And then you shoot everybody! You’ll never go down in the annuals of successful breakup-hood if you don’t shoot everybody.
[Then post it on YouTube with an invite to those who survive. Yeah, that’s the ticket! Plus don’t forget to link to it here, along with a copy of your manifesto. 
]
There’s another kind?
I don’t quite get this. Cheating on someone is okay if you plan on eventually breaking up with someone? How/when does someone decide a relationship will be ‘permanent’? Surely even a wedding ring doesn’t ensure that. I can understand being attracted to someone else, maybe cheating once then breaking up immediately. It sounds like this is something that he’s been doing over the past few years. And not just flirting, clearly. Hope his soon-to-be-ex got her HPV shots!
I am so in love with the Dope. I will NEVER!!! let the Dope go. If the Dope tries to break up with me, I will cling cling cling cling cling, lock myself in the bathroom, cry and threaten mayhem.
Because I need those singing clowns and chocolate penes* in my life.
*Also this may be the one and only opportunity in my entire existence to use this plural form of “penis.”
[ul][li]Suggest a threesome with her and your best friend. If she won’t agree, tell her you can’t be in a relationship with someone who isn’t open to new experiences.[/li]
If she agrees, tell her your dog is your best friend.
[li]Suggest that the relationship is in a rut. If she asks what you both can do to break out, ask her if she has ever tasted human flesh. [/li]
[li]Tell her that the real IntelSoldier has been replaced by a genetically-engineered replicant. Keep repeating, “Have we met?” [/li]
[li]Tell her the people on TV are sending you subliminal messages that maple syrup has magical powers of healing. Ask if you can borrow $500 to set up a tent ministry to promulgate your ideas. [/li]
[li]Ask if she wants to play hide and seek, and that she is “It”. Then move.[/li][/ul]
Regards,
Shodan
Move all your stuff out in the middle of the night and send her an email. Gotta love technology.
E-mail? E-MAIL???
That’s so 5 weeks ago. Drop a text on her I-Phone announcing your break up.
I Dmpn U. KthxBai!
Texting? Get with the times! Post it on her Facebook SuperWall.
Not all clowns sing, do they?
Sure they do. You just gotta rough ‘em up a little, maybe bust ‘em in the chops. They might start out playin’ the tough guy act but soon they’ll be singin’ like canaries.
Some of them have flavored chocolate penises.
Well, as long as they’re not chocolate-flavored penes- that shit’s just nasty.
Vanilla.
But it’s not as big.
There is no easy way to dump someone, there is no such thing. Just do it. Think like Nike.
On the Dope? Not hardly. 
If the guy’s in a clown suit and you haven’t heard him sing, he’s not a real clown. He’s just a guy with interesting taste in clothing.
Ignorance fought!
Give her a taste of her own medicine: try being even more clingy than she is. Maybe she’ll get creeped out and run away.
I’ve thought of doing this to women I’ve want to get rid of, but could never bring myself to.
Hit her with a shoe?
So, obviously, we have run IntelSoldier off with our unrestrained levity. But, if for some reason IS is still around, I, for one, would like to know if he’s pulled the plug yet. And if so, how did it go?
Probably the clean break is the best…but that being said, you mentioned she was in a play which tells me that she enjoys drama.
When I was in the dating scene and wanted to break up, I used to try to work it so the woman got the impression that she was the one who broke up with me. I always felt it left her with a feeling of being in charge and made her feel better about the whole thing.
There is the simple direct method - "I can’t take it any more. You’re thinking about leaving me aren’t you? I’ve seen the signs before and I don’t want to draw it out. Don’t lie, I’m stifling you, I lack your creativity, I’m shallow. I admit it. You’ve got all that stuff and I don’t. But I’ve got enough self-respect to leave a relationship before I am asked to leave. So good bye.
There is also the “I’ve found God” break. When she comes home from rehearsals and finds you on your knees with a number of people in a prayer circle, she will start thinking, “What have I got into?” Especially if you ask her to stop spending so much time with sinful “theater types.” Or what ever sinful “type” she might have been out with. There is the addendum to this - the religion you turn to could be offensive to hers, ie, if she is Jewish you turn to radical Islam, if she is Catholic, you find the Rev. Hagee interesting, etc.
There is the already alluded to paranoid type that can run off significant others. She gets a phone call and after she hangs up, “Who was that?” “You’ve been getting a lot of calls from a specific man haven’t you?” I’d like you home sooner after work," “You don’t look at me like you used to.” “Who have you been spending time with?” ---- This one has been known to backfire, however.
There is always the, “I think I may be gay, and I need time away to find out.” This can also backfire with the clingy type.
All of these require a certain amount of subtlry and finesse, which after reading your OP, you may not possess. The clean break is probably the best.
Finally there is the ploy of just leaving the computer on to this thread when you know she is coming into the room to use the computer.
Oh, you did that this morning?