So if she told you that yes, in fact, she did go on a bike ride with the guy just for fun because she likes riding on motorcycles… what would your response have been?
If she omitted that she was speaking with an ex, seeing him without me knowing or being informed, and then met up with him and went on a ride…and she only brought this up much after the fact and after leading me to believe that she just worked/slept those days…I would instantly end the relationship.
I won’t be in a relationship with a woman that hangs off the back of an ex boyfriend’s bike. It is obvious why this would be horrible and incredibly suspect.
Is she just amazing otherwise? I mean, does her vagina lay golden eggs or something? Because I don’t know why you are putting yourself through all of this.
You obviously don’t trust her, and she’s admitted to being untrustworthy. You aren’t happy and this is a recurring issue between the two of you.
Why are you fighting for this?
But you know she is liar, she has admitted to it, without batting an eye.
AND you are revealing yourself to have a few relationship issues yourself.
To the rest of us (besides you), to use your own phrase, it is obvious why this is a horrible and suspect relationship regardless of what she did or did not do on the day in question.
:smack::smack:
I am wondering whether anyone else finds this weird and suspect, or maybe having a fully irritated face (down to eyes even) is not odd at all, even if you were just walking around a building/sleeping.
Dude, you not only sweat the big stuff and the small stuff, you sweat the most minute detail. How exhausting it must be to be you.
Of course it’s weird! She rode on the back of that man’s bike and you need to face that.
A fully irritated face is unusual. Sure.
Does that help?
If it happened to my wife, I would believe whatever she told me about how it happened. She’s that kind of person. If it were my ex-wife, I would have probably try to find a way to believe her as she lied to me.
The problem is that when you’ve lost trust, every damn thing seems “weird and suspect.” She’s working late? Must be out fucking some guy. She’s been crying? Must have talked to the guy. She’s tired? Must have been out late fucking the guy. She’s energetic? Must be because she just got laid. She’s happy? Got laid. Sad? Feels guilty for just getting laid.
It’s a losing proposition not only for you, but for her! Nothing she can do in this world won’t have you pointing your finger at her accusing her of something. Nobody wants to live like that, and you will keep pushing her away with the questions and the “monitoring.”
You said in your OP that the ‘windburn’ could be due to some medication she’s taking. Why is that less plausible than she went for a bike ride with her ex and didn’t tell you? If the answer is “because she’s known to lie and I don’t trust her”, then you should get out of the relationship. Life is too short to try to maintain a committed relationship with an untrustworthy person.
And, yes, I am dismissing the chapped lips and dry eyes. I get those sometimes for no obvious reason, certainly not always because I’ve been joyriding on a motorcycle.
of course YOU think you are normal. she probably thinks she is normal, too.
Outside of her admitting that she blatantly lied about something, is there anything that would push you to end the relationship?
At this point, it almost sounds like you are wanting to force her hand. You’ve mentioned so many red flags, but until she says that she’s outright “cheating” on you by spending time with the ex (or whoever else), you seem like you are going to stick with it, paranoia and all.
If you are waiting for her to admit some sort of transgression so that you will look like the “good guy,” honestly, do yourself a favor and end it now. This won’t end well.
If it were me, I would ask her a LOT of questions about it, pry into her about it, ask for details, question odd things, until I was satisfied that her answers add up.
All in a totally normal, calm, composed manner. In other words, be subtle and wait for a slip-up in her story.
Speaking as someone who had a wife who cheated on him, the OP’s entire premise is wrong. Here’s why:
You’ve both agreed to be exclusive. Either you believe she’s being exclusive or you don’t.
If you believe she’s being faithful, you’ll believe her when she says she is, even if she’s lying.
If you believe she’s cheating, you won’t believe her when she says she isn’t, even if she’s telling the truth.
Quit trying to figure out what to ask her or how to ask it. Do you trust her, or don’t you?
You’re obsessive and controlling, paranoid, suspicious and jealous. My advice to you would be to stop being those things. My advice to her would be to get the hell out of this relationship because you’ll never stop being those things. Is there any chance you could convince her to join?
Chances are she might have gone for a ride on the ex’s bike. There’s a whole world between that and cheating but you’ve created an environment where she can’t even admit to having spent time innocently with her ex as friends because you’ll go off half-cocked, and now you’re blaming her for her inability to be honest with you. You don’t get to pick her friends, even if they are her motorbike riding ex. Your choices are to accept that she has other friendships and trust her, or to mosey on your merry way, looking for a girl who can be trusted without being policed and stalked and interrogated.
FYI, don’t demand of women that they provide an inventory of all the other blokes who might be “sniffing around” now you’re a couple. Trust that being a couple means she’ll, oh, I don’t know, stay faithful until other interested parties get the memo and fade away of their own accord. Driving off the other suitors isn’t a thing, you don’t need to do it and it’s pretty revolting to even ask.
Do you even want to be with her, or do you just want to prove she did something wrong or it’s her fault or whatever? I don’t understand why you would want to keep this going because your relationship sounds terrible. It sounds like it’s a bad influence on both of you and it’s bringing out some very bad qualities. You’re acting more like someone who wants to win an argument than someone who wants to be in a committed relationship and support another person.
You are assuming that I am always bringing these things up to her and interrogating her and controlling whom she is friends with. No, I brought up what concerns me here and I do not tell her what to do, etc ever.
Pretty early on, I did tell her that my expectation is that if she is communicating with a male on a regular basis, especially an ex, that she would let me know to prevent misunderstandings. She agreed. I then related stories about how an ex wanted to go out to eat with her exs alone and that I couldn’t come along. She agreed that that was shady.
If I were hanging out with an ex gf and not telling her, she would be upset. And rightfully so. Oddly, every relationship I’ve ever been in was an environment in which the GF would’ve gotten mad if I spent time alone with exs esp. if I didn’t tell them about it. I didn’t think this was wrong, it was expected.
I think most people are not enlightened to the point where their GF being on the back of an exs motorcycle sits well with them at all. You do know what riding on the back of a motorcycle for a long time entails right? Holding onto the other person and with your legs around them and front pressed against them. It’s just lovely to think of your GF doing that to someone that used to have sex with her and wants to start again. If you think that only crazy jealous guys would shun this activity, then I’m at a loss.
As far as your last paragraph, I think that sig. others should keep each other apprised if someone is flirting heavily with them or hitting on them repeatedly. Also, the sig. other should make it clear that they are in a relationship and if the communication does not change, then break off contact with that person.
The world has really changed maybe. This was all pretty common back in the day. When I hit on girls and did not know they were in a relationship, they would find a way to work their boyfriend into the conversation. This is commonly done to send a hint to the other person.
My last paragraph refers to this:
I don’t think this is a reasonable question, at all, and I don’t think you do either, otherwise you’d have asked straight out who she saw while you were apart. You acknowledge that it’s none of your business, and then try to make it your business by pretending that it’s somehow information that you need. FFS, who needs to be instructed to “dissuade interest” from other guys when they start a new relationship? Do you instruct her when to breathe in and out too? “By the way, it’s none of my business who or what you did while we were apart for two weeks, but you probably ought to tell me now who you shagged, thought about shagging or may have intended to shag, and because you’re such a skank that you would keep leading them on if I didn’t remind you, I’m telling you to tell them to back off now.”
I disagree.
I did not ask her to name anyone. I asked if any interests was sparked that might be a danger to the relationship moving forward. She was the one that named names. I did not ask for them. I did not ask if she went out or had sex, etc.
So much of what you wrote is not topical or puts words in my mouth.
Also, some folks see nothing wrong with having back up plans in the wings or guys that flirt/hit on them and make them feel good by showing them that type of attention. It is in fact very, very common for these things to occur and for folks to see anything short of physical contact as not a big deal. And so it might be good to let someone know that you expect them to nip anything in the bud that might not be good for the relationship or something they might not do in front of you, etc. It was bothering me so I just aired it.
Now, you suggesting that the obvious implication was that I was calling her a “skank” is just baseless.
Perhaps you think that everyone else takes for granted as common sense and ethical what you yourself believe? Well, people don’t and people vary very much on what they expect from relationships.
You inferred it is no big deal if she goes off and rides around on her ex’s bike with him alone for hours (and I’m guessing over 90% of men would disagree with you on that). Now, you seem to think that everyone has the same compass and that dissuading interest is something that everyone does automatically and should not ever be a topic of discussion. I don’t think those things square up very well. Jumping on the back of a bike with someone that wants to hook up with you while in a relationship is not dissuading interest.
Hanging out with exs alone is one of the biggest things in relationships that bother others. There are many obvious reasons why this is so. Life experience often teaches people this.
Also, you act as if people do not change somewhat when in a relationship and that they adapt somewhat to each other.
A person wants to do Z, their partner says “hey Z would really bother me” and often times the person sees the other person’s view and does not do thing Z.
Are you of the opinion that relationships are between two totally independent people that do anything they would naturally want without consideration for the other and that if you can’t accept some of their behavior as is then you should just bail?
I don’t think that is very workable.
Since you called me controlling and all that. I’ll say this: you come off as someone that is young, lacking realistic life experience or to appraise how things usually turn out, and/or you are very into knee jerk defending women against what you take as mistreatment from a man. That is my impression from your posts. It seems that a “modern” education might have wiped away some common sense in favor of compassion, understanding, and open mindedness.
For instance, most people know that old flames can easily be rekindled if given the “fan” of alone time (in fact the people might not be totally over each other or miss the great sex etc). Also, most people know that it is easier to commence sex with someone that you have already slept with in the past. Also, most people know that no one is immune to temptation. So, most people that value their relationship do not put themselves in bad circumstances and expect their partner to do the same.
The idea of trusting yourself or anyone else 100% is a nice notion, but I think is irrational. You should not even trust yourself to that degree and that is good because it keeps you ought of situations where you could make a bad judgement.
You appear to be Darth Vader boyfriend. Maybe there is actually good in you, but that’s not the way I’m betting. Break up with her for her own good.