Keep in mind everything we know about this relationship is based on what you’ve told us. So if we’re getting a bad impression of you here, it’s based on what you yourself are saying.
You haven’t said anything about this girl. Do you love her? Do you like her? Do you have any interests in common? Do you consider her a friend? Do you have any emotional connection to her?
And that’s still just about you. What are her feelings? Does she love you? Does she like you? Do she consider you a friend? Do she have any emotional connection to you? What is she getting out of this relationship?
The only thing you’ve told us is that you want to have sex with her. And you want to know how to get her to give you the sex you want and how soon you’re going to get it.
^^ this is what I’m wondering. What do you get out of the relationship that makes you stay for 6 months without a sex life, and not much prospect of one? Are you a wonderful match in every other respect?
itsame, I want you to consider the following analogy.
If your girl gets a minor cut you can help her put a band-aid on it and make it better for her. But if she breaks her leg the only way you can help it is by getting her to a doctor with the skills to fix that more advanced problem.
Your girl has been hurt. Now, we’re just going on what you’ve said, which means we could be off base here, but the damage sounds more like “broken leg” than “minor cut”. You simply may not have the skills to help her. If that’s the case, then the best thing you can do is gently encourage her to seek out someone who can give her that help.
Little Nemo had a good outline for talking about this.
Yes, she might be angry if you bring up the topic of counseling. Or she might not. You just don’t know. That sort of frank discussion where you can’t predict the future outcome is one of the risks of intimate relationships. But, if she does get angry at you try your best not to get angry at her.
Discussion sounds like a good idea, and I agree with Nemo and Bullitt on the framing and timing.
Definitely don’t present your concern as motivated by urgency to start putting your penis in her (that shouldn’t need to be said, but here we are), in fact, if you can’t find a different reason for your motivation, my previous comments apply.
Even at age 20 your still trying to work some things out in your head. Maybe you ought to let the relationship go, just be friends, and maybe in a couple of years you both could try again.
I think that is spot-on. With my first reply I ignored that and gave the OP the benefit of the doubt, that he sincerely cares for her. After thinking more on this I’ve changed my mind. I’m pretty sure itsame cares for her but mostly wants to get in her panties. Because of her traumatic experience, she’s not ready for him and likely won’t be soon. itsame, the sooner you admit that to yourself, the better off you’ll be. Leave her. She’s not ready for you.
The thread title is quite telling. Instead of something like this: She’s not ready for sex. I love her, I cherish her, I’ll wait for her.
itsame chose this: How long should you wait to have sex with someone whose had a traumatic exp?
itsame might as well have used this: I wanna jump her bones but haven’t succeeded yet. Tell me how to succeed because I’m horny and she isn’t.
Okay, itsame, granted that might be a little unfair but be honest now, you really do want to be inside her, right? So please, break up with her, let her down easy (she might feel relieved!) and move on to someone else who’s willing to spread her legs for you.
I have to admit this wasn’t my intent. I was going more for how the OP needs to rethink his own attitudes rather than how he should communicate to his girlfriend. I figure he needs to fix himself first before he works on anyone else.
I do however agree that the girlfriend probably needs counseling.
I think the OP’s going out for advice is to be commended. It’s hardly a news flash that sex is and the getting of it is on a 20 year old’s mind fairly constantly. If he didn’t care about her I don’t think he’s be asking the question about appropriate timing in the first place. Many 20 year men denied sex due to past emotional issues would just chalk her up to damaged goods and quickly move on. He at least is asking for some guidance.
The bottom line for the OP is that he has to realize he has no power here. He has no power to “fix” her, make her more receptive, or more willing to have sex. At this point all he can do is hang out and try not to pester her. She wants a committed relationship and a boyfriend, but minimal to no sex and that is a difficult goal. While we can be respectful and sympathetic to whatever she went through as a 10 year old being sexually coerced and/or molested by another 10 year old it does not sound like the OP is going to be the right one to stand by her while she works all this out, and she may never work it out.
I agree. If sex is really important to you in a relationship then it is probably not advisable to hook up with a person who for whatever reason is not ready for sex. It’s just going to leave the both of you frustrated. If you can identify things that are more important than whether you get laid - things that can sustain the relationship into a long-term thing, then go for it. Some find it difficult to believe this but there are many people out there who rank ‘‘sex’’ pretty low on their priority list in general. But for many folks the lack of sex is a dealbreaker. And that’s okay, it doesn’t make you a bad person. But it does make you the wrong person for this particular young lady.
Another vote for being prepared to wait as long as it takes, or go ahead and move on. I’ve been in a similar situation, but there was open communication between us. I understood where the line was, and I respected it. Our relationship grew, I never pushed her for more than she would give, and then one day we both realized that her walls had faded away. She always knew in her head that she could trust me, but her heart took some more time to come around
So if you can’t/don’t want to wait, let her go, for her sake. My girl was only able to move on because I gave her the space to do so.
This girl needs to seek professional help if she is ever to go forward in relationships and possibly even in her professional career if this manifests in other areas of her life.
Thanks for all ur advice. The majority have said to wait for sex as long as she wants to - ok got it.
BUT what about other sexual activities? Should i carefully discuss with her these things or is it the same as waiting for sex? You guys think I should do nothing and we should just be non intimate? How can I bring something like this up to her about satisfying eachother through other ways?
If you can’t carry on a simple conversation about your relationship with the person you are supposedly in a relationship with…you shouldn’t be having sex with them.
I don’t mean to be harsh (or do I?), but I think you might still framing this issue in terms of your own sense of urgency to put your penis in her. What does she want, short term and long term - do you know? Do you care?
Find out what she wants. Work out if it’s the same as what you want. If it’s not, work out whether compromise it possible without too much coercion (you shouldn’t be trying to change each other too much).
Talk to her about (hers and yours) mid or long term goals/desires for the relationship. If it’s too early or awkward (for either of you) to be discussing that, then you may just have to tolerate things staying the way they currently are, until you’re both ready for that conversation.
You seem to be earnest but I have a feeling what we are trying to communicate to you is not getting through. You are now apparently prepared to play the waiting game and wonder what kinds of sex you should be able to negotiate for if you are willing to hang out. At this point it kind of seems you are just desperately clinging on hoping things will go your way.
The overwhelming point to all this is that whatever went down 10 years ago between two 10 year olds she doesn’t want to have sex with you today, and given that she has described that past interaction as the rationale for why she does not want to have sex with you her attitude is unlikely to change anytime soon. Staying with her is going to be a long and frustrating slog and what you may discover at the end of it is unlikely to make you very happy.
Clinging onto her leg in the desperate hope you can possibly negotiate hand jobs and blowjobs while you wait is not going to be a positive scenario for either one of you. You need to detach from this situation and get into a relationship where you can have a normal sexual relationship. You’re 20 and as such you’re way too young to be her therapist and way too horny not to keep constantly bugging her. You need to find a different girlfriend.