Great. As if this thread were not enough of a downer, I returned to work from vacation today. And there in my inbox was an e-mail from my ex. She basically called me a moron for leaving her. I wonder if she’s not wrong about that. I know she’s not.
I have no idea how to respond to her, or even if I should.
What could be her purpose in doing that? Seems like the only reason someone would do that is to make you feel bad. I don’t talk to such people, and I don’t think others should either. Mind you, free advice is worth what you pay for it, especially free advice from me.
The other reason could be that she’s still into him and wants to talk.
I don’t know. Her pretense was to ask about my father’s health. But another thing was that when we saw each other last, we decided to be friends. She told me in her e-mail how much I hurt her, and she wasn’t going to sign up for more hurt, and that’s why she hasn’t called me. She can’t do the friends thing.
I think about getting back with her every day, but it’s all really confusing. If I decide to (and if she takes me back), then it’s no longer dating. It’s a lifetime commitment. And that scares the shit out of me.
I really have no idea what to do.
That’s why prenups are so important. She can have her Meg Ryan-Tom Hanks romantic comedies and it can be a great way to offload those Woody Allen films every cinephile is supposed to have but you can’t really stand to watch, but no way does she walk out with Rear Window, Raiders of the Lost Ark, or your Kurosawa collection.
These threads always come down to a bunch of people saying, “Buck up, little trooper; just go get yourself some gumption and go hit on everything that moves,” like you can buy self-confidence in family-sized bottles at Target (probably next to the aftershave). But when you don’t have experience commensurate with dating success and have a few heavily scaring incidents of rejection/humilitation/abject disgust you basically know that what you’re doing is wrong, but no clue as to what to do better. I’m told by female acquaintances that I’m at least passable and reasonably clever when I’m not droning on about some technical topic or folded into myself in depressive shame, but that doesn’t translate into flirting exchanges of quick glances or offer of phone numbers. (I’ve given out my own number on a few occasions under the premise that it would make the young lady in question feel more comfortable about the non-creepy-ness of my intentions but that has never resulted in a phone call.)
And humiliating memories of a junior high school incident where a letter written in apology to a young lady (under the duress of school and parental authority) for what amounted to nothing more than social awkwardness and an inability to outright offer a date for lack of transporation or venue ended up being circulated around by said young lady as an extended joke to which your humble narrator was the punchline underlies any thought of extending an uninvited offer, lest more legally damaging accusations be levied. And the obtuse games; the last ‘date’ (more of a meet-cute, really) I had, involving a couple of drinks at a friendly dive (suggested by her) found me on sidewalk offering dinner and being told, “Thanks, but I’m actually seeing someone right now.” Urk? So, how…what…you sought me out, let me buy you drinks, and then spring this, why? This, I do not need. I’ve got a huge stack of books, and a growing collection of unwatched DVDs that a potential date would probably find boring anyway.
Stranger
tdn, you keep saying you’re looking for an absolute guide. You want the answers. You want to know what women want.
Women want shy guys. Confident guys. Tall guys and short guys. Fat guys and thin guys. Bearded and clean shaven guys. Older guys and younger guys. Strangers and old friends. Extroverts and introverts.
There is no one kind of woman, no one kind of answer, and no one kind of couple.
You really need to just be yourself. Don’t ever change for a woman or put on airs to get a date because that’ll only backfire.
Is your problem maybe that you don’t know yourself? Do you not trust yourself? Do you not know what strengths you have and therefore cannot present them to someone else?
I’m really baffled by all of the posts we get on the SDMB from guys, of all ages, wanting dating advice. I’m not so much baffled by the idea that people want advice…but instead by the fact that almost every thread on the topic is posted by a guy. Why is that? Surely there are insecure women on this board too. In fact, many have posted in this thread. But it seems like only 1 out of every 10 posts here asking about dating advice is from a woman.
Maybe guys are just more frustrated than women and women just tend to go with the flow while guys freak out and feel helpless. I don’t really know.
You do seem to get really serious really fast about women. Like the girl with the ID tag. You wanted to “just be friends” with her and do “just friends” things like walk around the lake and go to movies. Those aren’t “just friends” things. I have lots of male friends and we don’t do those sorts of things. You wanted to schmooze her and have her fall madly in love with you.
The woman from your office that you got all twitterpated about. You obsessed over her in your mind for a long time. You had this long pretend relationship with her in your head. Then, once you did what you should have done in the first place - made a move - you found out it wasn’t going to work out and were able to move on.
I agree with whoever said earlier that you need to just chill and let things happen. Stop beating yourself up about not getting dates. Stop pursuing women like they are needed for your survival. Start getting to know yourself and like yourself and maybe things will work out better.
If she emailed you just to cut you down, you’re better off without her.
Then why call him a moron? How is that going to make him want to talk to her?
What I got out of this was that she didn’t actually call him a moron.
Point taken. Now I’m wondering just what she did actually say.
…
What the fuck?
I’m afraid I don’t have any other advice but knee-jerk, but god that is offensive. Especially the “don’t be offended” part. :rolleyes:
But don’t listen to me, I have a tendency to burn bridges.
Only for very small values of “nice.” :rolleyes:
HEY!
I like some ‘chick-flicks’! and Joe Vs. the Volcano with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan is a great movie, (ok, the third act breaks down a bit but the ending is really good) and Sense and Sensibility is a great movie and it’s right there next to Somewhere in Time with Chis Reeve and Jane Seymour and, wait I’ll check, OH FUCK ME!
Amongst my circle friends my hatred for romance in movies is legendary. I absolutely despise, with a capital D, when they derail the plot of an action movie to show some romance. I am getting upset just thinking about it. And I don’t ever watch romantic comedies unless I am forced to.
Of course all of this falls apart when we talk about Bollywood movies. When it comes to those, I will happily watch the sappiest shit that ever came down the pike, and cry over it, too.
Why? I mean, we have virtually no context here, but as far as I can tell tdn split up with her, and the bit you refer to sounds exactly like what every single friend in the world tells their mates when they get dumped (“she’s an idiot for leaving you man,” “her loss” and so forth). The email is clearly part of an ongoing dialogue (“I know I said I’d call you”) - it doesn’t look like she decided out of the blue to start abusing him (which she barely does at all in any case).
What I get from that email is that (shock!) she’s upset at being dumped, and having seen him recently in person has realised she’s not ready to have much contact just now. And I’ve got to say, when I’ve been in similar situations I felt the exact same way.
Yeah, it’s shit; no-one comes out of these situations happier in the short term, but she was the one that was dumped, n’est-ce pas? And would I be right in guessing from the quoted segment that you suggested meeting up again, tdn? Because the best advice I can give in that case is to know exactly what you want before confusing the crap out of someone you dumped. No tentative testing of the waters; they need some time away from you, unless you’re damn sure you want to be back together for a long time. It looks like you realise this anyway, but there it is.
Again, I have little to no context here; all I’m really saying is that I don’t see why people are acting all shocked by this email, which looks like absolute boilerplate “I need some space” to me. And politer than most, at that.
It really depends on why you broke up in the first place. It’s easy to romanticize a past relationship when you’re frustrated and lonely. I’d be more inclined to trust your assessment of the relationship back when you were in it – if you felt like it wasn’t right for you then, it’s almost certainly not going to be right for you now.
Damn, tdn. If that was what I would say to someone, I wouldn’t bother to speak to them at all.
I see Dead Badger’s point too, but in that case, all I would say is, “I don’t want to talk to you.” I believe in clean breaks and burning my bridges, though. If I break up with you, I am not going to seek you out again, and I expect the same if you break up with me. I’m not going to involve myself further by getting angry at you–or at least by letting you know that I am.
Well, I don’t know if tdn is a moron or not (although I haven’t otherwise seen anything indicating subnormal intelligence) but I’m pretty confident that his ex is certifiably batshit insane.
Stranger
Please don’t bring me into this! That’s why I said “don’t listen to me” and “it’s knee-jerk”. It bothers me, is all I was saying, and I have no further advice or comment.