How do you deal with bratty kids

In My Humble Opinion
1

I really have no idea. A family member’s children have become really bratty and I have no idea how to deal with it. They can act self centered, aggressive, manipulative, rude, never listening, etc. and both do so a reasonable amount of the time.

I don’t want to spend time with them anymore, in part because of their behavior but mostly because I am a push over and worry I am making their behavior worse.

And that bothers me. The behavior bothers me, but feeling like I am somehow making it worse really bothers me, to the point where I don’t even want to spend time with them anymore. Up until a year or so ago I used to go out of my way to spend time with them. Now I go out of my way to avoid them and when I do see them a good deal of the time I am relieved when I or they leave, end up regretting the decision to go see them, or feel totally drained by the time they are gone. They are about 4 and 6.

Another reason I don’t want to spend time with them is one likes to roughhouse, and when I tell her to stop since one of us will get hurt she totally ignores me and continues. She has no respect for boundaries or willingness to listen. But like I said, I contribute and don’t know how to set healthy boundaries for kids.

Do other people know how to deal with this stuff, what I’m doing wrong, etc? I have no idea. I have no idea how to let a kid know that no means no and have them listen, or that violent behavior when they don’t get their way (or just when they feel like being violent) isn’t acceptable and have them believe it. I’d like to have boundaries and have them listen, then maybe I’d want to spend more time with them w/o the remorse or guilt I currently feel.

They aren’t my kids, and I know for several reasons I don’t want to be a father. I don’t want to yell at them because that really isn’t my personality, plus they aren’t my kids, plus that doesn’t work when their parents do it either. I really have no idea what to do. I’d like to be able to spend time with them w/o feeling drained, guilty, resentful about their rude behavior or feeling like I am contributing to them becoming more self centered and aggressive because I’m not relating to them properly.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Like I said, I’m not a parent so I have no idea what is normal and what isn’t. I’m not trying to condemn or abandon the kids at the first hint of trouble. But I’d like to spend time with them w/o feeling angry at being walked over, or feeling like I am being drained or making their behavior worse because I’m not handling it properly.

2

I know just how you feel. We have some of those in our family too, and although I’m a mom, I’m not their mom. I just do my best to avoid them.

3

bingo.

They aren’t yours, and someone has messed up. Tell the parents to seek help with parenting and when the kids are acceptable you will interact with them.

4

Everyone wants something and that includes kids. If they don’t listen, they don’t get what they want, be it video games, toys, treats, tv or whatever. If you don’t stick to your guns they’ll never listen to you. Be the bad guy once in a while, it won’t hurt you.

5

I have two kids, 4 & 7. I agree with others that you should just avoid these kids - that’s what I do with other people’s kids that I don’t like. But, if you have to be around them for some reason, you should try using humor or gentle sarcasm to diffuse the problem. For instance, if she starts roughhousing, do a dramatic dying scene on the floor, complete with gagging and shaking limbs. I’ve also thrown myself on the ground in a pretend tantrum, wailing and flipping all around. The kids laugh and they get that they look pretty silly when they’re doing the same thing.

6

But I like the kids. I don’t want to avoid them or cut them off. However most of the times I end up spending time with them I end up regretting it. I wish I knew how to interact with them where I didn’t end up regretting it either because they are rude and don’t listen, or because I worry I am making it worse.

7

Well, something like this seems pretty straightforward. She starts to roughhouse, you tell her to stop, she continues, at which point you get up and leave. She crosses a clearly-stated boundary, then playtime is over, no do-overs or second chances.

If you don’t want them to walk all over you, then simply don’t let them. Establish your boundaries, and if they cross them anyway, get up and leave. Eventually they’ll get the message that you really won’t let them get away with that. You don’t even have to establish “universal” boundaries (that should really fall on their parents), just your own. They cross your personal boundaries, you disengage.

Works with adults too, and has the additional benefit that even if they choose not to learn to respect your personal boundaries, if you’re not there, they can’t cross them anyway.

8

How old are these kids? Are they old enough to understand if you say “When you [whatever] I can’t enjoy [activity], could you please stop?”

9

First of all, don’t try to control them. You can’t. Even their parents can’t. What you can do is control YOU, and you can control where, when and what you do in a way that makes them want to control themselves. Try to find a way to say yes to what you want as a condition of them behaving as you want.

“Ouch! It hurts me when you play rough like that. I’d be happy to play with you again when you’re gentle.”
[Kid keeps doing it]
You walk into another room.
[Kid follows you, smacking you on the ass]
“When you want to be gentle, I’d be happy to play with you again.”
Than you ignore the kid. Completely and utterly. Any show of emotion, positive or negative, will keep the kid engaged in her behavior.
When the kid, bored, stops smacking you on the ass, you turn with a genuine smile and say, “Yay! I love playing with you. Should we play Teaparty or Explorer?”

Do you think you can get away with sending her to her room? This might be a parenting boundary issue, it depends on your relationship with the parents and how much you can get them on your side. But sending a kid to their room, not as punishment, but as isolating the negative behavior, is another great technique.
“I’m not in the mood for roughhousing. If you’re feeling rough, you can go be rough in your room for a while. I’d love to play with you when you’re not feeling so rough. See ya later!”

The kid has the choice of her behavior. You have the choice of yours.

And buy those poor frustrated parents a copy of Parenting With Love and Logic for Christmas, and one for yourself, as well. That’s where these techniques are shamelessly lifted from, and there are tons more! :smiley:

10

This is a failing of the parents which has nothing to do with you. The kids are learning this behavior from somewhere. They may be learning it from the parents, or learning it from observing others and their parents are failing to curtail it. Either way, it’s not your problem.

My advice? If you want to try to help reform them (at least for when they’re around you), you can and should without feeling guilty about overstepping your bounds–they sound pretty crazy and out-of-line for being so young, this is NOT normal. But it’s not your responsibility to parent other people’s children, so you shouldn’t feel obligated to do anything other than tell their parents that their children are hellions and recommend parenting resources. If normal interactions with them remain impossible, then cease interacting. If the parents refuse to believe that they suck at raising kids, cease interacting.

I have never known a child that was born an asshole. Assholes are nurtured and created. A 4 year old doesn’t even have significant exposure to classmates, so I can’t see why someone THAT YOUNG would be an asshole except that either 1) the parents are being assholes in front of their children, or 2) they let their kids’ selfishness run away with them and don’t attempt to meaningfully control it. Either way, they’re failing their children pretty hard.

11

Eh, it’s been my experience that 4 year olds are assholes more often than not. They’re just at the stage of really wanting to take control of their lives, but grownups haven’t clued in yet that they’re no longer babies. Power struggles ensue, sometimes every single minute of the day. They don’t yet have the ability to delay gratification much, but they have verbal skills that would make the whores on Jerry Spinger blush. They’re just not pleasant to be around much of the time.

I was so relieved when my girl turned 5 and, almost overnight, became a pleasant human being again. :smiley:

12

This is part of the problem. The mother really isn’t someone you can have an honest discussion with about these problems.

Anyway, the kids are my brother’s kids, so I don’t want to cut them off or stop interacting with them, I just want it to not be so unpleasant.

Once my other brother (a different brother, not the one with the kids) and his wife were visiting, and they made some remarks about the kids being bratty and rude, which caused a big family rift that the kid’s mother still hasn’t forgotten.

So you can’t talk to the parents about it. It is a shitty situation. I feel my options are either cut them off (which I don’t want to do), talk to the parents (which blew up when my other brother brought up the kid’s behavior), or interact with them and try to put up with their behavior.

I guess a good idea is to just draw a line in the sand and tell them I’m leaving if they act a certain way, then follow through with it.

13

Good Lord, if I did that with my two sons (aged 5 and 8), they’d take this as a sign of weakness on my part and proceed to pounce on me in the most painful ways imaginable!*

*Of course, we play a rough housing game where I play dead and they are allowed to leap onto me and we wrestle a bit, so…yeah. But my kids know for the most part what acceptable boundaries are in pretty much every other aspect of their daily lives, outside of normal whining and impudent behavior that most boys their age exhibit from time to time.

14

Congratulations. You’ve just passed Parenting 101. The final exam is a practical one, though, so make sure you can put what you’ve learned to use! :smiley:

15

I have niece, nephews and friends kids that I like to roughhouse with. My key to keeping it in line is when I want to stop I say “okay were done playing now”. I don’t really expect that to work because we have been playing and they are all riled up, but it works as a first warning and helps to teach them for the future. After that if they are still trying to roughhouse I then crouch down to their eye level, stop them and have them look into my eyes, and patiently explain “we are done playing now it’s time for the grownups to talk” and I stand up and walk away. 95% of the time this works, sometime I have to do it twice or breakout the adult voice.

16

If you are not used to setting boundaries, it feels really uncomfortable when you try to. You feel like you are being mean or unreasonable. It’s worth doing though, because for both their sakes and yours.

With a kid that age, I would do something like, put my hands on their shoulders, get down to their level, look them very directly in the eye and say: " I told you, I don’t want to wrestle now. Please stop." Keep eye contact until you get an acknowledgement.

If that’s too confrontational, then like WhyNot said: “I don’t want to play if you are going to be silly/rough.” Then walk away, or ignore them. If you’re not good at ignoring them, just stick to your script.
“Are you still being silly? I don’t want to play then.”
“Are you ready to play nicely?”
“I don’t want to play if you are going to be silly/rough.”
Either don’t look at them at all, or look at them very directly.

But it’s mostly about you deciding that you are prepared to set boundaries. It doesn’t make you the enemy or the bad guy. You are actually doing everyone a favour. Once you have decided that you aren’t going to tolerate certain behaviours, you can develop your own style for what to say and how to act. The main thing is, for you to risk the disharmony or uncomfortableness of actually saying ‘no’ to someone. It’s quite stressful, if you aren’t used to it, but it gets easier with practise, IME.

17

Aren’t you bigger than them? Just tell them to cut the shit.

18

My way of dealing with bratty kids:

  1. Don’t have any of my own.
  2. Don’t spend a lot of time with anyone who does.

Hey, it works for me.

19

First:
Set boundaries at first offense. Without a smile and in a neutral tone of voice… Short explanation of consequences if boundary is violated again.

Second:
Deliver consequences immediately upon next boundary violation. No exceptions or explanations.

If the above method doesn’t work after two test-outs by the kids, it probably isn’t going to work with those particular children. Then they can’t come in my house until they are ready to respect the boundaries.

20

What WhyNot said is really good. I will, however, start first by making eye contact, holding on (gently but firmly) to shoulders or something, and saying “I don’t want to rough-house now. Please stop.” Gently but firmly, no need to raise the voice–in fact a little bit quieter and calmer than usual is good. You want to slow down and get very calm instead of yelling.