The flipside is also true. You being her fantasy “foreign husband” means she has a false sense of fulfillment that may be keeping her from pursuing someone she could have a real relationship with. Anytime she’s lonely she can reach out to you rather than try to find someone to date locally.
They also have absolutely no skin in the game or any knowledge of what is going on in her head, which seems to be what you want to know about.
Ask her, not us.
That’s a real possibility.
Actually, it seems that several of her colleagues and friends are actively pursuing her (gifts, offers to pick her up after work, etc.)
Having me nominally in her life could be a good way to turn them down without a confrontation.
I’ve heard it said that “the one who is more invested in a relationship is the one who’s most vulnerable.”
That may be you in this situation. I wonder if – as you puzzle this one out – you shouldn’t also be trying to figure out how to protect yourself, emotionally.
I don’t mean to presume that you aren’t – just to reiterate that it may be as important as any other single action you can take, here.
I will, thanks.
Having been to Indonesia, which is a bewilderingly complex set of very different societies, (what goes in Jogjakarta might not work in Flores, nor Sulawesi)…
Where did you meet the lady? Jakarta? Online? Where did she say she lives?
I’d fairly much jump to meet her if she lives in Kalimantan. Or Acheh. But not as a romantic thing, a tourism thing.
Or anywhere outside of Jakarta, although I do like Jakarta.
@CairoCarol knows Indonesia better than I, and I suspect she will give similar advice: walk away.
She can lie about that to her friends just as easily as tell the truth. Invisible friends half a world away are very convenient that way.
There is no reason for you to put your life on hold so she has a convenient excuse to avoid certain things in her world. Things she probably actually wants to do.
p.s. @scudsucker: All those Qs are addressed upthread. Carol has indeed weighed in as you say.
Oops. My apologies for not reading the whole thread before letting my irritation over “something is wrong on the internet” emotion kicked in.
The text in September is such a small thing to hang so many hopes on. It seems like she doesn’t communicate well (and that’s not a criticism, just a description), and your mind fills in the gaps with something that works for the story you are telling yourself. You might not be wrong, of course, but so much of this is coming from you.
If you can’t talk to her about what’s going on, that increases the likelihood of pain going forward. I’m sorry to say I think you should listen to your head, not heart or loins, here.
Am I just getting too old? I’m married and not in the market, but for some reason if I were ever to find myself dating again, the lack of drama would be one of the highest priorities for me.
When I was younger, I had a few relationships with a lot of drama and I just have no interest in that anymore.
Yea, the older I get, the more I want peace. I have no tolerance anymore for drama, arguing, game-playing, etc.
I thought that the OP was finished with relationships.
When this linked thread was alive, I made a few suggestions. I really can’t think of any more.
I was.
But I’m weak, I guess.
I also sincerely wish I could be done with all of this. Like @Crafter_Man I want peace, increasingly above all else.
If you want peace, stop playing with fire.
That gives more insight as to why you are excited over a long distance relationship with a ton of red flags.
I ask this question in the hopes that you’ll not answer right away:
Do you?
I think if I were in your shoes, and I wanted peace, I’d be the one ghosting. Like, super early on. I wouldn’t continue in this back-and-forth, on-and-off situation unless some part of me wanted the excitement and drama. There are women out there who don’t play games, and I’d look for one of them.
Is it possible that you’re drawn to the drama, and wish you weren’t and have told yourself you aren’t, but for some reason keep seeking it out?
Nailed it!
You can find low-drama highly-sexed women close to home and close to your age. Decent bet she’ll want a low-drama highly-sexed guy. Go get one.
Could be avoidant attachment style. In which case it will be both, alternately, for life, without respite.
Which might well describe the OP as well.
I am sharing something for the OP related to his Indonesia interests - especially relevant if he’ll be in Indonesia shortly. But even if he won’t be in Indonesia in time, he may want to watch it on line; it will give him something to talk about with the locals when he is there doing more gamelan/wayang exploration. This is a copy of a post in my gamelan listserv:
Subject: Wayang in Translation
Dear Friends:
There will be a full-length, Yogya Kraton-classic, wayang kulit performancewith simultaneous English translation this Friday (20 March) at the KaratonYogyakarta. It is open to the public, and will be live-streamed:
*Dhalang ML Cermo Radyharsono* *Lakon “Tugu Indradi” (The Statue of Indradi, from The Ramayana)*
Friday, 20 March 2026, 20:00-03:00 (for times all over the world, see below).
Gamelan accompaniment by the musicians of Kridhamardawa Karaton Yogyakarta.
Simultaneous English translation by Kitsie Emerson.
PERFORMANCE LINK <https://www.youtube.com/watchv=AFmtEMizqgw>
LOCATION:*Kagungan Gedhong Sasasana Hinggil Dwi Abadnear Alun-alun Kidul Yogyakarta Location Link <https://maps.app.goo.gl/FVuvovwUNpeEHi446>
*OCCASION:**Bedhol Song-song Sawal Dal 1959*A closing ceremony, falling on the eve ofthe Javanese lunar month of Sawal, marking the end of the fasting month
*Times around the world:**(all start times are on Fri 20 Mar unless otherwise noted)
*Honolulu and Hilo: 03:00am-10:00am
Los Angeles and SF: 06:00am-13:00
Bozeman, Santa Fe, and Albuquerque: 07:00am-14:00
Chicago and Mexico City: 08:00am-15:00
Michigan and the East Coast of the USA: 09:00am-16:00Java and Hanoi: 20:00-03:00
Bali and Singapore: 21:00-04:00Sydney and Melbourne: Sat March 21: 00:00am to 7am
Wellington and Auckland: Sat March 21: 02:00am to 9am