How do you tell a guy that he just doesn't do it for you?

I’ve been seeing Mr. Nearly Perfect for a couple of months now. He’s terrific in every way. Every way except one. He’s extremely nice, loves to spend time with me, thinks I’m beautiful, has a good job, nice body, loves his Mom…you know, an all around great guy.

The problem is we get intimate last night, and afterwards, he told me how good I was, and I was thinking “Really? You thought that was good?” It was only the second time we had been together. The first time was a little worse, but I was hoping to chalk that up to lack of practice on his part. Nuh uh.

Evil Randy Jackson is on one shoulder saying “Dog, it was just alright for me, man. It started out rough, was a little pitchy in spots, and I thought you were gonna work it out by the end, but :::sucks in breath::: dude…no, dog. It just was too short of a song…man, it was just alright.”

Evil Paula is on the other shoulder saying “You smelled really good and your Hawaiian shirt was unexpected and whimsical. You looked nice.”

Evil Simon - “That. Was. Not. Your best performance.”

I need to vote him out, but I just don’t know how to tell him. And now I know for sure that I watch too much TV.

“I think we should both start seeing other people for a while” always worked for me, but then I’m a guy so maybe your perspective is different. Good luck!

Can you start slowing things down? You know - you have something to do when he asks you out?

Or if he has the basic material to work with - can you teach him, or would that just be a turn off for you?

Tell him: “Evil Ryan says that America has spoken, and you will not be returning next week.” And don’t let him “sing his song” one last time. Then go all old school on him and tell him Evil Dunkleman is now gonna show him to the door.

If he tries to laugh it off, do your best Randy impersonation and give him the quote you gave above. Proceed to do a drunk Evil Paula, and conclude with the Evil Simon.

You do all that with a straight face, and this problem just might take care of itself.

He is a great guy but you want to dump him because he doesn’t please you in bed. Why don’t you teach him what pleases you.

And if you dump him, send him my way. Good guys don’t come along often.

After two times you write him off? Tough crowd, you are. Give him a chance to relax and be himself, he probably still has performance anxiety. You say yourself it was better than the first time; if that trend continues what have you to lose?

Don’t let it end at that. Nearly Perfects don’t come along that often. Have you thought of, you know, talking to him about it?


Thanks for the chuckle. you realize of course, that now, whenever I need to “judge” someone for anything, the evil judges will be on my shoulders too.

As for the how. I wouldn’t even tell him why. The whole “we’re just not right for each other” is fine. Though there was a whole thread in IMHO (I think) about whether or not your should tell people the real reason you’re breaking up with them. IIRC, the thread was based on another thread where the OP was breaking up with someone due to bad sex and didn’t want to hurt their feelings.

IMHO, why hurt their feelings? Unless you want to stay with this guy and help him improve that is. In that case, what exactly is he doing “wrong”? Is it technique, or chemistry?

If it’s technique, that can be fixed (and there is a whole slew of books, websites and radio talk shows out there with information on how to tell the person nicely and with good results). But some people just don’t click with each other.

Sorry, I don’t have much for you.

argh, I’ll admit straight up I read the OP and skimmed the responses, but I got enough out of them that my standard life statement will apply. The only wrong answer is “no answer or a lie”. On that note though, ya don’t have to confront him necessarily about his sexual indequacy, but you have to make it clear in no uncertain terms that there are things about him that don’t attract you. Actually, at that, in my own experience, I’ve found that I don’t really click with many girls until the third-fourth time I’ve been with them and they’ve been honest about the experience, at which point I’ve at times done practically a 180 and become exactly what they wanted. I’d recommend staying with him (since he’s right in so many ways based on the OP) for at least another encounter and finding a way to sort-of bring up what you WANT him to do compared to what he has been doing. 5-6 times in, and he’s still the same way, find a gentle way to let him go.

Dude. Even Sanjaya is getting more than two chances and he’s Mr. Not Nearly Perfect At All.

Give him another few chances, you have to learn how to work together. That’s part of the fun!

But you really haven’t said yet. Do you like him? Could you get to love him? I was just going to ask if you were in love with him, but that’s obviously a no.

If you love someone, you can work around the sex. If you don’t love him, the sex is superfluous since it’s pretty interchangeable with anyone else. And sex is a poor substitute for passion.

Mr. Nearly Perfect doesn’t count unless he’s Mr. Nearly Perfect for YOU.

I’ve had great sex and really-not-very-good sex and the difference for me is definitely much more mental/emotional than physical. I would at least give talking about it a try (and this means confessing to your fantasies, telling him what you like sexually etc.) before sending him packing. I don’t know how much of this you have already done, but the way your OP is written does seem a little harsh.

If you give it an honest effort and he still doesn’t do it for you, by all means dump him and I’ll give you my number.

definitely will agree with this point. Sexual compatibility in comparison with all the positives you list seems to be pretty minor. You’ve been with a guy who you describe as basically perfect and you’re willing to write him off on the basis that he doesn’t come with the pre-knowledge of exactly what you want in the bedroom? It’s like the myth of the mutual orgasm or perfect sex when you lose your virginity. Give the “perfect” guy a chance to see what you really want in bed before you write him off because your first couple of times aren’t perfect. It’s either that or he really isn’t that perfect and you’re merely looking for an excuse to get rid of him :dubious:

“An old flame has come back into my life”, is a good way to end a relationship. It tends to avoid the, “You’re not good enough” implication, and is, generally, less threatening to most guys.

If he’s Mr. Nearly Perfect, and you like him in other ways then pleeeeeeeeeeeeeese help him out a bit. I know that this isn’t done much in this culture, but don’t just drop his sorry ass just 'cuz he hasn’t figured it all out yet.

God knows it took me a lot of times to figure out what to do.

Along the way, one woman the way really taught me a lot by tell me in this really sexy voice that she just loved to be (fill in the blank here). She’s say something like “I go wild when I get kissed on the small of my back.” Then when I’d do it, she’s moan and we had lesson one down. A couple times later, it would be that she loved having her toes sucked.

Learned more from her that the previous score of women.

I just want to say that, IMHO, it is always better to clearly end things if that is your intention. It’s not fair to make someone guess if they are still dating you.

It’s possible to grow into each other with regard to sex. I wouldn’t write him off just yet, especially if it wasn’t a complete disaster. Give him a couple more auditions.

You could always get a nice little buzz on (and I don’t mean shitfaced, talking loud, hangover producing drunk) before hand. Ya know, a few beers, or wine, or whatever, then do what TokyoPlayer said. If it is performance anxiety or inexperience, anything to reduce the anxiety is a good idea. You might have an ugle duckling on your hands that hasn’t realized he is a swan yet. If that doesn’t work…there were many good suggestions already posted.

I don’t hear that Pimaspinner wants to give him any more chances. My sense if she’s got her eye on a different pasture.

I didn’t see that. I saw that she’s thinking he’s everything she wants in a guy except for his expertise in the Horizontal Mambo. Maybe he just needs dance lessons.

I agree with Kalhoun - she’s apparently suggesting that he’s perfect in every way but one, and that one thing is not something she’s made any effort to help him with.

If he’s not doing what pushes your buttons, try telling him. You never know, he might have been waiting for that kind of thing from you. Alternatively, if you’re dead set on dumping him, just think about how you’d like him to tell you if the situation were reversed.