In all honestly, if I gave someone a fine vintage as a gift and that was the response, I don’t think I would understand it to mean “I don’t drink alcohol”, but rather “I’m too naive to know the difference between cooking wine and a vintage to be shared on a celebratory occasion. So I’m going to use it to make sauce.”
That seems unfair, because you haven’t informed them you don’t drink. How is the giver, who presumably is offering you a gift in good faith as a gesture of goodwill, supposed to know? You still haven’t told them you don’t drink.
“Oh, it’s too good for cooking” is usually a polite way of trying to correct a perceived misconception. It’s a gentle way of saying: “Oh, we’d never give you something as ordinary as cooking wine. I got you something very nice (and somewhat expensive) because we hold you in respected esteem. This is a classy gift should be savoured.” I can’t imagine that they intended to cross any line about drinking.
If you don’t drink, then just let them know ow much you appreciate the thought, and either refuse it altogether so they can enjoy it, or tell them that you now have a lovely wine to offer visiting friends (then go ahead and cook with it if you want to.)
My heart kind of told me not to post that, and I did it anyways. I regret it now. I am at work and I should have waited till I could post from home and express myself without coming off as insensitive as it reads to me now.
Speaking just for myself, here - but my impression is that foods cooked with wines, especially do much better with a good wine, rather than a traditional “cooking” wine. And don’t even get me started about cooking sherry and the like. Now, I’ll admit, I am not an oinophile, so unless you happened to give me something like Chateau Moutin Rothschild, or Chateau Lafite, I’m not going to recognize a great wine from a good one.
Mind you, I suspect both those wines would make superior sauces, but… at the prices they run, I’d never dare to cook with them. Not knowingly, at least.
ETA: Nzinga, Seated, I didn’t take your comment as insensitive - just potentially uninformed. I’ll admit, I can’t imagine how someone who was that fragile a recovering alcoholic wouldn’t have told everyone he or she knows well enough that there would be gift giving across the friendship about the problem, though.
I’m sober over 17 years, and I just don’t want it in my house. I’m hardly white-knuckling it anymore, but I don’t think I’ll ever be as strong as some others here who can co-exist with it in their home, decade after decade, through good times and bad. Maybe I could do it, but if I’m wrong, the consequences will be devastating.
I’ve invited folks to my place, and told them to BYOB if they wanted to drink, but that way it’s not mine, leftovers usually leave with them (or someone), and everyone’s cool.
Besides, is a polite “no thank you, I’m afraid that’s not the kind of gift I am able to accept” such a problem for so many people? I’ve never had anyone get their nose noticeably out of joint over it.
To respond to a gift offered (presumably) in a spirit of friendship by dashing to the kitchen and pouring it down the sink strikes me as bizarre in the extreme – and would have when I was 21 days sober, let alone now that I’m 21 years sober.
This is very true for someone who has 2 decades or 2 years, and should never be questioned. I live with a normie, she drinks only rarely. We do not regularly have it in the home, however, we have a bottle left over from Thanksgiving. I’d rather she give it away or drink it but I do not wish to forbid it in our home. Perhaps it is an unnecessary temptation - but like you, I have been sober long enough to know my limits. I understand completely where you are coming from.
As for the Bizaar practices of others who immediately drain it down the kitchen sink :rolleyes: I don’t have much to say about that…
I don’t drink because I don’t like it, not for other reasons, so in my case I would do the same as I do for other foodstuffs that I don’t particularly like. Thank the giver, then open the bottle to share with whomever might be there.
This is true. My ex-girlfriend and I would choose a nice (but not overly expensive) vintage to cook coq-au-vin for example, back in the days when I still ate meat. But in general, if I gave a nice bottle to someone who then exclaimed “I’m going to cook with it!” I would either think they were inexperienced wine drinkers or were somewhat socially inept.
Even if I used a gifted wine to cook, I wouldn’t tell the giver I was going to do so, because it feels a bit gauche to me. It would feel ungracious, like telling someone who baked me home made cookies “Thanks, my parrot loves oatmeal cookies!”
Either I would accept the gift in the spirit it was given, saying “I’m so sorry, I don’t drink alcohol, but it’s lovely and something I can share with guests on a special occasion” or if I didn’t want it in my house at all, I would refuse it as graciously as I possibly could. Either way, I’m not going to say “I’m going to cook with it!” and then give them a cold hard stare when they don’t realize that what I really mean, is “I don’t drink.”
“You can’t seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.”
My parents don’t drink. Well, a couple years ago on a cruise they tried some white wine with dinner, but that was it. They get wine as presents on occasion, and they say thank you. Then they give it to my uncle or I crack it open when I come back for the holidays.
Actually, I have to agree with the spirit of ftg. I live in a multi-cultural city and would never give alcohol (not even brandy-filled chocolates) to somebody without knowing for certain that it was not offensive. It would be similar to giving a Jewish person some gourmet pork sausage.
I would think that anyone who is friends with someone offended by that response might want to find a new crowd.
People should accept gifts graciously (even if they will soon be donated to goodwill, end up collecting dust, or regifted at the next opportunity), but they shouldn’t accept them if it endangers their health or ethics or spiritual well being. However, there are plenty of ways to say “oh, how thoughtful of you, but I’m afraid I can’t accept this - would you be so kind as to find a different home for it” that don’t involve rejecting the giver with the gift.
I give a gift of wine dozens of times per year. It is also one of my favourite gifts to receive, especially if the person giving it knows something about the subject as I do. If I get any kind of hint that someone does not want to receive alchohol, they won’t get it from me and I will stay off the subject. I’m not thick, you don’t have to tell me your problems if you don’t want to, any kind of gracious hint will do. However if one acts like a prick like several people in this thread have indicated they would, they won’t have to worry about any further unwanted presents from me - nor any interaction of any kind.
Other gifts one should probably not give are any products made of natural materials, or synthetic materials. They may cause allergies or even life threatening allergic shocks.
My father has been in recovery for 18 years(since I was 8). My mother rarely drinks, a glass of champagne makes her tipsy, but rarely she’d have a bottle of champagne in the fridge. I didn’t drink at all 'til I was 21(family history freaked me out a bit), but when I did, my father had absolutely no problem with me keeping beer in the house. My older sister had the same experience. If I recall, my dad’s patients(he’s a pediatrician), gave him a bottle of wine after he’d stopped drinking. Those were usually passed along to someone else in the office.
Gifts like bottles of wine, chocolates or bouquets of flowers are usually given in the spirit of thanks, such as “Thank you for inviting us into your lovely home, we’d like to give you a small token of our gratitude in return”. One can therefore assume that the person giving the gift is trying to please you with something they think you will enjoy, not trying to tempt you to the devil’s wastrel ways. They don’t know you don’t drink/are on a diet/allergic to all pollen-creating organisms, and in this society, in this day and age, any manners book or etiquette guide will use these as perfect examples of courteousness, quite apart from the fact that a majority of adults do in fact indulge in the pleasures brought by those presents. So a response that acknowledges the kind thought is the only way to go. How can you justify hurting or even humiliating someone trying to do something nice?
If, for whatever reason you prefer not to interact with the gift, why not just graciously say “Oh, thank you! Unfortunately I don’t drink/like chocolates/am allergic to those flowers, but thank you for the thought. Why don’t you take the wine/chocolates/flowers home and enjoy them yourself or give them to someone more fully able to enjoy them?”
I frequently bring wine as a present when I’m invited to a friend’s parents place for dinner, and because I want to show them how thankful I am, I’ll often spend considerably over my normal budget to get something very nice. If I were met with an icy stare and a march over to the sink, followed by a pouring out of the stuff, as ftg suggests, I’d probably burst into tears.
If you don’t like it, at least let me drink it myself then!
This is a fine reaction, but perhaps you should help your guests out a bit more by suggesting an alternative, such as them taking it to enjoy themselves, rather than leaving the situation akwardly open for them to make a decision about what is now your possession.
Where does this attitude come from? Many people (including myself) would consider it as rude not to offer a drink as host in a social situation. But if I make the offer, I am not offended if the answer is no. If you were invited to a fine meal and offered a glass of wine that complemented and enhanced the experience, would you be so offended as to insult your unsuspecting host, rather than simply decline?
See, this seems to negate the spirit of gift giving, in my opinion.
If I am given a gift by a close friend or family member, then they already know I don’t drink. So for the purposes of this thread, I am referring to polite aquaintances that we don’t know well enough to know eachother’s habits and whatnot. It is precisely these kinds of aquaintances for whom manners were invented, I believe.
We are saying to someone we don’t know well, “Hey. Not only do I respect you as a fellow human being, but I think enough of you to want to show you that you are in my thoughts.” That is really what is going on, right? Why do we have to reject the thought? Can’t we just go ahead and accept the gift? The person really doesn’t care so much that you drink the wine as much as they care that you know you were considered.
If one is an alcoholic that honestly can’t bear the idea of having the wine in their possesion long enough to re-gift it, or give it out to friends, then I can understand them saying, “Thank you, but I really can’t accept that. I do appreciate the thought.” Or whatever.
But no one else should reject the gift in my opinion. Particularly not to make certain that the giver knows better what to give next time! And I also feel put off by the idea of telling the giver what they should do with the gift instead. (enjoy it or find a new home for it). That doesn’t seem right to me.
I like the idea of manners. I mean, I am no Emily Post, but I like the idea of what manners are supposed to stand for. I always felt it was a great way to show that you recognise the best in others and in yourself. Once you truly understand that, manners come naturally to the point where you may not know which fork to use (I sure don’t) but you do know enough to accept a kindness with a thank you.
at this time of year many companies send out their reps with bottles of “good will”. i usually don’t consider rep.s friends, so my beverage preference rarely is mentioned. most of the time the reps will say… i don’t know if you drink, this is a company thank you. no big deal if you refuse or regift.
when i would get a bottle or 6, i would just say, “thank you, this will make the holidays bright”, and regift to appropiate people. i know people who throw big holiday to-dos, they would get “the hard stuff”. wines would go to friends and family who will enjoy them.
i don’t get alcohol as a gift from those who know my bev. pref.s.
as far as cooking goes… ms childs always said: “cook with a wine you would enjoy drinking.” she surely did.