Lets say you were dating a girl for 6 months, you two are official. She has told you she was molested when she was younger by another boy her age. So you decide to take that into consideration and slow down a bit.
She is a virgin.
Shes given you oral a couple times but you have to ask or push for it sort of. Basically she is not satisfying you in other ways. Yet she still feels pressured by it even though you see eachother 1-2x a week or sometimes just once a week.
What do you do? Continue waiting or sit down and say something (what?)?
You wait until she initiates it, or reacts to your kisses with enthusiastic consent.
And you sure as hell stop ASKING and **PUSHING **for it, as you don’t want to be a creepy date-rapist. She’s already been molested once, don’t add to her count.
In a relationship you should be able to discuss all things including sex. If you two aren’t on the same page…then you have to decide if you are compatible enough to continue the relationship.
Vote 3 for communication. Words are powerful things for sharing information, assumptions are not so good. Maybe she’s taking it slow because of the prior experience, maybe she’s not comfortable with sex before marriage, maybe she has a very low sex drive in general. You’ll never know if you don’t ask.
Until she’s ready, and tells you she’s ready. See if she’s ready to discuss having a sex life and then drop it until she tells you she is. This isn’t about you, it’s about her. If you can’t handle that then you need to move on.
When she’s ready. IF she’s ready. She may never be.
If your sexual situations are not compatible, this is a legitimate reason to break up. It’s not a legitimate reason to pressure or manipulate her. Nor is it a legitimate reason to cheat on her.
It’s a simple answer. You don’t do anything different then you’d do in any other relationship. In other words, you don’t have sex with someone until they want to have sex with you.
If you don’t follow this rule, then you are a traumatic experience.
Hold on to your hat, OP, because I’m gonna say something revolutionary here.
You should wait until both of you want to have sex with each other, without either of you ‘pushing’ the other.
And, because I’m just that much of a genius, this also applies to relationships in which neither person has had a traumatic experience, relationships in which both people have had a traumatic experience, relationships in which one person has had chicken pox, relationships in which both people have had pizza, and every other relationship you will ever have.
How old are both of you? It does matter in this scenario.
Assuming you are both adults of legal age and you have been in relationship for 6 months without having intercourse it sounds like she has already let you know that she does not desire penetrative sex (with you) anytime soon, and if you push her enough so that she does it just to stop your nagging she will resent you tremendously. Re the length of time to wait as someone else said up thread she may never get over it so hanging around on the hope that there will be some change in her attitude is kind of pointless edging into creepy.
If you are frustrated the best thing you can do at this point is terminate the relationship. Based on your description of the situation it does not sound like this scenario will end well as you are both in very different places. It sound not sound like this person is ready to be proactively sexual with you anytime soon.
By ‘pushing’ I am NOT talking about penetrative sex. I am talking about oral.
We are both 20. She was molested almost 10yrs ago by another kid her age.
I waited about 5 months to receive oral from her. During that time we were just kissing / hugging.
Since then i have been trying to get her around to do it once a week but she is saying its too much for her it seems.
We frequently sext. She initiates it too sometimes.
So because I want to express my sexual feelings for her, I dont give a shit about her?
I just want to know if there would be an unhealthy time to wait for being active sexually (oral) since its been 6 months so far. Since we cant jump into sex right away.
Wow…me, me, me! Have your reciprocated? Most girls don’t consider giving you head as a way for you to express your sexual feelings for them. In fact most girls don’t really like giving head…as proven by the well known meme that once you put a ring on their finger, the BJ’s are the first thing to go.
There’s no rule or time frame. The answer is that the two of you need to talk about what’s happening and how you feel about it and express yourselves calmly, without attacking each other. You’re not wrong to want sex and she’s not wrong to not want it - for any reason, not just because she’s an abuse survivor. But you’re obviously not happy with where things are and if you have to ask or bring it up regularly she might not be happy either. At some point someone’s just going to get really pissed off and then maybe the relationship will be over. If you want to make it work you’ll have to talk this out, and even if you do it may not work out anyway. Sometimes two people are just in very different places.
You keep talking about how you are waiting for sex and you said in the first post that you have to ask for or kind of push for sex. (Incidentally there is nothing wrong with just saying what you want. But it does become a drag if your partner never initiates.) This does leave the impression that you are pressuring her. If you’re not, maybe you’ve just used the wrong words several times.
Part of really loving someone is understanding their needs and wants. If you are ready to go at her pace, have fun! <3. If you really can’t handle waiting for her to be ready, she’s not for you. Nothing wrong with you per se, you just aren’t compatible. Move along.