how to approach GF with issues?

In My Humble Opinion
101

I think everyone took monitoring as me spying on her. It was meant as “keep my eyes open to possibilities”.

Also, I have not endlessly questioned her at all. My original post was about if I should, how I should, etc.

The only question I stated asking was if our break up had caused anyone to begin contacting her in a non-platonic way that might threaten the relationship. My implication is that if that had happened and it doesn’t end now then that isn’t good and I’d like to know about it. That’s it.

You are right though, once trust is gone then it is very easy to take things the wrong way.

What you wrote is a good lesson for me. However, many here are implying that to be in a relationship you should trust to the point of ignoring many things. I’ve read before that most infidelities are caught because of many small details. For instance, you know your SOs usual lunch routine but find charges on a shared card at fast food that would be very out of the way. And it keeps happening. And then someone sees them in a residential part of town where neither of you supposedly knows anyone, etc. You can explain all these away individually by just trusting, but at a certain point it becomes foolish.

So, how do you become more objective once a few things have caused you to lack trust and have a bias?

I have a few other threads on here where I discuss some odd behavior that causes a lack of trust. I have played things very close to my chest except when I broke up with her and mentioned that her cell phone use was unusual and most would consider it shady. The reason I play things close to my chest is that I do not want to subject her to every random and perhaps unwarranted thought I have. Also, if anything is going on that is bad, then if she knows that I might be onto it then it will make things harder to unravel.

102

I doubt you realize it, but given the things you say in your posts, you come across as a little obsessive, controlling and like you’re playing a game trying to catch her out on something just for that AHA! I WAS RIGHT! payoff moment.

Thing is, I get the feeling that even if you do catch her doing exactly what you suspect she’s doing, you won’t walk away from this. You’ll stay with her and continue to moan and obsess and try to make her the person you want her to be.

Perhaps this is some sort of co-dependent relationship you two are in? Perhaps you both get something out of this? It seems kind of unhealthy but I bet there is some sort of emotional payoff there for both of you. Else why continue to do this to each other?

Clearly you’re not done with this relationship, nor is she. You’ll continue to rationalize and go around in circles of breaking up and getting together again and rationalize some more, etc.

Meh. If that’s what you’re into, please continue. But for og’s sake, at least show some self awareness and begin to acknowledge that you’re as much part of the problem in the disfunction of this relationship as she is.

103

Look, do you REALLY want to spend your life analyzing all the little discrepancies in your GF’s routine? I sure wouldn’t, and I don’t and I won’t.

My husband’s always been a person to follow his whims, never home at the same time every night, will go off on a drive-around day by himself just to explore when I’m busy with other things. It doesn’t faze me (other than not knowing if I’m cooking for one or two, but that’s a different rant) because I trust him implicitly. He rides motorcycles too, and were he to take an old flame up on the bike behind him, I sure would not be obsessing about who’s crotch was where. ’

It’s got to be exhausting trying to second guess your GF all the time - and that’s NOT love. That’s obsession. Let her go, find some nice patient girl who’ll put up with your drama long enough for you to realize that trust is GOOD.

'Cuz this:

would have me saying goodbye, pronto. I talk to a lot of men regularly. Some are work related and some are friends, and just because I enjoy their company does NOT mean I’m dying to hop in the sack with them. They may have other ideas about me, I doubt it but I don’t know, but just because THEY are thinking it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Get it?

End this warped relationship for good, and go find a way to trust again.
`

104

That may be true, but is being vigilant and on guard a desirable state for a relationship? If we’re talking about being aware of a disease that runs in the family, for example, being vigilant and catching it as soon as possible is usually good…but what’s the point of having to be uber vigilant in a relationship? If you find out that the person is cheating, it’s bad. But if these small things are driving you crazy, that’s not good, either. I think you either break it off or you trust her. I don’t think you can make someone be trustworthy.

105

No, it’s because you’re controlling and dysfunctional. No need to look any deeper than that.

106

Thank goodness you aired your concerns. Otherwise, she might have continued to foster these “back-up” relationships without realizing that screwing around with other men might jeopardize her relationship with you. Such subtle nuances are often lost on young women.

I see now how your query was done merely to preserve the long-term health of your relationship. That’s good to know, because I was beginning to think that you were asking her who she fucked in the last two weeks cause you were batshit crazy.

107

It’s obvious from your insecurities about the veracity of her answers to your completely innocent questions that you’re not trying hard enough to keep tabs on her. How often a day do you call her? If it’s not more than every couple of hours, you’re not trying hard enough.

That’s the bad thing about cell phones. They can be carried anywhere. Phones used to have cords, and you had to be in one particular place to use them. Your GF could be anywhere when you call her and claim she’s at home knitting. You obviously have to keep better tabs on her.

This video will give you tips on how to use Google maps and other online resources to maintain proper vigilance. You can probably find how to use the Stingray phone interceptor towers online. Also, remember when you go to her place at night and peek in through her window, dress in earthen colors like green and brown. Black will define your silhouette too much at night and make you stand out more.

One last thing, do not concern yourself with society’s opinion of your actions. They obviously don’t know the intricacies of your relationship and how challenging it is to make sure she’s being honest with you. They can’t possibly understand the Herculean task of salvaging this relationship. If she proves to be difficult to track, you could probably find an abandoned refrigerator and secure it with low carbon steel chain to keep her from straying. Home Depot is having a sale.

108

Knowed Out…you are bad!! :wink:

Seriously, timewilltell no one wants to be cheated on. We all understand that…but if you are…then you are. You’ll find out at some point. Trust me it will come out eventually. Your obsession with speculating, worrying, suspicion, etc. is not healthy.

You seem to be more worried about being duped than the relationship ending. So you are full steam ahead looking at everything that doesn’t quite make sense and rationalizing it into a possible scenario where she’s cheating. What’s the rush? You clearly don’t know for certain…trust me time will reveal the truth. Then you will know.

If you confront her, then she’ll deny it, and you won’t know 100%…oh you will have suspicions, but maybe she’s telling the truth. And you still won’t trust her and your relationship will be forever damaged.

Slow down.

109

Dude, life is too short to be lived this way. Relationships shouldn’t be so hard. There are two scenarios here either A) she’s cheating on you or B) she’s not. If A is true, you should break up because cheating. If B is true, then you should also break up because you’ll never truly believe it. You’ll constantly be wondering and picking over every word she says. Every tiny discrepancy in any story she gives you will drive you crazy. That’s misery, and why would you put yourself through that?

You either trust someone or you don’t. You obviously don’t, so save yourself and her a lot of headaches and heartache and just end it already.

110

The more timewilltell posts, the more I hear Self Esteem playing in my head.

111

We’re saying that you have to trust your partner or you don’t have much of a relationship. If you are constantly trying to find out if your partner has been lying and cheating, you have a big problem regardless of what the answer is.

Yeah… stop reading about how to catch a cheater.

Why are you still with this person? I don’t think you’ve explained that at all, and if you’ve said a single nice thing about her, I can’t remember it. I see no evidence that this is a relationship worth salvaging.

112

You missed your calling as a private detective. I think you have a real future with that.

113

As much as I think timewilltell comes off as controlling and paranoid, I gotta say – I think he actually might be on to something. I wouldn’t bet money on it, but based on the OP I’d say there’s a solidly nonzero chance she’s cheating on him (or being some variation of “unfaithful”).

So. At best, he’s paranoid, untrusting, and controlling. At worst, he’s paranoid, untrusting, and controlling and she’s off getting motorcycle rides (or whatever the kids call it these days).

Doesn’t sound like a match made in Heaven.

Honestly, timewiltell, she IS cheating on you. She might not actually be cheating on you, but you’ve assembled a bundle of suspicions such that it’ll always be in your mind to wonder. And that’s practically the same thing. This will eat at you indefinitely.

114

Whether she is cheating on him right now or not, if he keeps nagging at her like this she will be. FWIW she probably doesn’t tell him about her innocent off-leash activities, because he gets all weird and obsessive no matter if she is doing something or not.

So keep at it - eventually you will drive her into the arms of someone less stalkerish and then you can say “Aha! I knew it!”

Regards,
Shodan

115

I think with the right combination of monitoring, questioning, investigation, observation, and micromanagement, this relationship just might work!
Sure, she’s cheating on him (if her face was chapped for a non-wind-related reason, why would she describe it as windburn?) but as long as she never admits to it and he finds no other evidence, I think these lovebirds have a chance.

116

I am distressed to find I agree with Shodan, here.

regards,
Jackie

117

Please consider a 3 way relationship. Why won’t anyone just consider it??

118

Come over later, my wife will make a pie.

119

You can’t really be objective. For one, it is an intensely emotional, personal relationship you are talking about. Strict objectivity is just not possible. Secondly, you don’t have enough information to make fact-based judgements. You don’t know where your girl-friend was when she wasn’t with you.

If you feel you really need to know what your girlfriend is doing when she is out of your sight, you are going to have to go some kind of stalking route. I get the feeling you know that would be creepy, wrong, and counter-productive. There is no nice way to ask her if she is lying to you, or ‘up to something’. You can’t think of one, I can’t think of one, no one in this thread can think of one. It just doesn’t work that way.

Ideally, you know you can trust your girlfriend, not because her behaviour meets certain standards, but because you know her. You know that she loves you, you know what her values are, you know she is committed to you. A few times in this thread you have talked about conversations where you said ‘x’ and ‘she agreed’. I think you need some more in-depth discussions with her about how she sees her self, her life, your role in it and that kind of thing, where she talks about her opinions and feelings, not just agreeing. It seems like there is not a lot of communication between the two of you, because you are thinking a lot of things that she has no idea of, and you don’t know how she really feels about you.

This doesn’t mean come at her with a bunch of accusations. You have to be open, and non-judgmental, and that is really hard. Also, she has to be willing to be open with you, and that might not be the case here. But it is really the only way to have the kind of relationship you want.

120

Thanks for the input.

We just had dinner before she went to work.

Over dinner, I mentioned how a pub next door had a great beer selection.

She chimed in “have you been to [insert name of brewery]? I HEAR they have a great selection also.”

Thing is, prior to our break up, she said she was out shopping for something and stopped in to that same brewery she mentioned and had a beer and the selection was great she said.

Sure, that is picking over word choice, but I can see no obvious reason to not mention that you had been in there when you mentioned before that you definitely had been in there. And instead make it sound rather explicitly that you were going just off reputation.

I didn’t react. I just agreed that we should check it out sometime.

So, I don’t question her over things like that because it wouldn’t accomplish much and would just cause a fight or something.

Thing is, she just always seems to mold things like that instead of just telling the honest truth.

It could be that after the break up she is afraid of how I’ll react and so she didn’t want to mention being in a bar without me there and she forgot she had told me about her being in there.

She has been like this throughout the relationship though, even before the break up and during the early days before we were even exclusive.

It seems she is always massaging things in the moment and doesn’t realize that I have a better memory for what she has said than she does. So, a ton of little white lies told for seemingly no reason just add up. I’ve lost track of how many times she has done this sort of thing with her stories.

I’m tempted to state something like “I feel that sometimes you are afraid to tell me the full truth over innocent things and so it creates situations where I am confused. Perhaps I am at fault here.” And then try to find a way to work around this.