Met a girl. We have both taken an interest in each other and would like to probe the possibilities if we could be compatible. (As in a serious relationship) I am very excited about this opportunity. Not only is the chemistry there, we both also work the same hours (nights).
For a night shifter, this is a rare find. At the end of our work week we and a bunch of our coworkers like to go to a local neighborhood bar and blow off some steam.
Here’s the stitch. I also currently have a friend with benefits. This FWB doesn’t work with us but she does go to the bar when we do.
So now, I’m not sure how to address this situation. Now when I go to the bar I’m going to have both my FWB and girl I’d like to (possibly) be serious with there.
So what should I do?
Should I tell the FWB to back off and let me be with new girl?
Or should I give full disclosure to the new girl and let her know the other girl was a FWB?
Or both?
Something else?
FWB, is a nice girl and I’d like to avoid hurting her feeling if at all possible.
As a female, I can tell you that if I were your new romantic interest, I’d want to know about the FWB. Now is better than later. I would not want to learn about this later, after my feelings for you have deepened (presumably) and also after I have maybe hung out with this other girl at the bar or something.
Just my perspective. And Congrats and good luck and all that too.
If I were the FWB, I would want to know and I would be happy to back off and respect your new relationship.
If I were the new girl, I would want to know that you’ve just cut off the FWB.
With my current BF, when we first got together, I wasn’t completely sure if I was the only person he was seeing. After we slept together, I was mostly sure, but still, not completely. One day we had a conversation wherein he volunteered the info that I was It. I didn’t want to ask because I didn’t think/wasn’t sure if we were or were going to be serious enough that it was any of my business who he was seeing when he wasn’t with me.
I disagree with telling New Girl about FWB. It’s not really any of her business who you were sleeping with before you met. If you want to focus on New Girl and be monogamous, tell FWB that you are involved with someone else and for her to back off. That’s kind of the point of being friends with benefits (to me). Then have the monogamous talk with New Girl if/when you get to that level.
But yeah, maybe find a new bar or hang out too, just to keep things from being awkward.
Most reasonable adult women don’t care if you’ve fucked someone else before them (in fact, many of us expect it), but if things are getting more serious with her, you need to tell the FWB to back off. That’s the whole point of FWB- it’s a placeholder until something more permanent springs up.
I don’t think you have to tell the new girl about the FWB up front. You do need to tell the FWB that you aren’t going to be B’ing for a while because of the new girl.
Do you think that the FWB is likely to make a scene? If not, then don’t worry about it. Surely the new girl doesn’t think you’re a virgin or anything.
Yep, just tell the FWB you’re interested in pursuing this other girl. I’ve been on both ends of that conversation, and it’s never been a problem.
However, I vote *against *telling the new girl, “Oh, by the way, So-and-so has been my FWB, but we’re done with that now,” for two reasons.
First, as Diosa says, she’ll probably expect that you’ve had sex before, but it’s another thing entirely to have to sit there and make small talk with FWB, while picturing the two of you together the whole time. It’s a little “rubbing her nose in it”.
And second, if the new girl is not yet sure how she feels about you, she might consider it a little presumptuous that you stopped having sex with someone else on her account.
Tell the FWB. She deserves to know what is going on. She’ll feel the awkwardness anyway, and at the very least she should have some idea what is happening. Hopefully, she will use that information as a cue to fade into the background and give you space.
You don’t need to tell the New Girl anything. Until you have formally established a monogamous relationship, or have strongly implied one (sleeping together regularly, seeing each other on weeknights in non-date contexts, etc.), you can do whatever the hell you want. And unless you are asked and really feel like answering, you don’t owe her any explanation of your sexual history (besides disclosing STDs and stuff like that.) Everyone comes into relationships with history, and healthy relationships don’t really dwell on it. Maybe one day “So, how many people have you slept with” will come up, but for now it’s not appropriate or needed. You are still in courtship, no need to rush.
I would definitely go to a different bar- or better yet, take that girl on a real date. If things go wrong or the relationship simply runs its natural course, you don’t want your co-worker hang out bar to be weird or have to split up friends and hangouts- find a neutral place for your romance. You owe her something classier, you owe your FWB not rubbing it in her face, and you owe your co-workers the right not to be in proximity to any potential for drama.
Tell FWB you’re putting a hold on things while you sort out the possibilities with NewGirl.
Ask NewGirl out on an actual date - find somewhere- anywhere - that is open after shift other than the bar where everyone else will be.
If NewGirl ever asks about your relationship with FWB, be totally open, but end the conversation with: “I put an end to that when I met (or ‘figured out I had a chance with’) you.”
