how do I meet (and hopefully date) "nice guys"?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m in college, but taking the semester off for an internship.

I’m in the Twin Cities for the next 6 months. I have some U of M friends that I hang with. I even dated one, but it turned out badly (I can provide details if you really want). My social life is still pretty lame. Knowing the abundance of self-described “nice guys” on the SDMB, I thought I’d ask.

The best idea I’ve had was parking myself in a bookstore and making eyes at any soulful looking guys I see. Actually, I’ve tried, that, and it doesn’t seem to work. I’m not good at asking guys out, even though I’ve discovered (once again through the SD), that some think it’s flattering. Also, I room with 2 guys around my age. Maybe try to get them to set me up with their friends?

So, any suggestions?

If it matters, yes, I am old enough to drink.

2

You being old enough to drink might not be nearly as important as what gender you are. The original post is lacking any firm indicators to this potentially significant element. After all, if you were a guy asking other guys out, some of them might be flattered and some of them might have punched your lights out. You only write of the former.

Incidentally, I’m damned nice. You don’t belive me? Screw YOU!

Just kidding.

3

You’re in Minnesota? Well, take it from my friend, by proxy, it’s impossible.

Oh wait, she did find a nice guy. Just a sec, let me give you his number. :wink:

4

Well, I have a couple of friends that go to the U of M, but they’re already taken. (Sorry.)

My suggestion would be to take your book store idea and take it one step further. Just hang around the local Barnes&Noble (or whatever), browsing your favorite section. Whenever a guy who catches your eye happens to wander into that section, give him a little smile. Ask him if he’s seen some book that you’re looking for, of if he could help you find it. Strike up a conversation about that or another book.

The benefit of this approach is that, if you’re both perusing the same type of books, you’ll probably have some interest in common. This makes it (relatively) easy to strike up conversation.

Then again, I’m the last person in the world you want to be taking advice of this kind from. :slight_smile:

Oh, and if you’re ever in Duluth (I currently attend UMD) maybe we can get together and talk over a cup of coffee or something.

5

I think I’m a nice guy… :slight_smile:

I would look to volunteer somewhere and you’ll meet great people who want to help. Don’t just do it for the men, but I would look there. Go to areas that more soulful types of music. Don’t always go for the best looking. Even try looking in the paper. Take any first few dates slow… you might wait on sealing the deal with a kiss, just to be sure you know the man and what he’s after. Don’t rule out younger men. Men don’t mature by age IMHO, they either are or aren’t… the one’s looking for a female who’s slightly older may be looking for a certain type of relationship. If you go out with an older gent, he might just want young blood.

I’m very mature for my age as far as attitude and behavior, but less mature when it comes to progression in life (I don’t know what I want). So you might or might not want a man who has a plan.

Make sure you tell a man what you’re looking for, (a friend at first). I think some men take the fist date a little too seriously. Just be careful.

Also, I like opening the door for people… but I really appreciate when it’s done for me. Men too, like to feel valued. This one woman I was with once sat on a bench, and brushed off a place for me to sit, (not that it was dirty), but that behavior doesn’t go unnoticed. I’ll always remember that. In return I baked her cookies… no big deal. I liked being treated as an equal, I tried my best to do the same I guess.

Ok, don’t rule out the Internet completely. Just make sure you meet whoever with a friend in public. You can really get to know a man on the inside without bias that comes with seeing a person. Any man you talk to that you like a lot will appear wonderfully… so long as you know him inside first, you will like the way he looks even more. Make sure you like and hate the same movies!! There’s nothing more discouraging than saying you like all the old classic movie, the after asking him his favorite, he says… “Oh, I LOVED Rush Hour Part 2.” Nothing wrong with liking it, but all time favorite!?

Just have fun, and be confident in yourself. I hope you find a nice guy!!

6

I’m a really nice, if funny-looking guy.

However, I don’t live anywhere near you.

So to answer your question, I don’t know.

7

I’m a nice guy, and I’d take you to lunch, but I am spoken for. Ya cute? :cool:

8

[Wall of Voodoo]
I’m a nice guy
But I don’t
Love you
I just want to sleep with you!
[/Wall of Voodoo]

Sorry, the thread just reminded me of that.

I’m the nicest guy I know! But I’m in Los Hideous.

I think Nice Guys™ tend not to make the first move. I know I feel awkward if I do. Being nice, we don’t want to make a girl feel uncomfortable. (After all, guys are all after one thing, aren’t they?) Go ahead and initiate the contact.

9

Easy! You moved away?? Yea, not much around here, hey? With a name like ‘Easy’ and you’re having trouble finding guys??? Okay, I’ll get serious…Minnesota huh? Have you tried the local Curling Club?? :wink:

Summer’s coming up, try some outdoor things, university gym, bike clubs, running club, if you don’t hate politicians as much as me work for a political party or candidate coming up. Last but not least, Internet or personals, but be selective, get a picture and talk to them a lot before meeting for lunch. Good luck.

10

Well, as an other-described “nice guy” (BTW, for most “nice guys,” there is no greater insult than to have a woman call him a “nice guy.”), I’ll venture in…

Try clubs. No, not dance clubs. Interest clubs… What are you interested in? What are your likes? Dislikes? Turn-ons? Turn-offs? Wait…

Seriously, you might try finding a club that interests you. It has the extra added benefit of giving you something to talk about. :smiley: I would also suggest you take a short break from looking. People look different when you aren’t “scoping” them out and sizing them up as potential mates.

I wish you luck. Women who are actually LOOKING for nice guys are rare enough. It would be terrible to lose one simply because she couldn’t find us!

-Redhawke

11

As several previous posts mentioned, an activity-based situation is a good way to meet people. It gives you something to do, something to talk about, and something to share if a relationship develops.

Bear in mind that many “nice guys” aren’t instantly appealing to many women. It often takes some time to get to see the important inner stuff. Just as a number of men sabotage themselves by only showing interest in women who are knockouts, a number of women do the same by only showing interest in men who are exciting. Keeping an open mind can be rewarding.

12

Thanks for the suggestions. To clear things up:

Bryan: I am female. I get mistaken for a guy a lot on the boards. Should I have a sig that says “I have a uterus”?

Big Cheese:Yes, I miss Madison. But this move is only temporary.

I like “intellectual” looking (nice for “somewhat nerdy”) guys. But then, I am an engineer, so maybe it’s because that’s all I see. I’m not asking for a hot hunk of manliness–mostly because a lot of them tend to be dumb (and I hate dumb guys). I’m looking for someone who’s like me–in posession of social skills, intelligent, an offbeat sense of humor, and who at least puts effort into their appearance.

I’ll look into joining clubs–it might help grease the social life wheels in ways other than getting dates. I may be on a rowing team, but I have to wait until the weather warms up!

13

The only thing I’ll add is that not everything you do together with a guy has to be a ‘date’.

If you’re in a hiking club, or book group, or whatever, with a guy you find attractive, and you happen to find you share some interests with him, then asking him if he’d like to see a particular movie with you, or take in a Twins game, or watch the Fourth of July fireworks together, or whatever - these (and many more) are all things that can be done with someone you like, regardless of the nature of the ‘like’, so they don’t have to be dates, per se.

Once you and he are spending some time together, then you can decide in what way you like each other.

14

The Shy Nice Guy.

A lot of Nice Guys do not stand out in a crowd. A whole lot of them are shy and have problems getting dates because of that. A whole lot of them are not ‘hunks’ and are rather plain looking. With many, the magic of their personalities will not open up until they know you for a bit, like at least around the second date.

Look for wherever shy guys tend to hang out, even in some bars. Nice guys are often the quiet drinkers at the bar, not getting too drunk and who often tend to miss anyone flirting with them. They frequently don’t pick up on the usual flirting signals. They will respond to the direct approach though.

Nice guys are the fellows who will change your flat tire without making overtures towards you and they’re not wearing wedding rings. They tend to listen a lot rather than boring you with their ‘great conquests’ or ‘exciting lives’. Sometimes, you almost have to kick them to get them to go into much detail about themselves.

They might embarrass easily, but they’ll always have a shoulder for you to cry on. They might date you for a while and not make a single move to get you in the sack and you might have to make the first such move. They’re shy and don’t take rejection well, especially in sex. They might open up more after a few drinks, but focus on your conversation rather than their own.

The nice guy is the guy at strip clubs who politely inserts his dollar tip into the dancers waist band without sticking his face in her crotch or making a big thing about brushing her mound with his fingers. The nice guy will probably have a few good friends that he has had for years and they will have only nice things to say about him. He will not be one to run out and get drunk and jump into fights just for the pleasure of getting rowdy.

Sometimes, during the initial encounter, you might not see his sense of humor, but you will know that he is paying close attention to everything that you are saying. He will not clutch and paw at you the first time you are alone with him either and will probably not make overt sexual suggestions unless you start them on the first or second date.

This type of nice guy can be found on campus. Usually sitting alone in the Student Union, or with a few classmates.

The shy type is usually a good catch because he doesn’t date as much as the Confident Hunk and respects the dates he gets and treats them better. Mostly, he is secretly delighted that a pretty girl wants to date him. He won’t act like the guys on Blind Date.

15

You’re an engineer and you haven’t met any single guys? I find that hard to believe! I used to work in an engineering firm and almost all the young guys who worked there were single. In fact, aren’t the engineering classes you’re taking full of single engineers? Just look around one of your classes and surely you’ll find a few dozen single guys- especially if you’re looking for nerds!!

16

Hey! Minneapolis isn’t THAT bad. Sometimes during the summers it even gets above freezing here.

Have you tried licking a metal pole outside and seeing who comes to help you? That’d probably be a good litmus test for ‘nice guy’.

(…I guess the winter’s affected my brain.)

17

Some of my female friends (none of whom, alas, live anywhere near me) are always asking me this question. For the longest time, I had no real answer…but one day I was kinda annoyed at the question and responded “How do you define a ‘nice guy’?” Surprisingly, that stopped her in her tracks. Up 'till then, she’d been defining “nice guy” as just “some guy I’m attracted to, who won’t betray me or play games with me.” When she had to think about the specifics of what she was looking for in a “nice guy,” it helped her to think about how she could find one. As they say, it’s hard to find something when you don’t know what you’re looking for. It looks like you’re on the right track in this regard but it may be helpful to focus on something more specific than “a good sense of humour”–don’t we all have that? :smiley:

I myself could have started a thread “how do I meet (and hopefully date) ‘nice girls’?” I have to say that I often ruminate about this amongst my female co-workers…one of them gave me some advice related to the above. Write down a dozen or so things you’re looking for in an “ideal partner.” Put it away, then go back to it a little while later and eliminate the three which you think are least important. Now, you have nine qualities of your “ideal partner”–that should give you some clues as to where and how to find them.

I realise that, being alone myself (see my “A Day Like This” thread for more details), my giving advice may be a case of the blind leading the blind. So, take it with a whole truckload of road-grade rock salt. But, I don’t think it would hurt to put some substance to the spectre of “the nice guy.”

18

As folks have already said in this thread, Nice Guys tend to be shy and unwilling to make the first move. That being the case, you’ll have to steel your resolve and approach the ones you like. It’s hard, but it will pay off. Nice Guys like female attention, so they’re open to being approached.

The only other piece of advice I can offer is this: for the lead-in, ask an open question. You say you were making eyes at guys in a bookstore, so here’s what I mean in that context: you approach a guy. Instinct probably tells you that the right opener is “What are you reading?” The problem with that is, once he’s told you the title, that it; it’s back to you to keep the conversation going. A better question is, “What’s that book about?” This will make him think a bit and put together a more conversational response.

Craft some open questions for the other places you go to meet guys, and you’re set for at least the first couple of minutes.

19

[Sam the Sham]Hey there little red riding hood[/Sam the Sham]
I am usually mistaken for a nice guy, and I will admit I have some of “their” qualities. I will treat you like a queen, but when I’m tired of it, it won’t be pretty. Why look for a nice guy though? We assholes are so much fun. Tell you what though, I’ll help you out and tell you where not to look i.e. where I go. Pool halls, not the nice family pool hall, or that restaurant with the table in the back, but a smoky drunken dive pool hall. I’ll be the one who asks if you want to play, tell you that I’ll win make a quick 8 ball run and smile sweetly at you afterwards. Dance clubs, sure, you’re thinking that many guys, they can’t ALL be asses, don’t be so sure. Even if there are some nice guys in there (see the below posts) they probably are to shy to ask you to dance. Look for me in the cage with that blonde I just met. Bars are iffy, try and stay away from the guys slamming tequila, go with a couple of girl friends, if you go with a guy friend keep contact to a strict minimum. You want to make sure it comes across that he’s platonic. I’ll be the guy that comes up, offers to pick up the next round and make your guy friend wonder how the hell I got him to pick up the last three round of drink, and still got a phone number from who he came with. You think you’re safe from me at a bookstore? I frequently buy books look for me browsing thru Plato’s Symposium smiling fondly as I walk past the children’s section, I have and will ask a girl out that I just met and as stated above I am an asshole, be careful some of us wear our sheepskins well.

P.S. If you are still hung up and finding shy old Mr. Right, lunch is a lot less threatening than a night out, but you may have to suggest the second date, some guys have to be hit in head before they see any signs.

20

I thought you were a guy too, most of them on that other board seem to be. Until I saw the OP that is.

You’re young, don’t worry! :smiley: