I never want to see mt brother again

Really.

He fathered a son, six years ago. Our parents are now guardians to this child.

The story he told; oh, fascinating. She is actually a lesbian (dear me! we all know what they’re like! :rolleyes: ) who seduced the poor lad because she wanted a baby. He was in NO way responsible. Really. He told me this.

She decided she didn’t want the boy when he was 3, and gave him over to Mom and Dad. The kid is messed up, now six, and has to go to a special school for behavioral problems.

Now…Mom is in the hospital; we’ve just found out she had a silent heart attack and now has heart failure. She and Dad are both very very frightened. She also has to use insulin now, rather than prescriptions by mouth for her diabetes. She can’t sleep lying down because she can’t breathe well.
Sooooooooooooo…It’s the perfect time for him to announce that he doesn’t think that they have been spending the 150$ of child support well, and that he will no longer pay them. Oh, yeah. He’s a mechanic, makes about 60k, but times are hard, he has expenses, and until they learn to manage better he just can’t help them. And thanks for not asking to have the support reassesed this year, he appreciated that.

I want my real brother, the one who was switched at birth with this jerk. And I hope to never see him or speak to him again.

Your brother sounds like a real winner. His “lesbian” must be a real piece of work as well. My best wishes to your parents for being able to still clean up after your brother, even though he is an adult. Can he just stop paying child support? Isn’t that a deadbeat dad?

This probably belongs in the Pit…

If it belongs in the pit, I apologize to the moderators; I thought the post was more a whine than a rant.

Yeah, they’re both pieces of work. I’ve never met her, but I haven’t really heard anything good about her from my parents. They try not to talk about her because they don’t want Aaron(the kid) to get upset.

Unsolicited (but important) advice:

Have your parents talk to a lawyer about continuing child support or garnishment if your brother refuses to pay.

Is adoption by your parents an option? In any case, make arrangements for someone to care for the child if (godforbid) something happened to you parents. Your brother already sounds too immature to handle responsibility in general, much less that of a child who has special needs.

Let the child know he is loved. This kid sounds like he needs a lot of stability in his life.

[dear god, I sound like Dr. Laura! Yikes!]
(and just curious: how old is your brother?)

My brother (the father) is 32. For easier reference, I have 5 brothers and 2 sisters, the jerk is closest to me in age.

Mom and dad are Aaron’s guardians; I don’t know if that’s the same as having adopted him. I’m trying to think of a good way to ask them if they’ve made arangements- mom is 55, dad is 70, and my youngest brother (he’s 15) is not able to function in everyday life (he’s autistic). The most independent he could ever be would probably be a group home (I think that’s the term).

I don’t know how I can bring it up - they’re both scared, and it hurts to think about it for me, too.

Moderator’s Notes: The Pit? Naw, I don’t think that’s necessary. I’d like to leave it here in the hopes that you receive some good advice, or at least some commiseration and sympathy. If I move this to The Pit, all were gonna see is a buncha posts calling your brother a miserable bastard. That’s unnecessary, we can plainly see what a miserable bastard he is.

What do ya gang? Can we help this guy?

your brother is one of the people I’m thinking of when I express my belief that no, not all people are equally valuable. Some are more valuable than others, and some are not worth wiping your boots on.

And people look at me funny because I prefer dogs. HA!

I can understand the feeling, since I’ve got a world-class jerk of a brother (attempted to take a large chunk of our mother’s estate for himself). I haven’t been able to really talk with him in about a decade.

However, if at all possible, try to keep the communication lines open. Obviously, it’s not about $150, but something is bugging him, and it’s likely to be many different things. Sounds like he’s got lots of things going wrong with his life. Don’t be a doormat though. It’s a tough tightrope to walk. Best wishes.

I got a brother like this.

Mines worse cause he talks the talk, but it’s all just BS.
Both of my brothers are terrible fathers, no physical violence but huge deadbeats the both of them.

My sister and I have been very supportive of their spouses and the kids, but it’s especially hard to be only so fringe that you can’t correct anything only watch in disgust.

You have my deepest sympathies, truly.
It’s hard when it’s your brothers.

My best advice would be to seek council with someone you respect and tell them your concerns.
Reach out.

Minister? Aunt? Uncle? Human services where you work? Keep trying.

And we’re all pulling for you, if it helps.

We have established that your brother is [long rant deleted and self-censored] as well as a [**long rant self-censored and deleted **]. No need to waste any more keystrokes on him.

Now onto your parents and the child.

Guardianship is not the same as adoption. See a lawyer now to protect your parent’s rights and the child’s rights. [Has the birth mother given up her rights to the child (obviously she has given up her responsibilities, but that’s another story)? Or can she or her family waltz in at any time and ‘take the child back’?]

As scary as it sounds, see a competent lawyer and know what can and cannot, as well as should and should, not be done. And get everything in writing, especially if you are dealing with two or more counties or states.

Your parents may be under stress right now (and believe me, I feel for them and you), but imagine the stress when some other crisis arises (brother/mother shows up to ‘claim’ child, catastrophic illness strikes anyone in the family, etc.) and no emergency plan or legal advice in place.

That being said, I wish you and your family well and better times.

This is an incredibly difficult subject to approach with aging parents, but especially in your case, it must be done. My own mother is 70 and so are my in-laws. We went through the “who will take care of the children if the plane goes down with both of us on it” decisions 11 years ago when our first child was born, and we’re now having to rethink those arrangements in terms of who will care for the kids AND our parents if we die or are disabled. It’s just something that people with children have to consider, and the sooner the better.

Maybe the first step is to stop and think about how much responsibility you would be willing to take on when the time comes. Since your nephew will need parental-type care for 12 more years and your brother will never be able to be completely independent, this is something that needs to be arranged no matter what kind of shape your parents are in now. Hell, even if they were both in their 40s and obnoxiously healthy, there should be alternative guardianship arrangements for the children in their care, just in case the unthinkable happened.

Think about whether you would be willing to take on the guardianship of the minors if need be. Consider all the practical concerns and what you can realistically deal with in the way of childcare. Consult your other adult siblings about what they would be willing to do. Then go to your parents and tell them that you don’t want them to have to worry about who would care for the kids if they ever became unable to do it themselves. Present it as an insurance policy for the (distant) future. Then call a lawyer and get legal papers drawn up. Guardianship arrangements can be included in a simple will, and it’s not terribly expensive.

If money is tight (as it so often is), call some state or private agencies that help the handicapped. Your nephew’s school might be able to help you find resources. There is some help available, especially for elderly people looking after children with special needs, and there are also agencies that will help them collect child support. I’m not quite 40, and I know that I wouldn’t be able to take on the burden your parents have without help. They might just be really relieved that at least one of their children is responsible and caring enough to try to give them a hand.

Good luck. I’m glad to know your parents have you, given how your brother turned out.

One thing to note - if they adopt the child (and they’d need both parents approval), then child support would no longer be an option.

Has the mother been tapped for c/s?

In general, child support orders go through friend of the court, and they will take him up on the order if it’s through them.

Another option is for them to apply for social services for the child (aka Aid to Families with Dependant Children), and if it’s given, THEY will take it up with deadbeat brother.

In the meantime, some practical things (you can do if you live close by, or perhaps pay a neighbor to do if you have some extra) - babysit for the child at times, offer to do grocery shopping, buy stamps, cook a meal, run other errands. WHen folks are feeling overwhelmed, little things like that can make a world of difference. Do they belong to a church or other civic organization? contact them, even if they don’t , if there’s one in the area, they may have some youth group members who would mow the lawn, shovel snow, that sort of thing, to ease some of the burden.

:frowning: I wasn’t sure about reading this thread at first. You see, I just recently found my little brother after he’d disappeared almost 13 yrs ago. However bad it is now, please don’t say you really don’t want to see him again. Because the day will come when you want to, want to at the very least know if he’s ok, still living, anything. And on that day, you won’t really care what he’s done or not done in the past, you’ll just want to know.

As to what he’s doing now, and how he’s acting, obviously he’s being a class A jerk. But, try <and yes, I know it’s hard to do> to look beyond his actions and try to see what may be going on inside him. However wrong he is treating both his son and your parents, there may be deeper issues that you’re not aware of. It sounds to me, from what little you’ve said, that he may be facing some sort of finacial crisis of his own, and choosing a poor way of dealing with it. Or, he is so wracked by guilt and shame that he doesn’t know how to face all of you, so he withdraws and hides.

I’m certainly not trying to make excuses for his inexcuseable behavior, merely to point out that there may be more to the story than you or your parents may know. And, are you certain that he is fully aware of all of the health concerns your mom is facing? Has anyone told him all of it? I’m not there, and can’t say. Just some thoughts from someone who always tries to find some good in everyone. As has been said, the best way to keep on top of things, and to hopefully find a better solution, like getting him to accept his responsibilities as a father, will be to keep the lines of communication open. Kill him with kindness; show him by loving him what real love means and is. Don’t let him wimp out and hide from the love that that precious little boy no doubt has to offer.

Hope this helps in some small way. I’m only an email away, and I’d like to do whatever I can to help you and your parents, and especially that precious child of God.

{{{{{{Alatariel}}}}}}
{{{{{{Aaron}}}}}}
{{{{{{Alatariel’s parents}}}}}}
{{{{{{the rest of the family, including the misguided brother}}}}}}

I also wanted to add, but Internet Legend, wring, and screech-owl have already said it very well. Mikehardware too, about keeping the communications open. All very sound advice in this thread. You’re all in my prayers.

I could choke writing this, because your brother sounds like such a jackass…

But there may come a day when he gets better. More interested in his kid. Maybe a brick will fall on his head, who knows? And if that happens, it’s important that the lines of communication be open. It’s very hard on a child to have a parent who is indifferent. It’s gotta be extra tough to have TWO. On the off chance that this guy straightens out, make sure he has the opportunity to be in his son’s life, despite how galling the thought is now.

First, thank you to everyone for advice and support. It’s appreciated. Mom is having a test today, she said it started with angio- but couldn’t remember the rest, but it’ll say how much of her heart is damaged. And it helps so much to talk, and get a fresher perspecive. And sympathy helps too :slight_smile:

His mother lives about 15 minutes away from them. She sees Aaron on Sunday afternoons. She just doesn’t want him living with her on a permanent basis.

In all honesty, I and Mary(a sister) both think that she shouldn’t see him as often as she does. After the visits, his behavior is much worse. His problems lead him to be very destructive (I’m angry at you, so I will break something…he’s broken mom’s glucose monitor and the CD rom on their computer that I can recall easily) as well as very attention seeking (any attention, even negative, is enough for him). She and I both got upset when he was talking about how his mother lets him play some computer games where you kill people with shotguns, and how cool the way they fly apart. Hello! 6-yr old with anger problems and you let him play stuff like that?? No, we won’t let you play it here!

They don’t have much money, dad’s retired and mom does not have a job, so if adoption requires lawyers I’m not sure if they can afford it.

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by InternetLegend *
**

Think about whether you would be willing to take on the guardianship of the minors if need be. Consider all the practical concerns and what you can realistically deal with in the way of childcare. Consult your other adult siblings about what they would be willing to do. Then go to your parents and tell them that you don’t want them to have to worry about who would care for the kids if they ever became unable to do it themselves. Present it as an insurance policy for the (distant) future. Then call a lawyer and get legal papers drawn up. Guardianship arrangements can
be included in a simple will, and it’s not terribly expensive. **

What I tried to do the last time I tried to talk with dad about it was to ask that he take the life insurance he has and set it up as a trust for both of them if something happened to him and mom. He and she do not have wills…he told me that since he was older than mom, he would predecease her, and she’s the beneficiary on the will, so all would be well. He didn’t want to discuss it further.

I’ve spoken with the others (all of us but John are adults) and we’re agreed that if something happened, none of us could handle John. He needs 24/7 supervision, and he’s…God, he’s very far away. He doesn’t really acknowledge people much, and none of us could handle taking care of him. Dad said also that if something happened, maybe Ger (Aaron’s father) might grow up and take care of him. I didn’t say anything…he still loves him. However, I would not trust Ger with my cat, much less a child.

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by wring *
**

Has the mother been tapped for c/s?

In general, child support orders go through friend of the court, and they will take him up on the order if it’s through them.

Another option is for them to apply for social services for the child (aka Aid to Families with Dependant Children), and if it’s given, THEY will take it up with deadbeat brother. **

Aaron’s mom is @ 1500$ in arrears. Do you know what agency handles child supprt? I know that Ger was made to pay it because she went on welfare when Aaron was born. Maybe they’ll make him pay? Can they do it across state lines? We’re in Ohio, he lives in Texas.

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by purplebear *
**
I’m certainly not trying to make excuses for his inexcuseable behavior, merely to point out that there may be more to the story than you or your parents may know. And, are you certain that he is fully aware of all of the health concerns your mom is facing? Has anyone told him all of it? I’m not there, and can’t say. Just some thoughts from someone who always tries to find some good in everyone. As has been said, the best way to keep on top of things, and to hopefully find a better solution, like getting him to accept his responsibilities as a father, will be to keep the lines of communication open. Kill him with kindness; show him by loving him what real love means and is. Don’t let him wimp out and hide from the love that that precious little boy no doubt has to offer. **

He knows what is wrong, Tom(another brother) called him and that was the message he he had left for dad when dad got home…I don’t know if it was before or after tom talked to him, to be fair, but he hasn’t called since. Thank you for caring, but at the moment…to be honest, it is very hard for me to love him. This is not the only time he has done this type of thing. He visited, last August, to pick up stuff he was storing at mom and dad’s, told Aaron that he would get him some toy for his birthday, and never did. Mary and I have bought xmas presents for the past 2 years(from Santa, I refuse to lie and say they’re from him) because he hasn’t ever gotten them for Aaron. Sorry, really, but I don’t know if I can rise above the anger.

The Federal Office of Child Support Enforcement has a lot of information about how to get help collecting child support. Child support orders are enforced nationwide. As wring pointed out, though, if your parents do adopt the child, they will no longer be entitled to support payments from the birth parents.

If your dad doesn’t think that he has to worry about making arrangements for after his death because your mom is his beneficiary, another way to approach him might be to point out that she will be in for a hard time in the future if he doesn’t, since she’ll then have to do it on her own. I know it’s hard to bring these things up, and people don’t react rationally a lot of the time, but I’ve seen the mess that can result from not people not having their affairs in order, too. It’s worth trying anyway.

Please don’t be shy about calling everyone you can think of who might be able to help your family out during this time. Check with the school, your public health office, and Social Services to see what kind of services are available. Don’t forget to check with private agencies and (as wring again said) church organizations, if you’re at all inclined. These agencies were set up with people like your parents in mind - they deserve all the help that they can get.

I hope your mom’s tests go well. One bright spot is that sometimes a “mild” heart attack can be a timely warning so that steps can be taken to avoid a major, life-threatening one. Perhaps this will be a turning point for her in the long run.

Wrong!

I hope to never see my brother and am not in the least curious about his welfare. I have had this lack of curiousity for 11 years, ever since he last broke my nose. Scum is scum, blood relation or not.

I don’t have any advice other than to not let stupid sentiment cloud your judgement. Both parents should be paying child support in proportion with their income. if he is only 6 there is some hope that he won’t be the asshole his father has become. For that to happen he is going to need a lot of attention. He needs to know someone cares very much about what he does at all times. I don’t mean soppy helpless attention, but attention, love, dicipline and instruction from someone.

I am sorry to hear that you mother is in poor health. I am even more sorry to hear one of her sons is a jerk. Do ask that the child support be reassessed. Money can’t fix what is wrong, but it can help.

Just thought of another option - see if it’s possible that the child is made a ward of the state with your parents as foster parents (this might not be possible - either 'cause of the closeness of the relationship or because of their health and age). But if it IS, then they’d get foster care payments from the state (A friend of mine was foster mom to a child -something like the daughter of a second cousin, she eventually adopted her, tho)

best of luck to you.

If the child is in a special school for children with behavorial problems, he’s obviously been professionally assessed as such. This makes him eligible SSI payments. Social Security for disability. Call the local SS office in your area and ask for the application. There’s a bit of paperwork involved, but it will help out.

Alaterial

When it comes to your brother just ask yourself this question.

If he wasn’t your brother would you be friends with him?

Forget social class or lifestyle but if he is a jerk and you don’t hang out with jerks why should you have to put up with him.

I too have a bother who I have written out of my life. Actually I did this twice. After the first time people bugged me in ‘keeping the lines of communication open’ and I was being silly. Then he made a major @%*&#! of himself at my wedding and pretty much ruined my day. So now I don’t give a damn where he is what he does. I will only see him at the funerals (if he comes).

Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for your justified anger. If you choose to let him be apart of your life fine, but it must be your decision and (I feel) that he has got to really change.

Sorry about your folks and I hope you take some of the excellent legal advice you have gotten here.

Zebra