So true. My parents divorced when I was quite young, and I never had too much of a problem with it- they were not happy together, and we were never neglected in the subsequent upheaval. Later on, though, things got ugly re: child support and visitation. My mother never breathed a word about any of it to us, except that which directly concerned us (when and where we were going to go see Dad, etc), and for the most part my Dad was cordial, too.
At some point though, things must have been really wearing on him and he started making little comments about her, culminating in one very specific thing he said in the car one day, when I was maybe 9. Looking back, it wasn’t a particularly over the top thing for a man to say about his ex (it was something to the effect of “she is an alcoholic narcissist”- I don’t remember the phrasing), but he was talking about my Mommy! I maybe gave him a little nod, or mm-hmm or something, I was a very passive child verbally, but inside my world was falling apart. It took me a long time to fully trust him again- he had told me this thing that I knew was an outrageous lie, plus he was looking at me as the child of a horrible person!
I’m over it now- I realize that the whole experience was just gut-wrenching for him and I’m sorry he ever had to go through it, but at the time this teeny little comment was enough to change my view of him for years. As I’ve been following this thread I’ve been imagining what it would be like if I found stuff like this written by one of my parents about the other, and it’s horrifying. Please be careful about where you say these things!
Now I feel like a heel. But I for one don’t blame you for getting pissed, I was just trying to emphasize that, no matter how justified you may be in saying these things, they can hurt your kids and you in ways you may never know.
Don’t feel like a heel - most replies here, certainly not all, are truly concerned for the kids. I do try to be hyper-careful when I talk with the children about anything dealing with their mother.
That being said, I do ask “How are things are home.” The home she provides them and whether her boyfriend is treating them well is, in my opinion, a fair concern of mine.
I don’t ask, “How’s your mom, that whore, been.” I’m careful to not let my opinion of her leak toward the children. Have I slipped up? I don’t think so. I feel like a hypocrite all the time but I keep my mouth shut.
Seeing a therapist doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak somehow.
It’s someone who is professionally trained at helping other people, who is *not *on an Internet message board, helping you to get some of the stuff you’re angry and hurt about off your chest.
And as a friend, I strongly urge you at this point to consider it.
Yeah - therapy isn’t being sent to the corner. I guess it sounds that way sometimes, when we hurl it at each other.
The thing is, this woman you’re so angry with is someone you once loved. We all know that. You chose your relationship with her. You didn’t do that because you’re stupid, or because she held a gun against your head; it was the best you could do at the time.
So it blew up on you, and right now you think it’s 100% her fault.
The odds of that being true are pretty slim. If she’s a walking, talking sentient being who functions at all in the world, then it’s probably true that YOU are also at fault in the failure of your marriage. To at least some extent.
And, at any rate, whether it’s your fault or hers, eventually, if you want to be healthy, you need to forgive her. In fact, you need a good working relationship with her so that you can raise your children together. And you need to make yourself whole, so that you don’t jump into another situation where you act through the same problems again; second marriages fail at an even higher rate than first marriages.
I know you know all this, intellectually.
Getting to the emotional knowledge is a lot tougher. That’s where a good therapist can help you. We wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t often true, that therapy helps. We wouldn’t say it if your pain and anguish wasn’t obvious.
You know what, there have been times when I’ve been convinced that the problems in MY marriage were 90% my husband’s fault. I’ve got essays on this, amusing and insightful scribblings where I can go on and on explaining all his problems and flaws and how almost everything is his fault. Only…it’s not. Very hard lesson to learn. Very hard.
Belrix, I’m getting the feeling from you that you are very hurt, and you want people to acknowledge that you are hurt, and that it wasn’t and isn’t fair. It isn’t. I think just about everyone in this thread will agree with that. We feel badly for you. But honest to god, we are trying to help you. I think your hurt is getting in the way of hearing us. You won’t heal by getting even or getting back at your ex or making her hurt; you’ll only heal by letting go of the past. I swear, scout’s honour, that this is the way it is in the world for everyone, no matter how badly they’ve been hurt.
When come back, please bring rational self. I don’t need to experience something directly to have an opinion of it.
I wasn’t alive during the Civil War, but I’ve got opinions on that, too.
I’m sure you never, ever have an opinion or thought about anything that is outside of your personal scope, right? Give me a break. Hopefully when you’ve actually come back down to earth you’ll realize how foolish that particular point of view is.
Do not say one more word to ANYone but an attorney of your choosing Once you are represented, her attorney can’t communicate with you.
Belrix, nobody is “damning you” for being a little pissed. Reading these things objectively, all anyone is doing is giving you VERY good advice. It is sound.
I will strongly agree with those who suggest that you don’t ever talk about your wife to your kids, not even to ask about how it was at your ex’s house. The words “How was it at Mom’s house” can change meaning by simple inflection. The situation you are in sounds soul wrenching. I don’t second guess that for a minute.
You have to love your kids more than you hate your ex. Repeat as often as necessary.
Since I led off with a post by Chimera and then proceeded to respond to Chimera while speaking of you in the third person, it seems to indicate that I was speaking ABOUT you rather than TO you, thus making the next logical conclusion that it is you who is not reading for comprehension.
Thank you for playing. Enjoy this lovely copy of our home game. Get your hand stamped on the way out and you can join the studio audience for half-price.
More on-topic, the decision to get a lawyer is a sound one. When you get one, tell him everything and admit to him that you are emotionally invested (heavily) in your own view of things. When he asks you questions that you think are too sympathetic to your ex, do not get angry, do not attempt to explain yourself, do not deflect any perceived criticism to her. ANSWER HIS QUESTIONS FULLY AND HONESTLY. It doesn’t matter what your lawyer thinks of you- he has a duty to represent you zealously. Besides, the court is just going to ask those questions anyway. So be open, be honest, and distance yourself emotionally from the content of your answers.
Some do. And it’s generally in your best interest not to drag it through the courts, because that leads to something called Billable Hours, that costs you a large sum of cash.
Unfortunately, there are times where the Threat of Court is the only thing that is going to get anything moving.
My ex-wife was more than happy to lie to everyone and everybody and refuse any and all negotiations, to drag things out as long as she could and slander me from one end of the planet to the other while claiming that I was the one refusing to negotiate. Ultimately, it was only the threat of having to do this on the record in court and to be (very easily) shown a liar that forced her hand and made her negotiate. (Well that and the fact that I’d provided documentation to her mother and step-father, who were paying for the attorney; and they threatened to cut off the lawyer and disown her!)
So bottom line, you do not want to go to court because that’s where the big costs lie. But if you’re on the right side - the side of truth and fact - and the other side isn’t, then court is your ultimate fallback.