If you want to express your sexual feelings for her even when you know she doesn’t want you to, then yes, it’s a sign you don’t give a shit about her.
You need to learn that desiring somebody is not the same as caring about somebody.
Ok. Right now I havent initiated anything for about a week and dont think I will until she does.
For those of you that seem to be bashing me:
When we were dating she told me she wanted to fool around only after i would label her as a gf. I still didnt make things official until 1 month later. Its now been almost 3 months. So you can see where I am getting at. Why say things to a partner just to get them to commit?
That sounds bad. But it doesn’t justify your behavior, if you are trying to push her into sexual activities with you. Her bad acts, if any, don’t justify yours. And because you are the one posting in the thread, your acts will be the ones people discuss.
So, stop pressuring her, or anyone, for sexual acts. If you stop pressuring and the sex goes away entirely, and that’s not something you can live with, you need to find another relationship that has the things you need. You don’t get to pressure her just because you need or want sex.
And if you can’t have a conversation about sex with a person, you shouldn’t be having sex with that person. So, talk to her.
OP what you’re doing is beyond creepy.
The fact the she gives you oral just to keep you interested indicates to me that she is not in a healthy mental state. She may need counseling or at the very least a BF that doesn’t mind waiting.
Seriously dude, move on. There are plenty of women out there who will have sex with you on the first date (Or second or third date). Don’t you think women like that would be a better match for you?
Ugh. What you should initiate, if you want to work this out, is a conversation. Waiting like this sounds passive-aggressive and/or very frustrating for you.
Maybe someone who’s interested in a committed relationship? I don’t know what you mean by “label her as a GF,” but if you mean she wanted to know you would be exclusive, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I’m also not 20. Really, the two of you don’t sound like you’re on the same page and now I’m wondering if you’re more interested in being right than in solving the problem you’re having with her. If so, you shouldn’t be together.
It’s always sad reading threads like this where I find out that there is only one woman left in the world and the OP is interested in her.
Oh wait, she isn’t the last woman on Earth? Then why isn’t the OP breaking it off to find a different woman who a) might not be carrying around this sort of emotional baggage and b) is on the same page sex/relationship-wise as the OP.
And before anyone gets all worked up. It’s not that people who have had a traumatic experience aren’t deserving of love and companionship. But unless you have the patience and understanding to deal with their particular issue (which it sounds like the OP doesn’t), then you should probably stop driving both of you crazy.
Well said. Having experienced a similar circumstance, I’d have to fully agree with what Marley23 says, here.
This is the kind of thing I might have taken personally in a past life. Today i say, hear hear! Some people just don’t want to deal with that shit. And that’s fine. Just go find someone who doesn’t have those particular issues and give her a chance to find a loving and healthy relationship that fulfills her needs too. Because chances are when she does meet a guy who accepts her boundaries, she’ll be all too willing to become more intimate.
I still wish the OP would be more specific. What do you mean ''pressuring her into oral?" What are you saying exactly? How is she reacting? Are you somehow under the impression that oral sex is not actually sex? It is. It says so, right in the name ‘‘oral sex.’’
And again, has she gotten any treatment?
What is she telling you? Are you having actual conversations about this?
Try to figure out what helps her and takes care of her, and do that if you love her. Move politely on if you don’t. Moderate your own sexual tension and ambition by choosing how often to ejaculate on your own.
Her experience likely makes her own progress sensitive to other people’s caring.
I think you mean well and per your asking the question in the first place are trying to frame how you should proceed. I think you need to face the fact that if a branch is bent a certain way you are not going to unbend it. You are not her therapist and it is very unlikely anything you are going to do is going to make her sexually receptive.
When I was 20 I was dating a woman my age who had a lot of emotional issues. Not due to trauma, it was just the way she was wired. She would go into these depressive funks and I thought in my youthful hubris I could help her by talking it through with her and suggesting all the things she could do to fix what she thought was broken in her life. Obviously this did nothing, it was idiotic for me to think I was going to re-arrange her brain chemicals with a pep talk.
You need to face the fact that her issues are not going to go away. It is very, very unlikely that regardless of how patient and understanding you are that you are going to get a willing and enthusiastic sexual partner out of this. You need to move on.
Sounds like you only agreed to “label her” your girlfriend in order to get her to have sex with you.
she doesnt do it to keep me interested, i hope not. To keep me satisfied would be the correct word. shes done it only 3 times. By ‘pushing her’ I mean asking like a 2nd or 3rd time in a span of like 5-10 mins. Looking back it was probably a bad idea to ask a 3rd time, but she never said no and did not get upset so I took it as she wanted to play hard to get.
Why the ‘me, me, me’? Do you feel that 5 months has been too short of time? I mean I was getting afraid this might turn into a platonic relationship… I’m not saying she owes me sex, but you’re implying that this entire relationship has been about MY sexual needs when they haven’t. I thought a relationship meant balance between both partners?
and what do u mean reciprocated? As in return the favor? Shes not open to it yet
We’ve discussed it. She feels uncomfortable and just not ready. I asked if shes waiting for marriage, she says not really just until both people are ready, i agreed. But until then I wanted to know if oral sex or other forms of pleasure should be going on between us if she doesnt want to have sex yet? If she does not want to try other things then I think you might be right on cutting ties with her. However for now i am playing it cool, enjoying her company and will not try and make moves.
no its actually the exact opposite of what it sounds like to you. i waited weeks before making things official. she wanted a commitment on the 3rd date. I wasnt having it. If I wanted to bang her i would have got with her asap.
I am very sad to hear that, I dont want to jump to conclusions but i feel sexually she has been opening up compared to when we first started. I want to allow enough time to see if things change. thanks for your advice
What, you somehow think oral sex doesn’t count? Your comment that she’s still a virgin makes me think you’re in that camp but sex is sex, and oral sex is also sex.
Are you giving HER oral, too, or is this just about you getting “serviced”? I could say something about women not being sex dispensers but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
I don’t know how she was “molested”, and probably don’t want to know, but if it involved oral sex this could account for some of her hesitation.
Dude - ORAL SEX IS STILL SEX.
You’re already having sex with her.
As I said, I don’t know exactly what trauma this woman has suffered (and I don’t really need to know) but you’re assumptions about what is and isn’t a problem may be way off base. You’ve got a few choices here, pick one:
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Break it off (gently) and find a woman whose sexual desires are more in line with yours.
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Keep on with the status quo, stay frustrated, and possibly continue to cause her problems.
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Urge her to get some counseling if she hasn’t had some already.
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BOTH of you go to couples counseling to work on the issues. But only do that if you are really into this woman and want a long-term/permanent relationship with her because working through sexual trauma issues can take years.
If you have to ask 3 times in 10 minutes she doesn’t want to do it. You may not perceive that as pressure, but it might look very different from the other side of the conversation. Is she doing this to make you happy? Or is she doing this because she’s afraid if she gives you a direct “no” you’ll get angry and maybe hurt or assault her?
Sometimes you can’t find a balance. If she’s not ready for sex and you find it to be a necessary part of a relationship then you are not compatible.
So you’re getting sex and she isn’t? Dude, that’s not a good sign. If she’s not “open” to sex then she might be giving you oral only to appease you, not because she wants to do it.
Then you shouldn’t be having sex. Period. Of any sort.
I emphasize this does NOT mean that you are a bad guy of some sort, or selfish for wanting sex or having sexual desires. It means that this woman has a problem she hasn’t dealt with and it’s getting in the way of a normal, adult relationship. She needs to get some counseling. Since, at age 20, it’s unlikely you have the tools to really help her (beyond urging her to get some counseling) you both might be better off if you end this and move on.
No. Look, a normal 20 year woman wants to have sex, too. She Has Issues. This is not something you, personally, can fix. It is certainly not something you can fix while you’re sexually frustrated.
Well, it may be that a relationship with a guy who didn’t rush into things or insist on sex on the first date, who is trying his best to be sensitive to her problems, might have actually helped her. We don’t really know. That doesn’t mean things should continue as they are. As I said, this doesn’t sound like a problem you can fix. If she hasn’t had counseling, or doesn’t get counseling, this is not likely to end well for either of you.
No, because you felt the need to ‘push’ to get what you wanted.
How do you think I should mention counseling to her? Will it make her angry
It may be that she will never recover from that trauma and for her even “yes” means no. She may come around to servicing you, but not feel happy about it. One of the joys of my last 50 years is that my wife and I enjoyed sex equally. Often she would say she was just too tired and then five minutes later announce that she had spoken to quickly and would I ask again.
But the most important thing is to get a discussion going. Ask her what her feelings about sex are. If you are bringing different expectations to the relationship, now is the time to find out.
This is telling. For you it’s been 5 months. For her it’s been 10 years and 5 months. Don’t push her. Yes, talk about it with her. She may never be ready. In that case, be supportive, but be prepared to move on without hurting her feelings.
If she’s angry that you bring up the idea of counseling, she’s not ready to have a relationship with you. If people don’t want counseling and you raise the question, they say something like, “Thanks, but I don’t want to go to counseling.”
Yes, discuss.
Be in a place and in body positions where your body language couldn’t possibly be telling her “I want you” – e.g., not sitting together on a couch arm in arm, or certainly not when you’ve been kissing her. Be in a neutral space, in neutral positions, and when your recent activity has been neutral/non-sexual and non-intimate. Maybe in a quiet park, far away from anyone else who might be able to hear, and at a table where you’re sitting facing each other. Facing each other lends for some intimate connection and sincerity, with you both being able to look into each other’s eyes, while the table separating you gives her some safe distance where she won’t be threatened (too strong a word) or pressured into saying, Okay, Yes I Will Have Sex With You.
It has to be safe for her to discuss this, she has to be able to trust you during this discussion. And it cannot be in a place or space that could possibly lead to sex.
OP, you need to find out if she wants you, really and truly wants you. You do not want to coerce her into saying or doing what you want the answer to be.
If done correctly, gently, and slowly (might already be too late for that), you could help fertilize a flower that blossoms more beautifully than you could’ve imagined - your relationship with her, including a healthy and vibrant sex life. However if you F this up then you will have shit on her and set her recovery back a long time.
She is damaged goods. FRAGILE. HANDLE WITH CARE. (not yelling, I’m trying to conjure those box labels) – she’s damaged, maybe broken yet still repairable. Treat her with care. Good luck.