How dare you… you condescending little schmuck! Perhaps you are not aware that I am fuming with rage after our little ‘disagreement’. The fact that we have not spoken for days should have been indication enough but NOoooooo, you have the audacity to ask me to prepare your ‘bag’ for your latest business venture. Oh the nerve… I’ve seen it all now! As if I exist on this planet for the sole purpose of micromanaging your pathetic, mundane presence. To add insult to injury, you left without saying a word. Well, my little mini man, I have this to say to you. YOU SUCK!!!
Aaaaaaah, much better. P.S. I wouldn’t use that toothbrush if I were you.
Errr…uh…toothbrush?
What the…?
who…where?
welcome to the boards?
what’s happening? Am I back at the house on the rock?
magdalene…hold me.
jarbaby
Umm yeah. Your rant could have been so much better. The organization sucked. You were way to jumpy. Almost a complete lack of details. Not a very good rant at all. We have no clue who your mad at whether it be a friend, loved one, relative. Who knows? The only bright part is the toothbrush. You’ve got my attention on that part. It gets a D+ just becaue of the toothbrush and you put some effort into. Looks like someone is going to have to retake Pit Ranting 101 over again.
But Tiki, this is like grading someone who’s just enrolled in the school! I don’t even know where Kopi’s locker is! Maybe, in the grand scheme of Kopi’s future here at SDMB this is a great, A+ rant. Maybe Kopi is a NUN! And to hear her (is it a her? We don’t know!) get this vicious and angry may be a pleasant surprise.
The toothbrush is a nice touch.
And “bag” preparation…is this a hint at sexual innuendo. Clearly, we’re interested enough to want more, which should warrant a higher grade.
thoughts?
I took the bag reference to mean drugs. But I can see how you got sex out of it. Hell, most of us would get a sexual reference out of going to church if we put it in quotes.
What I find funny is that that we’re all blasting away at how terrible the rant with the left hand, while critiquing it for hidden meaning like it was a work of Hemmingway with the right.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, all this talk of hands has left me horny.
Hell I figured bag just to mean she was packing the guys bags up for a business trip or something.
Ehhh maybe so. Just imagine a nun though shooting piss and fire like a real pit dweller. That’d make me wanna go to church a bit more often. I have to give the ‘mini man’ part a bit of credit too. I can’t help but think this poor guy is hung like an Sumo Wrestler…
Okay I’ll give her a C in my mind just because she is new. Dont expect any slack in the pit though. OH where is my frickin’ head? Welcome to the boards Kopi!
I didn’t think it was that bad of a rant. A trifle cryptic, but nothing a small bit of framing and a bit more detail couldn’t fix. Thus, I have provided a translation, courtesy of the Fenristronic Translator-5000 and the Amazing Kreskin:
My once-beloved,
Perhaps, you are unaware that I am fuming with rage after our recent fight. When you called me a skank-misteress, how else could I interpret it but as an attempt to insult me? The fact that I tried to castrate you with an electric chicken-carver might have been some indictation of my displeasure, but then, you were never quick on the uptake. And no…I don’t believe “Slutkitten” is a term of endearment.
Now, though, you have enraged me beyond all measure. By pretending the fight never happened and asking me to do you a favor without abject grovelling, you have sealed your fate. Without so much as a reference to our tiff, you asked me to pack your suitcase for a business trip down to Columbia wherein you will most likely traffic in illegal drugs, partake in nun-beatings and enjoy the services of underage ladies of negotiable virtue.
For some reason, I agreed to do pack your suitcase, but now that I’ve started, I shall take bloody revenge on you for your insensitive nature: no two socks will form a pair, I’ve knotted all your ties, I’ve smeared Ben-Gay in your underpants, and…y’know that urban legend about the toothbrush? It ain’t a legend anymore.
And, since you left without so much as a “Thank You”, I will mock the inferior size of your genitals.
Hope that helps.
Isn’t it said that embellishment is at the heart of good storytelling? No? I’m sure I read that somewhere…
This is kind of freaky, because I know somebody who talks just like Kopi when she gets angry. Sputter, fume, “There, I’m glad I got that off my chest. Don’t do it again!” Huh?
Ok, so as I see it we have the following:
-
Kopi and her(?) SO had a fight a few days ago. They’ve not spoken since.
-
SO, preparing to leave on a business venture, requests that Kopi pack a bag for him. This may involve sex or drugs. The toothbrush detail indicates that this is an overnight trip.
-
Kopi takes offense for the following reasons:
3.1 She’s still pissed about the previous unresolved argument (minor reason).
3.2 She’s tired of being treated like SO’s servant/mom (MAJOR reason).
-
While preparing SO’s “bag”, Kopi sabotages SO’s toothbrush (a detail about which the Dopers wish to hear much more)
-
SO leaves without saying goodbye, or even thanking her for her help, further annoying Kopi and possibly providing the proverbial straw leading to the current thread.
I think it’s a decent first try at a rant. Kopi is clearly enraged at the situation, but obviously too upset to rant clearly. She would have been better off waiting until she calmed down, so she could write more clearly and provide all the sordid little details that the denizens of the Pit require for sustenance.
If the above is accurate, I think Kopi’s situation is as much her fault as the SO’s. Perhaps more. It’s possible that SO doesn’t even realize there is a problem. Not speaking is not going to resolve any argument. If she feels taken advantage of, she needs to relate that to her SO.
Perhaps we should take time out to consider that Kopi is presenting us with a brilliant bit of satire, illustrating the age old practice of women crossing their arms and saying:
If you don’t know why I’m mad, I’m not going to tell you.
Surely, if we cared enough for Kopi, and her relationships we would simply KNOW what was bothering her.
I venture to say that Kopi wishes the women of this board who participate in this thread to feel, for a brief moment, what it’s like to be a tharn, defeated man, leaving for a business trip and not understanding why his life partner is denying him that last kiss before the plane leaves.
jarbaby
Now this, I can relate to!
This morning as I helped my husband pack for his road trip, (to NH for a bike rally- please keep him in your thoughts for a safe trip), I was barraged with “Honey, where are my socks? My jeans? My big toe?” At one point a few weeks ago I told him that you do not need a vagina to find things in our house, you just have to look a little. He disagrees and insists it’s the magic of my vagina that locates lost items. He now asks me to “bring my vagina over” and help him find something or to use my “uterine tracking device”.
This morning in exasperation I told him that I am going to buy him a “pocket pussy” so he can take it out when he needs to find his lighter/helmet/cigarettes. He just laughed and asked where his keys were.
::sigh:: Good thing I love him a LOT.
Zette
Jesus, did I really write that? Guess I should have expanded a little (if only to stuff my foot in a little deeper).
Perhaps Kopi is saying this ironically, perhaps not. Based on the OP, we have no way of knowing. I’m not a particularly bright person, but I’m no dummy either. However, there have been plenty of times that Mrs Kamandi and I have argued, after which I think the issue has been resolved and Mrs K has simply retrenced to prepare for the next battle. I literally had no idea until the artillery started again. If the silent treatment is being used as a battle tactic, your opponent has to know that.
I personally think the silent treatment is counterproductive. If you’ve got a beef, get it out there so we can resolve it.
Kopi, I hope you got whatever was bothering you out of your system, and if you want to provide more details about what it is that’s bothering you, I’m sure you’ll find some VERY HELPFUL advice from the good folks at this board.
That said, this is one of the FUNNIEST threads I have read to date. On the celestina scale it rates 10. Your responses to poor Kopi’s plight provided me with a much-needed laugh, especially you, Zette. That bit about the “pocket pussy” is just an absolute riot!
Thanks for making my PIT stop today an enjoyable experience. 
Hehehe. I do:-) You man soon see a new pit thread: “How can you all be so cruel to me on my first day?”
Next tour of Kobi’s locker and The Zone sup[/sup], 2:45, EST.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Zette *
**
You know, if I can make one person laugh, cry, or commit a felony per day, I feel my work here on earth is done.
trose, my husband is a biker, so he’s constantly misplacing things like his lighter, his cigarettes, and his helmet. I probobly didn’t make that clear, since I type like I fuck- slow and sloppy. Sorry 'bout that!
Zette
What I’m wondering is how long it’s going to take Kopi to figure out that this is a message board and not her husband’s inbox.
Let him have it, Kopi!
The big (?little?) jerk.
perhaps her SO is already a member of the board! he could be some member, perhaps a member in good standing!
oh no!
maybe he saw her post, and she hasn’t responded because she is lying dead in a gutter!
that means we have a secretly EVIL doper, one who killed his wife/girlfriend/human pet!
who? who could be so heinous!?
respond kopi! we need to know you are alive! and what the hell you did to his toothbrush!
Sounds like my ideal woman!