Because long before our break up I asked her “are we exclusive because I’d like to be” and she said yes. And then after the reconciliation we both reaffirmed this that we were exclusive.
I felt confident in what she said as I understand the intentions of her words and they were not ambiguous. But do you mean something else?
My goodness.
I can’t believe that:
“hey, did you start anything during our break up that might be a problem to us now? and therefore how would you deal with it?”
is such a freaking controversial thing.
I’ll have to assume that everyone that thinks I am totally off base here is…I don’t know…don’t wanna get banned.
Hopefully, someone with common sense will swoop in and realize that YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE BREAK UP PERIOD IN SOME WAY TO GET OVER IT.
I’m just such a controlling little badger, I practically tied her up and interrogated and beat…what with all my questions pertaining to whether 100 dudes were now pursuing her and she may or may not be acting like someone usually would when exclusive NOW…I don’t have carpet in my office. I obviously need carpet on the floor and to wear a helmet given these ABSURD questions and concerns. It’s like no human would normally wonder of those things.
Later, PC folks. I’ll only respond from now on to the rational.
PS. Any idea how common infidelity is in the US among women and men?
About 1 out of 5 men or women that married are being cheated currently. So it is like an unreasonable concern so long as someone tells you that are being faithful to your face!
So asking a few cautionary questions to re-establish exclusivity, boundaries, and monogamy…is just so 1990’s American common sense…it’s as if people actually understood human nature a bit better than it is now understood via a cloud of socially acceptable messages distributed through biased websites like Jezebel (yeah, gender centric media rots your brain)…please switch the genders in this story and test your reaction.
You appear to be an unpleasant little twit & she will be better off without you.
If the OP were a woman, and the person in question were a man, I would still say that there are the same trust issues going on, and that communication needs to be reestablished.
Since the OP seems to only want answers who support his own hypothesis and doesn’t think, obviously, he is to blame at all for what appears to be a very fractured relationship, I will respectively bow out of the discussion.
Best of luck to you.
So says the person judging my character by how I react to what I feel is the biased reaction of folks here on this site.
Oh huh…or I’m being attacked/unpleasantly addressed by people that cannot possibly consider the perspective of a man that might be being hurt by a woman in the way I described.
I fell on a rock when 6 years old. Obviously, my ulna interact with the rock. However, my ulna was not to “blame” in the sense usually reserved for that word. To blame was that I was dropped accidentally by a parent from a position about 4 feet above a large rock. Interaction does not in anyway insinuate proportional culpability, unless you’d like to fault me for getting into or staying in this relationship. Are you perhaps doing some victim blaming !?!?
My bad
I thought from the title it was the GF who has the issues.
No she doesn’t.
What she did while you two were broken up is None Of Your Business, and she doesn’t have to tell you about it.
You have no right to ask the second question if you are not willing to trust her answer to the first.
Once and for all - drop it. If there are current issues, they will come up, but you damn well better not be the one to raise them.
Regards,
Shodan
From this, it looks as if you have major control issues. You shouldn’t go into a relationship thinking you’re going to change a person to make them fit a certain mold that would make them more acceptable to you. Either you take them and accept them as they are, or you walk away.
Emotions can carry you to places that you’d never rationally buy a ticket for. I’m reading way too much emotion from you and it seems to be clouding, choking, and poisoning a lot of things around you.
You can’t drive a car using a microscope as a windshield (and you and anyone with you will only end up hurt if you try).
You both need more time apart or… an end to the relationship and a parting of ways. Running or bicycling or using a stair-master until your feelings pass (or at least level off) may also be a good idea.
FTR- I don’t hate you, I’m not jealous of you, I’m not being cruel to you or picking on you. I don’t even know you. I know strong emotions when I read them is all. Good Luck with them.
:dubious:
I had such high hopes for you… but this is way over the line creepy.
I revise my earlier stance. She’s better off without YOU.
timewilltell, I want you to think about something. You are tying yourself up in knots about this, correct? You were worried before the breakup, you’re worried now, and, should the relationship continue, here’s what you have to look forward to:
And on top of that, you say:
Is this really how you want to spend your time? And son, I’m going to tell you right now, in my opinion, she’s cheating. Period. Full Stop. So save yourself the heartache - you can’t change her, you can’t “fix” her, all you can do is walk away.
Asking her if you are exclusive is fine and you should have that conversation. What isn’t fine is getting a “yes, we’re exclusive” and following up with a litany of questions about whether she was with anyone while you were apart, is there anything you need to put an end to, did you unknowingly flirt with anyone, have you had FB contact with your ex, etc. Her dealing with those issues is implicit in her answer of wanting to be exclusive. If you talked to me that way, I would find it controlling. I’m not a child. I understand what it means to be exclusive.
As for the rest, you clearly don’t trust her. I don’t think the windburn (which could be medication), chapped lips (which happen to me when I’m dehydrated) and dry eyes (allergies, dehydration?) are the huge red flags you think they are. It’s more of a red flag that you think minor physical ailments are a sign that she MUST have screwed around with her ex. Also, if you know she lies, that’s enough if a reason to get out if the relationship. It doesn’t matter if she lied about this particular event or not.
So THAT’S why she’s willing to date you…
^^ qft ^^
I think anytime you see a change in patterns it is cause to at least be alert. Continued out of the ordinary behavior is almost certainly an indicator of something going on. In almost all cases the cheating party will lie about cheating so you really do have to trust your instinct To me you sound logical and like most in a relationship you want to give the other person the benefit of the doubt but you are finding it difficult. I say trust your gut feeling, if you feel like she is cheating and lieing she most likley is.
Yeah, this.
I’m totally with Saje on this. You’re way, way, WAY out of line, I’d be shining you the door right smartly!
“…anything of concern, during breakup…”, of concern to whom? Who she interacted with and how, is not your business. How things were left? Either you trust her to do what is needed, or you don’t. And clearly, you don’t!
“… not freaking unreasonable…” Sorry, but completely unreasonable and unbelievably controlling. You get to wade into all her other relationships and decide if they’ve been sufficiently cleaned up? That you feel the right to supervise or oversee another adults personal affairs in this fashion reveals something very ugly about you.
I don’t know how young you are but I think you’re in for a painful life lesson on control and arrogance. I’m wishing you tons of Good Luck because I think you’ll need boatloads of it to turn this train wreck around!
Life is too short to live with that much angst.