Mom’s dead. No kids. But if my mom were alive and I had what seems to have been described here as a pathological aversion to her touch, I would ask her to please stop it. If she persisted, I would manipulate the situation in such a way as to prevent her, even if it meant not seeing her very often.
I really can’t say how I would treat a child, as I have never had one and never wanted to. Anything I say could be refuted by those facts.
However, generally … not wanting to be touched by a parent seems to me to be very odd. Not wanting your child to touch you seems beyond bizarre. I suppose in the case of my child I would amend my statement. I would let her touch me, but I would also seek professional help there as well.
It all depends on the extent of the aversion, doesn’t it? You may have a perfectly well balanced psyche, but not everyone does. I can’t stand a crying baby. Absolutely cannot tolerate it for any amount of time. It literally drives me crazy, in the sense that I begin behaving in a manner that most folks deem weird. Nevertheless, it is what it is.
Screaming it in that context, especially where it can be miscontrued by listeners, is humiliating, yes. If you don’t believe me, imagine someone screaming at you in the bathroom of a restaurant or something, where people outside can hear it.
Actually, no one has demonized the parents for wanting to show affection. All anyone has done is suggest, rightfully so, that the right to NOT be touched trumps the desire to touch. Think about it, Dio… is there any other scenario in which you’d dispute that?
Well, I think they are kind of linked because in this case the touching was unpleasant and the family reaction basically is, “Like it or not, you’re going to get touched.” If there was an aversion to hugging on on separate from this and someone continued to hug their kid, I wouldn’t assume they were horrible or anything–but a parent whose reaction to, “I don’t want to be touched is” to beat them…well, it’s not very likely to make them want to be touched ever again, is it?
We don’t know what “beating” really means. I’m not going to say that any kind of a spanking is automatically grounds for outrage. People can have philosphical disagreements about spanking (I’ve given rare swats on the butt when they’re small, but not much more than that), but it’s not automatically classifiable as some kind of unforgivable brutalization.
Parents can also make mistakes, and deserve some kind of room for it.
Thanks Cat Whisperer… yeah, I think it’s been made pretty clear that there’s a disconnect between what I’m saying and the assumptions that people make based their own experiences. When people don’t listen, and then continue their argument based on that, there’s just not much to continue on with on my end.
I don’t want to take away from the OP’s situation, because it seems like the issue is predominately with her parents (while mine is with almost everyone… it can be kind of awkward at the end of a pub night when I’ve met some friend of friends, and everyone is saying goodbye with hugs, and I stick a hand out for a handshake). In the intervening years, I’ve learned not to take my dad’s “I’m your father, therefore I am the boss of you” get to me, because when I come back with “But you can’t boss around someone who doesn’t come visit, so if you keep it up, then forget about the nice family dinners we’re capable of having.” Or when he visits and he deliberately tries petting me on the head just to be antagonistic, one way I counter that is to take my cat and put my cat’s paws on his head and stroke it and ask how he likes it. It’s a less serious issue now, and because I’m not constantly subjected to his idea of what it means to be “the head of the family”, we get along much better and I can appreciate the good things my parents have done for me. It’s really just about setting your boundaries and sticking to them. If they get upset, yeah, you should look into why and how to fix it, but some things, they just have to learn how to deal with because ultimately, your comfort is what keeps you sane.
ETA: beating as in taking a feather duster (the end with the stick) and whacking me on the butt with it. Less than a full fist beat down, but it was definitely more than a swat on the butt.
That’s irrelevant. I’m saying that prioritizing the desire to avoid a bit of trivial discomfort above the feelings and needs of those who love you is self-absorbed.
It’s not about “rights.” That sophomoric. It’s about realizing what’s important and what is not.
This sounds like you have other issus with your dad than the touching, and if you know he;s doing it to be antoagonistic raher than affectionate, then that’s not what I’m objecting to. My problm is with those who are getting bent out of shape when a parent wants to show some honets, well-meaning affection. not some kind of coded hostility.
I’m start to thinkthat maybe all of the examples in this thread are about coded hostility rather than earnest affection, though.
Okay, I can agree with that, but I’m also willing to take the poster at his/her word and consider it a beating. But whether it was or wasn’t, I don’t think it casts any shadow over the initial touching. My point is that the Dad’s touching was fine, even though it was obviously annoying to the child. The fact that it was followed by something that may, or may not, have been objectionable doesn’t change the initial harmlessness of the touching.
Who said it was going to kill anybody? There is a hell of a lot of room between “trivial” and “death,” and your refusal to acknowledge this is strange. Folks here aren’t talking about “refusing to accept” anything. They are talking about avoiding something that is hateful to them. And your continued insistence on painting this as the behavior of petulant children is dishonest at best. You have no fucking way in the world of knowing what is going on in their minds or their hearts. It may be weird to you, it may be behavior that is way out there on the tail of the bell curve, but it is not something you can dismiss with facile false comparisons.
On second thought, maybe your refusal to acknowledge the above is not so strange. It would force you to empathize with another’s problems, perhaps re-examine your position, and, God Forbid maybe even change your mind.
I didn’t mean to add any extra words, I meant to just turn it around.
Prioritizing the desire to touch your child above the feelings and needs of your child is self-absorbed. Better?
I see it as a matter of respect. For example if your wife has a headache she might ask you to keep your voice low. My daughter never liked for me to stroke her hair. Out of respect for her, I didn’t do it.
Beautifully put. I think Diamonds02 has a right to her feelings about this and a right to request others not touch her, all independent of other issues surrounding the matter. Further, while I can imagine it would hurt to be on the receiving end of such a request, as DianaG so elequently put it, it’s not going to kill the to refrain.
When I was a kid my mother was “normally” affectionate with me, but the only time my father ever touched me was when he was hitting me. He never ever touched anyone, including my mother, affectionately.
You are so lucky to have two parents who want to touch you. It would be such a shame if you finally realize this after they’re gone and it’s too late.
And what’s it going to be like if you ever have kids of your own, and you refuse to touch them? I know, from my own experience, it won’t be good for them.