I used to work at Hallmark Cards in the new products lab. Our people made the Create-a-Card kiosks they used to have in drug stores. A couple of gay friends complained to me that the kiosk wouldn’t let them make a birthday card for a mutual female friend that was to be addressed to “Our favorite Fag Hag”.
The list of banned words in the machine was very extensive. I don’t know who assembled it, but I suspect a pair of smutty-minded 12 year old boys were consultants.
A dude with a ring through his septum.
The only thing that would have made this funny would have been if the OP was parodying this viewpoint. Which exists. Increasingly so, it seems. And my favorite is when the same women who just want some homo to pass off as their own don’t really care about his civil rights, or think his sex life is gross, or think lesbians are scary (I guess a lot of this also exists among ‘barsexuals,’ women who like to make out with one another for attention but think gay people shouldn’t marry and actual homosexuality is a sin).
Most of my best friends are gay men, and the gay male-straight female relationship is a truly special, sacred bond, but enough people think like the OP IRL that it’s normalized a dehumanizing viewpoint. Same goes for gay men who want to play dress-up with straight women without giving a shit about them.
Unless, of course, it’s a mutually objectifying relationship. Those are a-okay.
I used to work for a toy company that did a lot of Disney licensing. The list of words that we were required by Disney to specifically ensure could not appear in the game in any context (including the kid writing it in himself) was both extensive and hilarious.
(In non-Disney games, we’d just make sure that Carlin’s seven words didn’t crop up by accident, and we didn’t care if the kid used our software to write “fuck” over and over.)
“special, sacred bond”???
What, you don’t like Madonna movies?
(re-enters thread uninvited, soon to leave unlamented) I love offensive humor! Life would be Hell without it. I am to ofensive humor what Liz Tayor was to fag hags: sick jokes are my Sunday brunch at Roddy McDowell’s, instead of late-night phoe calls with Rock, I have old National Lampoon articles, such as "Negligent Mother Magazine, including this ad for Sparties, the 5-Day Live-in Diaper Suit!
What I find offensive, unredeemed by filthy, sick humor is this attitude behind some not all fag-haggery:
“All women friends are back-stabbing bitches, and all straight guys are incapable of platonic friendship, or emotions in general for that matter; and sex with them is rotten and they leave wet towels on the floor and they cheat on me. And it’s not my fault, so I think I’ll try a new type of person to befriend.”
Which leads to
"Gays are even worse horndogs than straight guys. I set up a great day with lunch and shopping and Netflix, but one booty-call text from another guy and he dumps me like trash. And it’s not my fault!"
So what next?
"Americans are all just a bunch of crass pigs, gay and straight. I should move to Paris or Tuscany. I hate everyone here and it’s not my fault!"
That’s fine for a Julia Roberts or Diane Lane RomCom, but in real life the resolution is more likely:
“You know, what I’ve been needing all along to feel fulfilled is to have a baby!”
---- Golf clap -----
Freakin’ brilliant.
You need Lady Sitters.
A gay who has reached an elderly age of 29 or so is most likely to be in need of a hag, as once they reach their twilight years they often find themselves abandoned as their hags become active breeders and lose interest. If you’re lucky, you can occasionally find a “new gay” who had a delayed coming out and hasn’t yet had a hag imprint on him. I know some women have had a great pay off by befriending men who’ve never dated and like to play elves in tabletop RPGs.
Remember that gays tend to enter their adoption/surrogate years a little later than hags enter their breeder years. This can work to your advantage as you use your experience as a parent to find common ground with a gay.
If you’re having trouble finding one, try tossing glitter at a playground and playing “Express Yourself.” If a father starts to dance, you’ve found a gay.
Looking for an older gay who has not gone the domestic route may be harder, however. We’re fairly certain they spend the majority of their time on message boards and blogs, often complaining about the domestic gays. If you can find one, this can be a perfectly serviceable gay, but keep in mind that he may be semi-feral and you may need to snip his sarcasm to avoid injury.
If you have any reason to interact with college students without being creepy, you’ll have a steady supply of the “new gays” who haven’t yet been claimed by other hags. Be warned that new gays may occasionally try out their gayness through bouts of comedic misogyny. The tender bond with his hag will help ease him through this difficult time, however.
Congratulations - you made me LOL and hate myself for it at exactly the same time. 
Do you have to take your Loveable Lesbian to her softball games?
I can’t help picturing the OP as this lady.
That’s fucking hilarious (although I have the annoying jingle in my head now).
It’s best to get a gay without a beard. Just one more thing to have to shed or trim.
I think I’m going to insist people use it as my ringtone from now on.
Love it! THis thread is fabulous. One of my best buds goes by the moniker “Original Fag Hag”. Her boyfriend (cute as the devil and a touch kinky, whew) is a gay boy trapped in a straight boy’s body, but then again, she’s a gay boy trapped in a woman’s body, so it works out fine.
And yes, I checked with my rep at the Gay Offenderati League, and confirmed that this falls under the camp exemption rule.
Carry on!
The GAL can suck on my hairy balls. I didn’t cancel my membership to them to get told what I could and couldn’t find funny.
Since when did *you *want a gal sucking on your balls?
Unless, we presume, they are men.
