Keep in mind that this is based only on my experiences, but…
I feel like parents touching you is as much for the parents’ benefit as it is for the kid’s. It makes them feel good to express their love to you by hugging you. Or maybe they feel guilty about something and want to make themselves feel better by getting touchy-feely. Or they misunderstand your signals and think you’re stand-offish because you’re upset instead of simply not liking to be touched.
I can tell you that, as a parent, I love to hug my son and kiss my daughter. It makes me feel good to make them feel good and perhaps your parents simply don’t believe you that it doesn’t make you feel good. Regardless, I agree with the other posters that you might want to look into it.
On to the armchair psychologist/anecdotal portion: Is there any possibility you harbor some resentment toward your parents - for anything? Here’s where I’m coming from (WARNING: serious baggage ahead): When my mom drinks too much, she gets sloppy, emotional and clingy. She’ll alternately say horrible things to me, then drape herself on me trying to act the loving mother or to make herself feel better for whatever she’s just said. The woman acts like a toddler sometimes, too, making faces at me and going, “overly, overly, overly” until I look. I really don’t like her touching me period because a) she somehow thinks hugging me gives her a free pass to be a bitch when she’s drunk (and sometimes when she’s not), b) sometimes I don’t know that she’s been drinking at 10 a.m. until she hugs me and it frankly disgusts me and c) she’s not the same woman she was when I was in high school through just past college.
I realize that the above is a little out there - hell, I should probably seek therapy myself for both me and my mom - however, is it possible that you hold something against your parents or some other older person who has set the tone for your feelings about other older people? Sorry for getting all Freudian. I know you said you don’t dislike them, but it seems your frustration is making you dislike getting touched even more.
I’m not the one who said it was a “need.” I’m saying it’s NOT a need, and that it’s self-absorbed to say it is.
iIt’s not a “need.”
I said in my first post that they should really try to reassure their parents and find alternate ways of showing and accepting affection while the problem was being dealt with. I never said anyone should have to be touched (though I don’t think it’s some outrageous violation if they get a pat on the back or a kiss on he head from their mom), I object to the vilification of the parents for just wanting to express normal, healthy affection.
The OP’s parents are very controlling. IMO, the OP feels trapped because she wants to break free from their control yet remains dependent on them.
Listen, the best thing you can do for yourself is to end your dependence on them. Take the bus, move to a more affordable apartment, eat out less – whatever it takes to stand on your own two feet. Self-sufficiency is empowering.
Once you are no longer dependent on them for anything, you can decide whether to maintain a relationship with them. But if you do decide to keep them in your life, your relationship is bound to get better because you’ve cut the strings that bind. Maturity and self-sufficiency are great balms which can heal even the most contentious child/parent relationship.
It’s not a “need” to have your siblings respect your personal space in the biological or legal sense but a lot of people get annoyed when their little siblings enter their rooms or touch their stuff. It’s still pretty irritating no doubt. For a lot of people, that physical touch might be the same way. In the literal sense, it’s not a need, but for their peace of mind, it’s necessary.
If you’re cool with expressing affection through alternate ways, then why do you have to throw around “self-absorbed” when it’s clearly not the right descriptor? The fact that you saw Grapefruit’s dad touching her and persisting when it made her uncomfortable, and the end result being her getting beaten, as a kid being mouthy to a parent is kind of disturbing.
A bit of affection that, when rejected, turned into a beating.
I don’t care who you are, if I don’t want you touching me, you’d best not. Now, a child rejecting a parent’s touch may seem weird, but there are weirder things out there. Saying, in essence, “I’ll touch you any way I damn please and there’s nothing you can do about it” is bullying, plain and simple. What loving parent bullies a child?
Is there somewhere in this thread that someone said that? That they were disgusted because their parents gave a shit about them?
I do think that the OP has issues that go beyond the touching. But I think that you’re a little out of line, Dio, for acting as though people are reacting to touching as a violation. I don’t think anyone has done that, but in cases like Grapefruit’s, it basically is a parent saying, “I can touch you and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it.”
ETA: Even if she was humiliating them (which wouldn’t have happened if the father had respected her boundaries), you really think a beating is ever the answer? That speaks volumes about your parenting.
Grapefruit, you have made an excellent point, well-expressed. I suggest that you completely ignore Diogenes; he’s proving in this thread that he is completely ignoring what everyone else is saying.
Sure, it can be annoying, but elevating it to the level of the scared is self-absorbed.
The actions of her father did not warrant her humilaition of them. I wouldn’t expect her to understand how hurtful her actions were when she was 10, but I would expect her to be able to understand it in retrospect.
Asking not to be touched is public humiliation? Besides, it’s not even like she was saying, “Never touch me”–it seems like she just disliked that hair petting thing. I would dislike it if someone flicked my ear, and if my parent ever did that I’d ask them politely to stop–it wouldn’t mean that hugs and kisses are now verboten–just that it’s unpleasant. Them escalating it would be the disturbing part. If you’re a grown man or woman and you have to do something like that just on principal because you’re the parent, then yeah, that’s really distasteful to me.
And in any case, a beating is never okay. It’s not okay to beat your wife or girlfriend for asking not to be touched, and it’s definitely not okay with your child. Even if said child was doing something that made you want to strangle them.
I’m with DianaG and Cat Whisperer–I don’t think there’s any point in reasoning with you over this.
I never said it does. What I objectt to – I’ll say it again – is the demonization of parents just for wanting to show affection and the self-important inflation of minor discomfort into some kind of egregious assault on the soul.
Really, let’s call this what it is – it’s parents trying to hug or kiss their kids, and the kids being whiny and snotty about it. The lawyering of that non-issue into a lot of grandstanding complaining about “personal needs” in the like is not exactly pulling at my heartstrings.
The beating should be completely separate from the touching. Let’s assume the touching was appropriate by society’s standards, which is what it sounds like in the anecdote.
The beating is bad. That’s a bad thing.
It’s disingenuous to act like the touching was also a bad thing because it ultimately led to the beating. The beating is JUST BAD BY ITSELF. The beating could have been sparked by any number of innocent things, and that wouldn’t make those things bad by association.
