) group outing to (3) movies and casual dinner - no where more expensive than Johnny Rockets or maybe a mexican place.
I really have to disagree with lobotomyboy about the movie. I have always thought a date was pretty much standard to be dinner and a movie for many people. No, you aren’t conversing during the screen time, but it does give you something to talk about afterward and you start to figure out each other’s tastes and general attitude.
You could try something like Quizno’s. Decent, substantive food, and it gives you a chance to talk. Charm is what you make. (Disclaimer: I haven’t had a date in seven years, partially because I’m a complete coward when it comes to asking girls out. [And I’ve had terrible luck with the girls I like not liking me.])
Oy. Or, as the eponymous character in Roger Dodger says in the epilogue, “There’s nothing at stake. If there was a chance of you actually getting laid, then you’ve have a reason to be nervous…You guys can treat this like it’s a warmup.”
I’m still hoping you can learn it, though.
Excellent suggestion!
Stranger