You could use one of these: 40 brilliant idioms that simply can’t be translated literally | TED Blog
“The hen sees the snake’s feet and the snake sees the hen’s boobs.”
“Looks like he slid in on a shrimp sandwich.”
“A dog with feces scolds a dog with husks of grain.”
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He said, “Yeah, Eumenides?”
British accents mandatory:
“Me most harrowing experience was the time I was separated from the regiment in Injia, hackin’ me way through the jungle, when suddenly a huge Bengal tiger reared up before me on his hind legs, BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! [Pause] Oooooh, messed me pants!”
“Well yes, sir, I suppose in a case like that, one might.”
“No, no, no! Just* now*! Messed me pants!”
With credit due to Dave Allen. 
These are good, and I will find a way to use them.
I think this one makes too much sense for this application.
What, smell mothballs?!? I couldn’t get their little legs apart!
The best damned soldiers in the world are the Irish. Provided, of course, they’re commanded by white officers!
I’m a dude, but hey fuck it, pass the pipe…
A legend that will last a lunchtime.
One weekend, I spent a month in [INSERT THE CITY YOU HATE MOST].
If st first you don’t succeed, burn the whole place down.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the fireplace.
I quote the great Biff Tannen:
“Why don’t you make like a tree… and get out of here.”
“That’s about as funny as a screen door on a battleship.”
“I’m not one to look a gift horse in the butt.”
“It’s time to race the music.”
“Have a nice trip! See you next WINTER!!”
A second word silences the first.
The farmer owns the field but the hare owns the crop.
Snow covers what the sun discovers.
Ladders are always one-way.
There is no serpent’s poison without the fang.
A book is more than the sum of its pages.
If you would make the peace you must first take the peace.
Quantity is the meadow, quality the flower.
Luck is finding a quarter; pluck is knowing how to spend it.
The one on top of the wall is not confined.
Sugar is only imagined sweet until it is tasted.
If you would never sink, then learn to float.
Whatever you might say to the king you can also say to the castle.
If you make every place your home then no door can bar your way.
Hope adds color to the film of life.
as my grandma used to say ‘if it aint broke, fix it just a little’
also try to come up with some long familiar lead ins so people just initially agree. Give people time to agree and also talk slow so they partly tune you out so you get 4 subconscious agreements and a tune out. We all respect our grandfathers, theres an old saying my grandfather had, it was about leaders and taking action. Leaders act, while others talk, leaders know the way…then just ramble some nonsense after that like- and I know what I have to do, 4 forks and a spoon wont give me nightmares!
use some GW Bush quotes! the one about gynecologists loving their patients is a gem!
Slippery toads never bite.
No honest bricklayer ever chewed cigars.
She was as drunk as a bridesmaid at a bar mitzvah.
Darker than a sea horses nightmares.
That runs better than a duck on the 4th of July.
You are cuter than a grasshopper flying side-saddle on a bumblebee.
The Lone Ranger couldn’t have done it any better.
You could continually ask 'What do you get when you cross a “BLANK” and a rhetorical question?" And then completely drop the subject.