I pit dating

The BBQ Pit
181

[QUOTE=OneCentStamp]
Only for very small values of “nice.” :rolleyes:
[/QUOTE]

Now that was funny. I do like the way that girl writes though. I can certainly understand the sentiment given the way my ex and I split. Time has passed since then and my ex is one of my best friends. We just had a fun twenty minute phone call about all kinds of shit including our respective relationships. (I think that she should dump her dude and find a local guy. She thinks it’s probably too soon for my girlfriend to be moving in.)

182

[QUOTE=ZipperJJ]
I’m really baffled by all of the posts we get on the SDMB from guys, of all ages, wanting dating advice. I’m not so much baffled by the idea that people want advice…but instead by the fact that almost every thread on the topic is posted by a guy. Why is that? Surely there are insecure women on this board too. In fact, many have posted in this thread. But it seems like only 1 out of every 10 posts here asking about dating advice is from a woman.

Maybe guys are just more frustrated than women and women just tend to go with the flow while guys freak out and feel helpless. I don’t really know.
[/QUOTE]

I should think that it’s reflecting the fact that guys are still expected to take the initiative to ask people out, putting them - however briefly - under the power of someone they may not know. Women have a better success rate if they do choose to ask someone out, because it’s novel and flattering and less likely to be construed as creepy, but for the most part, an unconfident woman would focus more on the passive side of things, trying to improve her appearance, for example, in the hopes that someone would ask her out. Actually asking someone out would be less of an issue.

183

[QUOTE=Dead Badger]
And would I be right in guessing from the quoted segment that you suggested meeting up again, tdn?
[/QUOTE]

Here’s the deal: A few years ago I ended up moving into her apartment building. I lived right down the hall. When we broke up I told her that I hoped to remain friends, or at least be civil to each other when we passed each other in the building. She said that was never going to happen, as she was going to move out. (The upside is that she finally did something she always wanted to do, which was buy a beach house.)

I didn’t see her often, but when I did, we were friendly. She’s still concerned about my father’s health. About a month ago I saw the moving truck, and a week later I saw her packing up her car with the last of her stuff. We had a nice long conversation. She said she wanted to stay friends, so I told her to call me as soon as she got settled in. She said she would. That’s the last I’ve heard from her until today.

Every day since, I’ve been thinking about trying to get back with her. But as I said, it’s a HUGE decision that will shape the rest of my life (and hers, of course). It’s not like picking out a pair of socks.

184

You really need to get what you want straight in your head, tdn. You didn’t want her, so you broke up with her, now you think you do want her? You’re right to hesitate in that decision; if you go back to her, it should be for keeps, not until you feel like you don’t want her again. That would be incredibly cruel.

Are the reasons you broke up with her no longer valid?

185

[QUOTE=hajario]
Now that was funny. I do like the way that girl writes though.
[/QUOTE]

Well, yeah, she’s a writer. And for the record, she’s (usually) not insane, though the past few years have been really rough on her. She lost her mother, she got cancer (cured), her sister got cancer, her cat got really sick, her job sucks, and now this. She’s entitled to a little crazy. As for her not being nice, she’s absolutely the nicest person I’ve ever met.

186

[QUOTE=Stranger On A Train]
Well, I don’t know if tdn is a moron or not (although I haven’t otherwise seen anything indicating subnormal intelligence) but I’m pretty confident that his ex is certifiably batshit insane.

Stranger
[/QUOTE]

I disagree. If I’d been a little more together, that’s pretty much what I’d have told my Cheatin’ Ex when she kept insisting that she wanted us to be Just Friends.

Of course, you’re at liberty to conclude that I am certifiably batshit insane.

187

Okay, something weird is going on here. My post can be edited, but the long text of the original is not showing on screen. :confused: And even after I edited this test, the system still won’t let me post the original: says it’s a dupe.

Maybe I’ll email a mod.

188

[QUOTE=featherlou]
I can’t figure out if you’re being sincere or putting me on. I am a sweetheart, dammit! :smiley:
[/QUOTE]

You *know * I’m being sincere. If I can tell from here, I can only imagine your presence IRL.

189

[QUOTE=featherlou]
You really need to get what you want straight in your head, tdn. You didn’t want her, so you broke up with her, now you think you do want her? You’re right to hesitate in that decision; if you go back to her, it should be for keeps, not until you feel like you don’t want her again. That would be incredibly cruel.
[/QUOTE]

Spot on.

I don’t really want to go into the reasons, but let’s just say we had mismatched levels of passion. I don’t know if I could get my passion back, but I now appreciate her more than I ever did. She was amaxing to me and I took her for granted.

190

[QUOTE=Stranger On A Train]
Well, I don’t know if tdn is a moron or not (although I haven’t otherwise seen anything indicating subnormal intelligence) but I’m pretty confident that his ex is certifiably batshit insane.

Stranger
[/QUOTE]

Then you deserve to have your confidence shot. Why don’t you try backing up a minute and considering both sides of the equation.

[QUOTE=tdn]
I think about getting back with her every day, but it’s all really confusing. If I decide to (and if she takes me back), then it’s no longer dating. It’s a lifetime commitment. And that scares the shit out of me.

I really have no idea what to do.
[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=tdn’s girlfriend]
I know I said I’d call you but, after seeing you, I was up all night with nightmares. My psyche’s been damaged enough; I’m not going to voluntarily sign up for more. Also, I realized that I’m really angry at you and don’t have a great opinion of you at the moment: no offense, you’re a moron to have ever let me go. (Don’t be offended; it’s natural I would think that.) So, as much as I love you, and as fun as you are, I’m afraid I can’t be friends yet in the doing things together sense. I’m always here if you need me, though, and I’ll be nice.
[/QUOTE]

So here we have a guy who is apparently waffling like mad. And she gets exasperated with the waffling and bluntly tells him what’s on her mind, and that she doesn’t want to deal with the waffling crap any more. Dead Badger is spot on - there is absolutely nothing wrong with what she said here.

In fact, a whole bunch of you men said up thread that you wanted the woman to be honest and just tell you how she feels. Well, here’s a perfect example of a woman who’s done exactly that, and she gets called a bitch. And then you wonder why women don’t tell you the unvarnished truth more often, eh? :rolleyes:

191

[QUOTE=Malacandra]
Of course, you’re at liberty to conclude that I am certifiably batshit insane.
[/QUOTE]

Ah yes. The sort of certifiably batshit insane that only love can summon. Ain’t it deliciously painful? More, please!

192

My last thing before I leave for the weekend -

True, we don’t know both sides of it. And yes, tdn certainly does seem to be waffling.

But honesty doesn’t mean being cruel. If she really wanted to cut off contact, she could. If she doesn’t want to be friends, a simple comment like Tel’s would be fine. She could have said “This is causing me pain, it’s not working. I am going to block your e-mails. I can’t do this right now. You won’t be hearing from me.” Simple enough.

The whole “you’re a moron for dumping me” is what really irked me. He had his reasons. She didn’t like them. It’s incumbent on her now to do what’s good for her, but I see no reason why she has to step on his head on the way past!

193

Okay, it’s posting in shorter chunks. maybe I hit a character limit?
[QUOTE=Anaamika]
I don’t want to sound…overly cynical, but offer a green card and valid US citizenship and it won’t matter how old you are. However, love will have to develop afterwards, and there’s always a chance it won’t. On the other hand, Indian women tend to be faithful by default* so she’ll give it a very good try.Is that OK with you?

*This is not to say there’s anything better about Indian women! It’s just that divorce is still fairly anathema.
[/quote]
Well, being as I’m Canadian, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to offer US citizenship. But I know what you mean.

And I think this is the rock against which so many guys break: “vibes”.

I think we guys are hard-wired for sex. The desire operates at a completely-separate level than normal conscious decisionmaking.

BUT… that doesn’t mean we only want sex. I’m sick and tired of not being believed when I say I want to cuddle, to hug, to give and get support… as well as having a good sexual relationship. (See, for example, my previous posts about the importance of human touch.)

Perhaps that’s not the kind of thing that should be said, thouigh; perhaps its the kind of thing that should be manifested in actions.

194

This is one thing that majorly bugs me. It’s a language issue, and I am certain that it is deliberately obfuscated by the media and certain industries.

Beauty is not gorgeousness. What you complain about, Anaamika, is gorgeousness.

Gorgeousness is on the outside. Gorgeousness is what is picked up by a camera. Gorgeousness is at the mercy of trends and whims and fads and marketing. Gorgeousness is brittle and unstable, because at any time the cultural wind could shift and the gorgeous person is left… out of date and out of style.

Beauty comes from within. Beauty is the composite result of personality and attitude and character and actions, and it takes a person’s looks and shines through them.

The greatest beauty is often unconscious, while gorgeousness is extremely conscious.

Beauty is often unconventional, while gorgeousness depends on convention.

The media present gorgeousness and tell us that by looking that way, we will achieve beauty. It’s just not so. You become beautiful by being as good a human being as you can, and age does not destroy this beauty.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met someone who was gorgeous, and then as I got to know them, and saw their actions, they became unbeautiful, and I wanted nothing more to do with them. (There was this boss at work…)

I’m looking for the beautiful.

195

[QUOTE=Anaamika]
The whole “you’re a moron for dumping me” is what really irked me. He had his reasons. She didn’t like them. It’s incumbent on her now to do what’s good for her, but I see no reason why she has to step on his head on the way past!
[/QUOTE]

I can imagine that at times it’s a little hard to keep a lid on the emotions roiling underneath, don’t you?

I don’t expect people in some emotional pain, especially when it involves romance, to be like Miss Manners and bite back every potential snarky comment. And the cause of the pain shouldn’t be surprised at getting a little sting back. Just my two cents.

196

[QUOTE=Sunspace]
BUT… that doesn’t mean we only want sex. I’m sick and tired of not being believed when I say I want to cuddle, to hug, to give and get support… as well as having a good sexual relationship.
[/QUOTE]

I couldn’t have said it better myself. You know what I missed most after the breakup? Kissing. You know what I miss most now? Being looked in the eyes with adoration. Sex is cool, but it’s way down on my list of priorities.

197

Funny, after my big breakup I found I mainly missed the blowjobs. On the bright side, I developed a keen new interest in yoga.

198

[QUOTE=Vinyl Turnip]
Funny, after my big breakup I found I mainly missed the blowjobs. On the bright side, I developed a keen new interest in yoga.
[/QUOTE]

Hehehehehe. :smiley:

199

[QUOTE=Vinyl Turnip]
Funny, after my big breakup I found I mainly missed the blowjobs. On the bright side, I developed a keen new interest in yoga.
[/QUOTE]

Well, yeah. I said kissing. I didn’t say what.

200

[QUOTE=Sunspace]
This is one thing that majorly bugs me. It’s a language issue, and I am certain that it is deliberately obfuscated by the media and certain industries.

Beauty is not gorgeousness. What you complain about, Anaamika, is gorgeousness.

Gorgeousness is on the outside. Gorgeousness is what is picked up by a camera. Gorgeousness is at the mercy of trends and whims and fads and marketing. Gorgeousness is brittle and unstable, because at any time the cultural wind could shift and the gorgeous person is left… out of date and out of style.

Beauty comes from within. Beauty is the composite result of personality and attitude and character and actions, and it takes a person’s looks and shines through them.

The greatest beauty is often unconscious, while gorgeousness is extremely conscious.

Beauty is often unconventional, while gorgeousness depends on convention.

The media present gorgeousness and tell us that by looking that way, we will achieve beauty. It’s just not so. You become beautiful by being as good a human being as you can, and age does not destroy this beauty.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met someone who was gorgeous, and then as I got to know them, and saw their actions, they became unbeautiful, and I wanted nothing more to do with them. (There was this boss at work…)

I’m looking for the beautiful.
[/QUOTE]

What a lovely post. I find as I’m getting older that I think older people look just fine to me - the wrinkles and grey hair and whatever just don’t seem to matter. I must be seeing the beautiful, not the gorgeous.