She LIED to you about being married and you’re fine with that? :dubious: It really is true: men think with their dicks. :rolleyes:
If I met someone 3 years ago who told me he was married, and then 3 years down the line told me that he really wasn’t married all that time, I’d run like hell. She sounds downright skanky (as would a man who lied that way). You may want to get yourself checked for any STDs. Believe me, if she’s cheating with you, she’ll cheat on you.
I am not happy that my marriage of 23 has ended in separation, but by God, we tried (I tried) like hell to make it work. As in tried for YEARS with much counseling, self-examination and working through all the stages of grief. And it’s not over yet. We told the kids in December about our pending separation ( which happened in January) and now we’re dealing with THEIR reactions and feelings about it.
It’s not a fucking game, Richard. It’s not all fun and giggles and hot sex with a younger, tighter and tauter body. You’re playing with your kids’ emotional stability and trust–ah, fuck it.
Jesus Christ- when I first read this thread I thought, well, that’s regrettable and sad for the wife and kids. Now I think your wife needs to come after you with the sharkiest of sharks for a divorce attorney.
Wake the hell up and FACE what you are doing to your children and all your loved ones. But I’m sure that Ms Promise Ring is sooooo worth it.
Anecdote time - My parents separated when I was 8, and divorced a couple of years after that.
I don’t remember much from their separation at all, apart from one day being told “mummy and daddy don’t love each other any more, but we still love you” and then we moved back to Adelaide and moved in with my grandparents for about a year or so.
What fucked me up? It sure as fuck wasn’t that. It was my mother’s insistence on denigrating and running down my father every chance she got over the next 18 years. In one breath telling me how useless and worthless and what a fuck-up he was, then later turning around and telling me I was just like my father - in an affectionate manner, even. *That *was more damaging than my parents’ decision that they couldn’t live together and be 100% in each others’ lives any more.
But don’t let that stop the shrill accusations of “You’re fucking up your children’s lives” from coming thick and fast. Don’t forget, he must be punished for not sticking with someone who he doesn’t even really have a friendship with, let alone any love with, regardless of how he actually handles his relationship with his ex and his kids from now on.
Real sanctimonious for us to think there might be such a thing as selfishness and that it might be wrong, huh? He came to the board daring us to object and we did.
You can think it all you want. It’s when people are pissing and moaning on about “HOW DARE YOU” and “YOU’RE RUINING LIVES” and so forth that it becomes sanctimonious.
“You’re acting selfishly, I don’t think you’ve thought this through…” Not sanctimonious. Disapproving, but not shrill.
“OMG GET YOUR BALLS SNIPPED HOW DARE YOU DO THIS YOU’RE FUCKING TRASH YOU ASSHOLE” Sanctimonious. See the difference?
But you know, keep on keeping on if it makes you feel better.
**Sierra, **this certainly has gotten you worked up. In less than 30 minutes you’ve made three over-the-top posts all pretty much saying the same thing. Does this strike a nerve for you?
There are a lot of people who are being very harsh, you’re right. But you’re oversimplifying IMHO. Quite a few people (myself included) have said that he should not stay in a relationship if he’s miserable so you are most definitely focusing on the overly harsh ones with YOUR descriptions.
I think a lot of people who have taken issue with the OP have done so because of his willful deception and his months of planning. I hate to make a comparison but it’s like the difference between accidentally killing someone and planning out cold blooded murder. He didn’t just have lightening strike him and fall in love, he systematically made sure he and “the girl” (gag again) would be interacting so much that he stayed in their home while exploring his feelings for her. He has shown willful disregard for his wife and this woman’s husband all because of his own desires.
Again, I am not advocating for staying married to someone if you’re miserable. IMHO that’s not good for anyone. What I do find repulsive is that had this woman not agreed to be with him he would be all to willing to stay with his wife despite the fact that he does not love her as a husband loves a wife anymore simply because THAT would be easier ON HIM than divorcing her to be on his own. He specifically says so. That’s pretty low behavior and doesn’t paint a very good picture of him.
You seem all to willing to shrug off ALL of the criticism and only embrace his new-found happiness. Happiness at what cost? He betrayed the trust of his family and her husband yet was willing to live a lie if he couldn’t have his new piece of ass.
Having said all that, I do think they sound well suited. She is a cheater and so is he. Sounds like in time everyone will be better off.
Sleeps said it pretty well. It’s your own “if it makes you feel better” talk that is irrational, since there is nothing unreasonable about feeling that one is better than someone who deceives his wife and children for romantic pleasure. The quotes you bring up (which seem capitalized by yourself, not the posters themselves) aren’t empty moral blabber, which is what sanctimony is, if I understand the term.
As I said Sleepsy, did he do the right thing or the wrong thing? Personally I’m not in a position to say. all I said simply was that he should seek counselling through his EAP at work (Employee Assistance Program), and make sure he puts his kids’ needs before his own. Apart from that, we’ve got his side of the story which is not the whole thing. Someone said it in another thread about something else - there’s four obvious sides to the story: His, Hers, His Missus’ and Her Husbands’, with a few more besides.
What I’m finding completely retarded is the sheer frothing vitriol from some parties. You and Giraffe made well-reasoned, thoughtful posts. Notice I said disapproval is not the issue, it’s going to happen.
What I found stupid was the “OMG YOU’RE RUINING LIVES” and calls for the OP to get a vasectomy right now - he hadn’t even made mention of having kids with the new girlfriend. Simply that he’d decided he’d be happier with her, and has moved out of the marital home in the meantime. Somehow from that we got to “I WANT BABIES WITH THIS WOMAN LET ME SPREAD MY SEEDS FAR AND WIDE” in the space of less than three pages.
[ETA]: Of course I capitalised the synopsised statements myself, because I wasn’t quoting. If I was quoting, I’d use the handy-dandy quote button. And there certainly is a certain degree of irrationality to going “I’m better than you for this reason, you need to go and have surgery, remove yourself from the gene pool rah rah blah blah blah”.
Again - disapproval I have no issue with. Vitriolic “Neuter yourself you scumbag man” retard frothing is the fucking stupid part.
Oh for goodness sakes, this is a marriage breakdown, not a freakin’ murderer on trial here. People break up every single day, for good and sometimes less than good reasons, but y’know, it’s really not up to those of us observing from the outside whether the reasons are ‘good enough’. :rolleyes:
Richard has left his wife: whether his current relationship will last the distance, only time will tell. He has vowed to do the best thing by his ex wife and children, and IMHO, that’s all anyone can ask or hope for.
I get the strangest vibe from all of you who are calling for his balls…it’s so over the top that I feel perhaps a bit of projection?? That maybe you’re the ones who wish you could leave your spouse/s but are so stuck for whatever reason that you have to lash out at those who do??
Richard, I hope everything goes well for you, and that your relationship with the kids continues on through thick and thin. Be nice to everyone, and it should be OK.
Richard, I’m not a shrink or a marriage counselor. I’m an English teacher. And while I noticed the whole “girl” thing, I’m not vested enough in feminist theory to call you on it. Instead, I’d like to cherry-pick a bunch of quotations from your original post:
I don’t hate the passive voice in writing because I’m a grammar snob; I hate it because people use it to evade responsibility. “I wasn’t looking to fuck around on the missus, but fate plopped this girl in the seat right next to mine.” “I didn’t abandon my wife and children, this situation came up out of nowhere and did it to them for me!”
You’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, but don’t forget that you are moving this situation, you are controlling it and are responsible for the repercussions you have brought into two families. Please don’t talk/write about it as if you’re a leaf helplessly buffeted around by the wind. “It” doesn’t hurt them, you do.
No, yo ucontrol yor toughts and actions, not time or circumstance or situation; time won’t tell what you do will tell.To echo **Krokodil
**, this entire situation is of your own making. You personally are affecting the waking lives of 6 people (4 of them innocent players) w/ your choices, they aren’t victims of circumstance or fate. Your passivity and denial is frustrating, and while the cheating may not be a pattern I’ll wager your attitude is. Do you really feel so helpless to control a situation that changes the course of your life?
Like others have said, I think cheating is a matter of where our conscious choices to follow particular paths may lead. Our happiness or unhappiness in a relationship has to be determined without some sort of parachute of another relationship strapped on our backs. There can (and will, if we insist) always be some next new thing that we could follow instead of nurturing the relationships we have. We aren’t treating other people fairly and, more importantly for everyone’s future, we aren’t treating truth fairly if we think that lives-altering decisions should be made in the grip of infatuation.
If a marriage isn’t working, that’s its own thing. Conflating that with another relationship is a fool’s game. It’s like saying “These shoes pinch my feet, so I’m going to buy a new car.” Yes, the new car is shiny and you may not need to walk as much, but it doesn’t actually make the shoes fit better.
OP, if you had deliberately and aggressively pursued making your marriage work the way you pursued this new woman, I suspect you’d have a functioning marriage. What throws me is the statement that if you want to tell your ex things about your job, you’d have to preface it with a long explanation. Well, yes. That’s what most of us do when we are sharing our lives with someone else. We have to give background and details that they wouldn’t automatically know. And, also, plenty of people give more background and more details than necessary because a lot of people don’t know how to tell a story and don’t know how to talk to people in a general sense. Having a background in common won’t make up for an inability to communicate.
I can’t really bring myself to judge you Richard; how can I when I do not live your life. That said, I doubt I would have done what you have and I feel very bad for your wife and children. I sure hope you try your hardest to make sure that your decision hurts them as little as possible. I sure hope you do your best to take care of all of them and remain a father to your children. Good luck.
All of this (supposedly) irrelevant exposition could have been avoided if you’d not referred to her as a girl. The fact that you added this information suggests that, in truth, it’s not all that irrelevant to you. Regardless of her age, you see her as a girl, not a woman, and this probably has its appeal for you–a man who is heading towards middle-age and is bored with life. I’m not a psychologist, but your posts make me think the problem isn’t so much that you and your wife are incompatible, but that you long for the carefree days of youth, where sleepovers at buddies’ houses and bike rides are commonplace, and you don’t have to worry about bills and taking care of snotty-faced kids.
“I have left my wife and children” also makes that clear.
During your marriage, you said you were stressed out about finances. Seems like divorce is only going to make that stress worse. Airline pilots aren’t exactly rolling in dough (as least according to Michael Moore). How are you planning to handle decades of child support on top of the worries you had before the divorce?
You are a lying bastard, to mess around like you have. And as someone uppost said this new woman is the kind of bitch who will mess around behind someone’s back. Sounds like you were made for each other.
I hope your wife takes you for every penny and that she and your kids get the kind of father they deserve.
Standing before God and family, and swearing forever to someone who loves and trusts you, believes your oath enough to bear your children, only to crush all theirs lives and dreams of family.
Whether they sink or swim, their lives are more complicated because you betrayed them.
I can’t think of any punishment worse than having to live the rest of your life, knowing how little, concern for them, mattered. You can polish it up, embellish it, sanitize or spin it, however you like, it remains what it is, and what it says about you, not so much to everyone else, but to yourself.
I wish you good luck, I think you’re going to need it!
This whole thread makes me so sad. Your kids have had a part-time dad for years, and now they will have you even less, since they don’t seem to be the big priority for your future. I’d have been happier with you if you had said, “I’ve left my wife, and we are working out how to co-parent our children and survive financially,but my kids are my priority and I will be spending all my free time being an active, involved parent.” But no, now they have to share you not only with your job but with a new person in your life who may or may not be a good partner for you. If you thought finances were depressing before, you have no idea how depressing it’s going to get.
And the whole thing about it being easier to talk to the new woman about your job? That’s a bit of a stretch, really. My SO is a hydronics engineer…I have no idea what he is talking about half the time but I enjoy listening to him talk about his work, and learning from him. A woman’s lack of expertise in a field does not mean you have to refrain from talking to her about a topic. If your wife was truly uninterested and dismissive, then you can gripe. But I feel bad for her not being given a chance to work with you on salvaging the relationship. She’s been essentially a single mom for the last five years, and she’s probably exhausted, having two pre-schoolers to wrangle while you’ve been living half your life maintenance-free and meeting new “friends” in your free time.
In an ideal world you would get a small place close to your kids, spend every free moment with them and set any new relationships to the side until the legal and logistical ramifications are sorted out. I’m sort of glad your wife has a chance to go out and have a few hours of fun with someone sometime in the next few weeks, just to build up her confidence a bit…let’s hope you are babysitting that night. Alone. And please do NOT introduce this new woman to your kids for a few years, ok?
Really? People are jumping on him for calling his new chick a girl? Maybe it’s because I’m young (21) but I refer to my girlfriends as girls all the fucking time. Even if I stop using the term as I get older I doubt I’ll ever give it a second’s thought when someone else does. There’s a lot you can tear into Richard for, but this? Give me a break.